Time After Time

It's over.

It's over now.

Rose sighed as she walked to her bedroom. Dying must be feels exactly like that since she could feel her whole trembling in fear and anger, afraid and upset of what might happens next. She was full of pain and agony at the same time. There was nothing more that she wanted than to bury her face on his chest, feeling his hand on her back and his chin on her head, crying and telling him to never leave.

Stop him now, Rose! Don't let him go! one voice shouted inside her head.

The other voice murmured gloomily, If you can't help him, you're wasting your time.

But you love him. You love him. You love him and you know that.

Stop it. Stop think that your feeling matters. He doesn't want to be with you and that's his right. He doesn't need you.

She lied on her bed, crying without sound. She was so tired and her hand felt really really bad. The wound on her hand was beating as if it was living, hurting her to then point where she wanted to cry, but she couldn't let out her cry completely. She closed her eyes. He was lying in this bed with her once. The happy memory of him sleeping next to her, sleeping peacefully while he was mumbling about kangaroo felt like a painful stab into her heart. The thought of living the rest of her life without knowing him anymore made her felt unbearable pain.

But it's over now. So all you can do now is keep on living, hoping that you will get used to the pain someday.

Sobbing, she heard something pushed the slightly open door. Lestat had habit to sneak into Rose's bed once in a while, especially when he was lonely or simply wished to be fed straight away after Rose wakes up. Rose didn't open her eyes but smiled by the thought of cuddling something that probably comfort her now.

"Les… come here," she whispered.

But it wasn't Lestat.

Because instead of sound Lestat's nails on his four paws on the wooden floor, she heard footsteps. Rose then remembered that she hadn't lock her front door yet but she already knew who was there. She opened her eyes and gasped. She knew she looked completely terrible with tears on her cheeks, she didn't want to see anyoneーespecially himーand so she shouted, "What are you doing in here?"

Go away! Stop making me wanting you even more!

Gustav Wood was standing on the door, the light from the corridor outside Rose's bedroom was shining behind him. She couldn't see his face because her room was quite dark since she didn't turn any lamp on and she needed was squeezing her bed to balance her feeling because she was so afraid of what was going on. Why was he still there? What does he wants?

He didn't say anything. He came to her and leaned down to hug her softly.

Rose was completely confused.

This was still the Gustav Wood she knew. Gustav that moved in front of her house and said nothing to her for a long time. Gustav that then could spend his precious times next to her without saying anything. Gustav that later kissed her on the lips and still spending his times next to her by only hugging her or kissed her cheek before left without saying anything. There were so many Gustav she knew.

And she loved all of them.

"Gustav…?" she whispered. Maybe she was asking. Maybe calling. Maybe pleading.

He still didn't say anything.

"What's the matter? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Rose stroked his back softly and she was shuddered when she realized touching him feels the best. She buried her face on his shoulder and enjoying the warm, happy feeling that he gave her.

He leaned to her and hugging her tightly.

"Hey Rose?" he finally said something. His voice sounded weird.

"Yes, Gustav?"

"When I went to your house for the first time," he said, slow and calm. "You told me that whenever I think I'm alone or I need anything, even as simple as salt or pepper for my food, I can have you."

She was touched because he remembered everything.

"Is that still true?" he asked, sitting on the edge of her bed, his arms were on her back and her nape.

"Of course. It is still true," Rose whispered. "… it will always be true."

He pulled back. Rose breathed as she stared at him. From the faint light came from outside her bedroom, she could see his cheeks were glowing by something. That was when she realized he was crying. Tears were falling from his pale blue eyes.

"Gustav…"

She cried by the sight of him crying.

"Oh Gustav," she leaned closer to him and holding his face with her hands. He leaned and rubbing his tears on her palms. He looked so sad it hurts her just to looking at him. He stared at her, his eyes were glowing by tears.

"You said I can always have you. Then how could you send me away just like that, Rose? Do you really wanna see me leave? Do you think I really want to leave you ever?"

"… I… you said you don't want to see me anymore… I thought about it and I think you have right to go. I'm not going to hold you back just to hurt you even though I… I never want you to leave."

"But I thought you will never give up on me."

"Gustav, I'm so sorry… I was upset… I thought you were angry enough to completely leave me."

There were tears in his cheeks, glowing by weak light as they fell.

"How could you say that? How could you say like I don't want to stay here? I was so afraid… so alone… and then you came into my life and I started to laugh again. I'm happy. When the laugh stops, I thought you would stay by my side, but apparently you don't want to stay there… and even though I told you that we might never see each other again, you don't seem to mind."

He chuckled sadly and stroke his cheeks with the back of his arm.

"Do you know how painful is that to realize that someone that you thought care about you actually doesn't mind losing you?" Gustav closed his eyes, leaning his head into her unwounded hand, the trace of his tears were glowing on his cheeks.

"Gustav… I'm so sorry. I promise you I will never do that again, okay? I'm sorry…" Rose kissed his forehead and they both shuddered as their foreheads met.

"I'm so happy to be held by you again, Rose," he smiled faintly.

