Shattered

I fell asleep soon after watching Jeff and the guys celebrate their win. I was woken up a couple of hours later to someone banging on the door. “Sophie?!” I exclaimed as I hauled it open. “Oh,” I replied, slightly disappointed that it was only my mom.

“Wow. Didn’t know I was so disappointing,” she muttered as she shoved her way into my apartment. “Where are the babies?”

“They’re asleep in the guest room. They went down a lot easier than they did last night.”

“Well, out with it. What the fuck is going on?”

“I don’t know Mom! She just showed up here with them. We took care of them while she took a nap because she just looked so burnt out. She woke up and told me she had left Gabe and that she was tired and that she needed to go get diapers and formula. Then she was gone.”

“She just left? Tori, you know Sophie. She wouldn’t just leave her babies.”

“So what do you think happened, mother? I went to Colorado and took her kids? Or she came here and we killed her so we could have them? Jesus, mother. Think before you speak.”

“No, Tori. I was suggesting that maybe something HAPPENED. Like, she isn’t back because she couldn’t come back?”

“You didn’t see her, Mom,” I replied quietly. “She looked so broken. Gabe said that she’s been doing this since the babies were born. She’ll just pawn them off on some WAG and disappear for hours. And before you say it, I know. It doesn’t sound like Sophie. But if you’ve spoken to her once in the past six months then you can admit it too – you know she sounds off.”

“So this isn’t a one-time thing?” Mom asked, horrified. “Why didn’t Gabe tell anyone?”

“It’s their business, Mom. He wouldn’t bring us into it unless someone was getting hurt in all of this. Who knows what Sophie was getting up to but the babies were fine – she always made sure of that first. That’s what Gabe was and IS focused on. Fixing Sophie is going to take time. He’s focused on his game.”

“Well maybe if he focused less on his game and more on his FAMILY maybe this wouldn’t be an issue.”

“IT’S HIS JOB, MOTHER! That is not fair to him. We all knew that before they even started dating – let alone got married. Hockey is key to him – it always will be. But, in all of this, I’ve gotten to see how much he loves those kids. He wants what is best for them. He knows they’re safe here. Frankly, they’re safer here than they are in fucking Colorado! Who knows who she was leaving them with there! At least here they’re well taken care of. We love Jack and Lily.”

“Well the focus is not on you right now. We need to find Sophie and we need to get her and those kids back to Colorado.”

“Frankly, Mother, I don’t know if sending those kids back to Colorado is what’s best for them. We need to find Sophie yes – but then the key is figuring out what the hell is wrong with her. Those kids deserve better than a half assed mother.”

“Oh, and what? You’re going to be the perfect mother? Last time I checked you didn’t have children.”

I was so shocked that I couldn’t even find words. Hearing my phone ring, I grabbed it. When I saw Jeff’s name I stormed off into our room and slammed the door.

“Hey, babe! Great game tonight! Tell Eric his goal was amazing,” I said, trying to sound cheerful.

“Thanks? Are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine! Why?”

“Tori I can tell there’s something wrong. Don’t give me that. Did Sophie show up?”

“No but my mother did...”

“Oh. I see. Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yeah. You know how it is. The perfect daughter fucked up and yet somehow, that’s still my fault. I can handle it.”

“I love you, Tori. Listen, I’ll be home before you know it. Just focus on Jack and Lily okay? And my phone’s on at all times. I’ll check it during intermissions too. If you need me at ANY point – “

“I know, Jeff. I love you too. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you in a few days.”

I hung up the phone and slowly started to make my way back into the kitchen. After stopping in to check on the babies I walked into the kitchen to see my mother sitting at the table crying.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered as soon as I walked in. “That was so uncalled for I just wasn’t thinking. I’m just so worried and I know that isn’t an excuse but I’m so, so sorry.”

“We’re not talking about this right now,” I muttered. “What are we going to do about Sophie? Just wait around or what? Because you aren’t here long term. In fact, you’re leaving before Jeff gets back. I just need to figure out where the hell my sister is and what I’m going to do whenever she shows up again.”

“We’re going to the police tomorrow,” Mom said with a sigh. “I don’t know what they’ll say but at least it’s something. I also plan on calling every single hotel here to make sure she isn’t checked in somewhere acting like a spoiled brat who can run away from responsibility without looking back.”

