Dark Times, Dark Tales
To Write HELL On Her Arms
I suppose you have not heard the story of Tasha Smith. If you say you haven't I am not surprised only sad. It is a sad story but not one that is well known. It starts not too long ago in a small town not so different from your own. Tasha herself was not so different either. She was a little sadder than the average teenage girl, but otherwise she was as ordinary as any other girl her age. Tasha's parents on the other hand were not so average. They were very religious and traditional. Every morning Tasha would put the clothes she wanted to wear at school in her backpack. Then she would get dressed in the “decent” horribly unfashionable clothes her parents approved of and headed down to eat breakfast. Her mother did not put much stock and store into being feminine and Tasha resented her for this. Tasha's mother had told her why she dressed the way she did. She felt if she dressed well other men would look at her and sin and she did not want to cause another human to sin. Tasha thought that was immensely stupid. But it was just the way it was. When Tasha arrived at school she changed into her more fashionable clothes. She wanted to look nice and she did. She was a pretty girl with silky brown hair, perky breasts, and long slender legs. And if the truth be told boys looked at her. They liked how she looked, and Tasha knew quite a few of them wanted her. This gave her a feeling of satisfaction that her parent's would have found quite foul and detestable. But that did not matter to Tasha.
Tasha resented her parents for forcing this prudish lifestyle on her. She wanted to be free and live her life the way she felt was right in her heart, but she was not able to. Her parents controlled where she went, what kind of music she listened to, what kind of movies she could watch, and what kind of people she could hang out with. They also used the Bible as a crippling weapon. Using and twisting verses to manipulate her into being the girl they wanted her to be. And there was no arguing with the Bible, it was after all the divine and perfect word of God. Her parents reminded her of this frequently.
And whenever Amelia had argued with her parents her father sent her to her room and her punishment was being grounded for two weeks and writing a bible verse about honoring your father and mother fifty times. She hated them for this treatment.
Tasha would never forget when she had her first wet dream she went to her mother to ask about it, bewildered and terribly afraid of what had happened. Her mother had slapped her face and called her a wicked child. Telling her to repent for such lustful thoughts. Tasha was sent to her room to write a bible verse about how to avoid lust one-hundred times. That was really the straw that broke the camel's back. Inside of Tasha a white hot anger and hatred towards the Bible was welling up. Her parents were ignorant of this and Tasha intended to keep it this way. So no matter how frustrated she got with them Tasha kept her cool because she knew something her parents did not. She knew that inside of her the fields of rebellion were ripe and Tasha was ready for the harvest. Tasha smirked at this thought and chuckled softly, oh what a great and terrible harvest it would be.
The harvester's name was Justin. Justin came into Tasha's life her junior year. Justin was nothing like Tasha. He was wild and free and he lived his life in the manner that seemed best to him. She got to know him and she fell for him hard, and it wasn't long before they started dating. They soon fell in love, but all was not well. Once Tasha's parents found out she was dating they asked about Justin. After hearing about him they mutually decided they disapproved of him and told Tasha she was not to see him anymore. But Tasha could not bear to rip herself away from Justin. He made her feel normal and more importantly he made her feel truly beautiful. So Tasha and Justin found creative ways to see each other, staying after school to “study”, meeting in the library during study hall, and sneaking out at night to lay under the stars together. It was all very wonderful and Justin's parents helped them see each other. They thought Tasha's parents were overreacting and making the situation worse by forbidding Tasha to see Justin. Justin's parents tried to reason with Tasha's parents but it was no use, their convictions were set in stone. Their religion was to blame for this. Tasha's parents attended a little Baptist church in the country and they forced her to attend every Sunday morning and night. They had their noses permanently planted in the Bible and so unfortunately their perception of their (and their daughter's) reality was not as clear as it should have been. Their ignorance, stubbornness, and pride were greater than their reason and this state of mind would yield horrible consequences. As the end of Tasha's junior year grew near tensions in Tasha's house grew. Her parents preached more and more to her and listened less and less. She was beginning to think their religion was warping their minds.
Tasha changed quite a bit her junior year. She got into non-Christian music and learned to love hip-hop and rap. She then began to hate the hymns she had been forced to sing for so many years in the church. And the most important change happened on a warm spring night in late April. She had made love to Justin and loved it. As time wore on she had sex with him more frequently. The sex took away the pain, took away the feeling of hopelessness, took away the feeling of her life not being her own. Tasha felt that with every orgasm she reclaimed another little piece of her life. But more deliciously satisfying, every time she rode Justin wildly she pictured her mother's expression at the sight of her “Pure” daughter doing such a despicable act. That image made her climax every time. Her room was in the basement, she liked this, it gave her space and let her be alone when she needed it. There was also a bulkhead that led outside and many nights Justin would drive and park a few houses down from Tasha's and walk to her house. She would let him in and they spent the night together, Justin leaving usually around 4:30 AM long before Tasha's father woke up at 6 AM. This is how it went for a long time, and Tasha found life to be tolerable. But as Tasha approached her senior year her parents became more aggressive in their parenting. They ruled over her and kept a close watch on her, oppressing her. Yet all the while, under their noses her hatred for them and her love for Justin grew and grew.
