Between Our Love and Dreams

Dear Jack,
I want to say that this was all your fault. I want to say I hate you and that I never want to see you again. That’s how all the break-ups happen, right? The girl gets all pissy and the guy pretends not to know where their relationship failed. But that’s not us.
We both know what happened. We got lost in the middle of falling in love and forgetting who we really are. I ran away from my dreams, and you got caught up in chasing yours. I remember when you called me that night. You know the one I’m talking about.

When you signed with Hopeless and Alex was having a party at his house, you wanted me to come. You wanted me to come celebrate your success. But what you didn’t know was that you were also asking me to celebrate something more than that.
You were asking me to celebrate you leaving me. Because that’s what you were doing. You were going to go on tour, and have girls throwing themselves at you. They would all want you. And it scared me to death that you’d be too weak to say no to them.

But you did. You stayed faithful. For a while. Because our relationship was strong enough to outlast the distance put between us.
Then you started recording. Your first album, I was so proud of you Jack. I wanted the world to know what I had known all along: that All Time Low was a band worth listening to.

But then you stopped calling as much.

You stopped coming home as often.

At first I thought you were just busy. That it would all blow over once the album had been released for a little while.
That you’d take a break from touring and come home. But you never took a break, you never came home. And then you started recording the second album.
And the third.
And by the time the last two were released I knew things would never be the same. Holidays and birthdays weren’t enough to keep our dying relationship a float.

And then I got a call. From Phoenix, Arizona. It was the first call I had gotten from you in 3 weeks. You were on tour, of course, as always. But this call was different.
You were crying.

“Kalyn, I’m so-so sorry..” You breathed out in panic. “I-I was so trashed, baby. Please don’t hate me..” I already knew what you were going to say, and to be completely honest I expected it. I was numb to the disappointment. You had disappointed me so many times before.
But when you said the words; when they finally passed your hung over, alcoholic lips I broke down. I think that was the night when I knew we were really over.
“I slept with someone. I’m so sorry, Kalyn.” I hung up the phone as I felt my heart break.

I never thought we’d be so broken.

The next 2 days were the hardest. You came home because the band had a few days off on tour and you brought me roses. A dozen to be exact. You cried; I cried.
But, eventually I forgave you. Not because you messed up “only once.” No, I forgave you for all the things you had done in the past. Before all of the band mess. I forgave you in hopes of getting my Jack back. The Jack I fell in love with.

But nothing was the same after you left. I felt myself letting go of you. I felt myself forgetting “My Jack.” Because he wasn’t here anymore.
He was replaced with the fan’s Jack. And the fan’s Jack always put me last.

You finally came home after your most recent tour, and that brings us to where we are now. You’ve been in Baltimore, but you haven’t been here..

So, I’m writing you this letter to let you know that I’ve given up. But, I don’t feel quite as bad because I know you gave up a long time ago.
I’m leaving. I got accepted to Vanderbilt, Jack. I’m going to college. It’s taken so long for me to realize that this is what I need to do with my life: follow my dreams.
Not to sit and wait for a man that forgot about us a long time ago.

So this is goodbye, Jack. It’s my turn to follow my dreams.

I learned from the best.

With love,
Kalyn Rebecca Jeter.

--

I put down the pen, and folded the paper. I left it in a place I knew Jack would find it. But he wouldn’t find it in time to stop me from leaving.

My bags were already packed, arrangements were already made. I was leaving. Jack Barakat wasn’t going to hold me back anymore.

My best friend, Faith, picked me up from my house that afternoon. She was going to drive me to the airport.
I was excited to be getting back to Tennessee. To get closer to my family, again.

We pulled up to the airport and Faith helped me with my bags as we walked towards the terminal. I was leaving Baltimore behind and I was starting to feel as if a very important chapter in my life was ending.
After Faith and I moved here with her parents in High School, I thought it was such a big step up from the small hick town we grew up in. But now I couldn’t be more ready. I wanted to forget everything Jack gave me.
And everything he took away.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay? I can be there in 3 hours if you need me. Just call.” I wanted her to come with me. But she has a life here with Alex and I could never ask that of her.

“Are you sure you didn’t say anything to, Alex?” I asked as we stood, waiting for my flight to be announced.

“Not a word. Are you sure you want this? Jack loves you..” My best friend smiled as she hugged me.

“Not enough. He just.. doesn’t love me enough. He doesn’t look at me the way Alex looks at you anymore. Nothing is the same. Nothing.” It broke my heart to say the words I had been keeping to myself for so long out loud. The vocal representation of my pain almost knocked me over where I stood in the airport that day.

“I don’t believe that,” Faith replied softly. “I think you two just got mixed up and lost in the excitement. But I know that I love you.” She helped me hand the bags off as I heard boarding for my flight being announced. “Tell your mom I said hi whenever you see her. And most importantly; be safe out there.”

I smiled at my gorgeous best friend. She’s always been here, no matter what and this time was no different. “I love you too, crazy!” I let the tears that I had been holding spill over as I hugged her tight. “I’m going to miss you. I’ll come visit!” I assured her as I quickly ran off to board my flight.

As I took a seat in the almost too-crowded plane, next to a woman and her 3 children, I started thinking about what I was doing.
And for the first time since I decided to leave, I regretted my decision.

---

The room I was staying in was small, not near as big as Jack and I’s home, but it was enough. I was staying with Faith’s cousins and they were the nicest people in the world. But I was already starting to miss Baltimore. Home.

I slid my clothes into the drawer and smiled a bit because I knew that at least now I was free from the disappointment. Even though the cause for my disappointment was once so crucial in my life.

