The Person Within Me

What the hell was happening?

It couldn’t be real, it couldn’t be real. No, it couldn’t be real. It was impossible. It was the headache and the exhaustion of the long day; it was making me imagine things. My own thoughts couldn’t be speaking back to me, that´s ridiculous.

The bathroom was silent, yet not at the same time. Not completely. There was something in the silence, something that made it unreal, a stillness that was just waiting.

“Oh, my God,” I gasped with tears threatening my eyes, “I´m going crazy.”

That´s rich. Now you´re actually talking alone, the voice inside my head scoffed amused.

My eyes went wide and my heart started pumping in my chest, a kind of pumping that was not like when I saw Tyler, the unwelcomed type. Oh shit. I started hyperventilating and I had to lean forward placing my hands in the sink as I lowered my head and closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing.

Oh, please. Get a hold of yourself, the voice said irritated. You´re making me feel dizzy.

I choked on a laugh. I´m making you feel dizzy? That was truly hilarious. You don´t even have a body, you´re just a part of my exhausted imagination.

There was a sensation of pure satisfaction within me. At least you´re addressing me directly.

I frowned and my mouth parted just slightly. Losing all memory of how I was supposed to breathe, I just stood there looking toward the mirror but not really seeing myself. I realized then that I had done just that, I had acknowledged the voice, I had spoken to it.

That was all it took, now I was losing it.

A sob parted its way through my lips, reminding me that I had to breathe. I ran my hands through my wild hair as I tried to make my breaths longer and not the shallow panting that seemed to be the only thing my disturbed body could manage.

And I´d really appreciate it if you stopped calling me ‘the voice’, I have a name you know. The voice said and I could already feel the irritation that came when I thought of it as ‘the voice’ again.

I shook my head. A name, of course it had a name. Something along the lines of multiple personality disorder, probably. I scoffed again at my own thought, terrified of the possible reality of it. I was breaking; right there in the bathroom of my high school, I was breaking. I could feel the small control over myself slip slowly and all I wanted to do was crumble to the floor and sleep until everything seemed like a big bad joke.

But of course that was impossible. The bell that signaled the end of the day rang throughout the hallways and all I could think about was how the bathroom was soon going to be filled with teenager girls gossiping about the day and staring at the poor little brown-haired girl who was losing her mind.

I looked once more in the mirror and swept my index finger under my eyes removing all traces of the few tears that had spilled. I took a deep breath trying to adopt and normal expression and walked out of the bathroom as the hallways started to fill. My teacher wasn’t pleased that I had taken all that time in the bathroom, but she decided to ignore me as I grabbed my bag and escaped to Hunter´s car without stopping at my locker. Homework was not important in the moment; I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it done if I was still hearing voices, anyway.

Just a couple of minutes later I saw Hunter as he made his way towards me, his earplugs hanging from each ear. The parking lot was full and we sat against the hood of his car waiting for my sister, he tried to make small talk but I could barely get two words out around the constant babbling of the voice inside my head.

I could sense Hunter was growing worried, he tried to get me to talk further but I could only try to hide my shaky hands and look around the lot in search for Sam. Where the hell was she taking her sweet time while here I was having a mental breakdown?

She´s probably whoring around, trying to see which guy will fall for those awful shorts, the voice said annoyed.

I wanted to roll my eyes at the statement, but the surprise of having thoughts that didn’t belong to me inside my head was driving me close to insanity.

“Shiloh, what the hell is wrong with you?” Hunter had to place himself right in front of me for me to actually see him. “Why do you seem so damn frightened? Did someone do something to you?” He was growing protective now; I had seen it a few times before, only when he thought something was seriously wrong with me.

I tried to shake my head as an answer, but he wanted me to talk, he wanted to appear normal or he wouldn’t believe it. “I´m fine.”

Of course you are, you´re always just fine. Aren´t you tired of never be something more than that?

Ignoring it was getting harder, but over Hunter´s shoulder I spotted Sam. She reached us, swinging her hips and smiling when she noticed someone checking her ass. Inside my head, the voice scoffed unimpressed by my sister´s immaturity. I couldn’t say I disagreed much. But then that meant that I was acknowledging it again.

