Time After Time

Ben buried his face on Rose's neck as he sobbed in frustration, his voice was croaking and he shivered in anger. Rose gulped, hold him softly but strong enough to let him know that she was there for him, as she mumbled 'It's okay'. Ben snivelled.

“I'm so sorry, Rose,” he cried.



“Where were you guys going?”

“Gus! Rose! Sorry, we were watching this battle plane thing in a little room that actually made so it feels like we're in an actual battle plane... it was awesome.”

“Fucking awesome, Gus.”

“Good on you. Now we still have at least half an hour before this museum is close and I think we can spend that on the souvenir shop...”

Gustav was staring down at his black watch before he looked up and snickered at the sight of his four best friends smiling big in front of him. As he guessed, John, Fraser, Ben, and Si were on the other side of museum while he was with Rose. Fortunately, he could easily tell that they were having such a good time. Gustav chuckled and he looked at the girl who suggested them to visit such an impressive place. She was staring at the distance and she looked lonely—also sad. He didn't like that, so he called her.

“Rose?”

“Huh? Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I'm just really really hungry.”

As she said that, he could hear his own stomach growled.

“Well, we just had pathetic sandwich for lunch when we moved from World War I section to World War II one, so it's completely normal to feel hungry,” he smiled as she giggled. Oh, only if she knows how much the sound of giggle made him happy...

“Rose! Gus! What are you doing? Come on! Souvenir time, Lads!” Si was shouting at them. He was already ten metres away from them, walking with Ben, John, and Fraser.

“We're coming!” Rose shouted back before she stared at Gustav, like she wanted to say something before they walk to catch the guys, but then she just smiled and walk. He followed her. His hand was itching again because he wanted to hold her hand so bad. But he did nothing. He walked in silence and thinking about his feeling and how to not make it awkward in front of the guys until he saw this teenager pair walking past him.

Suddenly, he realised that it had been ages since he was a teenager. He was almost thirty now, yet he was thinking about holding hand, something that teenager nowadays might think silly. But he liked it. He would agree if someone call him old fashioned.

He felt that it was better to fall in love for someone so seriously it turns you into twelve years old something who is really nervous about holding hand than being ninth grader and already slept with someone. Gustav prefer it this way.



“Rose, Rose, can we buy this model plane?”

“Can we all buy model planes?”

Rose laughed.

There was a special joy when Young Guns asked her whether they can buy things, as if she was going to forbid them. She wasn't their mother—they could buy anything they like with their money that obviously have greater number than Rose's. But she was touched. So she explained why and why should not they buy the model plane at the museum shop at the end of their trip. It was three on the evening and everyone was starving. But even though the guys were starving, they turned into completely different person when they saw things that they could buy at the shop.

Rose liked how the guys would just go crazy and buy stuffs and doing weird, stupid things with anything they could put their hands on, while Gustav was standing seriously as he observed an exact replica of pathetic looking mug made out of can with a bunch of sugar and tea in sachet inside it. The mug and whatever inside it was one of the kind of supply that the Australian soldiers got when there was war. Such a small quantity of sugar and Rose would be terrified on the idea that she couldn't just drink tea because she wants to.

Gustav was still commenting about the can mug with duck egg's colour. He let out a sighed as he added, “It makes us feel really thankful of what we have now, you know.”

Behind him, Si was trying to push Ben into an ANZAC shirt that was obviously a female shirt. Fraser and John took photo of Ben's terrified expression. Rose bursted into laughter. The sight reminded her on of the Young Guns documentary video, where Gustav was talking seriously about castle and the guys were just concentrating into putting rocks to someone's head—was it Si? Ben? She couldn't recall, but she sure could tell that they had changed so much and not changing at all at the same time.

In the end, they just bought the sad mug, one for everyone, and the guys bought Rose the biggest snow globe with some kind of battle ship on it.

“A reminder that you visited this place with us,” Si said, as he handed Rose the snow globe. Rose smiled.

She looked touched and also confused. “Should I hug you one by one or...?”

Gustav shrugged, “Just make us dinner or something.”

So then it had been decided that the guys would rest while Ben and Rose went to buy some ingredients for dinner. As Ben drove, Rose looked out the window and thinking about Gustav, how they were so close but he was still keeping things from her—and she realise it again today when she saw him lost in thought as they walked together in the museum.

There was something holding him back. Something worried him. Whatever that was, it seemed to be a logical process on Gustav's condition. He was sad because he couldn't sing. He was so sad he left everyone who knew him when he could still sing. Now he cope up with the sadness and letting some people who knew him when he could still sing come back into his life. But he still couldn't sing and it still killed him every single day.

He looked happier, though.

