Shattered

1 year and 3 months later

“It’s December,” I whispered to Jeff with a huge grin on my face.

“I know, Tori,” he responded, rolling his eyes and fighting a smile.

“Do you understand what this means? The countdown is on! We have 23 days to get this apartment in tip-top shape, babe! We finally get to decorate our own apartment for my favourite holiday and in just 23 short days our whole family is gonna be here! My Mom, Dad, Sophie, Gabe and the twins. Your parents and sisters! How are you not excited?!”

Jeff finally rolled over to fully face me, still looking half asleep. “I’m not excited because it’s only 7am on the 1st of December, Tor. There’s still a long time and a lot of away games between now and then,” he said with a frown. “That’s also a lot of people in this pretty small apartment, you know?”

“Jeff, this apartment’s huge. Admit it. It has like four guest bedrooms. It was designed for this shit. And stop talking about away games. You have five days before you have to go anywhere. Let’s enjoy that. I want to go to the store today and buy decorations.”

“Okay,” he replied, finally breaking into a grin. “After practice though. I know it’s optional but I refuse to get lazy just because we don’t have a game until tomorrow.”

“Fine,” I said, rolling my eyes as I leaned in to kiss him. “Go back to sleep then. I’ll have your breakfast ready for nine.”

“Life is so much easier living with you,” he said as he laid back down. “No more running apartment to apartment trying to remember where my clothes even are. For the record, I’m really excited that we actually get to spend a holiday together with all our families in our own place.”

“I know you are, babe. You’ve just got a lot of other stuff on your mind still. Go back to sleep. No nap for you after practice today. We’re goin shopping!” I exclaimed, smiling like an idiot.

As I walked out of the bedroom I couldn’t help looking around at the amazing place I actually called home. Three months ago Jeff and I had finally decided to move in together – after a year of madness trying to balance my apartment, his apartment, my job plus school and his hockey career. Over the last summer we spent months touring as many apartments as we could to find the perfect one. We decided on this one because it was beautiful and modern and allowed for family to visit as much as they wanted. Now that I was officially an aunt to both a beautiful boy and girl Jeff and I wanted tons of room for them to come and visit – as well as room to start our own family if we ever got there.

As I walked into the kitchen the phone started ringing and I ran to get it, hoping it hadn’t woken Jeff up again.

“Hello?” I said, wondering who would be calling so early.

“Sis?” I heard Sophie sob through the phone. “Can you come help me? I’m downstairs and I need you to come help me.” She was clearly trying really hard not to have a complete breakdown.

“What? Sophie? You’re downstairs? As in, you’re in my apartment building right now?”

“Yes! Now come downstairs! I have two babies and a lot of shit that I can’t balance on my own!” she yelled into the phone.

“I’m on the way,” I responded and hung up. I ran into the room and shook Jeff awake again. “Sorry, babe. Change of plans. Sophie’s downstairs and she’s crying. I need you to get up.” I pulled on the closest pair of sweatpants – not even caring when I realized they were Jeff’s and about 4 sizes too big.

“What? Is Gabe here too?”

“All I know is she’s downstairs and crying and begging for help so I’m gonna go ahead and assume that no – Gabriel is not with her.”

That got him moving and he was out of bed with pants on in seconds. We headed down to the lobby and saw Sophie sitting on one of the couches with two car seats on the floor next to her. I looked around her and noticed there was also a stroller, an unassembled play pen, two diaper bags and a giant suitcase next to the couch. “Oh my God. Soph,” I whispered, going over and pulling her into my arms. “What is going on?”

“I just, I need some help and some sleep and he’s gone all the time and there’s no one to help…” she trailed off as she buried her head in my shoulder and started sobbing.

“It’s okay, hun. It’s gonna be alright. Let’s just get you upstairs okay?” I looked at Jeff and pointed to the suitcase as I bent down to pick up Lily and the diaper bag closest to her. “Can you handle taking Jack and his stuff?”

“Yeah. I’ve got him. Thanks, sis,” she said quietly, gathering the baby and the bag.

We got the first round of stuff up to the apartment and into the guest room and Jeff headed back down to grab the stroller and play pen. He brought it into the room and pulled me towards the door.
“I’m just gauging the situation by what’s happened so far and can I just suggest we let her get some sleep?” he whispered. “She’s obviously upset so talking to her is pointless right now. Let’s just offer to watch the babies and let her rest.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan,” I muttered, turning to look at her sitting on the bed looking completely exhausted. “Grab the play pen and start setting it up in the living room okay? I’ll talk to her for a second and bring them out.”

“Okay. Tori, do you think this is going to be okay? Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen her have a breakdown before. I’m sure she’s just tired. Let’s just deal with this later.”

