I Will Never Be Okay

Louis let his eyes close and took a deep breath as he and other boys joined hands, just as they did before every show. He tried to concentrate on anything besides the fact that their circle was one person smaller, and assumed that's what the other boys were doing as well.

"Guys, we can't just go onstage without saying anything about him," Liam said, his voice soft and low. "This is going to be our first show without Harry, and I think we all know it's not going to be easy. We have to make him proud. He'll be with us the whole time."

Louis nearly choked right then as he tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. For months, he'd been avoiding the fact that Harry was gone, and he hadn't let himself cry about it once. Not when he'd received the phone call, not when he saw Harry's destroyed vehicle, not even when he'd sat in the front row at the funeral. It was almost like he was pretending that Harry was still around, and now he was having to face the truth.

He knew that the show was going to be starting in just a matter of minutes, but something in his mind was telling him that he just couldn't do it. He'd never performed without Harry by his side before. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up to find Liam staring back at him. Liam had basically been the glue of the group recently, determined to hold the four boys together no matter what it took.

"It's okay to be sad, Lou," Liam said, his voice barely above a whisper. "We all understand how hard this is for you."

Louis just shrugged away from Liam's hand as he heard the music begin from the stage. Liam had said these words plenty of times, and Louis ignore them every time because they simply weren't true. None of them understood the pain that Louis felt, because none of them had been through what he and Harry had been through together. Nothing could ever make them understand.

He felt like he was glued to the spot where he was standing, and was convinced he couldn't make himself go out onto the stage when he felt Liam's hands on his hips, pushing him out under the lights.

Louis was surprised at how smoothly the first few songs went, and was oddly relieved when he found that singing the band's familiar songs distracted him from his emotions. However, the new feeling was taken away when he saw the stools being brought out for Little Things, the song that Louis had grown to loathe.

It wasn't the actual song that drove him mad, but the memories that came along with it. Every time someone so much as said the title, he remembered how it had been Harry's favorite song on the album. He remembered how Harry would stare across the stage at him every time they performed it. He remembered how Harry would whisper the lyrics to him before they'd even recorded the track.

He really wasn't sure how it was going to be possible to perform the song without Harry. Liam was going to be doing Harry's solo, but it would never be the same. The words didn't have the same meaning to everyone else as they did to Louis and Harry.

The song began, and Louis couldn't force himself to look anywhere but down at the stage. He knew they'd brought Harry's stool out, and he wasn't sure if he could hold it together if he looked up and saw it empty. He'd held back his tears for so long, and he wasn't about to fall apart in the middle of the show.

His solo neared faster than he expected, and he felt his stomach drop as he lifted his microphone to his lips. However, even though the words were right on his tongue, no sound was coming from his mouth. He could feel the eyes of his bandmates all over him, but he refused to make eye contact.

With his hands shaking, he stood from his stool and began walking to the edge of the stage, barely even noticing when the instruments behind him stopped. The arena became deadly silent, and it was almost a bit scary. Never once had Louis been in front of a crowd that had been completely quiet.

"I think I have something I need to say," Louis said, his voice quivering and hand shaking so much he was afraid he would drop the microphone. "This whole night is painful, because it's the first time we've ever been onstage without Harry. For me, it's especially hard because Harry was very special to me. You see, there's something I've never been quite honest about."

He heard someone hiss his name from backstage, but he ignored it. "Harry and I were together. Most of you assumed, and some of you believed in us with all of your heart. But this isn't about who was right and who was wrong. This is about me and Harry, and how much we wanted to tell you about us."

Soft whispers began filling the room, and Louis could see many tears and confused expressions from where he was standing.

"It hurts," Louis said, his eyes lowering to the floor. "It's hurts to know that Harry and I never got to walk down the street hand in hand. We never got to kiss in front of anyone, to really show the world how much we loved each other. I should've done this a long time ago. Harry begged me every day to go against everything we'd been told and reveal the truth about us, but I was too afraid, and I will live the rest of my life regretting that. I thought I was protecting him and what we had, but I realize now that I was just hurting him.

"Weirdest thing is, since he's been gone, I haven't shed a single tear. I think this was mostly because I'm angry, not only at myself, but at Harry. He wasn't supposed to leave me, he swore he never would. But here we are, and he's gone. I know it sounds crazy, because I know this wasn't what he'd planned, but I just can't help it. It just wasn't supposed to be like this!"

Louis knew that at this point, he was just rambling, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "I want you all to know that I will never love anyone the way I loved Harry. He was my best friend, and we were fortunate enough to share the most amazing love I've ever experienced. I sincerely hope that each person in this room finds someone that will be to them what Harry was to me.

"And I also want you to know that, even though I don't know what the future holds, I don't intend to fall in love with anyone else. I don't even know if I could fall in love with anyone else. Harry was my soul mate, and having your soul mate ripped away from you is a pain that no words can describe. Everyone keeps telling me 'everything's okay' or 'it's okay to be upset,' but you know what? It's not okay. It's not okay that the one person I needed is gone, and it never will be. Just close your eyes for a minute and picture yourself in a dark room with the oxygen being sucked out. Can you picture it? Well, that's how I feel without Harry."

With that, Louis turned back to Niall, Zayn, and Liam, who were wearing shocked expressions and had tears rolling down their cheeks. Louis looked at Liam and faked a smile.

"Finish the song for me, yeah?" He set his microphone down and slowly walk offstage, instantly feeling dizzy when he was away from everyone's stares.

He dropped to his knees, placed his face in his hands, and began to cry.