He Never Knew

Zak rarely ever cries. The only time I can remember him crying was when dad left us. The two of them had been close. I think the reason dad left was because he found out I was gay. He spoke to Zak before he moved out. He had said he was leaving because mom and him got into too many arguments and he couldn't take it anymore. But I knew the truth.

The truth was he left because of ME and he couldn't face the fact knowing I like boys even though I am one. Zak knew this too. Add that to the list of reasons why Zak stopped talking to me.

I knocked on Zak's door again, hoping I was making the right decision by coming to talk to him. I waited a couple seconds and heard movement coming from behind the door. Still nobody answered. I knocked again. And again. And again.

'I know you're in there.' I thought as I knocked on the door for the last time. "Zak. Can you open up? I wanted to ask you something."

I saw the golden doorknob turn and then Zak's face appeared. "What do you want, Miles?" He looked worn out. I could see the wet streaks on his face even though he wiped the tears away. I was starting to really feel bad for my brother. I guess gossip can destroy the strongest of people.

"Do... Do you wanna talk?" Damn that stutter. Now he knows how awkward this was for me. He poked his head out into the hallway and looked to see if anyone was around. Is he that embarrassed to be seen with me? He's even paranoid in our own house where it's only us and our mother.

After making sure the coast was clear, he motioned for me to come into his room. I walked in cautiously, still a little on edge. I didn't fully trust Zak, knowing what he is capable of.

"Speak." Zak prompted me. I didn't really know how to start off. What if I irritated him? Or maybe I won't. Maybe he actually wants to talk about what happened. I mean, he did invite me into his room.

I figured the best way to get the ball rolling would be to come right out and say it. "I heard about what happened. With that girl."

He frowned a bit and sighed. "Of course you did. Everyone has." He closed his bedroom door and slowly made his way to sit on the bed. He put his face in his hands and shook his head.

'Uh oh. He's showing way too much emotion for my liking. What if he cries? I won't know what to do. And then he'll probably hurt me for seeing his weak side. But I don't think crying is a weakness. It's actually an attractive look on him.'

Wait. What?

Did I just say my brother looked attractive while he was crying? That's just pathetic. And... creepy.

"Yeah. Uhm... Well, I came in here to see if you wanted to, you know, talk about it?" The thoughts from earlier still plagued my mind and I felt plain out dirty for just standing in my brother's room.

"Not really, Miles." It was hard to understand what he said since his face was still in his hands. Everything came out muffled and cracked.

It would be an understatement to say I was disappointed. I thought maybe we could have a civilized conversation for once.

"Okay," I said, making my way to the door. "Just know if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you." I hadn't realized what I said until the words had already left my mouth.

My hand was on the doorknob when he started to talk again. "It's just amazing that my best friend and girlfriend would turn against me like that, you know?" Everything poured out of him at once and he stumbled over his words. "I thought we were closer than that but they just... They just... UGH!" He jumped off his bed and started pacing around the room with his hand at his forehead. "Why am I telling you this, anyway?"

I was wondering the same thing. The only explanation I had was, "Because I'm your brother?"

He cackled. "That doesn't mean anything to me. We never acted like brothers before and we're sure as hell not going to start now."

I was taken aback. Weren't we getting along just a few short minutes ago? What happened to that? Yes, I was upset, but I wasn't going to let Zak the bastard see me cry.

I think I saw regret flash in his eyes, but I didn't stay long enough to find out. I ran out of his room and didn't look back.