Status: Unfinished and won't be updated.
Time After Time
Eighteenth
Summer slowly crept in. Some days were extremely hot that Gustav and Rose almost always went to the beach or swimming pool straight after they knew how hot the temperature was and some days were gloomy enough that they asked each other whether it was really summer in that small town. They still talked about little things but Gustav slowly moved toward talking bigger things. He talked about his days back in the university, he talked about the time when he was a kid and he talked about interesting things that happened when he was touring with the rest of Young Guns.
Rose felt that the time when the big things would finally become something that they must talk about was almost come.
One hot day, Gustav said he wanted an apple pie. Rose said she could make it if they go shopping for the ingredients. On the way, while Rose was driving and they both moaning about how hot it was outside even though they put the air conditioner on, they also decided that they will buy tons of ice cream.
They were both distracted by the fact that the supermarket was extremely full by people who were either just want to be somewhere cool or they actually wanted to buy something. When they both got back in the car, Rose exclaimed, "Wait! We forgot the ice cream…"
Gustav and Rose stared at each other, sweating and groaning.
"I'll go back and buy some now."
"Let's go back together," said Rose.
"No. Stay here. Let me do you a favor. You're the one who drive after all."
Rose nodded and he watched his back disappearing into sea of sweating people in the supermarket. She sat on the car, complaining, before she looked at Lestat who looked as he was about to die by heat. "Don't worry, Les. We'll be home soon. Very soon… after Gustav got the ice cream…"
She put her forehead on the steering wheel and inhaled when she heard a ring.
Not her phone, but Gustav's. He left it on the seat. Maybe incidentally. Maybe not.
Rose stared at the screen. "Blocked" the screen said. She was thinking as fast she can. Who might be calling him? The people who would know his numbers here would be just her, Gabriella and maybe Gabriella's boyfriend. None of them seem to have reason to call him and hide their number. Maybe it was from overseas? She remembered sometimes her international friend received call with their family somewhere in Japan or New Zealand and it didn't say number, only "Blocked".
Whatever that was, it might be important.
So she picked it up.
As soon as she picked it up, someone was talking on the other side. It was a man, talking with fast speed and his voice sounded strangely familiar.
"Gus! Thank God you picked up the phone. Look, I know I'm not supposed to do this but—"
"Oh! Sorry, this isn't Gustav Wood. He's currently not available right now. Who am I speaking with? I can tell him later that you called."
"Oh…" there was disappointment in his voice. "Shit. I finally get to reach him and he's not available. Of course he's not. Sorry. I'm Ben, by the way."
Rose startled, "Ben…?"
"Yeah, this is Ben. Just let Gus know—"
"Ben Jolliffe?"
"Yes. This is Ben Jolliffe. Who's this? Where's he? Will he going back soon?"
"I… I don't know. It might take awhile until he comes back." The queue on the supermarket must be crazy right now. "I'm Rose. I'm Gustav's… uh… neighbor." She was trying to find the best way to keep talking to Ben somehow. He was calling him. Finally, one of the other member of Young Guns called him.
"Alright, I'll just call him back later. Maybe you better not tell him that I called…"
"Wait! Ben!"
"… yeah?"
"Why didn't you call him before or anything? Email, maybe? Anything at all? Just a little contact?" Rose suddenly felt emotions burst from inside her. "Just… something? Gustav missed you and the rest of Young Guns a lot, you know. He… he didn't say that but… but of course one can tell… he's… so alone… and so sad…"
There was a long pause as Rose could hear that Ben was trying to say something.
"Rose," he said, he sounded confused. "Gus told us not to contact him."
"… w-what?"
"He told us not to contact him anymore when he left. He told everyone not to, even his family. He was very angry and very disappointed and I know that because I think he's the person who work the hardest and everything. What happened is we respect him and his choice, so we don't try anything… well I didn't try anything, not until now. He's… he's my best friend, you know?" there was a real guilt in Ben's voice. "I just want to know whether he's alright… just a little news, I hope he's not going to be angry at me for calling him now…"
Rose knew she was about to cry.
