The Calm

Alan's POV

2 months have gone by since the whole incident with Gielle. Austin and I were in love and happy, but something felt wrong. Everyday when I woke up, I would feel a weight on my shoulder. An unpleasant weight of un-comfort. I didn't know what it was. I had developed insomnia, and my anxiety was getting much worse. Austin would try and stay up with me until I fell asleep, but some nights he was the one to fall asleep on me and the anxiety kicked in.

I woke up this morning to the sound of a guitar playing. Austin was singing, something he was getting more into lately. He wrote his own songs, and they were pretty good. I stretched and slowly got out of bed. I rubbed my eyes hard, wiping away the sleepies. I stood up and walked to the bathroom to take my medication Austin had prescribed to me. They didn't really help, but I didn't want to tell Austin that. I went into the kitchen and watched Austin finish his song. He saw me and smiled, gently setting down his guitar. He stood up and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I wrapped mine around his neck and he pulled me in for a kiss.

"Good morning my Ginger Princess." He said, pulling away and resting his forehead against mine. "Did you sleep well?"

I smiled and nodded. I kissed his nose and pulled away from his hold to get something for breakfast. I pulled out a box of cheerios and a bowl and poured them in the bowl. I didn't like milk, so I just ate the cheerios. It was Sunday, so neither Austin nor I had to go to work. Yes, I finally got a job. No where special, just at a nearby corner store.

"Did you check on the kids?" I asked as I ate my cheerios.

"Still sleeping." Austin replied. He eyed the ground awkwardly, a guilty look in his eye.

"What's wro- You haven't eaten breakfast yet have you?!" I exclaimed laughing.

"Shut up!" Austin blushed, his cheeks a rosy pink. I reached up into one of the cabinets and pulled out pancake mix and started gathering ingredients. I mixed them all together and slapped them down on a pan that was on the stove. Once they were done I put them on a plate for Austin and served it to him.

"Thanks babe, you're the best." Austin smiled, pecking me on the cheek. He ate while I cleaned up and resumed eating my bowl of cheerios.

"I hope you don't mind if I go to the bar with the guys today." Austin said with a mouthful of pancakes.

I smiled, trying to hide my disappointment. I was hoping Austin would have wanted to hang out here and cuddle and watch movies with me. But he hadn't been out with the guys in months, and he deserved a little happiness. "Yea, I don't mind. Just promise me you won't drink to much."

"I promise you baby." He finished the last of the pancakes and put his dishes in the sink. He left the kitchen and went upstairs, going to check on the babies. I didn't want the rest of my cheerios, so I decided to just throw the rest out. Austin caught me though, Oliver in his arms.

"Alan..."

"I'm not hungry." He came over, setting Oliver down into a walker we had gotten him. Oliver had learned how to walk now, so it was impossible to get him to stay in one spot.

Austin came over and rested his hand on my shoulder. He looked me deep in the eye. I got uncomfortable and looked away. "Alan, you're getting worse. You've lost 20 pounds, you hardly ever sleep, you're anxieties getting worse, you need to see a therapist."

"I don't need to see a therapist." I quickly pulled away from his grasp and started making a bowl of cereal for Oliver. I picked Oliver up out of his walker and put him into the chair. I gave him his spoon and helped him eat. He was independent, and didn't like me helping him.

Austin watched me, a disappointed look in his eye. "You know you can talk to me about anything to, right? I'm here for you always."

I waited a few minutes before saying, "I know."

Austin half-smiled and turned to go get Tayuh. I continued feeding Oliver, talking to him as I did. Austin came back with Tayuh and started feeding her. This was going to be a long day.
****

Austin was at the bar and the kids were sleeping, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I paced the living room, the TV on not for my entertainment, but for background noise. But it wasn't enough.

'I can't take this anymore. You're not good enough for Austin. He's gonna leave you. You're going to wake up to an empty house and no kids and you'll be back at square one.'

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I screamed, my hands hitting my head. I was having a break down and Austin wasn't here to comfort me and I couldn't leave because of the kids. I fought the urge to call Austin, he deserved to have one night out. I didn't want to ruin it for him. I didn't know how to deal with this though. I thought about using a blade to hurt myself, or maybe swallowing pills, but I tried my hardest to push those thoughts away.

I took deep breaths in and out. I finally gave in and ran to the bathroom. I pulled out a razor, Austin had talked about how this had made him feel better, why wouldn't it help me? I pressed the razor down on my wrist and dragged it across the vein. It stung, but it was distracting me. I watched the blood start to rise. Something about that was strangely satisfying. I repeated what I did again and again, until there was no room on my wrist. I did it in other various spots, until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I looked at myself and saw I had scars everywhere, my wrists, legs, thighs, even my stomachs. And there was so much blood. I took a damp tissue and tried washing it away, but not only did it not help but it stung too. I started worrying about losing too much blood.

"Fuck!" I muttered. I didn't know what to do. I was standing in nothing but boxers, the rest of my body covered in blood and scars. I started sobbing, what had I done?

I heard the front door open and Austin calling "Alan I'm ho-" He stopped when he heard me sobbing. He knew where I was, and ran up to the bathroom. When he saw me his jaw dropped, making me sob even harder.

"I didn't know what to do." I tried saying. My throat was dry though, so it came out in a harsh whisper. He ran to me and started cleaning me up.

"Shit." He muttered. More loudly, he said, "Don't you ever do this to yourself again." He looked angry, slightly even betrayed. But all those feelings went away and he started sobbing. He left the bathroom and came back, tears gone and first-aid kit in hand. He stitched up a few cuts that were too deep. When he was done he wrapped me in his arms, holding me.

"I'm so sorry." He cried.