December

A week passed, and I was starting to finally settle in to my new life. It was harder than I thought it would be, though. I was fighting the urges to hurt myself almost all the time. If I slept, it was during the day, and at night I was wide awake. Evan still wouldn't let me leave his sight as well. Things like changing clothing and showering, he'd just stand outside the door. If it was too quiet for too long, he said that's when he'd come in to check on me. I was able to suppress the self harm urges even during those times. It was hard, but I guess I deserve it for trying too late.

"Jesus, Ave, you're such a girl." Evan whined through the bathroom door. It was cracked open a sliver as I showered. "You're taking forever!"

"Shadduuuuup! I've been in here for 5 minutes, maybe , so calm yourself!" I yelled back, giggling as I washed my hair. "I'll make you a deal. I'll sing until I'm finished so you know I'm alright."

I could hear his heavy sigh through the door, "Fine."

I continued washing shampoo out of my hair before I began humming the tune of Seahaven's Honey Bee. I slowly began to sing the lyrics, louder as I went through the song.

I am a honeybee, breaking your heart, broke mine enough to kill me.
I let you feel my sting before my last bittersweet moments of flying.
I thought I heard you say something about being undeserving,
but this time not of a love so great, but of a pain inflicted so selfishly.

I think that you deserve some form of apology.
So here I am, and here it is. I'm sorry.


I stopped singing and started to space out, forgetting where I was, forgetting what I was doing. My mind wandered off to a much earlier memory, and everything around me in reality grew fuzzy.

"I'm leaving, you're mean!"

"Dinner is in a few minutes, so get your butt back here soon!" My mother yelled back. I stuck my 9 year old tongue out at her, stomping away through the back yard. I sat behind the tree trunk that was rooted in the farthest part of the yard.

I crossed my arms, making a "hmph!" noise, and brought my knees up to my chest. I mumbled under my breath about how my mom was such a "meanie" and how I "hated" her for yelling at me. Grumbling about my hatred distracted me from the boy who was standing over me, until he finally said something.

"Ave, you okay?" His voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I glared up at him. It was the boy from next door. He was turning 13 soon, I think. We used to play together a lot when we were both very little, but not as much anymore. Things like after school activities and new friends got in the way.

"My mom's a big meanie." I spat, kicking a rock away from me and into the grass. He laughed softly before sitting next to me. "She yelled at me and I didn't do anything, Evan!"

"That's silly. You know your mom was just looking out for you." He said, throwing his arm around my shoulders. I felt myself blush.

"She got mad because I was playing with a sharp knife." I whispered, burying my head in my knees. His grip tightened around my shoulders.

"Well, she has every right to be upset." Evan said, trying to reason with me. I shook my head, trying not to cry.

"I just wanted the thoughts to go away, those scary ones." I said, holding my wrist. Evan noticed, grabbing it from me and let his eyes fall over the small cuts on my skin. The one closest to my hand was the deepest, not deep enough for stitches at least.

"Avery, did you do this?" He asked, the tone of his voice holding more concern. I nodded, and that's when the tears started pouring out.

"Shit, wait here, I'll go get band-aids."



"Ave? You're really quiet..." Evan asked, now on the other side of the shower curtain. I snapped from my thoughts and gulped.

"Yeah, I'm fine!" I said too quickly, reaching for the soap, "Totally alright!" I forced a laugh while trying to shake the last of the soap from the bottle. Evan's footsteps trailed away out of the room. The bottle slipped from my hands and onto the shower floor, and just my luck, I somehow manage to trip over it. And, of course, I wasn't graceful with my fall at all.

"Fuck, Avery what happened?!" I heard Evan run back in and fling the shower curtain open. I rolled my eyes, laying in the shower in a crumpled heap.

"I'm fine, I just slipped," I rolled over onto my back, noticing Evan just staring at me with his face turning red. I sat up, and covered myself with whatever I could. Basically just my hands.

"S-sorry," Evan whispered before walking out of the room. He fully closed the door behind him. I quickly got out of the shower and threw on my clean clothes before walking back to his room. Shit, I can't believe how much of a klutz I can be. And my best friend just saw me completely naked. Cute. So, so cute.

Walking towards the bedroom, I saw the door wide open and Evan just curled up on his bed. I sighed, walking over to the bed before crawling to the side between the wall and his body. He wouldn't make eye contact with me.

"Hey, forget about what happened." I said, smiling. He laughed softly, finally looking at me once in awhile.

"I feel bad, I honestly didn't mean to! I thought you fell and got hurt badly, I got really paranoid I guess." He said shyly, blushing. My hand made its way to his, lacing our fingers together. We used to do this a lot. It was a best friend thing. Never as a romantic thing.

But this time, I felt strange when his hand gripped tight around mine. A good kind of strange.

"It's alright! I know you were just concerned. Although, I wouldn't doubt the fact that you totally took the opportunity to check me out. You used to peak down my shirt a lot when we were younger." I teased, shoving his shoulder jokingly. He blushed some more, laughing again.

"You just make me sound like a creep!" He said, shoving me back. I laughed, pulling the pillow from underneath me to smack him square in the face. "Hey!"

Evan sat up quickly, flipping over on top of me and began tickling me. I forgot how ticklish I get. I started laughing loudly, trying to squirm out of his grasp. I started kicking and gasping for air because I was laughing too much, and then Evan finally stopped. His hands hovered over me still, left on my hip, right laced into my hand between my fingers. I felt my breathing even out again, but my heartbeat was still speeding up. His eyes traveled up from my torso to my face, smiling down at me when he reached my eyes. I half smiled, nervous suddenly, and out of habit I bit my lip. His hand on my hip slowly traveled up my body to touch my face. Evan leaned down, close enough to kiss me-

"Fuck." He mumbled, shrugging before he got off of me and walked into the hall. Confused, I sat up until I heard him downstairs opening the front door, realising someone must have rang the doorbell. Weird, I didn't hear it go off. Frustrated with what just happened, I flung back onto the bed and buried myself under the blankets, forcing myself to sleep.