I shook those thoughts from my head, however. I needed to let go.
It was already proving to be harder than expected. The thought of Jack was already filling my head more than usual.

“Kalyn?” I turned around and smiled at Faith’s youngest cousin. She was only about 20, but she was the sweetest.

“Yeah?” I sat down on the tiny, single bed they had made out for me as I waited for her reply.

“I think you should come downstairs. There’s someone here to see you.” Confusion washed over me with these words. I knew no one in this town.
How could anyone possibly be here to see me?

“Uh-Sure. I’ll be down in a bit.” I turned back around to my suitcase and closed it. But by the time I turned around to head down to meet with this stranger, I was met by the one person I knew better than anyone.

Jack. Jack Bassam Barakat.

“J-Jack-“ I choked out. Why was he here? I didn’t have time to even question his motives before he was spitting out the answer.

“Kalyn? Kalyn what is this?!” He yelled throwing the letter I had spent so much time writing for him. I just shook my head. It was ridiculous for him to question it.

All the answers were in that letter. “You obviously haven’t read it, Jack. Because the answers are right there.” I picked up the paper for emphasis. “Crystal. Fucking. Clear.” I did have a bit of anger towards my ex-boyfriend for his neglect; and it was all clearly showing in this moment as I read off a bit of it. “I’m leaving, Jack.” I turned the paper for him to look at it himself. “Seems pretty obvious to me.”

“You CANT do this to me. I-I love you. Oh my god I fucking love you..” He whispered as he sat in the floor next to my bed.
I wanted to scream bullshit on his act and yank out the blonde that was so carefully bleached into his head. But I couldn’t do that.
I just couldn’t.

“Not enough, Jack. You just don’t love me enough.”

“Don’t give me that!” He yelled as he got up, but only on one knee as he finished his argument. “Kalyn, I love you more than any words could describe. In your letter you made it a point to tell me that I gave up on you. I didn’t; I never gave up on us.” He took both of my hands in his. “I just got lost along the way.”
“If I gave up, I wouldn’t have flown across the fucking country to tell you that you need to come back. You need to come back to Baltimore because that’s where our life is. That’s where I met you. That’s where I fell in love with you.

If you thought for a second that any of that had changed, then you’re crazy. When I got home and saw that letter.. when I saw that you had left.. I had never felt more sick in my.” He paused as he took a moment to collect himself. “I felt like you ripped my heart out and took it with you. All the way here to Tennessee.
I’m NOT the fan’s Jack. No matter how much I love those kids, you’re my number one priority. Number. One.”
I looked down, trying to avoid eye contact with the man I once held so dear to my heart. He was sitting in front of me, begging me for my forgiveness and acceptance. He was so scared of ME leaving HIM and it was honestly something I never expected to hear from a man I thought I lost so long ago.

“Jack. I-“ I tried to tell him that I loved him too. And that these words were the first step into sewing up and mending the scars on my broken heart, but he cut me off.

“No. Don’t say anything.” He reached into the back pocket of his too-tight jeans and pulled out a little blue and white box.

Tiffany’s.

Shit.

“Jack- What are you doing?..” I asked him, I expected a bracelet, some new clothes, or a whole shopping spree in order to convince me that he was sorry and that I needed to return home.
But this is a small, ring-sized box from Tiffany’s.
Tiffany’s sells engagement rings.

FUCK.

“I’m doing what I should of done a long time ago. I’ve had this ring since Nothing Personal and I’ve been scared shitless on how I would ask you. But now you’ve gone and started thinking I don’t love you..” He paused before continuing. “But I do. And honestly, right now, I’m willing to spend the rest of my life making up for the past 5 years. I know I fucked up. But dammit, Kalyn, I can’t live and be happy making music knowing I don’t have you to come home to.”

I looked at the ground.
I was about to have to make a decision that would change my life with this man forever. Either we would be happy, and content loving each other for the rest of our lives, or I would say no. And I would go out to pursue my dreams in college, never looking back at Jack.

He kept going, “And as for your dreams, fuck baby, I didn’t know you wanted to go to college. You can. I’ll pay for you to go anywhere in the fucking country as long as you’ll still call our house, ‘home.’ I need you there. You’re my inspiration; my fire.”
I loved Jack. Er. I LOVE Jack. I love him with all of my heart and I think that moment of weakness on the plane; where I second guessed my judgment, was the moment that I realized Jack was my dream. He was my heart, and although we had been broken for a long, long time, it started beginning to feel as if maybe this is what we need: to dedicate our lives together. To dedicate our lives to being our own versions of forever.

I was so sure Jack and I were over.
But, as he opened the tiny box, with the tiny white bow, I knew deep down that Jack and I would never REALLY be over. How could we? When we have thousands of days just like these to look forward to.

“I’ll make this work, baby.” He whispered. “I’ll come home every weekend, after shows, before shows, hell I fucking leave DURING a show if you would just take me back. I’ll call you every night. I just need to know we’re okay.”
He paused and took out the ring. The gorgeous, white-gold engagement ring. “Kalyn Rebecca Jeter, will you please making me the happiest rock star on the planet and be my wife? Forever?”

I picked up the ring and smiled. This was it, the decision that was going to change everything.

I slid it on my finger as I replied, “Yes Jack Barakat. I’ll fucking marry you!”

<3

That day, the girl Jack Barakat took to senior prom was now going to be the same girl he would watch walk down the aisle and become his wife.
He always knew just how perfect she was. With her fiery red hair and her fair white skin. He always knew, because she was his forever now.
Jack Barakat was in love. With a girl the world tried to take away from him. He was in love with a girl he didn’t deserve.
And he got lucky.
Because that girl loved him, too.