He exiled himself. He even forbid his family and his friends to contact him. At all.
"I… I don't know. I'm… I feel like I wanna blame something, someone, but I can't… I wanted to blame you for leaving him alone so long… so very long…" she swept her falling tears as fast as possible. "But he also told you to leaving him alone. And he's your best friend… your very best friend… and you guys have been together for so long…"
"I know. I know this doesn't feel right, that's why I've been trying to call him for a while now…"
"… can I talk to him first about this before I let him know that you called?"
Ben answered straight away, "Sure. I kind of feel like you have to."
Rose didn't understand, "Why did you say that?"
"Because I think you know Gus better now when I heard the way you talked about him."
He told her his number before he hang up and Rose put the phone back in the seat, praying to God that Gustav wouldn't check the recent call. Not until she talked to him. She saw him walking back to the car with and she quickly put a wide smile.
"What flavor did you get?" she asked instantly when he hopped in the car with two big boxes of ice cream.
"Vanilla and chocolate. Only those two were left in store."
"Alright, let's go home and go into some kind of eating spree now."
***
They went back to Rose's house.
Rose cut her left ring finger when she was cutting the apple for apple pie because she was thinking about Ben's call. Gustav was the one who freaked out while Rose was feeling guilty because she didn't tell him straight away about the call. He calmed down after he put band aid to Rose's finger and all they was focus about was ice cream and apple pie until the dinner time was over.
Lestat was lying in front of fan, sleeping happily because he didn't need to feel terribly hot again. Gustav and Rose was sitting on the floor, near Lestat, sighing and talking about stupid things like, 'I hate summer on times like this. Like… you can even get naked and you're still overheated. If it's cold, at least you can put five jackets on your body or something. Yeah, maybe we should get naked.' But in the end, they were too lazy to do anything. It was really really hot.
Slowly after that, Gustav rested his head on Rose's lap and they were talking, barely talking and almost whispering, actually, about things. And then Rose said slowly as she stroked Gustav's hair and he was closing his eyes.
"Gustav, there was someone call you this afternoon."
"Huh? Was it Gabriella?"
"No," Rose stroked his hair softly, running her fingers between it. She was so afraid that everything was going to fall apart after he told him how did she feel about what happened. "It… it was Ben."
She could feel his body tensed instantly.
"Huh. So he called me. So what? Thank God I wasn't there. He shouldn't call me."
Rose stared at him. Gustav didn't stare at her and he sounded as cold as Gustav that just moved in front of her house; the cold, distant Gustav. She still stroked his hair, even though her hand was shuddering.
"Ben cares about you, Gustav. So does everyone else you left behind. He told me… he told me that you told them to not contacting him at all."
"I sure did," he scoffed angrily.
"Why did you do that?"
"Rose, I don't think I want to talk about this. I don't think I would ever want to talk about this."
"Gustav…"
"Stop it!" Gustav snapped. He sat and stared at Rose. There was something scary on his stare. "I said stop… stop!" he was obviously annoyed because Rose was still staring at him as if she wasn't afraid. "Don't you give me that look…" He stood up uncomfortably. "Rose, I warn you. JUST STOP IT!" he growled angrily at Rose, who finally stood up as well.
Rose stared at him. She was so scared but she was so angry at him as well.
"STOP RUNNING AWAY!" she shouted back, but her voice was weak.
Gustav was trembling in anger, but she could see it somehow that he was just scared. Everything was about to flood up now. "RUNNING WHAT? I'M DOING WHAT I FUCKING WANT. THIS IS MY LIFE!"
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DID YOU SENT THEM AWAY FROM YOU!?" she couldn't help but shouting louder. Rose shuddered, maybe because of the anger or maybe because she felt too much emotion at that moment.
