A Retired Super-Villain Subjects His Adolescent Grandson to a Slide Show
A Retired Super-Villain Subjects His Adolescent Grandson to a Slide Show
"Timmy... Is that you Timmy? Come Come now, Out of the shadows there. Out from behind the iron maiden, out from beneath the shadows of my now stuffed, dread eagle Malaroc. Come here, bask with me in the glorious crimson aura of the Orb of night. Stare with me from my balcony of elephant bone at my dilapidated volcano super fortress.
You know Timmy I wasn't always an old man, I wasn't always able to shoot quantum death rays from my robot eye, why, when I was your age I was a strapping, handsome young lad not the charred and mangled visage you see before you. I was not always confined to this infernal floating mega chair, No Timmy! I tell you once I was POWERFUL! YES TIMMY! TRUE POWER LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER WIELDED...
Hahoho look at me go, Yes Timmy your old Grandpa has still got it.
What's that now? You'll have to speak up, my poor ears aren't what they used to be. How did I get this way? Why you young Rapscallion, when your mother was your age I would have set my irradiated ultra-hounds upon her for displaying such impudence. But oh well, you are a fine, evil young lad and I suspect my harshness with her in her youth may have been the thing which led her into such a vile, unspeakable life of community service.
BUT ENOUGH! TO KNOW MY STORY IS TO KNOW THE TRUE FACE OF CHAOS! Are you ready for these dark visions, this voyage into the abyss of the soul, this carnival of sadness? HAVE YOU STEELED YOURSELF TIMMY?
Timmy, there there now, come Timmy it is really not all that scary, I was just working you up, having some fun. Here come with me now, I will show you . Come past the flaming lake of forgotten miseries, the tower of the homunculus, climb with me into the chasm of future sight and descend with me finally into my recliners of unrelenting squishiness. YES! WE HAVE ARRIVED! WE ARE HERE! ARE YOU READY TIMMY? WHAT? NO I DO NOT HAVE ANY POPCORN! NO YOU CAN NOT TEXT WITH YOUR FRIENDS! FOR THE LOVE OF RAGNOR THE NINTEY HEADED MONKEY GOD OF VENGANCE PAY ATTENTION TIMMY! FIRST SLIDE!
This is my first birthday. See how my mother cringes in pain at my terrible howl! Her frock awash with my foamy bile, her eyes dead holding only the hope of a final release from my maniacal torments, I shall give it to her shortly. My Father useless, impotent troglodyte that he is, lurks, in the corner. He knows he will never be equal to the glorious man child his oafish seed has miraculously spawned. The bottle of Jack Daniels tilts towards his preposterously mustachioed lips. The muddy, brown poison drips down his chin and on to his crumpled torso, this is the only escape from his tormenting pointless existence. See too, the dog, mangy mongrel that he was, lying defeated in the corner. I have defecated in his food bowl for his slobbery disrespect of my face. HE HAS TASTED MY POWER AND HE WILL NOT CHALLENGE ME AGAIN! NEXT SLIDE!
Here I am Eleven years old. On a podium built from the skulls of my foolish enemies I cancel class presidential elections and declare myself Comandante' Imperial of the Fifth Grade for life. Some will question my decisions, challenge my authority but in the morning they will be nowhere to be found. My teacher, driven mad by a mixture of sexual arousal and terror in my presence, weeps uncontrollably in the fetal position. beneath her desk she tears away at her own hair and screams as shadows cross the wall.
See The Blonde girl with the pink overalls and the pigtails, the helpless look of fear in her eyes, this child is DOOMED! Yes you can plainly see she fears me and from that fear will grow into a lustful obsession, she will be seduced by my power. I will sweep her up turning her from the pathetic nothing that she is, into a glorious golden goddess clad in linens, silks, her every hair perfectly manicured, her every wish instantly catered to. I will allow, nay force her to rule over our fifth grade minions with an iron hand, dealing out pain and discipline to the obedient and disobedient alike. By October I will find her amusing no longer and cast her off to the masses she had once terrorized, she does not survive the winter. NEXT SLIDE!
