In My Head

A week had passed. The insatiable hunger to fall asleep and never come back up was growing increasingly. Routine, as much as I enforce it, was a nightmare. My theory on keeping the same routine forever was that if I always do the same things, there would be no surprises in life. Wake up, go to school, come home. Everything is perfect and nothing interferes. Usually.

"Hi sweetie. Your father's on the phone." I set down the book I was reading and looked at the phone in her hand. You'd think with her desperation to keep me a normal teenage guy she'd get me a cell phone, and maybe some condoms. I guess she's still just a mom.

"What does he want?"

Her smile turned rigid. "Why don't you talk to him and find out?" Her voice was sickly sweet. Venemous. I didn't understand why she always wanted me to humor him. Mara thinks she's still in love with him, but I believe she's too sensible for that.

"Don't answer the phone." Mara urged me. I ignored her and took the phone.

"Yeah?"

"Buddy! How's school?" My father, Cliff Drakes. His voice made him sound like that of a video announcer's.

"The skirts are getting shorter as the years go by." This was at least something he could appreciate. His laugh boomed loud in my ear. Mara winced.

"Back when I was in school, I couldn't get your mother to hitch up her skirt for anything." I bet he couldn't. "So, hey, listen, I was wondering if you wanted to catch a game tonight? Maybe a movie?" I could hear Mara's loud no before she thought it.

"Don't you usually plan these things in advance?" As soon as he gets a new girlfriend. They like to see us bond together.

"A little spontaneity in life is good. So what do you say?" I clucked my tongue against the roof of the mouth and thought over my options. It would make mom happy. Movies didn't generally require talking, anyway. Plus, we already break the custody plan, wouldn't want him to reinforce it. Even though he probably wouldn't. I sighed, but agreed.

"I'm okay with a movie."

"Great! I'll pick you up at 8?"

"I do have a car, you know." I said.

"Right, right. Okay, see you then!" He was unusually enthusiastic. I furrowed my brows but shook off my creeping suspicion. Whatever his motivation was, it couldn't hurt anybody. At least, not anybody important to me. I brought the phone downstairs and gave it to mom. She smiled at me, grateful. Her happiness whenever I talked to dad made me feel so disgusted and sad for her. It was always the worst part of my day. I went back upstairs.

"Why did you have to do that?" Mara asked me. I rubbed my face over my hand and tried to ignore the hot anger I could feel her radiating.

"He's dad. I have to." She huffed and muttered various curse words.

"He's not dad. He's a man who left and betrayed and doesn't give two shits about us!"

Mara has issues with dad. Obviously. The reason for this is mainly because of her guilt. After her death our parents divorced immediately- his suitcase and belongings were gone overnight. The two losses of people she loved crushed my mother. For years she spent her life hollow. When I was only enough- 12 - I took charge of the household. I shopped, cooked, cleaned, and organized everything. It wasn't completely bad; mom returned to us slowly but surely. I had Mara to help me, too. She helped me through it all.

When I was a child dad spent more time with me, but as I grew older he kind of took it as his cue to leave. I didn't need him anymore. Mara has always felt responsible for him leaving us. Anger and guilt is a deadly combination.

"Why don't you go to sleep then?" This wasn't technically fair of me to say. She always had a harder time sleeping when I was awake. We figured she has the weaker brain.

"I just don't see why you want to. It's not like he ever showed you any love- or care." She said. I shrugged indifferently. She just didn't understand. There were so many obligations that I had: to keep mom happy, to keep the courts off our backs. I couldn't just blow it all off. Plus, to be honest, it was just something to do. I didn't get out much.

"Will you just shut up?" She did. I sighed. It was easier this way sometimes.

"Let's go."

***

Dad showed up 12 minutes late. I wouldn't hold it to him, if it wasn't for Mara talking my ear off.

"He probably won't even come. Ooh, then what would you want to see? I don't really want to see Red Dawn."

"If he doesn't come then we're going home." I said. She pouted. Suddenly, somebody put a hand on my shoulder and I jumped about a mile in the air.

"Whoa there. It's just me. You know, dad." It was absolutely pathetic that he felt the need to point that out. Dad smiled at me and took me in. I guess it made sense. He hadn't seen me in over a year. Mara suddenly became very cold and distant. I shrugged that off.

"Sorry." I said. He smiled again and nodded.

Cliff Drakes was a man of extreme confidence. He had shiny, soft tousles of brown hair, a good build, and an overwhelming amount of admirers. I'd never seen him lose his stride or break his exterior. He was solid, all the time.

Yet as I stood there, he shuffled from foot to foot. And he laughed nervously at nothing and everything every couple seconds. And he wouldn't look me in the eye.

He's nervous, I thought. He's fucking nervous. I almost laughed, despite the situation. The idea was ludicrous, but it stood right in front of me. My mind drifted off to how odd he seemed earlier. Something was definitely up.

"Uh, so what movie are we seeing?" His head snapped up and he looked at me as if realizing that I was there for the first time. I waited patiently.

