In My Head

The alarm woke me up every morning at promptly 6:00 am. On weekends, of course, I would go straight back to sleep until my body couldn't rest any longer, but that particular morning was no weekend. It was, in fact, the first day of my senior year. As the familiar tune of System of a Down's "Chop Suey" screamed into my ear, I sat up with a jolt. Immediately, the blood rushed to my head and I had to lay back down for a few seconds until it went away. I checked around me to make sure everything was dry. Lately, I'd been experiencing highly embarrassing wet dreams. Mara claimed it was due to my sexual frustration. I never responded to her when she said that.

Reassured that everything was all good, I shut off the music and stood up to stretch. The nauseating aroma of eggs and bacon filled my room. Every year mom would make a big breakfast for school. I would pretend to enjoy the little I ate and would then sulk for the rest of the year. School wasn't the highlight of my life.

It wasn't until my clothes were picked out and I was in the shower when Mara appeared.

"It's our senior year Joonie!" Her singsong voice screeched in my ear. My daily headache made its appearance automatically. As I massaged my soapy head, I could feel her jumping up and down with excitement.

Mara, unlike myself, was the biggest social butterfly I knew. The irony of our situation still amazing me.

"Joonie!" Mara sounded horrified.

"What?" I groaned as I stepped out of the tub.

"You aren't seriously wearing this, are you?" I looked at my plaid shorts and white shirt and shrugged.

"That what I wear every other day." I said. Mara looked at me distastefully.

"Really, I have no idea how you're my brother. Don't you have any sense at all? It's the first day of our last year of high school! This is our time to make our big impressions.. make some friends."

I sighed and started dressing.

"You know you won't be making friends with anybody." I couldn't help but point out.

Silence.

Another sigh. "Can we just go to school already?"

"Don't forget your pills." She reminded me stiffly. I nodded and walked back into my room. On the desk, every morning, mom leaves a glass of water and two pills for my headache. I chugged it all in my gulp, grabbed my backpack, and dashed downstairs.

My plate was full of food on the dining table. I walked over and took a small bite of toast. Mom sat across from me with a bright smile on her face. It remained statue-like for minutes.

"Yes?" I asked.

Her smile widened. "It's your senior year."

"Yeah, mom, got that. Can I go to school now?"

She frowned. "You haven't touched your breakfast."

"That looks so amazingly delicious. Come on, eat it and tell me how it is." Mara whispered. I bit my tongue to resist talking to her. That would only upset mom.

"School jitters, mom. You know that. I'll eat when I get home." I kissed her and left the house. Mara pouted.

"How was your toast?" She asked sarcastically. I internally told her to fuck off. She recovered fast.

"Off to school!"

***

Edith High School has its own personality. The popularity doesn't depend on athletic status. Everyone is all kind of merged together. Band geeks and Cheerleaders are the same people, and football players are friends with the stoners. The integration is Edith's most promising factor, and our principle makes a point of it every year. The friendly atmosphere only makes a bigger point of showing what a freak I am.

As I parked, I noticed a group of people clustered together. They darted furtive glances at me but otherwise don't dare look. I haven't caught the eye of someone in years.

As we walked through, Mara was jumpy. She scanned the crowd looking for possible friends. Never mind the fact we knew everybody there, and vice versa. Never mind the fact that they hated us. I pushed my way threw the many people reuniting and find my locker. 3504. Combination: 16-31-4. I grabbed my binder for English, which is first period, and headed off in that direction. Mara's impatience with me grew.

"How do you expect anyone to like you if you head to class first thing like a little loser?" I shrugged her off. The hallway was crowded enough. I just had to focus on not looking like a lunatic.

"Seriously Joonie. You're cute enough. You might even be able to score a- oh her!" The surprise and enthusiasm in her voice was strong enough to stop me in my tracks. I looked around to find anything out of the ordinary. Nothing.

"You're crazy." I said. A girl walking by shot me a confused glance- was I talking to her?- and walked on. It wasn't until a second later when I realized I'd never seen her before. In my life.

Mara's triumphant grin shone. "Told you so." I didn't say anything. If anything, I walked faster than ever to class and sat down in the very back, popping my headphones in. It was only then that I was safe to think.

The girl. She was pretty. Longish brown hair. Brown eyes. Maybe a little bit too skinny. Pretty dress. Long white socks and some hiking boots. It was different. Not the normal different you'd find at Edith. The odd different. I imagined introducing myself to her, and instantly shook away the thought. She'd never be able to know. It wouldn't work.

In my mother's womb, I was twins with Mara. During birth, however, only I was conceived. This devastated my parents, eventually resulting in their divorce. It was the day after when I started hearing her. Of course, her mentality wasn't any farther than mine, so the majority of what I heard was cries and laughs and mumbles. She didn't understand anymore than I did. As I grew up it was a part of me. I would think something and she'd think something else. I could feel everything she felt or did. I could hear everything she thought or said. I had two brains instead of one, and it gave me a killer headache every morning. I learned that it wasn't normal to have to people inside of you quickly. I didn't want to give my parents a reason to ship me off. So I dealt with it. I didn't talk to Mara when people were around. She didn't (usually) bother me when they were. I could pretend that I was a normal outsider.

But If I made friends with that girl, with anyone, it would end in disaster. I'd mess up. I'd start responding to Mara. I'd trust her. I'd tell her everything. Not only would she run the hell away, she'd probably report me. It couldn't happen.

I shook my head and took my headphones out as class started.

Mara stayed silent, but I could feel everything.

Her despair.