This is me winning second place in a karate competition, it is impossible to tell here but the boy who stands, ignorantly smiling, with ridiculous childish smile, holding the absurdly oversized first place trophy, groveling in his shallow and pedantic victory? It is impossible to tell here, but within hours he will be dead his blood all ready coursing with a hyper deadly super venom of my own concoction. Later this same night, I will invade his house, destroy all his possessions and violently make passionate love to his Mother. By the morrow there is not a soul on Earth left alive who will ever utter this fools name again. NEXT SLIDE!
Here I am in my first basement laboratory, feverishly working amongst my Tesla coils, my chrome and iron bolt instruments red diodes and lights flash amongst the death rays, the weather controlling machine, my hideously ill conceived time travel device. My hair lies atop my head, askew cow licks shooting off in jagged directions, Oh by jove the smell down there! It was quite putrid! My those days were wonderful! Days have passed since I have seen the sunlight and months since I have had any meaningful contact with another human, save for my mutant hunchback slave, which I have whimsically named Igor in a moment of self aware meta-irony. True, these gloomy days before the world knew my unlimited mastery and power, were lonely but productive. Indeed, inspired by Malcolm Gladwell's Tipping Point I was determined to get in my requisite ten thousand hours of evil scientific experimenting necessary to attain a true mastery. In less than a year I will have mastered telekinesis, mind control, teleportation my neutrino pack lets me travel through walls invisibly, my arsenal of death rays weapons and gadgets render me unkillable walking death. I have... become... THE MIGHTIEST VILLAIN... IN THE WORLD. a lesson to be learned here Timmy, if you work hard and follow your dreams you can destroy anything. NEXT SLIDE!!!
Ahhhh yes! This Is my finest hour the formation of the Abominable Nation, a self declared rogue state populated by villains, were-people, the criminally insane and an endless army of demon lawyers who feared neither death nor paperwork, with me as their supreme leader! There is Mong the Destroyer, see how his muscles glimmer in the light from the fallout his purple hairy body stand defiantly, naked chest held up head held back, and there is Argo the rock Man! His giant boulder fists are smashing the ground creating a shock wave through the Earth, dirt and gravel fall from his muddy face and his grassy beard. And Oh My! There is Kelly the She Beast, She Beast indeed grrrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly, Kelly Kelly! As I recall her fur was downey soft but delightfully scratchy against the naked skin, her claws diamond infused into her very bones, capable of eviscerating thoughtlessly in a heartbeat but also of...
I Digress Timmy,you will forgive an old man and his musings won't you? There, Do you see me? Above the water fall of molten fire, Underneath the commandeered atomic bomb, held aloft by the fortified mecha-robot Ozymandias, there, the shining fluorescent blue, the seething red eyes? IT IS I!!!!! KID PSYCHO DESTROYER OF NATIONS!!!!!!! My gracious goodness those were the bad old days! The days of extreme violence, when murder was the norm and sweet bloody carnage was the expectation, the days of unregulated evil and mayhem!
This was of course before Atom man had fallen to Earth and began capturing criminals in his impenetrable dimensional prison, The Zap-King had risen from the electrocuted ruins of Nagasaki and the earthen spirit of Ra-Ka-Na-Seth had risen from his fiery subterranean prison to banish the world of evildoers. There was no Justice Squad, the Action Riders had not yet been paired with the Stallions of Destiny and the League Of Nations Fortress of Peace and Truth had not yet been erected on the lunar surface. No these were the days When a kid with just a cybernetic super eye, telekinesis, millions of dollars he had hypnotized world leaders into giving him, and a dream, could go out into the world and really create some chaos and terror, it was a different era when villains would tear down buildings with their bare hands and at the end of the day look back at their work and say "I built that". Its' not like it is today, what with unions and press conferences, time cards and paid time off for sickness and holidays. I tell you what Timmy the evil crime racket is a dying one! NEXT SLIDE!!!