He looked happier as he sat there with the guys. He looked happier as he brushed Lestat's fur. He looked happier just because he realised he was among his best friends again.

But he still looked sad.

Rose always wanted him to be happy. She always wanted to come to him and solve his unhappiness, as if it was an untangled knot. But unfortunately, life is not that simple. Sometimes there are things that she can't do. There were problems that she couldn't help him solve. She could try, but in the end, it was always up to Gustav whether he wants to be happy or not—whether he wants to let people help him or not.

She didn't understand what really hold him back and made him didn't just tell anything to her. Wasn't she there for him long enough? Hadn't she proved that she would help him no matter what? It hurt her a little and sometimes she hated herself for not being able to do anything, for attaching herself to such a sad man who didn't even have the will of telling her everything...

But then she looked at him and she couldn't think. She couldn't think and she was always suddenly realising that she was breathing. Staring at him was a real bliss to be alive, Rose always believed. Staring at him and admiring his features, his kindness, his words, his stunning, sad eyes...

She knew, when she looked at him, that she would forgive him for anything. She would also forgive herself for fall for him. Everything was okay again. And everything would eventually be better—even though better means Gustav is going back to England and Rose is alone again. It scared her how much she was happy because they were there with her, but then she held back, shutting her eyes tightly and thinking about her life before Gustav stepped in and made her the happiest living thing in the universe...

Alone is good. I'm always alone, anyway, so it's not like I'm going to go through extreme pain of being not with anyone. I will miss him. I will miss the guys. But I would have been had the privilege to be with them—to love them. That is all that matters.

That is all that really matters.

Rose blinked.

Outside, rain was falling.

She stared at the rain outside while she recalled a scene from when they leave for caravan trip.



It had been awhile since John, Si, Fraser, and Ben came and Rose's life seemed to be shine brighter because they really were a bunch of fun people. She laughed so much more than other times in her life and she was genuinely happy—except for one thing.

Whenever the guys went disappear from the room where Gustav was there, his smile disappeared, along with warmth in his pale blue eyes. She didn't know whether he did that on purpose or he didn't realise that he let himself feeling sad whenever he didn't need to look happy in front of his best friends. It hurt her more than she could imagine—it hurt her until one time, she couldn't resist it anymore.

After they went to a night out, Rose who had to work in the same night and went home earlier, greeted them as they stumbled upon Gilbert's house, half awake and almost fully drunk. Everyone except Gustav went straight to bed, but he spent awhile in front of sink, doing nothing while water from the tap flow through his hand.

He just looked really sad.

Almost as sad as the first time she saw him clearly for the first time, when Lestat ran to him on that one day in the past.

So Rose hugged Gustav from behind and she could tell that he was startled.

“Rose? What is it?”

She pulled back immediately.

“Nothing!” she gasped. “I'm sorry, I... I just...”

Gustav turned around and lowered his head so he could hear Rose better. They were close and Rose wanted to step back so they were not standing very close anymore, but then his face got closer to her face and she trailed off. His whole existence sometimes could be really intoxicating—if that's the right word to describe it. She just stared at him, her mouth slightly hanging, and there was an urge to pull him to her, to make him wholly hers...

Sometimes, it's magical to realise how much she likes him that she feels like she could just stare at him forever.

Then Rose blushed.

Rose really really liked Gustav that sometimes she forgot that she was twenty three and she acted like she was in high school—like being in love for the first time. She was about to think that it might be happened because Gustav was not so much older than him, unlike Michael, but then she remembered that she had to say something.

“I... it's nothing. It's really nothing, sorry.”

Gustav smiled and his face warmed, “But is it really 'nothing' if you hug me out of nothing?”

She shook her head and she could feel herself blushed even redder.

“No, sorry, you're right, I...” she stared at him. There was so many thing she wanted to say—so many things that it was too much to put into words. “I...”

He blinked, his eyebrows were raising slowly in anticipation and he waited.

Rose chuckled and smiled. Suddenly she felt confident enough to say cheerily, “I just want you to know that I'm here, okay? I'm worried about you... all the time. You look like you want something but you can't have it yet—I know, that might not be correct, it's just my opinion. But then again, I guess it's rational to think that you want to sing again yet you currently can't so you make that lost expression. But I won't push you to tell me everything, even the one that worries you. But... but I'm here, okay? If you want to tell me anything, I'm here.”

He smiled, so her smile grew bigger.

“You can still have me,” Rose said.

They stared at each other and Rose could tell that they were both remember their first encounter where Rose eventually offered him to drink hot chocolate in her house—where Rose told him out of nothing that he could have her. He still does. He will always have her.

“So... yeah,” she chuckled nervously. “I think I just wanted to tell you that, that I'm here, so... uh... thanks for listening, I guess?” she made another awkward squeaky laugh that stopped suddenly when she stared at him.