"You don't understand!" Gustav shouted back, even though he didn't shout as loud as Rose and she could see him somehow less angrier. Maybe he felt guilty. But anger slowly took over him again, "YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!"
That anger was clear, unmistakable and brightly displayed on his face. He must be so angry that even Rose felt sad and afraid to face an angry Gustav Wood for the first time. But it wasn't like she wasn't angry at him as well.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING SHOUT AT ME LIKE YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME! YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG! YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT," he screamed into her face.
"ABOUT WHAT?!" she shouted back anyway, while her body was trembling by emotions. "YOU'RE AFRAID OF HURTING YOURSELF BY HURTING OTHER! BUT WE ALL DO! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US DO BECAUSE WE KNOW WHAT HURTS THE MOST IS WHEN YOU HURT SOMEONE ELSE!!" She gasped between her cry, "Aren't they your best friend? Isn't everyone you left behind is on your side? But why in the end you just want to do everything on your own!? YOU CAN'T STAND WATCHING THEM GETTING HURT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SING ANYMORE!" Rose was shouting while tears flowing down to her cheeks.
"ISN'T THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS?" he growled angrily in return. "ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS THAT I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM GET FUCKING HURT BECAUSE OF ME?"
When Gustav stepped forward in anger, Rose crossed her upper arms in front of her head, as if she was afraid Gustav would hurt her. He was so angry and he looked really scary for Rose.
"N-NO! YOU'RE WRONG! … you're wrong," she sobbed, but she stared at him. "You make excuses for yourself that way. In the end, you can't see them… you are unable to accept them as your friends. Why do you think you can do everything on your own, Gustav? Why do you think you should be the one who is holding the burden?" She murmured before she shouted again, "COULDN'T YOU HAVE AT LEAST ENOUGH CAPACITY TO RESPOND TO THE TRUST YOU RECEIVED WITH TRUST AS WELL?!"
His expression suddenly darkened.
He shouted angrily, "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME!"
Rose pulled her arms down from her head as if she didn't afraid of Gustav anymore even though he was still completely angry, but she was still crying.
"HAVE YOU EVER THINK TO NOT HURTING SOMEONE BY TRUST THEM AND WALK TOGETHER FORWARD WITH THEM?"
She shouted, shuddered, cried.
"Don't think that those who have stepped out will be able remain unscathed, alright? Don't try to make things look pretty… this life is not perfect. You'll hurt others and yourself at the same time… but become someone who continues to move on ahead even when smeared with mud… ISN'T THAT HOW HUMAN SHOULD BE?"
"You…" Gustav moved forward and Rose closed her eyes. "Then why did you waste your fucking precious time on a fucking coward like me, huh?" she could hear every single of his syllable was trembling in anger. He was close. So she closed her eyes.
She was so scared, but nothing happened to her. When she opened her eyes, Gustav had gone. She could hear the sound of his footsteps leaving her house. She fell to the floor, her legs were trembling, but then she cried in relieved.
It has to be done, Rose, she told herself. Otherwise, he will keep running away and he will keep hurting other and himself at the same time.
She cried helplessly as she was thinking about his expression. He was hurt and but she felt like she needed to let him know, because she loved him. She loved him so much and even though they never tell each other orally, she knew that he loved her as well. There was nothing that she wanted right know more than running to his house and hug him and tell him that she's sorry and they can forget about it. It has to be done. She had to hurt him so she wouldn't hurt himself by hurting everyone else again.
But she was so scared.
What if he never comes back? What if he left her because she didn't allow him to keep running way? Rose could see Gustav in her head. She could even feel him, the warmth of his smile, his expression when she sometimes jokingly put Vegemite to his sandwich or when they came across some kangaroos somewhere down under…
She loved him. So much.
That was why she was crying until she fell asleep that night.
