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Okay i didnt die. almost my head will explode cause all the fucking emotions i swear.
by the way, when i call him tomatohead i hate him and when i call him gerard i just dont like him.
BIG differrence.
i had just put you away under my pillow, gerard comes back and asks what that was,im like nothing. then he drops it and we continue watching the movie ( pulp fiction ).
an hour goes and i head to the bathroom FORGETTING about the fact that this book is under the pillow and he knows it.
when i come back i see him, reading what i wrote. me confessing i have a crush on him,that im gay, everything.
I freak out and runs over to him and tries to reach the book but i cant cause i'm so fucking shoooort!!! he just keeps reading.
tomatohead;'' you have a crush on me,eh?''
me; ''give it back!! you fucker, give it back i said!''
he listend to me and i was so chocked i just stared at him trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside his head.
tomatohead; '' I'm sorry.. but seriously.. you have a crush on me..?''
me; ''a TINY crush,tiny. but not anymore. asshole.''
his smile faded away before he muttered a ''oh i see.''
me;'' what is going on inside your head? at first you bully me and then you suddenly apologize and act all nice, like..what?''
him; '' i dont know. i guess its a matter of survival. I have to act all tough and shit, i dont wanna be bullied yknow ''
I just laughed.
me; '' yeah, you dont. it's hell.''
for the first time i saw in his eyes,how sorry he was.

then,that conversation,all about this whole crush thingy, was gone. We sat down and started to talk about everything there was to talk about.
Bands,CD's, what kind of music we hate the most and so on.
he asked me what i hoped to be in the future,
all i said was ''Alive.''
he gave me a look filled with sorrow,(again) before smiling and putting hos hand on my knee, saying '' it will be okay, i promise.''
how could i believe him? he's one of the reasons why i hate living.
i didnt answer him, i just looked at his hand like it burned, it kinda did.. then he took it away and we kept talking like nothing.
it was so weird, there's something with him that makes me forget. like why didnt i run as far away from him? why didnt i fear him? Why didnt it ever cross my mind that he would punch me, now when he could easily do it without getting the blame.
I dont understand.. it was like we were like..buddies. Like we had been friends for so long.
now when i think back,i would punch the shit out of him. I have so much anger,so much pain inside me that's caused by him. there's something that just holds me back from doing that. it's driving me crazy.

i mean, he ruins my life. literally. it wont be long until i'm sick of getting beaten, i will quit going to school = no job = no money = no home.
there is no words for how much i hate him and i dont usally hate people, but i surely hate him. He is the reason to why i started harming myself,believing it's all my fault he bullies me, that i deserve it. I mean, it is right? why would he do it anyway?
that whole '' cant stand that youre beautiful '' shit is just..shit. I'm not beautiful. I'm not beautiful anywhere. All i am, is an insicure,hopeless and depressed little coward who hates himself to death. something like that.

okay well, i cant deal with this now. i need a cigarette. i hope that fucker is asleep so i wont get stuck again, i dont want him to steal my soul.

by the way, I've stayed away from my blade for 2 days now, woo. finally done something good about my life.

I just need to tell you this, I'm to much of a coward to say it to your face but yeah.
Frank, you are beautiful. You shouldn't hate yourself.
I just.. I kind of love you. I know it's crazy, but there is something about you I can't get enough of.
That's why I can't let you go.
You're like a drug.
One touch and you're stuck.
I know it's the wrong way but I have to be near you somehow.
I'm truly sorry,Frank. For everything. / Gerard.