Here I am pillaging Gibraltar. See the legions of foolish mortal soldiers being incinerated by the thousands as I rain fiery hell from the sky in my nega-armor. My hands above my head in a bodily expression of triumph, my eyes full of a throbbing manic joy as I begin my final assault on the city, an assault that will bring with it, for the millions of enraptured onlookers, CERTAIN DOOOOOOM!!! NEXT SLIDE!!!
This is the day your good for everything mother was born. Your grandmother formerly known as the Crystal Maiden, a beautiful sorceress of nearly unlimited power, now lies a shattered husk of a woman chained to her hospital bed, my prisoner for nearly a year, holds up our daughter to me, an offering to her husband and conquerer god. The rain falls through the bombed out roof of the Megalopolis hospital, The Crimson Tide, The Crystal Maiden's ex-lover and partner in justice suicidally attempted to take revenge on me for violating his woman, his severed mangled corpse lies a quivering mound of entrails and viscera a putrid bloody monument to his own unworthiness, tonight my new child and I shall feast upon his body and gain his powers. NEXT SLIDE!!!
This is the scene of my final defeat, but the shear volume of wanton chaos encapsulated in this single frame is in itself a form of victory. The Human Sun, erroneously thinking himself at advantage because of his immunity to my pyrochenesis, however his mutilated corpse, a flaming weapon in my very hands proves this notion false, the Power Brothers Who once billed themselves as the invincible arbiters of truth, plummet, both disembowled, entrails tied around each others necks, a tandem bicycle of
charred meat and cauterized blood spray. Super-Einstein JR. my greatest nemesis, master of the telekinetic arts and Tiger Beat's five time running, teen heart throb of the year, floats lifelessly, finally and quite brutally decapitated, his incredible brain melted to a boiling jelly.
It is Elnor the Ice Queen my lover, sometimes rival and supposed ally, whose betrayal is my final undoing. Seen here dousing our enemies in an icy blue wave of frost, her jagged silver and blue spandex costume seems to suck up all the color and warmth, in the open air around her. In just a few moments, at the instant that should be my greatest and final triumph, she will turn her ice ray upon me, hoping to steal the glory she was merely meant to languish in. Her one miscalculation, assuming that she would be able to finish the battle without my massive powers. It takes nearly an hour for the last few members of the now decimated Omega Force to overcome her but when they do their wrath is terrible, literally ripping her to pieces, her blood I'm told squirted out in blue crystalline daggers. NEXT SLIDE!!!!
These next pictures are a collage I put together in my elderly memories class In the top left corner I lie suspended in a massive piece of Earth, barely visible in the inky black depths. I suppose I was fortunate, all things considered trapped in my icy prison at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean for over thirty years, by the time I was exhumed, the world had forgotten the extent of my crimes, whole new generations of Villains had come and gone wreaking even greater levels of terror across the planet. At the center you will see me in chains standing before the World Court for Criminally Insane Meta-Individuals. I was sentenced to a paltry fifteen years, but served only five due to my now advanced age and prison over population Here is a picture of me staring out the window longingly at the irradiated waste that lies beyond, yearning for the freedom that lies there, slowly, painfully being penetrated by my cellmate Roscoe. In this final picture I am being ridiculed and laughed at as I discover that all my once futuristic gadgets and serums that once gave me godlike power and abilities are useless in the face of the now routine armor, security, and anti-psychic emitting devices. One kind, young girl feels pity for me and takes my hand as she escorts me from the building.
Well there you have it Timmy. The entire dastardly history of all my misdeeds and volatile violations. my origin, my rise to power, my greatest triumphs and my darkest hour of defeat, and now Timmy! NOW YOU MUST ACCEPT THE MANTLE! MY LAST LIVING MALE HEIR! YOU MUST RISE UP AND DESTROY TIMMY! GO NOW TIMMY! TIMMY! Timmy? God Damn it where the fuck did that little fucker go? Kids these days can't sit still for one fucking second! I SWEAR TO THE DARK LORD NEBUCHADNEZZAR AND ALL THINGS EVIL... THAT CHILD.... IS NOT GETTING ANYTHING... FOOOOOOOOOR HIIIIIIIIIIIIS BIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! MUHA MUHAHA MUHAWAHAHAHA MUHAWAHAHA!!!!!!"