One day while Tasha was at school her mother went into her room. She sighed because the room was messy. She went and sat on her daughter's bed. She sighed again, how had things gotten so bad? She knew her daughter hated her. Oh Tasha hid it well with sweet fake smiles and politeness, but there was a growing hate in her. One that scared Tasha's mother, the kind that manifests itself in awful ways. Tasha was a good actor and Tasha's mother was sure her husband had no idea of the anger and hate sitting below Tasha's cool exterior. A tear slid down her cheek slowly. She wished more than anything that she could have her little Tasha back, so sweet, so innocent, so simple (to control). She got up and walked over to her daughter's dresser, several drawers were open and clothes hung over the sides. Looking at the dresser she smiled when she saw a small wooden box with the lord's prayer painted in gold letters on the lid. She opened the box fondly remembering how they had bought Tasha that box when she was baptized at thirteen. What was in the box nearly caused her to faint. Inside were several condoms, two were used and three were unopened. Her mother looked at the condoms in disbelief, the two that were used were tied off in the middle and a whitish gray liquid sat in them. The three that remained were still in their colorful plastic packaging, she screamed for her husband and he came running.
Tasha came home in a good mood, it hadn't been a bad day. She didn't have any homework, and she had gotten an A on a math test she had hardly studied for. Life was good. Tasha walked in the house and was greeted by her mother at the door, Tasha could tell she had been crying. Tasha then felt very worried. The only time Tasha's mother cried was when Tasha had done something really bad. Tasha followed her mother into the living room and on the coffee table sat a small wooden box Tasha knew all too well. Inside were five condoms, two full of the cream she had grown so addicted to, three unopened. Tasha's heart sank, and a tear ran down her cheek slowly. Her father sat in his easy chair shaking his head saying nothing and Tasha's mother burst into another round of tears and slapped her face twice. Tasha's mother went to slap her again but her daughter's look stopped her. This time Tasha made no effort to hide her hate and anger. Tasha's mother stepped back, a terrible fear in her eyes and did not hit Tasha ever again. Finally her father looked up and said in a furious voice “Do you want to got to Hell?” Tasha shook her head and she listened silently as her father raved about fornicators and their place in Hell. All the while she could barely hear her father. She was far away, but rapidly approaching and she feared what she might do when she arrived. She arrived and her fury was hot and steely. Her mind screamed “Fuck you! I Hate You! I Hate You! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!” but her mouth was silent. She uttered an odd little chuckle, and her father looked at her oddly. With a fire in his eyes he asked what was so funny. She said nothing. She only cried softly, tears coming down slowly one, sometimes two at a time. Her father then told her that for her own benefit they had taken her out of school and that she would finish the year being homeschooled by her mother. Tasha ran out of the room, down the stairs into her room, slammed the door, sunk down till she was sitting against the door, and wept bitterly.
After awhile Tasha stopped crying and looked around her room. New posters with Bible verses on them were put all around her room, and a new Bible laid on her bed. Tasha felt her sanity slipping away. And after a few months she fell into a deep depression. A few months after that Tasha tried to hang herself, but her mother had found her in time. Tasha's parents decided then that she should see a Psychiatrist. He gave various reasons for her behavior, but none of them were right. But eventually a consensus was reached and she was given medication to help with her Major Depressive Disorder. But the pills did not help her. Pills can't fix everything. Tasha's heart was mangled beyond repair and it could never be saved. A large part of her was gone, just like that, gone without warning. She did not sleep well, and she had taken to biting herself compulsively till she bled. Her parents were convinced she was possessed so they read her a chapter of the Bible everyday. Tasha simply listened and bit herself harder tasting the sweet flavor of blood on her tongue. Tasha's parents even went so far as to have a priest try an exorcism on her. Nothing was discovered, though the priest did not fully rule out possession as a cause for her behavior.
Tasha was not possessed but her heart hurt so badly she had to feel something other than the constant aching in her chest. She had bit herself for the first time for no real reason, and the harder she bit the less her brain send out waves of pain and misery. She bit until she tasted blood and then the pain in her chest was gone. The only thing she felt was the burning in her arm and the oddly comforting taste of blood in her mouth. It was pain, but at least it was not the searing pain of heartbreak. Eventually this stopped being effective and the constant pain returned again. Worse this time, and finally at the end of her senior year Tasha decided enough was enough. She was sick of this life, sick of being stuck at home, sick of seeing only the people at church who looked at her disdainfully, sick of feeling this burning in her heart, she was sick of so much. To her life wasn't worth living anymore.