In fact, I think I was far past the point where I thought I was imagining it.

“Next time you take this long, we´ll leave without you,” Hunter warned, already tired of Sam´s feigned carelessness.

The ride back home was filled with loud music and I could not be more grateful, that way I didn’t have to worry of a way to avoid conversation. My house wasn’t far from school and we were there in no time, Sam batted her eyelashes at Hunter as a goodbye and he told me to get some rest because ‘I looked like shit’. I agreed and saw the disappointment in his eyes when his statement didn’t get even a chuckle out of me.

I rushed my steps towards home and as soon as I crossed the doorway I saw my mom settling things at the table for lunch. I instantly knew it would be impossible for me to endure an entire lunch while I could hardly keep a hold on myself. I could feel the minutes of my control tick by, and the last thing that I wanted was for my family to see everything that going on in my head.

“I think I´m gonna skip lunch, mom,” I said making my way towards the staircase.

She looked at me confused, I never skipped lunch; I loved food too much. “Is something wrong, sweetie? Does your head still hurt?” She asked the last question more like an accusation.

But I shook my head and managed a small smile. “No, it doesn’t hurt at all. I´m just tired and I´d like to sleep a while.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, relief taking over her expression. “I´ll leave a plate in the microwave for you to eat later, then.”

“Yeah, thanks, mom,” I said already turning in the other direction.

I had to remind myself to take each step with a normal pace instead of running for my room like I much wanted to. If there was even a small hint that there was something wrong with me, my mom would not leave my side until I told her everything. And while I trusted her with everything about my small social life, I knew I could not tell her this. Not to her, not to anyone else.

Afraid they´ll think you´re crazy?

I ignored it again and shut the door to my room behind my back, closing my eyes somehow believing that because I was in the safe privacy of my room, everything would suddenly disappear. I don’t really blame you, the voice went on making my small shred of hope die, I don´t really want them to know about me either. You just barely let me in, let´s not let them try to lock me up again.

With both hands on my hair, I crouched on the ground and felt the tears of desperation that I was holding back break their way through. I wanted to curl on the floor and sob until I had no air inside me, but I could not risk someone hearing me. I couldn’t risk someone seeing me like this.

I thought I told you, you needed to get a breather, Shiloh, the voice said unimpressed by my torture. It gets suffocating in here when you forget to breathe.

My breath got caught in my throat and I stopped crying. It had called me by my name, just like my sister did or much like anyone else. Like we knew each other for a lifetime and she was just my friend annoyed by my lack of control and my over sensitivity.

A scoff. Of course I called you by your name; let´s not pretend we are the same person. I´m everything you´re not and I die of boredom with the petty little thing you call a life.

A name, of course, it had said it had a name. But I refused to believe that. I refuse to even want to acknowledge it; because it would mean everything was real. It would mean there was really someone inside me, that I was going crazy and, if what she knew about dual personalities was correct, that it would soon take over leaving me locked up for periods of time.

No, I refused to believe it had a name.

It´s Eva. There was maliciousness in the ring of her words, a hurtful and mean intent of making everything I always wanted melt away if my own thoughts- or rather hers- could convince me otherwise.

Eva. I flinched with silent tears at the weight of its legitimacy.

She laughed, rejoiced that all my walls were down and she could finally come in and build her own ideas. My mind was her territory now too, and she had so much she wanted to do with it. So many long years of standing in the sidelines waiting, observing and creating her own personality; one that collided with my own. Our mind; to do with it as she pleased and to scare me into wanting to use it for my own.

There was no more headache, of course there wasn’t. Because now she was here and after all the time it had taken her to weaken my mind enough to break her way to the surface. Now there was only the unreal silence in my head, one that was waiting for her to speak. Now there was only me and her, and the realization of that made me lose control completely.

I cried frustrated and frightened. My hands trembled fiercely and my knees weakened making me almost crumble to the floor. Almost, because I don’t remember actually getting there.

&&

She stood up and dusted the back of her jeans with her hands. Her index fingers ran under her brown eyes washing away the tears as she made her way to the adjunct bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror for a moment letting herself savor the first moment of freedom.

Eva smirked at her reflection. “Finally.”