Before You Go

The wake continued until late that evening. All afternoon there were speeches and talking and drinking. The atmosphere in the house was cloying, and Alice found she needed to escape. Glass of whiskey in hand, she slid out the back door and into the back yard. It was bitingly cold this far North, and no other guests had ventured outside. Alice didn't have her coat, so she stood shivering in her dress and cardigan on the edge of tiling. She could hear taking and clinking from outside. She spared a thought for the fact that it was New Years Eve. She should be in London, getting ready for a party. She had planned to go a nearby club where Madeon was playing. Alice glanced at her watch. It was only three - she had hours to get down to London still. It was bad of her, she knew, to be thinking about parties at the wake of a little girl, but she'd been around this grief for so long. She wanted to get away from it all. She gulped a mouthful of her drink.
Behind her, the back door opened, and she turned. It was Harry. He, too, was carrying a glass, although this was filled with clear spirits.
"Hello," he said, coming up to stand beside her. "Aren't you cold?"
"I'm freezing,"
"Do you want my coat?"
"No, thank you." Alice shook her head.
"Suit yourself." They both drank.
"I want to go back down to London. Today." Alice spoke suddenly. Out of the corner of her eyes she was Harry turn and stare at her. "I can't stand to be here anymore," she continued. "I don't quite belong and it's New Years Eve. I may be a horrible person but I want to have a good time."
"You're not a horrible person for wanting to party away the pain," Harry said quietly. Now it was Alice's turn to look over at him. He was looking down into his glass moodily.
"I'm having a hard time with this. Everyone's changed and I don't know what to do."
"By 'everyone', do you mean Louis?" Alice questioned.
"Yeah - but you kind of have too."
"Sorry," Alice took another drink. Her mind was jumbled with complicated thoughts that chased each other like puppies through her synapses. "I just feel so depressed being here. I mean...damn, Harry, I didn't even know this girl. Everyone else did and I... I don't actually know how to handle having to watch the people I love breaking. So I just kind of joined in. I'm like an emotional chameleon."
"Emotional chameleon?" Harry questioned. He sounded amused. Alice turned and saw that he was smirking across at her. "I like that. Emotional chameleon." He tasted the phrase again.
"It just popped into my head." Alice laughed. "But I think it's quite accurate."
"I suppose it would be... are you going to leave tonight?" The sudden question took her by surprise.
"I suppose so," Alice said. "I'll talk to Eleanor, but I don't think I can handle this much longer."
"I may go, too."
"Really?" Alice blinked. "Unexpected."
"Yeah, well," Harry sighed, rolling his neck to work out the kinks. "I just think it's time to back off. Louis needs time with his family. They all just need family time. No matter how much the guys and I consider each other brothers, we're never going to be. Not like that."
"Fair enough." Alice didn't know what else to say, so she took another sip of her drink. They stood in n silence for awhile. It was almost as if they were nothing more than friends. At that moment, Alice didn't feel the spark that signified to her that their relationship had changed.
"Greif does the funniest things to people," she announced, somewhat at random."I'm going to go pack."
She headed back into the house without a backwards glance.

She'd lost all heart. She couldn't bring herself to find Jo or even Eleanor. Instead, she just left. As the roofs of Doncaster faded to specks in her rearview mirror, she wondered if she was doing the right thing. But by that time, she was on her way home.
Harry called her when she was level with Northampton.
"Hey," she said, leaving one had on the steering wheel. "Are you still in Doncaster?"
"No, I'm almost at Nottingham."
"Oh!" There was a moment of silence. "Do you want to come out with me tonight?"
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to Nitrogen. Madeon's playing a show."
"Madeon?"
"Ah now Harry, are you not familiar with your DJ's?"
Harry ignored that statement. "You're not going to get high, are you?"
"I'll avoid the drugs, if you want," Alice was smiling slightly.
"That'd be good, yeah." Harry sounded relieved.
"Look, I have to go. Driving and talking on the phone is dangerous and all. Come round to mine at nine, I'll take us to the club."
"Okay. See you soon."
Harry rang off, and Alice was left alone with her thoughts once more.
She arrived at home at about eight. Hastily, she changed into a tighter, shorter dressed and re-applied her make-up. She shook her hair out of the plait. It curled enticingly around her face. Then, she heard a knock on the door. Grabbing her phone and keys, she charged over and opened it. Harry was standing there, looking very dapper in his Ramones shirt.
“Ready to go?” he asked. Alice beamed back at him.
“You bet!”