Their angry-shouting conversation is loosely based on a conversation between Negi Springfield and Evangeline McDowell in Akamatsu, K 2006, "Mature Discussion of Combat (オトナ格闘相談室 "Otona Kakutō Sōdanshitsu")" in Negima! Magister Negi Magi, Shonen Magazine, [AQS] Fansubs, Chapter 137, pp. 13-17.
Rose felt that the time when the big things would finally become something that they must talk about was almost come.
One hot day, Gustav said he wanted an apple pie. Rose said she could make it if they go shopping for the ingredients. On the way, while Rose was driving and they both moaning about how hot it was outside even though they put the air conditioner on, they also decided that they will buy tons of ice cream.
They were both distracted by the fact that the supermarket was extremely full by people who were either just want to be somewhere cool or they actually wanted to buy something. When they both got back in the car, Rose exclaimed, "Wait! We forgot the ice cream…"
Gustav and Rose stared at each other, sweating and groaning.
"I'll go back and buy some now."
"Let's go back together," said Rose.
"No. Stay here. Let me do you a favor. You're the one who drive after all."
Rose nodded and he watched his back disappearing into sea of sweating people in the supermarket. She sat on the car, complaining, before she looked at Lestat who looked as he was about to die by heat. "Don't worry, Les. We'll be home soon. Very soon… after Gustav got the ice cream…"
She put her forehead on the steering wheel and inhaled when she heard a ring.
Not her phone, but Gustav's. He left it on the seat. Maybe incidentally. Maybe not.
Rose stared at the screen. "Blocked" the screen said. She was thinking as fast she can. Who might be calling him? The people who would know his numbers here would be just her, Gabriella and maybe Gabriella's boyfriend. None of them seem to have reason to call him and hide their number. Maybe it was from overseas? She remembered sometimes her international friend received call with their family somewhere in Japan or New Zealand and it didn't say number, only "Blocked".
Whatever that was, it might be important.
So she picked it up.
As soon as she picked it up, someone was talking on the other side. It was a man, talking with fast speed and his voice sounded strangely familiar.
"Gus! Thank God you picked up the phone. Look, I know I'm not supposed to do this but—"
"Oh! Sorry, this isn't Gustav Wood. He's currently not available right now. Who am I speaking with? I can tell him later that you called."
"Oh…" there was disappointment in his voice. "Shit. I finally get to reach him and he's not available. Of course he's not. Sorry. I'm Ben, by the way."
Rose startled, "Ben…?"
"Yeah, this is Ben. Just let Gus know—"
"Ben Jolliffe?"
"Yes. This is Ben Jolliffe. Who's this? Where's he? Will he going back soon?"
"I… I don't know. It might take awhile until he comes back." The queue on the supermarket must be crazy right now. "I'm Rose. I'm Gustav's… uh… neighbor." She was trying to find the best way to keep talking to Ben somehow. He was calling him. Finally, one of the other member of Young Guns called him.
"Alright, I'll just call him back later. Maybe you better not tell him that I called…"
"Wait! Ben!"
"… yeah?"
"Why didn't you call him before or anything? Email, maybe? Anything at all? Just a little contact?" Rose suddenly felt emotions burst from inside her. "Just… something? Gustav missed you and the rest of Young Guns a lot, you know. He… he didn't say that but… but of course one can tell… he's… so alone… and so sad…"
There was a long pause as Rose could hear that Ben was trying to say something.
"Rose," he said, he sounded confused. "Gus told us not to contact him."
"… w-what?"
"He told us not to contact him anymore when he left. He told everyone not to, even his family. He was very angry and very disappointed and I know that because I think he's the person who work the hardest and everything. What happened is we respect him and his choice, so we don't try anything… well I didn't try anything, not until now. He's… he's my best friend, you know?" there was a real guilt in Ben's voice. "I just want to know whether he's alright… just a little news, I hope he's not going to be angry at me for calling him now…"
Rose knew she was about to cry.
He exiled himself. He even forbid his family and his friends to contact him. At all.