You know Timmy I wasn't always an old man, I wasn't always able to shoot quantum death rays from my robot eye, why, when I was your age I was a strapping, handsome young lad not the charred and mangled visage you see before you. I was not always confined to this infernal floating mega chair, No Timmy! I tell you once I was POWERFUL! YES TIMMY! TRUE POWER LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER WIELDED...
Hahoho look at me go, Yes Timmy your old Grandpa has still got it.
What's that now? You'll have to speak up, my poor ears aren't what they used to be. How did I get this way? Why you young Rapscallion, when your mother was your age I would have set my irradiated ultra-hounds upon her for displaying such impudence. But oh well, you are a fine, evil young lad and I suspect my harshness with her in her youth may have been the thing which led her into such a vile, unspeakable life of community service.
BUT ENOUGH! TO KNOW MY STORY IS TO KNOW THE TRUE FACE OF CHAOS! Are you ready for these dark visions, this voyage into the abyss of the soul, this carnival of sadness? HAVE YOU STEELED YOURSELF TIMMY?
Timmy, there there now, come Timmy it is really not all that scary, I was just working you up, having some fun. Here come with me now, I will show you . Come past the flaming lake of forgotten miseries, the tower of the homunculus, climb with me into the chasm of future sight and descend with me finally into my recliners of unrelenting squishiness. YES! WE HAVE ARRIVED! WE ARE HERE! ARE YOU READY TIMMY? WHAT? NO I DO NOT HAVE ANY POPCORN! NO YOU CAN NOT TEXT WITH YOUR FRIENDS! FOR THE LOVE OF RAGNOR THE NINTEY HEADED MONKEY GOD OF VENGANCE PAY ATTENTION TIMMY! FIRST SLIDE!
This is my first birthday. See how my mother cringes in pain at my terrible howl! Her frock awash with my foamy bile, her eyes dead holding only the hope of a final release from my maniacal torments, I shall give it to her shortly. My Father useless, impotent troglodyte that he is, lurks, in the corner. He knows he will never be equal to the glorious man child his oafish seed has miraculously spawned. The bottle of Jack Daniels tilts towards his preposterously mustachioed lips. The muddy, brown poison drips down his chin and on to his crumpled torso, this is the only escape from his tormenting pointless existence. See too, the dog, mangy mongrel that he was, lying defeated in the corner. I have defecated in his food bowl for his slobbery disrespect of my face. HE HAS TASTED MY POWER AND HE WILL NOT CHALLENGE ME AGAIN! NEXT SLIDE!
Here I am Eleven years old. On a podium built from the skulls of my foolish enemies I cancel class presidential elections and declare myself Comandante' Imperial of the Fifth Grade for life. Some will question my decisions, challenge my authority but in the morning they will be nowhere to be found. My teacher, driven mad by a mixture of sexual arousal and terror in my presence, weeps uncontrollably in the fetal position. beneath her desk she tears away at her own hair and screams as shadows cross the wall.
See The Blonde girl with the pink overalls and the pigtails, the helpless look of fear in her eyes, this child is DOOMED! Yes you can plainly see she fears me and from that fear will grow into a lustful obsession, she will be seduced by my power. I will sweep her up turning her from the pathetic nothing that she is, into a glorious golden goddess clad in linens, silks, her every hair perfectly manicured, her every wish instantly catered to. I will allow, nay force her to rule over our fifth grade minions with an iron hand, dealing out pain and discipline to the obedient and disobedient alike. By October I will find her amusing no longer and cast her off to the masses she had once terrorized, she does not survive the winter. NEXT SLIDE!