“Okay. I’ll help you with that. I’m going to go to bed then. Can you take care of the babies tonight? I was up all night with them last night and I really just want to go to sleep.”

“Yeah. Yeah, alright. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Perfect. They’re in the first guest room on the left.”

The next morning at the police station I was battling a screaming Lily while trying to explain to the police officer that no, I didn’t have any suspicious activity to report, yes it had only been a day and a half and yes, I understood that she was an adult and there was nothing they could do.

“Well that was… useless,” my mother muttered as we stormed out.

“I knew it would be,” I yelled over Lily’s crying. “Oh my gosh, baby girl. Please quiet down.” I started bouncing her up and down and she started to settle a little. “We still have to call hotels. We’ll find her.” It wasn’t until I didn’t get a response that I noticed both that Lily had stopped crying and my mother was no longer beside me.

“Mom?” I questioned, quickly spinning around. “What?”

She was standing a few feet behind me staring at Lily. “What?”

“I’m really sorry about what I said yesterday. I want to know that you aren’t mad at me.”

“It was extremely out of line and inconsiderate. No, I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m doing the best I can. I am mad at you. Nothing I do is ever good enough and it pisses me off. I’ve been doing really well this past year and you’ve never given me credit for that! You getting mad at me over Sophie’s screw up is not fair to me! Frankly, I’m sick of being shit on, Mother. I’m doing well with this. Sophie left and Jeff and I handled it. We handled it extremely well. The only reason I called you, honestly, is because I didn’t want to be alone with two healthy babies. Because I was scared. Because I haven’t ever been alone with perfectly healthy babies and I thought I’d break. I was wrong. You broke me way quicker than those babies ever could have.”

“I deserved that,” she replied, not looking me in the eye. “That was fair.”

I turned and started the trek back to the apartment, not checking to see if she was behind me. It wasn’t until I had pressed the call button for the elevator that I felt her hand squeeze my shoulder. When we got into the apartment she finally turned to look me in the eye.

“I know it’s too little too late but we were always proud of you. You handled your situation a million times better than most older women I know would have. The thing is, you never needed our support, Tori. Sophie was always the breakable one. She was always the one diving head first and coming up bleeding. You were always so fucking independent. You never looked to us for advice, never asked for help. It never occurred to me that you still wanted it. I’m sorry for that. You have no idea how much I hate myself for that. I should have been there and offered more support instead of leaving you to your own. But just look at you! You’ve found the most amazing boy who loves you so much, you have a beautiful apartment and for the first time in a long time, I can see that you’re truly happy. I can take zero credit for that. You did that all on your own. And I am so, so proud of you for that.”

“You know, sometimes all a girl needs is her mom,” I got out before my voice cracked. “Jeff is amazing and there for me and I love him so, so much but he knows it all. I hate going to him for every little thing that sets me off because I hate reopening that wound for him. I always had Sophie to go to when I was growing up but she’s too busy for me now. She has a family to take care of and if I could have for ONE FUCKING TIME thought of someone other than myself maybe I would’ve seen this coming, you know? I should have seen that she was hurting. I was too focused on my own goddam life to see that my own sister was falling apart.”

“Honey, this is not your fault! Oh my God. Stop that right now. You could not have prevented this. Nobody saw this coming but to be honest, at some point it had to. They were too perfect. It was just a matter of time before something came to a head and had to be adjusted. You girls are twenty years old and look at everything you’ve already been through. I’m not saying Sophie getting married was a mistake – come on, they’re insanely in love and perfect for each other. But, they were young. And maybe I should have put a stop to it then and made them wait. Eventually though, this had to happen. You can’t live your whole life in the perfect, ideal relationship. That’s not how it works. I simply wasn’t expecting Sophie to run when times got tough. I figured she’d tough it out.”

“It just makes me so angry that she left them! I mean, I understand her and Gabe fighting. Jeff and I have fought too and there have been times I’m very grateful for long road trips but you can’t just LEAVE your children! That’s unforgivable in my books. I don’t care how badly you fucked up. If she had come to me and TOLD me she needed help I would’ve still helped! I would still be doing this – watching these kids while she got her shit together. It’s the abandonment. You don’t say you’re going to the store and just not come back.”

“I know, Tori. When we find her she’s going to have a lot of explaining to do. But right now, my focus is still on finding her, okay? Can you go change the babies? I’m going to get started on calling hotels.”

“Alright. I’ll be out to help you in a minute.”