"I… I don't know. I'm… I feel like I wanna blame something, someone, but I can't… I wanted to blame you for leaving him alone so long… so very long…" she swept her falling tears as fast as possible. "But he also told you to leaving him alone. And he's your best friend… your very best friend… and you guys have been together for so long…"
"I know. I know this doesn't feel right, that's why I've been trying to call him for a while now…"
"… can I talk to him first about this before I let him know that you called?"
Ben answered straight away, "Sure. I kind of feel like you have to."
Rose didn't understand, "Why did you say that?"
"Because I think you know Gus better now when I heard the way you talked about him."
He told her his number before he hang up and Rose put the phone back in the seat, praying to God that Gustav wouldn't check the recent call. Not until she talked to him. She saw him walking back to the car with and she quickly put a wide smile.
"What flavor did you get?" she asked instantly when he hopped in the car with two big boxes of ice cream.
"Vanilla and chocolate. Only those two were left in store."
"Alright, let's go home and go into some kind of eating spree now."
They went back to Rose's house.
Rose cut her left ring finger when she was cutting the apple for apple pie because she was thinking about Ben's call. Gustav was the one who freaked out while Rose was feeling guilty because she didn't tell him straight away about the call. He calmed down after he put band aid to Rose's finger and all they was focus about was ice cream and apple pie until the dinner time was over.
Lestat was lying in front of fan, sleeping happily because he didn't need to feel terribly hot again. Gustav and Rose was sitting on the floor, near Lestat, sighing and talking about stupid things like, 'I hate summer on times like this. Like… you can even get naked and you're still overheated. If it's cold, at least you can put five jackets on your body or something. Yeah, maybe we should get naked.' But in the end, they were too lazy to do anything. It was really really hot.
Slowly after that, Gustav rested his head on Rose's lap and they were talking, barely talking and almost whispering, actually, about things. And then Rose said slowly as she stroked Gustav's hair and he was closing his eyes.
"Gustav, there was someone call you this afternoon."
"Huh? Was it Gabriella?"
"No," Rose stroked his hair softly, running her fingers between it. She was so afraid that everything was going to fall apart after he told him how did she feel about what happened. "It… it was Ben."
She could feel his body tensed instantly.
"Huh. So he called me. So what? Thank God I wasn't there. He shouldn't call me."
Rose stared at him. Gustav didn't stare at her and he sounded as cold as Gustav that just moved in front of her house; the cold, distant Gustav. She still stroked his hair, even though her hand was shuddering.
"Ben cares about you, Gustav. So does everyone else you left behind. He told me… he told me that you told them to not contacting him at all."
"I sure did," he scoffed angrily.
"Why did you do that?"
"Rose, I don't think I want to talk about this. I don't think I would ever want to talk about this."
"Gustav…"
"Stop it!" Gustav snapped. He sat and stared at Rose. There was something scary on his stare. "I said stop… stop!" he was obviously annoyed because Rose was still staring at him as if she wasn't afraid. "Don't you give me that look…" He stood up uncomfortably. "Rose, I warn you. JUST STOP IT!" he growled angrily at Rose, who finally stood up as well.
Rose stared at him. She was so scared but she was so angry at him as well.
"STOP RUNNING AWAY!" she shouted back, but her voice was weak.
Gustav was trembling in anger, but she could see it somehow that he was just scared. Everything was about to flood up now. "RUNNING WHAT? I'M DOING WHAT I FUCKING WANT. THIS IS MY LIFE!"
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DID YOU SENT THEM AWAY FROM YOU!?" she couldn't help but shouting louder. Rose shuddered, maybe because of the anger or maybe because she felt too much emotion at that moment.
"You don't understand!" Gustav shouted back, even though he didn't shout as loud as Rose and she could see him somehow less angrier. Maybe he felt guilty. But anger slowly took over him again, "YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!"