It was easy to forget all their problems. The club was packed and the music loud. Harry and Alice danced close together, and the alcohol had an effect on them, too. They were living in the moment. Then the clock struck twelve and around them everyone was dancing and screaming and kissing furiously. Alice flung her arms around Harry's neck and kissed him hard. He placed one arm around her waist and the other across her shoulder blades and dipped her backwards. Another DJ came on for the later hours and they danced until about four. When they at last stumbled out of the club, they were almost blinded by flashbulbs going off in their face. Alice held a hand up to her face reeling backwards.
"Wha-"
"Fuck. Come on," Harry had a hand on her back and was trying to guide her around a very persistent group of photographers.
"Are you two in a relationship now?" one of them yelled.
"Harry, how is Louis recent family loss affecting you? How is Louis?"
Alice stumbled on her heels. Her head was spinning and her mouth was dry and she could hardly comprehend what was going on. There was a squeal of brakes from the road, and a black taxi cab pulled up, almost going over onto the cab. The tai driver rolled down the window and yelled "You need a ride?"
"Yes!" Alice yelled back, wobbling towards it. More photos were taken. She collapsed against the door, Harry behind her. Somehow they got it open and they both fell across the back seat.
"Wow," Harry said, eyebrows raised, looking across at her once the door was shut. "You are wasted!"
"Where to" The taxi driver asked. Flashes were going off against the window.
"3 Chartiers Road...Kilburn." Alice said.
"You may want to drive pretty fast," Harry said, grimly. The taxi driver wheeled backwards into the road, tyres squealing. Alice, who was attempting to click her seatbelt into the slot, slumped sideways against Harry.
"Ugh," she grumbled, struggling to push herself upright. "Why are we going so fast?"
"Our faces are probably going to be all across the front page of Sugarscape anyway," was all Harry said in reply. At the time, Alice didn't understand him.