On June 5th at 11:38 PM Tasha's parents were asleep upstairs. Tasha slowly ascended the basement stairs naked and pale as a ghost. She knew what she had to do. She had to end this miserable existence. Some lives aren't worth living. She silently walked into the kitchen. It was a lovely good sized kitchen with a nice granite counter tops, cherry wood cabinets, and stainless steel appliances. On the wall near the table hung a large crucifix about three feet long that was made out of stainless steel. A friend of her father's had made it as a thank you for teaching a Bible study that he was in. Tasha took it gently off the wall and felt the sharp cold tip at the bottom. She sighed and then walked over to one of the kitchen drawers. She opened it slowly, it squeaked a bit. Her father had been meaning to fix it for a few months now, but he hadn't gotten around to it yet. Didn't matter to her now though. Inside the drawer spoons, forks, and most importantly knives, looked up at her. She picked up her mother's favorite knife, a three inch paring knife with a wooden handle. She used it almost everyday and loved it dearly. Tasha scoffed at the words engraved on the handle “God Bless Our Home”. If this was supposed to be a good luck charm it had failed horribly. She grabbed four other knives out of the drawer and left the kitchen. She then walked into her father's study. There were a few shelves full of books, and a large wooden desk that held naughty and now very hurtful memories with Justin. Then her eyes fell on what she came for. In a glass case on a pedestal was the family bible. It was a large book that had been in the family for five generations, and was valued at several thousand dollars. It was her father's most prized possession. She opened the case and took the book out, it smelled very old and nasty. She then descended the stairs as quietly as she had come up them. At 11:44 PM Tasha sat on her bed feeling the pain in her chest for the last time. She took a deep breath, got up, and chaos ensued.
At 11:47 PM a panting Tasha sat back on her bed and admired her work. Ancient Bible pages were scattered everywhere, the posters with bible verses on them were slashed, and Tasha had punched several holes with her fist clean through the drywall. Tasha sat motionless for a few moments, taking in everything she had done, she felt no remorse. She then looked at the knives set before her. Two paring knives, a santoku, a cutlet knife, and a chef's knife. She looked at them and smiled, the time was right. She took her mother's paring knife and went to work. She worked slowly and meticulously till a neat and unmistakable “HE” was cut into her right arm. She watched the blood leak out of the newly cut letters and her body shuddered it felt so good. She carved “LL” on her left arm. She shuddered again and slowly raised her arms towards the sky, blood dripping onto her bed from her fresh wounds. Then as if seized by an odd compulsion she looked at the bloody knife and flung it will all her might. It sunk into her wall and blood dripped onto the beige wall. She felt an odd power flow through her and then clear as day flames appeared all around her. Hungry orange flames started consuming all that was around her and she was sure she heard a bell toll thirteen times. An odd smile formed on Tasha's face and she knew it was time.
At 11:51 PM Tasha sat on her bed in an odd sort of ecstasy. She picked up the santoku knife and let the tip rest of her right breast and then with a little force it slid in her skin and Tasha smiled once again. She carved the word: “LOVE” and threw the knife as she had the other. It sank into a poster that had a picture of Jesus with outstretched arms that said “God is Love”She watched as the blood trickled slowly down the poster. She then took one of the paring knives into her hands, it was a bit heavy but the tip wasn't as sharp so it took more effort to pierce her pale skin, that was okay though, it didn't bother Tasha. She carved the word “LUST” into her left breast and then flung the knife at another poster that had the whole thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians on it in pretty white lettering. Next was the cutlet knife Tasha admired the blade on this one it was very sharp and she wanted it. She cut “SEX” slowly above her neatly shaven twat. She gleefully cut deep vertical slashes on her inner thighs and when blood leaked out she squeezed her legs together tightly and smiled at the blood that had gathered on her pink lips. She giggled a little, she knew she wasn't well, but she didn't care anymore. Another knife flew and landed in a poster with a wedding ring that said “Love Waits”. The knife stuck in the paper diamond and blood flowed over it. The chef's knife gleamed at her, and she picked it up with intense fascination. It's blade was larger than the others and she imagined how it would feel. A shiver went down her spine. She slowly carved an “H” on her small stomach followed by an “A” she paused for a moment watching the blood leak out. A “T” followed the “A” and a ragged blood “E” finished the word. “HATE” Tasha looked at it and closed her eyes she threw this last knife and it planted itself in a smaller poster that said “John 3:16”. She then sighed deeply and looking down at her body she admired her work. It was lovely and poetic in an awful way, beautiful in a twisted man's eye and in her's. She took the large steel crucifix and ran a finger down its long side until it landed on the crucifix's point. She then held its long end towards her and pressed the cold point gently to her heart. She listened to her heart beat rapidly. Was it excitement or fear, Tasha didn't really know. Grabbing both sides of the cross' crossbeam her hands closed into fists palms up. She took a deep breath, paused, and thought. “This is what it's like to be on the edge, it's not so bad. I'm not afraid. It's time, I know it is, I only wish I could have seen him one more time...” A tear rolled down her cheek and then with one movement she shoved the end of the crucifix into her until the crossbeam sat against her stomach. At first there was an agonizing pain and Tasha bit her tongue so she wouldn't scream. Then the world slowly faded from her view and things became very blurry. The flames around her burned down slowly and her heart stopped aching for the first time in a long time. She saw a bright light, gates, and a kind looking man and she smiled. The clock upstairs chimed midnight and Tasha sighed, closed her eyes, and passed peacefully with a smile on her face.
The next day Tasha's mother had come down to get her for her school lessons and smelled smoke. She quickly opened the door and this time she did faint. She came to and looked at the carnage before her.
The concrete floor was almost entirely blackened like it had burned. Smoke stains covered the beige walls and ceiling, and old bible pages were strewn everywhere. She started shaking uncontrollably when she saw her daughter lying on her bed in a pool of blood, words carved into her body and her husband's prized crucifix driven deep into her. But most disturbing of all was the smile on Tasha's face. This haunted her mother until the day she died at the age of sixty-seven.