This is me winning second place in a karate competition, it is impossible to tell here but the boy who stands, ignorantly smiling, with ridiculous childish smile, holding the absurdly oversized first place trophy, groveling in his shallow and pedantic victory? It is impossible to tell here, but within hours he will be dead his blood all ready coursing with a hyper deadly super venom of my own concoction. Later this same night, I will invade his house, destroy all his possessions and violently make passionate love to his Mother. By the morrow there is not a soul on Earth left alive who will ever utter this fools name again. NEXT SLIDE!
Here I am in my first basement laboratory, feverishly working amongst my Tesla coils, my chrome and iron bolt instruments red diodes and lights flash amongst the death rays, the weather controlling machine, my hideously ill conceived time travel device. My hair lies atop my head, askew cow licks shooting off in jagged directions, Oh by jove the smell down there! It was quite putrid! My those days were wonderful! Days have passed since I have seen the sunlight and months since I have had any meaningful contact with another human, save for my mutant hunchback slave, which I have whimsically named Igor in a moment of self aware meta-irony. True, these gloomy days before the world knew my unlimited mastery and power, were lonely but productive. Indeed, inspired by Malcolm Gladwell's Tipping Point I was determined to get in my requisite ten thousand hours of evil scientific experimenting necessary to attain a true mastery. In less than a year I will have mastered telekinesis, mind control, teleportation my neutrino pack lets me travel through walls invisibly, my arsenal of death rays weapons and gadgets render me unkillable walking death. I have... become... THE MIGHTIEST VILLAIN... IN THE WORLD. a lesson to be learned here Timmy, if you work hard and follow your dreams you can destroy anything. NEXT SLIDE!!!
Ahhhh yes! This Is my finest hour the formation of the Abominable Nation, a self declared rogue state populated by villains, were-people, the criminally insane and an endless army of demon lawyers who feared neither death nor paperwork, with me as their supreme leader! There is Mong the Destroyer, see how his muscles glimmer in the light from the fallout his purple hairy body stand defiantly, naked chest held up head held back, and there is Argo the rock Man! His giant boulder fists are smashing the ground creating a shock wave through the Earth, dirt and gravel fall from his muddy face and his grassy beard. And Oh My! There is Kelly the She Beast, She Beast indeed grrrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly, Kelly Kelly! As I recall her fur was downey soft but delightfully scratchy against the naked skin, her claws diamond infused into her very bones, capable of eviscerating thoughtlessly in a heartbeat but also of...
I Digress Timmy,you will forgive an old man and his musings won't you? There, Do you see me? Above the water fall of molten fire, Underneath the commandeered atomic bomb, held aloft by the fortified mecha-robot Ozymandias, there, the shining fluorescent blue, the seething red eyes? IT IS I!!!!! KID PSYCHO DESTROYER OF NATIONS!!!!!!! My gracious goodness those were the bad old days! The days of extreme violence, when murder was the norm and sweet bloody carnage was the expectation, the days of unregulated evil and mayhem!
This was of course before Atom man had fallen to Earth and began capturing criminals in his impenetrable dimensional prison, The Zap-King had risen from the electrocuted ruins of Nagasaki and the earthen spirit of Ra-Ka-Na-Seth had risen from his fiery subterranean prison to banish the world of evildoers. There was no Justice Squad, the Action Riders had not yet been paired with the Stallions of Destiny and the League Of Nations Fortress of Peace and Truth had not yet been erected on the lunar surface. No these were the days When a kid with just a cybernetic super eye, telekinesis, millions of dollars he had hypnotized world leaders into giving him, and a dream, could go out into the world and really create some chaos and terror, it was a different era when villains would tear down buildings with their bare hands and at the end of the day look back at their work and say "I built that". Its' not like it is today, what with unions and press conferences, time cards and paid time off for sickness and holidays. I tell you what Timmy the evil crime racket is a dying one! NEXT SLIDE!!!
Here I am pillaging Gibraltar. See the legions of foolish mortal soldiers being incinerated by the thousands as I rain fiery hell from the sky in my nega-armor. My hands above my head in a bodily expression of triumph, my eyes full of a throbbing manic joy as I begin my final assault on the city, an assault that will bring with it, for the millions of enraptured onlookers, CERTAIN DOOOOOOM!!! NEXT SLIDE!!!