There was something in his expression, like an enraging dissatisfaction. It was almost like anger—or was it hunger?

But before Rose could think about it, Gustav pulled her closer and before she knew it, his lips were crushing hers. She wanted to think but she couldn't do it anymore—not in that moment. Rose closed her eyes and let the hunger consumed her—consumed both of them. She could feel that Gustav was starving so bad and she was too. Her lips crushed his back, hungrily, almost desparately. They yearned so much for more. And more. And more. And more. So much more that they forgot to take a breath and when they both pulled back, they were panting like they had just finished two thousand metres marathon and it felt painful—it felt painful to stop kissing each other.

“Sorry,” Gustav mumbled and Rose knew he was holding himself back—for reason that Rose didn't really understand but she felt that she knew deep down inside what was the reason.

Rose shook her head.

“It's okay,” she whispered back.

He kissed her forehead, but he didn't pull his lips back from her forehead for a while. And he trembled—trembled in hunger. His whole body stiffen. That was Rose really realised that he was, after all, a man. He groaned. But he pulled back. And it hurt. And Rose knew it hurt. So she hugged him and stroked his back.

“It's okay,” Rose repeated and his body grew calmer.

Later, Rose learned that Gustav wanted her as a whole person; not only he wanted to be her very close friend, but he also wanted her body—he wanted to hug and kiss her. But she didn't understand why he pulled back—why he hold back.

Little did she know that the answer would come soon from an event in their trip.



Ben and Rose's mission had to be delayed because they couldn't go back immediately after they stuffed the van with vegetables, fruits, meats, and plenty of beers. The van's wheel was inflated—although it was more like it exploded without any particular reason—and the man who work on his family grocery where Ben and Rose went shopping to were kind enough to check out what was wrong with the wheel.

It was a rainy, calm evening. Apparently they were the last consumer so they just stand awkwardly while the man, he later introduced himself as Bob, told them that he could fix the wheel, but it would take awhile. Beside, it was raining outside. So, with long and heavy sigh, they both sat on the tiny office of the grocery, after thanked Bob for repairing the van.

Rose sat calmly and read newspaper.

Ben was playing with his iPhone and he looked irritated. He was so irritated that Rose could hear him grumbling even though it was raining pretty loud outside. Rose put the newspaper down and stared at Ben, who looked exhausted, unhappy, and, eventually, pretty angry.

Ben shook his head. It was clear that he didn't want to talk about it, but he got more and more irritated until he finally spat it out.

“I'm tired of this,” he said, almost slamming his iPhone to the table where Rose put the newspaper back.

“W-what?” Rose stared at him, half worried, half scared.

“What am I doing?” Ben asked, his gaze was piercing to Rose's eyes. “What are we doing here, Rose? Seriously, what? Shouldn't we go working so Gus can get the surgery?”

He didn't let Rose respond as he continued.

“I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I sacrifice so much for Young Guns, I can't be with my friends and my family and everyone back in England, and now everything is going to go to waste because... because Gus can't fucking sing again,” he sighed and laughed an angry, growl-like, laugh. “It's not his fucking fault, I know.” He stared at Rose again, but Ben looked like he was lost.

“It isn't, but still...”

Ben looked like he wanted to smash something.

“What am I doing? Why do I wasting my life to something that eventually stop in vain? What am I going to do now? What if we don't get the money for the surgery? What then? Are we going to back to normal? What is normal, then? Why am I here? Shouldn't we be doing something now? My friends back in England keep asking me what am I doing and I don't know—because I fucking don't.”

He was shivered and Rose was confused. She couldn't remember she was with someone this angry before.

“They told me that, yeah, if Young Guns is over, why don't I just go back and be good friend and do things I can't do with them because I'm always touring with Young Guns? But I can't. Not yet. Because we're still working to get Young Guns work again. But what if Gus will never sing again? Why am I wasting my time waiting for a miracle to happen?”

“Ben...”

That was when Rose understand that, deep down inside, what Ben said was everything the guys felt; they was afraid, they was unsure, and they didn't really know what to do. For Rose, things might not really matter, because even though Gustav couldn't sing again, her life wouldn't change drastically; she would still live her life like before. But not with them. If Gustav couldn't sing again, then the life that they had built for years would just go in vain.

Ben was finally calm enough to sit. He rubbed his face with his palm in despair.

“I'm sorry,” he said, still slightly angry. “I just couldn't hold it anymore. I'm tired, we're trapped in this rain, I'm hungry, and my friends ask me what am I doing and I don't know anymore... and I can't really tell anyone...”

Rose waited until he didn't say anything again for a while before she asked, “Why can't you? Aren't the guys your best friend?”