The funeral was a bleak affair. Justin showed up but was asked to leave by Tasha's father, though it could be perceived as a horribly rude Justin did not listen and stayed regardless. Justin delivered a very sweet and loving eulogy. It had been six months since he had seen her, but he had talked to her on the night before she had impaled herself. She called him at 10:30 PM and had hung up at 11:38 PM. She told him of her plans and he begged her not to. But she told him it could not be undone. He had not slept that night. He tried calling her cell again and again after that but got no answer. Finally he gave up and when Tasha impaled herself he felt a horrible pain in his chest, and he wept the rest of the night. Now Justin looked at the closed casket with flowers on top and thought how unfair it was, she did not deserve this. An unhappy old pastor who had done more funerals than weddings delivered a message that was too long and dry. After the message, a black liquid started seeping out of Tasha's casket in thin strands. Justin noticed this and looked at it curiously but said nothing. Finally Tasha's mother shrieked when she saw the nasty liquid leaking out of their beloved daughter's casket. The casket then flew open the top was blown off like an explosion and they saw their daughters body glowing. Justin and Tasha's father ran to the casket and gasped. Tasha laid there in a white silky long gown she was not in when they had laid her there awhile ago. She looked like an angel her long brown hair had gone white and her hands had moved to her sides. The bouquet of lilies she was holding, had turned into a bunch of white roses with golden thorn-less stems. They filled up the casket and unable to help himself. Justin took one of them, and smelled it. It smelled of fading perfume, hot breath and sweat. A smell Justin had experienced with Tasha many times. Justin held it close to him. It stayed beautiful and unchanged until the die he died and was buried with it.
Justin looked at her with a mix of sadness and awe and quietly said “She's with him now, she made it, no more pain, no more sorrow, she's with him.” Justin's father was speechless. Suddenly the casket started to rise. The coffin glided through the air and came down again in the center of the room in the aisle. It settled down and somewhere in the distance Tasha's parents rushed to the coffin and stood there mouths open. Justin did not go over he felt a dark presence emulating from the casket, something was going to happen. And it wasn't going to be something good. Tasha's death had an odd power around it, it was not a natural death, nor even a normal suicide. Something about it was demonic, and it was almost like Tasha wanted it to be this way. Not because she was Satanic, maybe more because the other power had failed to save or even help her. So she turned to the only other power she could think of. This made Justin sad.
Outside it seemed to grow darker and an eerie quiet fell. Birds became silent and the wind died. Tasha's parents looked at their daughter and then her body stiffened into an upright arch and a horribly unnatural screaming noise came from her. At this everyone else decided there were better places to be and scattered like cockroaches. Eventually it was just Justin and Tasha's parents in the room. Tasha's clothing burst into flames. The flowers in the casket withered and died, and after a few seconds all that remained of them were ashes. The scars in Tasha's arms began to bleed again. But what frightened Tasha's mother most was there were two new scars. Two new words. The new scars scared her but all three words together made her blood turn cold. In a vibrant red the words “HELL AWAITS YOU” spoke to her in an unnatural way. Tasha's father screamed something about demons and angels and God, but Tasha's mother did not hear. She was consumed by this message and as much as she tried to deny it, in her heart she knew it was true, and this brought her fear beyond words.
The graveside was a very unhappy event. Rain poured down and thunder rumbled somewhere far away.
The same minister gave another boring message and Justin stood there without an umbrella his dark clothes sopping wet, but he did not care. He stood on the opposite side of the casket from Tasha's parents he did not want to be near them. Her father spoke briefly which Justin thought was odd, he spoke to Tasha.
“I love you my daughter, and I am sorry we could not save you from whatever devilish infliction that caused you to do what you did that night. We should have done more for you, read you more of the Bible, watched you closer, took you to see the minister more often. I am sorry. I do not think you meant to hurt us with what you did, I do not think you were in control of yourself so I forgive you daughter, I forgive you. May you rest in peace.”
Justin felt a red hot anger building inside of him then Tasha's mother spoke.
“Tasha my child, my only child, God blessed me when he gave me you. And I forgive you as well, you did not know what you were doing. I will miss you very much.”
Justin stood there, the rain pouring, the thunder closer now, seething. Forgive her? Forgive her? Well I know that your daughter never forgave you. After the graveside Josh stood in silence, until Tasha's mother and father came over to him. They looked at him kindly for probably the first time but Justin was not fooled they had an agenda. Those kind of people always do. Tasha’s father spoke first.
“I am sorry for your loss Justin. I know you will miss her, would you like to go to lunch with us? We have been here quite awhile and I am a bit hungry.” Justin looked at Tasha's father with anger in his eyes, hungry? He was hungry? Then Tasha's mother spoke.
“We know you truly loved our daughter and we are sorry things had to go this way. I imagine you know much we do not about what happened, she talked to you before she... died. It would mean a lot to me if you could tell us more about what happened.”
Justin took a deep breath and let it out.