This is the day your good for everything mother was born. Your grandmother formerly known as the Crystal Maiden, a beautiful sorceress of nearly unlimited power, now lies a shattered husk of a woman chained to her hospital bed, my prisoner for nearly a year, holds up our daughter to me, an offering to her husband and conquerer god. The rain falls through the bombed out roof of the Megalopolis hospital, The Crimson Tide, The Crystal Maiden's ex-lover and partner in justice suicidally attempted to take revenge on me for violating his woman, his severed mangled corpse lies a quivering mound of entrails and viscera a putrid bloody monument to his own unworthiness, tonight my new child and I shall feast upon his body and gain his powers. NEXT SLIDE!!!
This is the scene of my final defeat, but the shear volume of wanton chaos encapsulated in this single frame is in itself a form of victory. The Human Sun, erroneously thinking himself at advantage because of his immunity to my pyrochenesis, however his mutilated corpse, a flaming weapon in my very hands proves this notion false, the Power Brothers Who once billed themselves as the invincible arbiters of truth, plummet, both disembowled, entrails tied around each others necks, a tandem bicycle of
charred meat and cauterized blood spray. Super-Einstein JR. my greatest nemesis, master of the telekinetic arts and Tiger Beat's five time running, teen heart throb of the year, floats lifelessly, finally and quite brutally decapitated, his incredible brain melted to a boiling jelly.
It is Elnor the Ice Queen my lover, sometimes rival and supposed ally, whose betrayal is my final undoing. Seen here dousing our enemies in an icy blue wave of frost, her jagged silver and blue spandex costume seems to suck up all the color and warmth, in the open air around her. In just a few moments, at the instant that should be my greatest and final triumph, she will turn her ice ray upon me, hoping to steal the glory she was merely meant to languish in. Her one miscalculation, assuming that she would be able to finish the battle without my massive powers. It takes nearly an hour for the last few members of the now decimated Omega Force to overcome her but when they do their wrath is terrible, literally ripping her to pieces, her blood I'm told squirted out in blue crystalline daggers. NEXT SLIDE!!!!
These next pictures are a collage I put together in my elderly memories class In the top left corner I lie suspended in a massive piece of Earth, barely visible in the inky black depths. I suppose I was fortunate, all things considered trapped in my icy prison at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean for over thirty years, by the time I was exhumed, the world had forgotten the extent of my crimes, whole new generations of Villains had come and gone wreaking even greater levels of terror across the planet. At the center you will see me in chains standing before the World Court for Criminally Insane Meta-Individuals. I was sentenced to a paltry fifteen years, but served only five due to my now advanced age and prison over population Here is a picture of me staring out the window longingly at the irradiated waste that lies beyond, yearning for the freedom that lies there, slowly, painfully being penetrated by my cellmate Roscoe. In this final picture I am being ridiculed and laughed at as I discover that all my once futuristic gadgets and serums that once gave me godlike power and abilities are useless in the face of the now routine armor, security, and anti-psychic emitting devices. One kind, young girl feels pity for me and takes my hand as she escorts me from the building.
Well there you have it Timmy. The entire dastardly history of all my misdeeds and volatile violations. my origin, my rise to power, my greatest triumphs and my darkest hour of defeat, and now Timmy! NOW YOU MUST ACCEPT THE MANTLE! MY LAST LIVING MALE HEIR! YOU MUST RISE UP AND DESTROY TIMMY! GO NOW TIMMY! TIMMY! Timmy? God Damn it where the fuck did that little fucker go? Kids these days can't sit still for one fucking second! I SWEAR TO THE DARK LORD NEBUCHADNEZZAR AND ALL THINGS EVIL... THAT CHILD.... IS NOT GETTING ANYTHING... FOOOOOOOOOR HIIIIIIIIIIIIS BIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! MUHA MUHAHA MUHAWAHAHAHA MUHAWAHAHA!!!!!!"