That anger was clear, unmistakable and brightly displayed on his face. He must be so angry that even Rose felt sad and afraid to face an angry Gustav Wood for the first time. But it wasn't like she wasn't angry at him as well.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING SHOUT AT ME LIKE YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME! YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG! YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT," he screamed into her face.
"ABOUT WHAT?!" she shouted back anyway, while her body was trembling by emotions. "YOU'RE AFRAID OF HURTING YOURSELF BY HURTING OTHER! BUT WE ALL DO! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US DO BECAUSE WE KNOW WHAT HURTS THE MOST IS WHEN YOU HURT SOMEONE ELSE!!" She gasped between her cry, "Aren't they your best friend? Isn't everyone you left behind is on your side? But why in the end you just want to do everything on your own!? YOU CAN'T STAND WATCHING THEM GETTING HURT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SING ANYMORE!" Rose was shouting while tears flowing down to her cheeks.
"ISN'T THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS?" he growled angrily in return. "ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS THAT I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM GET FUCKING HURT BECAUSE OF ME?"
When Gustav stepped forward in anger, Rose crossed her upper arms in front of her head, as if she was afraid Gustav would hurt her. He was so angry and he looked really scary for Rose.
"N-NO! YOU'RE WRONG! … you're wrong," she sobbed, but she stared at him. "You make excuses for yourself that way. In the end, you can't see them… you are unable to accept them as your friends. Why do you think you can do everything on your own, Gustav? Why do you think you should be the one who is holding the burden?" She murmured before she shouted again, "COULDN'T YOU HAVE AT LEAST ENOUGH CAPACITY TO RESPOND TO THE TRUST YOU RECEIVED WITH TRUST AS WELL?!"
His expression suddenly darkened.
He shouted angrily, "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME!"
Rose pulled her arms down from her head as if she didn't afraid of Gustav anymore even though he was still completely angry, but she was still crying.
"HAVE YOU EVER THINK TO NOT HURTING SOMEONE BY TRUST THEM AND WALK TOGETHER FORWARD WITH THEM?"
She shouted, shuddered, cried.
"Don't think that those who have stepped out will be able remain unscathed, alright? Don't try to make things look pretty… this life is not perfect. You'll hurt others and yourself at the same time… but become someone who continues to move on ahead even when smeared with mud… ISN'T THAT HOW HUMAN SHOULD BE?"
"You…" Gustav moved forward and Rose closed her eyes. "Then why did you waste your fucking precious time on a fucking coward like me, huh?" she could hear every single of his syllable was trembling in anger. He was close. So she closed her eyes.
She was so scared, but nothing happened to her. When she opened her eyes, Gustav had gone. She could hear the sound of his footsteps leaving her house. She fell to the floor, her legs were trembling, but then she cried in relieved.
It has to be done, Rose, she told herself. Otherwise, he will keep running away and he will keep hurting other and himself at the same time.
She cried helplessly as she was thinking about his expression. He was hurt and but she felt like she needed to let him know, because she loved him. She loved him so much and even though they never tell each other orally, she knew that he loved her as well. There was nothing that she wanted right know more than running to his house and hug him and tell him that she's sorry and they can forget about it. It has to be done. She had to hurt him so she wouldn't hurt himself by hurting everyone else again.
But she was so scared.
What if he never comes back? What if he left her because she didn't allow him to keep running way? Rose could see Gustav in her head. She could even feel him, the warmth of his smile, his expression when she sometimes jokingly put Vegemite to his sandwich or when they came across some kangaroos somewhere down under…
She loved him. So much.
That was why she was crying until she fell asleep that night.
Their angry-shouting conversation is loosely based on a conversation between Negi Springfield and Evangeline McDowell in Akamatsu, K 2006, "Mature Discussion of Combat (オトナ格闘相談室 "Otona Kakutō Sōdanshitsu")" in Negima! Magister Negi Magi, Shonen Magazine, [AQS] Fansubs, Chapter 137, pp. 13-17.