“I will tell you why she did it. It was you, it was you who caused her to write Hell on her arms. Your radical convictions drove her mad. It made her want death, it made her appeal to a darker power than you or I can ever understand. That night she told me so much that broke my heart. She was more special than you will ever know and you killed her. And you want me to tell you the sweet intimate things she told me. You must be dreaming.” Justin walked away and stood looking at the headstone. Tasha's parents didn't follow.
Tasha S. Smith
3/5/89-6/6/06
“She Loved Life”
Justin looked back at Tasha's parents “By the way your epitaph is bullshit.” Justin kept walking. Tasha's parents went back to her grave next week and much to their horror. They saw that the zero in the date she died had disappeared and her headstone read: 3/5/89-6/6/6 They walked away convinced demons killed their baby. Maybe that was real tragedy in this whole mess.
Tasha resented her parents for forcing this prudish lifestyle on her. She wanted to be free and live her life the way she felt was right in her heart, but she was not able to. Her parents controlled where she went, what kind of music she listened to, what kind of movies she could watch, and what kind of people she could hang out with. They also used the Bible as a crippling weapon. Using and twisting verses to manipulate her into being the girl they wanted her to be. And there was no arguing with the Bible, it was after all the divine and perfect word of God. Her parents reminded her of this frequently.
And whenever Amelia had argued with her parents her father sent her to her room and her punishment was being grounded for two weeks and writing a bible verse about honoring your father and mother fifty times. She hated them for this treatment.
Tasha would never forget when she had her first wet dream she went to her mother to ask about it, bewildered and terribly afraid of what had happened. Her mother had slapped her face and called her a wicked child. Telling her to repent for such lustful thoughts. Tasha was sent to her room to write a bible verse about how to avoid lust one-hundred times. That was really the straw that broke the camel's back. Inside of Tasha a white hot anger and hatred towards the Bible was welling up. Her parents were ignorant of this and Tasha intended to keep it this way. So no matter how frustrated she got with them Tasha kept her cool because she knew something her parents did not. She knew that inside of her the fields of rebellion were ripe and Tasha was ready for the harvest. Tasha smirked at this thought and chuckled softly, oh what a great and terrible harvest it would be.
The harvester's name was Justin. Justin came into Tasha's life her junior year. Justin was nothing like Tasha. He was wild and free and he lived his life in the manner that seemed best to him. She got to know him and she fell for him hard, and it wasn't long before they started dating. They soon fell in love, but all was not well. Once Tasha's parents found out she was dating they asked about Justin. After hearing about him they mutually decided they disapproved of him and told Tasha she was not to see him anymore. But Tasha could not bear to rip herself away from Justin. He made her feel normal and more importantly he made her feel truly beautiful. So Tasha and Justin found creative ways to see each other, staying after school to “study”, meeting in the library during study hall, and sneaking out at night to lay under the stars together. It was all very wonderful and Justin's parents helped them see each other. They thought Tasha's parents were overreacting and making the situation worse by forbidding Tasha to see Justin. Justin's parents tried to reason with Tasha's parents but it was no use, their convictions were set in stone. Their religion was to blame for this. Tasha's parents attended a little Baptist church in the country and they forced her to attend every Sunday morning and night. They had their noses permanently planted in the Bible and so unfortunately their perception of their (and their daughter's) reality was not as clear as it should have been. Their ignorance, stubbornness, and pride were greater than their reason and this state of mind would yield horrible consequences. As the end of Tasha's junior year grew near tensions in Tasha's house grew. Her parents preached more and more to her and listened less and less. She was beginning to think their religion was warping their minds.
Tasha changed quite a bit her junior year. She got into non-Christian music and learned to love hip-hop and rap. She then began to hate the hymns she had been forced to sing for so many years in the church. And the most important change happened on a warm spring night in late April. She had made love to Justin and loved it. As time wore on she had sex with him more frequently. The sex took away the pain, took away the feeling of hopelessness, took away the feeling of her life not being her own. Tasha felt that with every orgasm she reclaimed another little piece of her life. But more deliciously satisfying, every time she rode Justin wildly she pictured her mother's expression at the sight of her “Pure” daughter doing such a despicable act. That image made her climax every time. Her room was in the basement, she liked this, it gave her space and let her be alone when she needed it. There was also a bulkhead that led outside and many nights Justin would drive and park a few houses down from Tasha's and walk to her house. She would let him in and they spent the night together, Justin leaving usually around 4:30 AM long before Tasha's father woke up at 6 AM. This is how it went for a long time, and Tasha found life to be tolerable. But as Tasha approached her senior year her parents became more aggressive in their parenting. They ruled over her and kept a close watch on her, oppressing her. Yet all the while, under their noses her hatred for them and her love for Justin grew and grew.
One day while Tasha was at school her mother went into her room. She sighed because the room was messy. She went and sat on her daughter's bed. She sighed again, how had things gotten so bad? She knew her daughter hated her. Oh Tasha hid it well with sweet fake smiles and politeness, but there was a growing hate in her. One that scared Tasha's mother, the kind that manifests itself in awful ways. Tasha was a good actor and Tasha's mother was sure her husband had no idea of the anger and hate sitting below Tasha's cool exterior. A tear slid down her cheek slowly. She wished more than anything that she could have her little Tasha back, so sweet, so innocent, so simple (to control). She got up and walked over to her daughter's dresser, several drawers were open and clothes hung over the sides. Looking at the dresser she smiled when she saw a small wooden box with the lord's prayer painted in gold letters on the lid. She opened the box fondly remembering how they had bought Tasha that box when she was baptized at thirteen. What was in the box nearly caused her to faint. Inside were several condoms, two were used and three were unopened. Her mother looked at the condoms in disbelief, the two that were used were tied off in the middle and a whitish gray liquid sat in them. The three that remained were still in their colorful plastic packaging, she screamed for her husband and he came running.