Next morning, Alice awoke with an excruciating headache, curled into Harry's side. He was naked and his entire torso was out of the blankets. Alice started horribly when she noticed that his eyes were open and he was looking down at her.
"Morning," she croaked.
"Afternoon," he corrected. They smiled a little.
"I'm gonna go have a shower," Alice said after a moment’s pause. She rolled out of bed and then stood leaning against the doorway, holding a hand to her temple. "Ow."
"Feel free to grab me a glass of water when you're done with your shower!" Harry called from the bed. He'd pulled the duvet up around himself now and was rolled up like a burrito.
"Get it yourself, lazy," Alice grumbled back at him before stumbling out of the door. She didn't remove her hand from her temple.
Once she had showered and dressed and prepared two mugs of coffee, she and Harry sat down together at the table. Harry, nursing his coffee, was scrolling through his twitter feed on his phone. Alice has her laptop out in front of her. She was reading through Sugarscape.
"I see what you meant about us being on the front page of Sugarscape, last night," she remarked conversationally. At once, Harry had risen from his seat and was standing behind her, reading over her shoulder.
'HARRY STYLES AND ALICE MILES - IT RHYMES!'
"Click it," Harry ordered her.
"I was going to anyway," Alice snapped, clicking the link. Harry just huffed at her.
The page loaded with a picture of Harry and Alice on their way out of the club the night before.
'He may have the face and voice of an angel, but our Harry is a known womaniser. Last night, photographers captured him and his model 'friend' Alice Miles leaving the club Nitrogen. Maybe they're just big fans of Madeon, or maybe they were out to hook up. We'll probably never know.'
Next page. A photo of Alice and Eleanor standing together outside of their agency. It had been taken from Alice's twitter page.
'We wouldn't blame Hazza though - Alice is one pretty lady. She's a part-time model and a law student...and she's best friend with Eleanor Calder. That fact alone gives her the tick of approval from us here at Sugarscape.'
Next page. A picture of Louis.
'But speaking of Eleanor...we wonder what she and her boyfriend Louis think of Harry and Alice partying it up 'til the early hours on the night of his sister's funeral.'
"That's quite rude," Alice said coolly when she had finished reading it.
"It makes us sound like really bad people," Harry said, and then sighed. "Look, Alice, I have to go. I have to talk to the boys, and we may have to go for a meeting with Simon and... I don't know, really."
"I should probably do some reading or something," Alice agreed, closing her laptop. She accompanied Harry downstairs to his car.
"See you soon, yeah?"
"Yeah," Harry kissed her quickly on the lips before darting out around the car and into the driver’s seat. Alice didn't wait to wave him goodbye - her phone was ringing.
Caller ID: Eleanor.
"El!" Alice exclaimed as soon as she her started the call. She turned and began to head back into the building. "How is everything?"
"Okay, I suppose," Eleanor sounded dejected. "Why did you leave suddenly yesterday?"
"I just couldn't handle it anymore, I'm sorry," Alice apoligised, jogging up the stairs. "I didn't feel like I would be anything other than a hindrance if I stayed any longer."
"That's fair enough," Eleanor said into the phone. "But um...Alice..."
"Yeah?"
"Have you seen...well, has Louis stopped by, by any chance?"
"Louis?" Alice paused, hand on her doorknob. "No...isn't he with you in Doncaster?"
"Well he should be, but he went out to the pub last night and I'm really worried about him..."
"El, he's an adult. I'm sure he's fine. People deal with their grief in different ways," Alice was somewhat irritated. Sometimes she thought Eleanor was too clingy with Louis.
"But I don't know what to do, Alice. I'm the sort of person that needs someone else when I'm grieving, I can't do this without him!"
"Eleanor, it's his sister that died, not yours!"
"Can you come back up, please?" Eleanor pleaded.
"No!" Alice snapped. She was pacing angrily now. "For God’s sake, El, I'm your friend, not you're portable cuddle buddy. I'm not here to answer your every beck and call!"
"I...I just thought..."
"I don't care! You're not the only one finding this whole sodding ordeal hard, you know?"
"Oh yeah? Well you're fine! You didn't know this girl! You're boyfriend is mentally sane! He's not the one that's disappeared into the -"
"Oh stow it, El!" Alice yelled. She'd grown quickly tired of the conversation. "Louis isn't a child! He's 21 for fucks sake! He can handle himself! I swear to God, you'll survive not being around him for a few days!"
"What's got into you?" Eleanor screeched down the phone. "Why are you being such a bitch to me? My boyfriend is missing! His sister is dead! He -"
"Yeah, yeah, he lives a real hard life. Well you know what, Eleanor perfect Calder? You and your man are not the only people with problems, so just shut up and deal with them on your own. I am!"
Angrily, Alice stabbed at the end call button and threw her phone at the sofa. There she stood, palms pressed hard over her eyes. Her lungs couldn't seem to find enough air.
"I can't deal with this," she mumbled. "What is going on?"
In the past, whenever tense situations had arisen, Alice had gone to a party and found someone to hook up with. Of course, things were different now. She had a boyfriend, although she doubted he'd want to even talk to her tonight. He was probably worrying about Louis too.
“He’s a grown man!” She said as if explaining her point. “He doesn’t need mollycoddling!”

Alice tried to focus on doing some reading that day, but she was too fired up. She worried, at the back of her mind, that she might have said the wrong things in Alice, and she certainly hadn't been entirely justified when it came to picking a fight. At half past five, she couldn't handle it anymore. She grabbed a jacket and slammed her way out of her apartment and down to the local pub. It was as she was sitting there, nursing a beer and staring moodily at the different taps that a bar stool squeaked beside her.
"Why hello, Alice. Long time no see!" A tall lanky man with close cropped black hair and far too many tattoos was sitting next to her.
"Aaron?"
"In the flesh!"
"Wow," she widened her eyes over the top of her beer tankard. "It has been awhile."
"Three years... it's been far too long since high school."
Alice snorted. "I don't think that's possible. Besides, you never even went to college!"
"That's somewhat irrelevant. Last I heard of you, you were living it up at college in Blackpool. Never thought I'd see a girl like you in this swanky area of London."
"I'm fairly sure that's an insult..." Alice said, frowning at him. "You make me out to be some sort of poor prostitute. No thank you, I'm doing very well for myself now. It's you I'd never expect to see in a pub in Hampstead!"
"Well there you go, now we've both insulted each other," Aaron waved at the barman and pointed at the tap of Stella. Obligingly, he filled a tankard and slid it across. Aaron dropped a few coins onto the bar. "Speaking of our past selves, are you still into hard drugs?"
"No," Alice shook her head. "I haven't done them in a good long while. That and my boyfriend disapproves."
"Your boyfriend?" Aaron's eyes were practically popping out of his skull, now. "You? Alice the commitment-phobic?"
"Aaron, you really have to stop judging me for what I was like four years ago. I've grown up." Alice glared at him patronisingly over her drink. He raised his eyebrows at her.
"Have you?"
"You are insufferable," he said coolly. "I wonder why I was even friends with you."
"You were friends with me because we were the only ravers in that god-forsaken town of ours." Aaron answered. She rolled her eyes. "Look," he continued. "Madeon's playing tonight. Want to hit up the club?"
"I saw him last night." Alice drained the last of her drink and slammed it down on the bar. She left some money on the bar and made to stand. Aaron seized her wrist.
"Please, Alice?" he asked plaintively. "For old times sake?"