"I was thinking we could check out Red Dawn?" Mara inwardly groaned. It made me smirk a little.

"Sure." He nodded and we walked over to the line. This theater I'd only been to about three or four times, all with dad. The movie was always his choice, and the snacks were always mine.

"My treat." He said, pulling out a twenty. I shrugged indifferently. He could waste his money.

After we got the tickets and my usual popcorn and coke, we went to the theaters to find our seats. No more conversation was needed. This was normal- this was okay. I settled into my seat and started popping the kernels at the bottom of the bag into my mouth. I always went for those first. My dad always claimed there was no logic to that, and I smiled for going against his logic and ate some more. That didn't happen, though, so I focused on the commercials. Every couple minutes I could feel his stare burn into the side of my head. It was unnerving. Mara was silent.

Finally, the movie started.

***

The movie was alright, at best. I hardly paid any attention- dad continued his staring spiel throughout the entire thing. It wasn't enough to outwardly voice it- I'd probably sound paranoid. But something was up. I'd ask Mara, but I'm pretty sure she paid as little attention to us as she could. If only dad knew.

Our usual routine is to spend five or so minutes talking about the movie, or school, or our completely separate lives, or whatever and be on our way. I could feel that this wasn't going to be the case before we even stepped outside of the theater. The air was different.

"Good movie. The boys are just getting too pretty, though." Sometimes I think my dad is gay. I cleared my throat and looked around us awkwardly. Instantaneously, we both started walking. I threw away the remains of my popcorn and drink and scuffled my feet against the ground. Mara was silent.

"Um, wanna get some dinner?" My dad asked. There was that nervousness again. I bit my lower lip.

"Where?" Dad shrugged and smiled.

"Wherever you want, I suppose." I nodded and we walked again. We walked past the many people chatting and past the many cars leaving and somehow, our feet steered us towards Red Robin. We walked in without a word.

"Table for two?" A beautiful and perky waitress asked us. Her eyes sparkled and her hair was glossy. Dad gave her a smile and asked for a booth. I followed them both without taking my eyes off of the ground.

"Your waiter will be with you in a moment." We nodded and things were silent again. I could feel my agitation growing, and Mara's disappearance wasn't helping things.

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about.. things." I nodded and waited for him to continue. He took a deep breath and played with his hands. They were fucking shaking.

"How is your mother?" He asked suddenly. I shrugged and squirmed in my seat. I didn't like it when he asked things like that. It made me uncomfortable.

"Um, she's fine." That was lame, but I couldn't spit anything else out. He nodded and furrowed his brows down at the table.

"What's-"

"-getting married." We both froze. What? My brain couldn't process this. My eyebrows shot straight up into heaven.

"Congratulations." I said this like it was more of a question. Dad stared at me for a good five seconds before looking back at his hands.

"How do you feel about that?" He asked. I didn't know what to make of this. When did he ever fucking care how I felt about things- anything?

"Who is she?" I asked. This made him uncomfortable, obviously. He was completely engaged with whatever his hands were doing. It was pretty pathetic. What fucking kid doesn't know who his own dad is getting married to? Who knows how long he's even been with her. Our waiter walked up to us.

"Hello folks. I'm Daniel and I'll be your server for this evening. Can I get y'all started with something to drink?" Mara would just go absolutely insane right now.

Where was Mara?

"Coke for me." Dad said. Daniel looked at me expectantly.

"I'll just have a water." Daniel smiled and nodded and walked off. Shit.

"Her name is Mabel." I couldn't possibly imagine dad with anyone named Mabel. She sounded 60.

"Mabel Smiths." My dad was smiling. "We met at an art gallery in the city. I was with Gabriella." Who? "And it was just like, wow. I hadn't felt anything like that since your mother." I didn't like to hear about that either. He sighed.

"She's pretty, gorgeous actually. You'd like her. She's got spirit. She's an art teacher at an elementary school for the deaf. She does charity stuff like that all the time." That doesn't sounds like her usual taste.

"Anyways, we're getting married. I know this is weird and sudden and I've been a fucking terrible father but I wanted you to know and I wanted to invite you." I nodded.

"Here you guys go." Daniel set our drinks down and asked if we were ready to order. Shit.

"I'll have the number four- extra onion." I liked onion. Dad ordered the same with no onion and no tomato.

"Are you getting my tux?" Dad smiled awkwardly.

"Sure. And um, would you like to meet her?" He's never actually asked me that in my life. Every time I met a girl it was entirely not my choice.

"Yeah, sure." I was probably the most unsupportive and lamest son ever. Ditto for him as a father.

"Well that's all I guess. I just wanted to clear some things with you."

For several minutes we said nothing, just stared all around us and sorted our thoughts out. I thought about how my life completely changed and I feel nothing. Am I numb?

"If you'd like to talk about this more-"

"I think I got the gist of it." He nodded. Five minutes later our food arrived.

"Well good." Dad said.

"Good."