Tasha came home in a good mood, it hadn't been a bad day. She didn't have any homework, and she had gotten an A on a math test she had hardly studied for. Life was good. Tasha walked in the house and was greeted by her mother at the door, Tasha could tell she had been crying. Tasha then felt very worried. The only time Tasha's mother cried was when Tasha had done something really bad. Tasha followed her mother into the living room and on the coffee table sat a small wooden box Tasha knew all too well. Inside were five condoms, two full of the cream she had grown so addicted to, three unopened. Tasha's heart sank, and a tear ran down her cheek slowly. Her father sat in his easy chair shaking his head saying nothing and Tasha's mother burst into another round of tears and slapped her face twice. Tasha's mother went to slap her again but her daughter's look stopped her. This time Tasha made no effort to hide her hate and anger. Tasha's mother stepped back, a terrible fear in her eyes and did not hit Tasha ever again. Finally her father looked up and said in a furious voice “Do you want to got to Hell?” Tasha shook her head and she listened silently as her father raved about fornicators and their place in Hell. All the while she could barely hear her father. She was far away, but rapidly approaching and she feared what she might do when she arrived. She arrived and her fury was hot and steely. Her mind screamed “Fuck you! I Hate You! I Hate You! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!” but her mouth was silent. She uttered an odd little chuckle, and her father looked at her oddly. With a fire in his eyes he asked what was so funny. She said nothing. She only cried softly, tears coming down slowly one, sometimes two at a time. Her father then told her that for her own benefit they had taken her out of school and that she would finish the year being homeschooled by her mother. Tasha ran out of the room, down the stairs into her room, slammed the door, sunk down till she was sitting against the door, and wept bitterly.
After awhile Tasha stopped crying and looked around her room. New posters with Bible verses on them were put all around her room, and a new Bible laid on her bed. Tasha felt her sanity slipping away. And after a few months she fell into a deep depression. A few months after that Tasha tried to hang herself, but her mother had found her in time. Tasha's parents decided then that she should see a Psychiatrist. He gave various reasons for her behavior, but none of them were right. But eventually a consensus was reached and she was given medication to help with her Major Depressive Disorder. But the pills did not help her. Pills can't fix everything. Tasha's heart was mangled beyond repair and it could never be saved. A large part of her was gone, just like that, gone without warning. She did not sleep well, and she had taken to biting herself compulsively till she bled. Her parents were convinced she was possessed so they read her a chapter of the Bible everyday. Tasha simply listened and bit herself harder tasting the sweet flavor of blood on her tongue. Tasha's parents even went so far as to have a priest try an exorcism on her. Nothing was discovered, though the priest did not fully rule out possession as a cause for her behavior.
Tasha was not possessed but her heart hurt so badly she had to feel something other than the constant aching in her chest. She had bit herself for the first time for no real reason, and the harder she bit the less her brain send out waves of pain and misery. She bit until she tasted blood and then the pain in her chest was gone. The only thing she felt was the burning in her arm and the oddly comforting taste of blood in her mouth. It was pain, but at least it was not the searing pain of heartbreak. Eventually this stopped being effective and the constant pain returned again. Worse this time, and finally at the end of her senior year Tasha decided enough was enough. She was sick of this life, sick of being stuck at home, sick of seeing only the people at church who looked at her disdainfully, sick of feeling this burning in her heart, she was sick of so much. To her life wasn't worth living anymore.
On June 5th at 11:38 PM Tasha's parents were asleep upstairs. Tasha slowly ascended the basement stairs naked and pale as a ghost. She knew what she had to do. She had to end this miserable existence. Some lives aren't worth living. She silently walked into the kitchen. It was a lovely good sized kitchen with a nice granite counter tops, cherry wood cabinets, and stainless steel appliances. On the wall near the table hung a large crucifix about three feet long that was made out of stainless steel. A friend of her father's had made it as a thank you for teaching a Bible study that he was in. Tasha took it gently off the wall and felt the sharp cold tip at the bottom. She sighed and then walked over to one of the kitchen drawers. She opened it slowly, it squeaked a bit. Her father had been meaning to fix it for a few months now, but he hadn't gotten around to it yet. Didn't matter to her now though. Inside the drawer spoons, forks, and most importantly knives, looked up at her. She picked up her mother's favorite knife, a three inch paring knife with a wooden handle. She used it almost everyday and loved it dearly. Tasha scoffed at the words engraved on the handle “God Bless Our Home”. If this was supposed to be a good luck charm it had failed horribly. She grabbed four other knives out of the drawer and left the kitchen. She then walked into her father's study. There were a few shelves full of books, and a large wooden desk that held naughty and now very hurtful memories with Justin. Then her eyes fell on what she came for. In a glass case on a pedestal was the family bible. It was a large book that had been in the family for five generations, and was valued at several thousand dollars. It was her father's most prized possession. She opened the case and took the book out, it smelled very old and nasty. She then descended the stairs as quietly as she had come up them. At 11:44 PM Tasha sat on her bed feeling the pain in her chest for the last time. She took a deep breath, got up, and chaos ensued.