Next morning, biting her lip, Alice checked Sugarscape first thing. Sure enough, she was front page. There had been paparazzi outside the club again, and they had taken photos of her an Aaron. To make matters worse, Aaron had been utterly high and had almost assaulted one of the paps.
'ALICE MILES - HEARTBREAKER'
'Has there been some sudden breakup we don't know about? All we know is that Alice was spotted leaving the club 'Nitrogen' last night with another man...NOT our Harry. Maybe they weren't dating in the first place. Maybe she's just a really, really big Madeon fan. Or maybe she's a little heartbreaker.'
"Shit!" she said aloud, and ran for her keys.

As soon as she had knocked on the door to Harry's flat, he flung the door open. He was glaring down at her.
"You better come in," he said darkly. Alice stepped into the hallway. He shut the door behind her, scowling.
"Did you have fun last night?" he asked, without moving from beside the door.
"I did, actually. But not for the reason you think. I'm not seeing -"
“Did you cheat on me last night?” Harry spat. She’d never seen him so mad.
“No!” she screamed back at him. “I do have morals, you know! It’s sad that you think so little of me that you reckon I would actually cheat on you!”
“I don’t think little of you!” Harry grumbled reproachfully. The tables had turned on him.
“Well it’s clear you don’t trust me! We’ve been friends for years, Harry. You should trust me. Why don’t you?”
“I do trust you! But you kept secrets from me, Alice! I never knew you used to sleep around -”
“Are you calling me a slut now?” Alice threw her hands up in the air. “You’ve sunk so low that you’re calling me a slut?”
“No - no, I’m not, it’s just I didn’t know and -”
“But Harry, I told you, I changed. Why are you still so hung up on that?” Alice asked him. She was standing with her hands on her hips now. He had his arms crossed, looking like a sulky, overgrown child.
“I’m not. I just don’t like it, okay?”
“I’m not your little pet,” Alice snarled. “I am a -”
“Yes, okay, I get it!” Harry yelled at her. His face was flushed and he was breathing hard. “I get it, you didn’t cheat on me and I’m overreacting and I’m a terrible person, I get it!”
“Ugh...you...you’re impossible!” Alice was close to literally tearing her hair out. At the very least, her hands were knotted in her hair and she was scowling.
“What, because I don’t approve of the fact that my girlfriend used to sleep around and does hard drugs?” Harry sat down heavily on the sofa.
“You liar! You are totally still hung up on that! So what, you expected that just because I was a nice pretty blonde girl model that I was a perfect person, too?”
“Nobody’s perfect,” Harry mumbled.
“Yes, I know that. So why can’t you accept it, Harry? I’m sure you have your flaws. I’m sure you’ve done things you’re not proud. I’m sure you’ve banged random girls before.”
“You don’t know anything about it!” Harry glared up at her, uncrossing his arms and starting to stand up.
“And you don’t know anything about my situation, either! You want to know what happened last night, Harry? I went to the club and I met up with an old friend and we took a few party pills and got well and truly wasted and then I went home at five am. That is it. And I’m sorry if that mortally offends you.” Harry didn’t say anything, he merely stared at her.
“Fine. Okay. Fine.” Alice shook her head at him. Her breathing was heavy, and she was shaking slightly with anger. She was heartily sick of the stupid fight, so she pushed him aside and headed out the door. He didn't try to stop her.

She drove home, tears blurring her vision. She almost crashed twice. She fumbled her key in the lock and dropped it three times before she even managed to open the door. When she was inside, stripped of her coat and lying face down on her bed, she started to cry.
‘You’re so stupid’ she said to herself as she lay there, shaking with sobs. ‘You’ve fought with everyone lately. You’re being a drama queen. You deserve every tear.’