Shattered

“Okay. I’m going to not kill you for that statement. Please remember that you are talking about my sister.”

“I don’t know, Tor. She just isn’t SOPHIE, you know? It was all awesome while she was pregnant. I mean, obviously there was some fear because all she could think about was what happened to Casey and she was sad because she was still dealing with that but she was happy too! Like, we were having babies and we were married and it was everything we had always talked about. But then she had the babies and she just, stopped. With the happy, I mean. She’s an amazing mother – don’t get me wrong. She would never do anything to hurt them. Whenever they cry she’s there and she knows exactly what to do. She’s juggling two babies with me gone a lot and I recognize that and I tell her she’s doing so well ALL THE TIME. She just doesn’t smile. Or show any emotion really aside from crying. She won’t even talk to me about anything other than about the kids. We didn’t talk about anything else but the babies until a couple nights before she left. I went out with a few of the guys and honestly, it was so much fun. I mean, I thought I deserved to have some fun sometimes, right? So I drank. Probably too much if we’re being honest but I just wanted to forget all the stress you know? When I got home she LOST it. I mean, yelling, screaming, telling me I’m a shitty dad and a shittier husband. She started throwing things at me and I mean, I was wasted. I could hardly stand up so dodging shit was not my specialty. She just, snapped. And then when we woke up the next morning, she was – Sophie. She was perfectly back to herself before the babies. Then she was just gone completely. That’s it. That’s all and I don’t know what to do from here,” Gabe finished, letting the tears start to fall.

I moved to sit next to Gabe and put my arm around him. “I’m sorry, Gabe. I didn’t realize she was that bad. She always sounded so good on the phone! You should have reached out to us! I would have come out there in a heartbeat. You know that.”

“I just didn’t know what to do! I kept convincing myself that it was just a phase that everyone went through and she’d snap out of it and like, I’d look stupid if I brought it up to anyone. I mean, we get chirped all the time because we’re young and already so ahead of other people our age. I thought this was a thing that maybe I was supposed to know about! And I always thought she’d open up when she wanted to. I never in a million years thought she would leave!”

“I know, I know,” I whispered, rubbing his back. “There was nothing you could do though really. I’ve got a feeling there’s some post-partum or something at work here and if that’s what it is, then being there for her is really all you could do. She probably just decided she needed help or something so she wanted to make sure the babies were okay before she checked herself in somewhere,” I said, more grasping at straws and praying I was right.

I could see that Gabe was starting to calm down a bit and I finally noticed how exhausted he looked.
“Listen, why don’t you get some sleep? You probably haven’t slept in days and now that you’re here and know they’re okay you’ll probably sleep better. There’s a bed in their room if you want to be close to them.”

“Yeah, okay,” Gabe whispered, slowly standing up. As he passed by where Jeff was sitting Jeff grabbed his arm. Standing up, he pulled him into a hug.

“It’s gonna be okay, alright?” I heard him whisper. I saw Gabe nod and wipe his eyes as he broke away from Jeff and made his way to the bedroom. After he had shut the door I walked over and wrapped my arms around Jeff’s waist.

“What if she killed herself,” I whispered. “What if she was so back to normal because she finally decided she was just going to end it all?”

“I have a really hard time believing she would do that. But I feel like at this point what you need me to say is that even if the worst possible situation in the whole universe is true, I’m gonna be here to help you through it,” he grabbed my face and forced me to look him in the eye. “Got it?”

I nodded as I let the tears fall, once again. “I know you will but it’s not me I’m worried about,” I said, glancing over his shoulder to the closed door.

The next morning I woke up to Jeff sound asleep next to me and blissful silence. I rolled over to look at the clock and saw 11:07 blinking at me. “Jesus!” I exclaimed, jumping out of bed and running to check on the babies. I found a note on the kitchen counter from Gabe: “Wanted to spend some quality time with them. Hope Jeff doesn’t mind I borrowed his truck. We’ll be back with dinner around 6!”

I immediately ran back into the bedroom and jumped on Jeff. “GUESS WHAT?!” I screamed at him as he woke up in a panic.

“Jesus Tori!” he jumped up, reaching out to catch me before he knocked me completely off the bed.

I climbed back on top of him and started kissing him. “Guess. What?” I got out in between.

“Hm. I don’t even care,” he replied, smiling and pulling me back down.

“Gabe has the babies. Until 6. And the house is emp – “ I was cut off by Jeff flipping me over so he was on top.

“You can stop talking now. I get it,” he said, moving things along.

As soon as Jeff collapsed next to me, I looked over at him and grinned. “While that was lovely,” I said, trying not to laugh, “I was kind of going for, the house is empty let’s decorate it. But you know, the sex alright too…”

Jeff rolled his eyes at me and fought a smile. “Fine. I guess we can decorate the house.”

“I loveeeeeee you!” I exclaimed, jumping out of bed and hauling on clothes that were scattered around. “Come on! I’ll make pancakes then we’ll get started!”

By the time Gabe walked back into the apartment we had Christmas lights everywhere, a countdown in the kitchen, little decorations on all of the end tables around the apartment and a Christmas tree up and half decorated – and we were passed out cold on the couch.

I woke up to the sound of two babies crying and felt Jeff stirring beside me. I found Gabe in the room with the kids lying on the bed. He was staring at them in complete disbelief, fighting tears of his own.
“She was so right, Tori. I’m such a shitty dad. I don’t even know how to make them stop,” I said, looking on the verge of a complete meltdown.

“Well how long have they been crying?”

“Like 40 minutes! They started when I got them all packed back up into the truck and I was driving and I didn’t know what to do so I pulled over and I couldn’t get them to stop so I just drove back here and was hoping you could just MAKE THEM STOP!”

“Okay, okay. Take a breath. When was the last time you fed them?”

“Fed and changed them about 3 hours ago.”

“Go make them a bottle each and I’ll change them again just to be sure. They’re probably just fussy, Gabe. It happens,” I said with a smile. “You’re a great Dad. You had them all day and they were perfectly fine. They just tired, I’m sure. I don’t want to hear you say that again.”

“Fine,” he muttered, heading to the kitchen. I shook my head and laughed as he walked away. Clearly he was tired too.

“Maybe you guys can nap together!” I called after him. “Now that would be a picture for Twitter!”

The next few days went by pretty quickly. Jeff and Gabe spent a lot of time with the babies while I finished decorating and started looking into the things necessary to open a daycare. The night before Gabe was supposed to leave the three of us were sitting in the living room, staring at the Christmas tree.

“Thanks for taking care of them,” he said quietly, not looking away from the tree. “I want you to know that it really means a lot that you’re willing to help.”

“Gabe, you know we’d do anything for those kids,” I responded. “You have a job to do. They’re better off here right now anyway. It’s just until Sophie comes back and besides, you’ll be here in like 3 weeks for Christmas anyway. We can Skype every night so you can see them. You know I’ll do my best.”

“I know all that,” he continued. “I just really wish I could take them back with me. I wish she would fucking come home!”

The next morning, Jeff drove Gabe to the airport with the babies to say good-bye. While they were gone I was left in my bathroom, staring at the counter wide-eyed. Staring back at me were three very positive pregnancy tests. I was halfway through dialing before I realized – this time I had no one to call.