“Yeah, but we don't whine to each other, especially when we have to be strong. No one likes to look like a weakling.”

“... I'm okay if I'm a weakling. I'm okay too if you're a weakling. We're all human, after all. We're all not as strong as we want us to be.”

Ben looked touched by Rose's words, but he shook his head.

“Maybe you don't get it because you're a girl,” he snickered darkly. “I don't expect you to understand.”

“Why isn't this some kind of common knowledge, then? That guys have to be really stoic and calm and everything?”

Ben snickered gloomily. He looked like a disappointed child that eventually accept the fact that dinosaur had long gone and they would be unlikely to be on the face of earth again.

“Because we don't think people would understand? I can tell people about what I feel, how things frustrate me, but then my pride would strike in and I won't confess about my weakness. I guess that's just a guy thing.”

Rose blinked.

“But you told me about how you feel—and how things frustrate you.”

“Oh... t-that... w-we-well...”

Ben stammered so much Rose was scared to see it. He snapped out of his bubbling and growled an angry growl, “You know, you're really scary, Rose. Do you know that? You stare at people and you see their heart. You make people feel vulnerable. You make people open up. That is... despicable!”

Rose was shocked, but Ben's voice was shaking. It was like he was cornered and Rose forced him to choke the truth out of his mouth and she felt guilty about that. She didn't even know that she does that, but then again she remembered how she cried in front of Gustav because he was just so sad and then maybe Gustav felt the obligation to at least open up a little to her in order to make her less sad. She felt dishonourable. She was so naïve and she should had known that. In real world, in society, people aren't supposed to be naïve.

“Ben... I... I'm sorry.”

He shuddered. He looked like he couldn't take it anymore, but he came to her, hugged her, while he was trembling with emotions.

“N-no... Rose... I'm sorry,” he hugged her a little tighter and tighter. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... it wasn't your fault. It was me... I... it have been ages since I talk about things... things that I kept deep inside... things that scare me... you know that, don't you? Like when you give your deepest secret to someone and somehow you felt really really... vulnerable. I'm sorry...”

“Hey... Ben... it's okay. Really. It's okay. I know you're scared. I know that every single one of us are actually scared... scared that one day we woke up and somehow it has been decided that we're going to fall apart because we don't have secrets anymore, that we're broken, that we're not special... you had been very brave, Ben, and I think you should be really proud of that.”

Ben mumbled a faint 'yes' and he didn't say anything else. He didn't say anything for a long time after that. Rose could hear him crying but she didn't say anything either. She just sat there, being with him, and feeling that one truth had been too much for a day. After that, she felt like she acquired a piece of Ben Jolliffe that she should never tell anyone—a piece that she would keep closely with her until her grave. It felt strikingly similar with the piece that Si gave her when they were in Goulburn. She could tell that Ben was scared, but despite all those fears, he still chose to believe in Rose.

They didn't say anything to each other for quite a long time, while raining was washing Canberra outside.

“I'm so sorry, Rose,” Ben cried.

Rose stroke his back slowly, calming him down with all she could, “It's okay. It's okay, really...”

After that, Rose didn't really remember what happen to be exact. She remembered that the rain stopped. She remembered that Ben wipe tears on his face. She remembered that after Ben washed his face, Bob came to tell them that the van is now fixed and they bought themselves an extra crate of apple in order to thank Bob that rejected to get paid for his good deed.

They drove home to O'Malley in silent.

After big dinner where everyone ate so much until they were so full they didn't think they could move from their spot—even Lestat was just lying there, his tail wasn't even moving—Rose finally stood up to clean things up. The guys helped him a little before she shooed them to sleep because they were quite drunk, since the beer that Bob sold was wickedly so good, at least according to them.

When Rose put the mountain of plates to the sink as she thought of washing them tomorrow because she was so tired, Ben came to the kitchen.

“Can I have a glass of water?” he asked.

Rose nodded, “Sure.”

It took him awhile after he finished his glass of water, but then Ben said, “Thank you.”

“For what?” Rose asked, seriously didn't understand.

“For just being Rose Lette, really.”

Ben smiled and from his smile, Rose knew that he felt better than before. Rose smiled back and pat his shoulder.

“You've been really strong for a long time. It's okay to not be strong once in a while.”

Ben chuckled, ruffled Rose's hair, and went to sleep.

Rose didn't went to bed straight away. She sat on the living room, brushing Lestat's fur while the dog was practically asleep even though he didn't really do anything that day, until she was so tired she was half asleep when she was done. She met Gustav when she walked to her bedroom and she shook his hand out of nothing.

“That's a good handshake, Gustav. Men is strong,” she said.

Rose walked sleepily to the bedroom, leaving Gustav confused as he saw his hand and then her back.