Lullabies

I dug my hands in the pocket of my coat as the wind blew harder against me. I trudged my way forward trying to ignore the cold air whipping against my face. But I just kept going. I walked into the flower shop and sighed in relief of being out of the cold- even if it was just for a few short moments.

I can’t believe it’s been one year. I started to think back as I bought Alex’s favorite flowers and smiled because I knew how happy it would make him. I braced myself for the cold and walked out of the flower shop, daisy’s in hand and made my way toward my destination. Walking there I started to think- and remember. Remember just one year earlier.

One Year Ago

“Jaaaaaaaackkkkkyyyyy come play with meeeeee,” Alex whined from the other room. I rolled my eyes and laughed. I looked at Alex sitting there with cards spread in front of him as he desperately tried to play solitaire.

“No, every time I play cards with you, you accuse me of cheating!” I laughed, turning my attention back to my laptop, which was currently playing my favorite movie- Home Alone.

“But Jacccckkkkyyyy it’s boring alone!!!!” Alex whined again crawling up on the couch next to me. “Besides, you have seen this movie a bajillion times and if you keep using up all the battery in the laptop we will have no electronics left!” I sighed realizing he was right and turned the laptop off and set it down on the table. I hate blackouts there’s nothing to do. I pouted and looked at Alex.

“What do we do now?” I asked. It was Alex’s turn to laugh at me as he crawled back onto the floor and started to pick up the cards.

“Play with me?” He asked. I nodded and made my way down to him. We agreed on playing war, because that’s the least boring card game.

We sat there playing for what felt like hours, but was only just thirty minutes. Alex was mad because I won, yet again, and was accusing me of cheating. “Just face it Alex- I won fair and square! Now where’s my prize?” I smirked at him seductively. He smiled at me.

“Why don’t you look in the bedroom?” He winked and darted up, sprinting to the bedroom. I laughed and followed him. He already had his shirt off and was lying on the bed, trying to look seductive, but it just made me laugh hysterically. I walked over and crawled on top of him and looked down at him. He smiled at me and wrapped his arms around my neck to pull me in. I didn’t protest as he did so, and I kissed him sweetly at first, but then it got more passionate. He slid his tongue in my mouth and I immediately tried to fight for dominance, knowing it was useless. He won as usual and flipped me over so I was on the bottom. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he started to bite and suck on my neck. I moaned out in pleasure, to which I felt him smile against my neck as he continued. Once he was satisfied with the bruises left on my neck, covering up the old ones made from him, he tugged at my shirt to take it off. I lifted myself up so he could do so, and he practically ripped my shirt off of me. He started to make his way down my stomach, placing sweet, but sloppy kisses as he did so. He made his way to the hem of my jeans and I moaned out in pleasure again. He laughed and went up to my face to give me a quick kiss on the lips, before going back down. He took my jeans off, then his own, so we were both left in just our underwear. He began to take off the only fabric left between us as I moaned out, begging him to continue... which he did...

After what was probably the best sex of my life (but that’s not saying much, since I always feel that way with him) we just laid there, tangled up in each other, listening to the sounds of the growing storm outside. As I laid there I wondered how the storm could be getting worse, when it’s already caused the electricity to go off. How bad was this storm? I was deep in thought about this when out of nowhere Alex says, “I love you, Jack. You know that right? That I love you? And that I always will, no matter what happens?” I got so many butterflies erupting in my stomach I thought it was going to explode.

“I know Lex,” I said as I turned to face him. “And you know that I love you too, right? I have never cared so much about anything or anyone in my entire life, sweetheart. You are my entire life.” He smiled and pounced on me, planting a gentle, sweet but also wild and romantic kiss to my lips. I kissed the boy that I loved until we both couldn’t breathe anymore and were forced to separate. We smiled at each other and I was just about to kiss him again when all of a sudden we were in complete darkness. “What the-” I began to say but Alex interrupted me.

“The last candle went out... I think we need to get more,” He said. “I’ll grab my clothes and run to the store real quick.” I pulled him back down when he tried to get up.

“Uh- no way am I letting you go out in this storm!” I said.

“Well, we can’t just sit here in utter darkness... it’s scary...” He said. I kissed him again because of how cute he was.

“Well, we’ll just ask the neighbors if they have any spare candles!” I suggested. He nodded in agreement and jumped up to get dressed.

After knocking on every door in our apartment building we got a total of one, small candle. Most of the people weren’t home- deciding to leave the city for the storm- and the people who decided to stay were too greedy to let us borrow any of their precious candles. Greedy, and most of them were homophobic pricks that hated me and Alex because we were together. It got me mad, but I had to stay calm, because Alex was pacing back and forth our apartment trying to figure out what to do. “Just let me go to the store Jack I’ll only be a few minutes...” He said. I shook my head no. No way was i letting him out there in that storm.

“No. Besides, what store is open in this kind of weather?” I asked.

“Stop n Shop! It’s always open during storms like this and it’s only a couple blocks away! Please Jack, I don’t wanna be in this apartment when it’s this dark...”

“And what if they don’t have candles? They’re probably all out...” I reasoned.

“Then I’ll come back and we’ll figure out our next move from there! The least we could do is try... please baby...” He pouted and he knew as soon as he did so he won the argument.