It was only a week, but since they spent so much time together, it felt like centuries for her when they didn't meet for only seven days. She felt so happy just so see him, feeling him leaning on her body and probably, the biggest part of losing him was she was unable to forget his smell. It smelled like home. Like the place she always wanted to go back to.

He cried on her neck and they slowly lied on the bed, just like that until morning came. They were both tired but Rose couldn't even fall asleep. She was so afraid to losing him again. When some first strikes of sunlight shone inside the room from curtained window, Rose was still stroking his back and Gustav was mute.

"When I told that I can't sing anymore, it was… the scariest feeling in the world," he whispered, he was far calmer now. "All your dream was coming true and you live it. You live in that dream and you don't wanna wake up. All of the sudden, you woke up. You are nobody. And you can't do anything about it. Not even a single bit… I was so desperate. Too desperate. I own everyone a lot and I can't just betray them by… by not being able to sing."

He sighed and Rose could see him bearing the pain.

"I think it was the best thing that ever happened to me; to be able to sing and share it with a lot of people in the world. I don't know what to do after I lost the best thing that ever happened in my life… but then again, I don't think a lot of people do."

Rose kissed his forehead.

"Gustav," she whispered softly. "I think you're doing the best that you could possibly do. You might be surprised that the majority of human problem was never solved, only outgrew.¹ But I know I have no right to tell you not to be sad or desperate or anything…"

She stroked his hair and closed her eyes as she snuggled him.

"I remembered when I had that phase where I felt worthless because of my past. People told me to stop being sad back then. I was pretty angry. How could they tell me to just stop being sad? Do they have any idea about how does it feels like to be broken? I felt like a broken mirror. Even though you tried to put yourself back together, but you just can't. You simply can't. No matter how hard to try. No one tried to help me either. They just told me and wanted me to be happier. It wasn't simple. It was as if they felt I was a stupid girl who purposely feeling sad. I was desperate. How could they think I wasn't trying to be happy?"²

He chuckled sadly.

"I know exactly how does that feels," Gustav stroked her hair and he kissed her fingers in her wounded hands. "But Rose…" he sighed and he sat next to her while she was lying, sleepy and tired but unable to rest.

"You were right," Gustav mumbled.

"I was trying too hard to not hurting anyone but I can't do that. I should trust them to stay with me on good times and also bad times. We had our good times and I was afraid if they couldn't stay with me in our bad times. That's probably why I ran away… I didn't trust them even though I care about them and I don't want them to get hurt. That was a wrong way to love people, wasn't it?"

Rose nodded. She was so happy that she sat to kiss his cheek.

He closed his eyes when she kissed him and soon after she pulled back, he stared at her. There was something in his expression that let Rose knew that she did something great to him. And that made her happy.

"Um… and… what happened was… I thought I got horrible sore throat one day in the middle of our tour. So we went to doctor and the doctor told me that it wasn't sore throat. At the beginning, it was even hard to talk. I sounded like someone constantly trying to choke me before I got medicine that basically allows me to speak normally but not singing anymore because it gives too much straining to my vocal fold."

She stared at him in disbelief.

He was actually telling her what happened.

Gustav stared at Rose he stared down as he continued, "My case is unique. The doctor said it's pretty much the first in the world. There was a genetic disadvantage involved as well. Just like when there are people who are more likely have bad sight because their parents or their grandparents had bad sight. The doctor told me it didn't develop until I sing daily, seriously, intensely for a couple of years. When it comes up, I need to stop singing regularly in a certain amount or else I would completely lose my voice and would never be able to speak again. He told that there are people, some of the best surgeries in the world, who may able to perform surgery to fix me, but the price would be really expensive because no one had ever done this before. Of course we have money as a band, but not that much. And I don't know how to make so much more money in right time so I can go back to my career before it's too late. So I gave up. I was so upset back then, but now I think I can live with it. Even though I really want to go back and sing and write song again and I know that there is nothing that would make me happier than that, I can still live and enjoy life."

"So there's nothing you can do about it?"

"I don't think so. We made money as band. Now that I can't sing again, how are we going to make money for the surgery? I think it's ridiculous to spend so much just for me…"

"If I were Fraser or someone else from Young Guns, I'm pretty sure I won't mind to spend a lot of money just so you can sing again…"

He laughed a sad laugh.

"I know… or I think I know. It's just that… we did the calculation and we still need so much money we don't know where to get them. It's plain impossible unless we're suddenly as famous as Muse or Coldplay and I can still sing."

Rose just hugged him after that.

"I'm fine, really," he kissed her head. "I was so glad you actually shout at me in order to make me realize that… I was wrong. I think after we have our proper rest, I'll call… everyone… my family and my best friends… and I hope we can sort things out. They can still play. They can go on with new vocalist or something. So… so let's just sleep now, okay? I know you're exhausted."

"You're exhausted as well, Gustav," she mumbled sleepily.

He chuckled and they lied down together, still hugging each other. When Gustav pulled back to kiss her, Rose was already asleep. So he kissed her forehead and he also went to sleep.