Jeff went and grabbed the play pen and the diaper bags and headed to the living room while I went and sat next to Sophie. “We’re going to watch them okay? You get some sleep. Clear your head a bit and then we’ll talk.”

“Are you sure?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah, sis. It’s no problem. Just get some sleep.” I stood up and grabbed the car seats. As I walked towards the door I turned and saw that Sophie was already passed out on the bed.

“I don’t know what the hell is going on but she’s exhausted, Jeff,” I sighed as I set down the car seats. As I started unstrapping Lily I looked up and noticed that Jeff was sitting on the floor next to the assembled play pen staring at me. “What?”

“Nothing! I just… Um, they’re getting so big, eh?”

“I know. I can’t believe they’re six months already,” I replied as I pulled Lily out and went to hand her to Jeff. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him hold her up and make faces at her, making her laugh. “You’re good with her,” I whispered after a little while.

He smiled at me as he moved to put her in the play pen. “She’s pretty easy to entertain. And hey, she’s pretty damn cute.” He got up on his knees and moved over to where Jack was still strapped into his car seat. “Hey buddy! How are you doing?” He unstrapped Jack, put him in next to Lily then came and sat next to me on the couch. We sat there and watched the babies gurgle at each other for a while before I sighed and leaned back into the couch, clamping my eyes shut.

“What’s wrong?” Jeff asked, grabbing my hand.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, feeling the tears building up. “We should have a one year old right now,” I said quietly. “There should be three kids in this picture,” I finished as the tears started spilling over.

“I know,” Jeff responded, pulling me into his chest. “But who knows where we’d be if things had gone that way, Tori? We weren’t ready for her. We weren’t ready to be parents. We were supposed to be Aunt Tori and Uncle Jeff. That’s all for now. Soon enough we’ll be ready for the rest, okay?”

I nodded into his chest as my heart started to swell. I knew that we would eventually be ready to take all the next steps. We were still young and had a lot of time – there was no need to rush. I just knew that Jeff was the one I wanted it all with and it sucked that we had lost our earlier opportunity. “I love you, you know,” I said as I sat back up, wiping away my tears.

“I love you too, babe,” he responded as he rubbed my back. “We’ll get to the rest. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. “You should go back to bed. You can still get in an hour and
make it to practice. I’ve got them covered. I’ll make you breakfast and everything.”

“Are you sure? I can watch them while you cook breakfast.”

“Nah that’s fine. They’re good babies and I can see them from the kitchen. Go get some sleep.”

He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss. “Thanks,” he said as he stood up and went over to kiss the babies. “I’ll see you guys later!” he said in a baby voice. I smiled as I watched him walk back to the bedroom, got up and headed to the kitchen. “Okay, babies,” I said cheerfully. “What does Uncle Jeff want for breakfast?” I could hear them giggling as I walked around exaggeratedly and made funny faces at them. “Did you say pancakes? Hm. No wonder he loves you guys so much. You have all the same favourite things.”

I set to work making a big breakfast – more as a distraction than anything else – as I small talked to the babies trying to keep them entertained. An hour passed quicker than I expected and soon enough Jeff was racing into the room and picking the babies up one by one to spin them around and act ridiculous. He held one on each hip and walked into the kitchen, sitting at the table. “Breakfast for 3, ma’am,” he said to me with a smirk.

“Well, sir. You I can handle. Pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon. Babies, however, are going to have to wait for a few minutes while I mix up some formula. No pancakes for you quite yet,” I said as I picked up Jack. “Uncle Jeff’s gotta have one free arm to eat little buddy. You’re comin with me.” I got him comfortable on my hip as I set to work making two bottles. A few minutes later Jack started gurgling excitedly and I turned to notice Sophie leaning against the back of the couch watching us.

“You guys are really good with them,” she said sadly. “You would’ve been great parents.”

“Thanks sis,” I replied. “Just wasn’t our time, you know? Feeling a little better?”

“We’ll talk about it later, alright,” she responded, glancing at Jeff. We settled into an awkward silence and Jeff hurriedly ate the rest of his breakfast.

“I’ve actually gotta get going anyway,” he said, standing up. “Morning skate.” He came over and gave me a quick kiss then moved to hand Lily to Sophie. “I’ll see you guys later.” He grabbed his keys and jacket and headed out the door.

As soon as it shut behind him I turned to her. “Alright. Honesty time. What the fuck is going on? Where’s Gabe?”

“Well,” she responded, “probably in Denver or wherever the hell they have a game tonight. I’ve barely seen him in the last two months.”

“That’s part of it, Soph. It’s his career. That can’t surprise you. What’d he say about you coming here? And how long are you staying?”

“Well he didn’t say much considering I didn’t tell him.”

“What?”

“I left him, Tori. He doesn’t know I’m here.”