At 11:47 PM a panting Tasha sat back on her bed and admired her work. Ancient Bible pages were scattered everywhere, the posters with bible verses on them were slashed, and Tasha had punched several holes with her fist clean through the drywall. Tasha sat motionless for a few moments, taking in everything she had done, she felt no remorse. She then looked at the knives set before her. Two paring knives, a santoku, a cutlet knife, and a chef's knife. She looked at them and smiled, the time was right. She took her mother's paring knife and went to work. She worked slowly and meticulously till a neat and unmistakable “HE” was cut into her right arm. She watched the blood leak out of the newly cut letters and her body shuddered it felt so good. She carved “LL” on her left arm. She shuddered again and slowly raised her arms towards the sky, blood dripping onto her bed from her fresh wounds. Then as if seized by an odd compulsion she looked at the bloody knife and flung it will all her might. It sunk into her wall and blood dripped onto the beige wall. She felt an odd power flow through her and then clear as day flames appeared all around her. Hungry orange flames started consuming all that was around her and she was sure she heard a bell toll thirteen times. An odd smile formed on Tasha's face and she knew it was time.
At 11:51 PM Tasha sat on her bed in an odd sort of ecstasy. She picked up the santoku knife and let the tip rest of her right breast and then with a little force it slid in her skin and Tasha smiled once again. She carved the word: “LOVE” and threw the knife as she had the other. It sank into a poster that had a picture of Jesus with outstretched arms that said “God is Love”She watched as the blood trickled slowly down the poster. She then took one of the paring knives into her hands, it was a bit heavy but the tip wasn't as sharp so it took more effort to pierce her pale skin, that was okay though, it didn't bother Tasha. She carved the word “LUST” into her left breast and then flung the knife at another poster that had the whole thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians on it in pretty white lettering. Next was the cutlet knife Tasha admired the blade on this one it was very sharp and she wanted it. She cut “SEX” slowly above her neatly shaven twat. She gleefully cut deep vertical slashes on her inner thighs and when blood leaked out she squeezed her legs together tightly and smiled at the blood that had gathered on her pink lips. She giggled a little, she knew she wasn't well, but she didn't care anymore. Another knife flew and landed in a poster with a wedding ring that said “Love Waits”. The knife stuck in the paper diamond and blood flowed over it. The chef's knife gleamed at her, and she picked it up with intense fascination. It's blade was larger than the others and she imagined how it would feel. A shiver went down her spine. She slowly carved an “H” on her small stomach followed by an “A” she paused for a moment watching the blood leak out. A “T” followed the “A” and a ragged blood “E” finished the word. “HATE” Tasha looked at it and closed her eyes she threw this last knife and it planted itself in a smaller poster that said “John 3:16”. She then sighed deeply and looking down at her body she admired her work. It was lovely and poetic in an awful way, beautiful in a twisted man's eye and in her's. She took the large steel crucifix and ran a finger down its long side until it landed on the crucifix's point. She then held its long end towards her and pressed the cold point gently to her heart. She listened to her heart beat rapidly. Was it excitement or fear, Tasha didn't really know. Grabbing both sides of the cross' crossbeam her hands closed into fists palms up. She took a deep breath, paused, and thought. “This is what it's like to be on the edge, it's not so bad. I'm not afraid. It's time, I know it is, I only wish I could have seen him one more time...” A tear rolled down her cheek and then with one movement she shoved the end of the crucifix into her until the crossbeam sat against her stomach. At first there was an agonizing pain and Tasha bit her tongue so she wouldn't scream. Then the world slowly faded from her view and things became very blurry. The flames around her burned down slowly and her heart stopped aching for the first time in a long time. She saw a bright light, gates, and a kind looking man and she smiled. The clock upstairs chimed midnight and Tasha sighed, closed her eyes, and passed peacefully with a smile on her face.
The next day Tasha's mother had come down to get her for her school lessons and smelled smoke. She quickly opened the door and this time she did faint. She came to and looked at the carnage before her.
The concrete floor was almost entirely blackened like it had burned. Smoke stains covered the beige walls and ceiling, and old bible pages were strewn everywhere. She started shaking uncontrollably when she saw her daughter lying on her bed in a pool of blood, words carved into her body and her husband's prized crucifix driven deep into her. But most disturbing of all was the smile on Tasha's face. This haunted her mother until the day she died at the age of sixty-seven.