“Fine, but I’m coming with you.” I told him, getting up to put my jacket on. “And don’t try to argue with me,” I added once I saw his mouth open in protest. He closed it and got his jacket on. We walked out the door and he took my hand in his, intertwining our fingers. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze, which he reciprocated. We got to the car and since I sucked at driving, Alex got into the driver’s seat. He usually never let me drive, especially during a storm like this. As soon as we were on the streets, I saw the real destruction of the storm. There was wires all over the streets that were knocked down by winds. There was not a single car in sight, which was good because all the traffic lights were broken. We were almost to the store when we approached, yet another, broken traffic light and Alex came to a stop.

“Lexy come on there are no cars on the road! There’s no need to stop at every intersection!” I complained.

“I’d rather be safe than sorry,” he told me as he slowly started to move. I looked over at Alex, leaning forward in his seat in an attempt to see through all the rain. Because he was leaned forward I was able to see it. I was able to see the car speeding towards us, without any indication that it was going to slow down in the least.

“ALE-” I tried to scream but it was too late, the car had already smashed into our car.

I woke up in the hospital, on a stretcher with doctors surrounding me, yelling out things I didn’t understand. I felt immense pain all over, but I could care less about any of that. I just wanted to see my Alex.

“Alex? Where’s Alex?” I tried to screamed out, but it only came out as a choked whisper.

“Shhhh, shhhh, don’t try to talk, you have a piece of glass lodged in your throat, so don’t try to speak,” one of the doctors informed me. My eyes widened and stupidly I tried to look down at it, but that only caused a shooting pain to make it’s way from my neck to my whole body. I tried to scream out in pain but I couldn’t. I think that’s when one of the medical staff surrounding me, put my under anesthetics.

Later, I woke up in a hospital bed, the only sound around my coming from a monitor that was beeping next to my bed. I looked around to see my parents and my friends Rian, Zack, and Matt sitting around my bed. Again, I woke up immediately wanting to see my baby. “Alex? Where’s Alex?” I tried to choke out, yet again. This time my choked whisper was actually heard and understood as they all stood up and looked at me.

“Jack baby, you’re awake!” My mom exclaimed. She had tears in her eyes, that were gently starting to make their way down her cheek.

“Where’s Alex?” I asked again unconcerned about myself.

“He’s still in surgery, we don’t know anything yet...” Matt answered.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You got hit by a car speeding down the road... The driver didn’t see you and hit Alex’s side of the car. The driver wasn’t hurt and called 911 for you two.” Rian told me.

“I want Alex!” I cried. I didn’t care if he was in surgery or not I wanted to know the love of my life was okay.

“I know baby, but you can’t have him right now...” My mom told me. As if on cue, a doctor came in.

“Are you with Alexander Gaskarth?” He asked.

“Yes! Is he okay? Can I see him?” I choked out.

“I’m sorry, but his injuries were too severe, we couldn’t save him,” The doctor informed us. I started to sob.

“N-no no no no no NO NO!!!!!!! You’re lying!!! Why are you lying?” I sobbed, getting angry.

“I’m sorry sir, we did the best we could...” He told me.

“Sorry? You’re sorry? Well that makes everything better that you’re sorry!” I tried to yell, but it was only a tad above the whisper I was using before.

“Jack! Don’t snap at the doctor, he tried to save him!” My mom scolded me.

“Well he didn’t do a very good job now did he?” I yelled. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Matt standing there with a tear stained face.

“Yelling isn’t gonna bring him back Jack. He’s gone...” He told me. I realized he was right. My baby was gone. I was never going to see him again: I was never going to hear his laugh or see his smile; I was never going to see his face light up when I walked through the door or see his bed head when he woke up in the morning; I was never going to hear him sing again or hear his really sexy voice after just waking up; and most importantly, I was never going to hear him utter the words ‘I love you’ or see the look of pure joy and love in his eyes when I told him back.

“Can I see him? Please?” I asked. The doctor nodded.

“Of course,” he answered. He helped me into the room where Alex was, before they transferred his body into the morgue. There was a sheet covering his body that was stained with blood. I let out a sob when I saw this.

“Are you sure you wanna go through with this, Jack? You can see him at the wake all cleaned up...” Matt said, but I ignored him.

“You ready?” The doctor asked and I nodded. He lifted the sheet off his face and I finally got what I wanted. I finally got to see my baby. With the help of Zack, I walked over to him and rested my hand on his cheek. I pressed our foreheads together and cried and cried and cried for what seemed like hours.

“I love you, Alex. I’ll love you forever, no matter what happens I promise. I love you.” I told him and I kissed his forehead, before the doctor pulled the blanket back over his face.

Present Day

I tried not to think of that day when I thought of Alex. That was the worst day of my life, because that’s when Alex left me. But thinking back on it, it was a really good day. And that’s not the day Alex left me, because Alex never left me. He’s with me all the time.

I kneeled down and put the flowers on Alex’s grave resting against his tombstone. It read: In loving memory of Alexander William Gaskarth. Loving son, friend and partner. Even though there were tears running down my scarred face, I smiled, knowing how happy he probably is right now. He always loved daisy’s.

“I love you Alex,” I whispered.