The funeral was a bleak affair. Justin showed up but was asked to leave by Tasha's father, though it could be perceived as a horribly rude Justin did not listen and stayed regardless. Justin delivered a very sweet and loving eulogy. It had been six months since he had seen her, but he had talked to her on the night before she had impaled herself. She called him at 10:30 PM and had hung up at 11:38 PM. She told him of her plans and he begged her not to. But she told him it could not be undone. He had not slept that night. He tried calling her cell again and again after that but got no answer. Finally he gave up and when Tasha impaled herself he felt a horrible pain in his chest, and he wept the rest of the night. Now Justin looked at the closed casket with flowers on top and thought how unfair it was, she did not deserve this. An unhappy old pastor who had done more funerals than weddings delivered a message that was too long and dry. After the message, a black liquid started seeping out of Tasha's casket in thin strands. Justin noticed this and looked at it curiously but said nothing. Finally Tasha's mother shrieked when she saw the nasty liquid leaking out of their beloved daughter's casket. The casket then flew open the top was blown off like an explosion and they saw their daughters body glowing. Justin and Tasha's father ran to the casket and gasped. Tasha laid there in a white silky long gown she was not in when they had laid her there awhile ago. She looked like an angel her long brown hair had gone white and her hands had moved to her sides. The bouquet of lilies she was holding, had turned into a bunch of white roses with golden thorn-less stems. They filled up the casket and unable to help himself. Justin took one of them, and smelled it. It smelled of fading perfume, hot breath and sweat. A smell Justin had experienced with Tasha many times. Justin held it close to him. It stayed beautiful and unchanged until the die he died and was buried with it.
Justin looked at her with a mix of sadness and awe and quietly said “She's with him now, she made it, no more pain, no more sorrow, she's with him.” Justin's father was speechless. Suddenly the casket started to rise. The coffin glided through the air and came down again in the center of the room in the aisle. It settled down and somewhere in the distance Tasha's parents rushed to the coffin and stood there mouths open. Justin did not go over he felt a dark presence emulating from the casket, something was going to happen. And it wasn't going to be something good. Tasha's death had an odd power around it, it was not a natural death, nor even a normal suicide. Something about it was demonic, and it was almost like Tasha wanted it to be this way. Not because she was Satanic, maybe more because the other power had failed to save or even help her. So she turned to the only other power she could think of. This made Justin sad.
Outside it seemed to grow darker and an eerie quiet fell. Birds became silent and the wind died. Tasha's parents looked at their daughter and then her body stiffened into an upright arch and a horribly unnatural screaming noise came from her. At this everyone else decided there were better places to be and scattered like cockroaches. Eventually it was just Justin and Tasha's parents in the room. Tasha's clothing burst into flames. The flowers in the casket withered and died, and after a few seconds all that remained of them were ashes. The scars in Tasha's arms began to bleed again. But what frightened Tasha's mother most was there were two new scars. Two new words. The new scars scared her but all three words together made her blood turn cold. In a vibrant red the words “HELL AWAITS YOU” spoke to her in an unnatural way. Tasha's father screamed something about demons and angels and God, but Tasha's mother did not hear. She was consumed by this message and as much as she tried to deny it, in her heart she knew it was true, and this brought her fear beyond words.
The graveside was a very unhappy event. Rain poured down and thunder rumbled somewhere far away.
The same minister gave another boring message and Justin stood there without an umbrella his dark clothes sopping wet, but he did not care. He stood on the opposite side of the casket from Tasha's parents he did not want to be near them. Her father spoke briefly which Justin thought was odd, he spoke to Tasha.
“I love you my daughter, and I am sorry we could not save you from whatever devilish infliction that caused you to do what you did that night. We should have done more for you, read you more of the Bible, watched you closer, took you to see the minister more often. I am sorry. I do not think you meant to hurt us with what you did, I do not think you were in control of yourself so I forgive you daughter, I forgive you. May you rest in peace.”
Justin felt a red hot anger building inside of him then Tasha's mother spoke.
“Tasha my child, my only child, God blessed me when he gave me you. And I forgive you as well, you did not know what you were doing. I will miss you very much.”
Justin stood there, the rain pouring, the thunder closer now, seething. Forgive her? Forgive her? Well I know that your daughter never forgave you. After the graveside Josh stood in silence, until Tasha's mother and father came over to him. They looked at him kindly for probably the first time but Justin was not fooled they had an agenda. Those kind of people always do. Tasha’s father spoke first.
“I am sorry for your loss Justin. I know you will miss her, would you like to go to lunch with us? We have been here quite awhile and I am a bit hungry.” Justin looked at Tasha's father with anger in his eyes, hungry? He was hungry? Then Tasha's mother spoke.
“We know you truly loved our daughter and we are sorry things had to go this way. I imagine you know much we do not about what happened, she talked to you before she... died. It would mean a lot to me if you could tell us more about what happened.”
Justin took a deep breath and let it out.
“I will tell you why she did it. It was you, it was you who caused her to write Hell on her arms. Your radical convictions drove her mad. It made her want death, it made her appeal to a darker power than you or I can ever understand. That night she told me so much that broke my heart. She was more special than you will ever know and you killed her. And you want me to tell you the sweet intimate things she told me. You must be dreaming.” Justin walked away and stood looking at the headstone. Tasha's parents didn't follow.
Tasha S. Smith
3/5/89-6/6/06
“She Loved Life”
Justin looked back at Tasha's parents “By the way your epitaph is bullshit.” Justin kept walking. Tasha's parents went back to her grave next week and much to their horror. They saw that the zero in the date she died had disappeared and her headstone read: 3/5/89-6/6/6 They walked away convinced demons killed their baby. Maybe that was real tragedy in this whole mess.