Let the Walls Fall Down

“Demi? Where are you?” I heard my best friend, Selena, call through my house. Well my parent’s guest house where I have lived for the past few years. I haven’t seen Selena in months, pretty close to a year, it sucks that we’re not as close as we used to be which I take full blame for, but this girl will always hold a very special place in my heart. She was my first best friend and has always been the truest person in my life, outside of my family. No matter what kind of trouble I have gotten myself into, she was always right there by my side. She is also the only person that has ever told me when I was being completely stupid when I needed to hear it. For that I will always love her and will always call her my best friend.

“In my room.” I yelled. I was sitting on my bedroom floor going through boxes because I was preparing to move into my own apartment soon and I wanted to get rid of the clutter in my closets. I am a bit of a pack rat.

“Whoa, it looks like your closet threw up.” She joked as she entered my room and plopped down on my bed.

“It kind of did.” I laughed. “I’m trying to get rid of the crap I don’t need. I don’t want all of this clutter in my apartment.”

“I can’t believe you’re moving out. This place kind of seems like home.” She sighed. We both did a lot of growing up here.

“Time to put on my big girl pants.” I laughed again. When Selena didn’t laugh at this joke I finally looked up from the junk I was going through and saw the distress on her face. This is not my best friend, she doesn’t get sad, and she’s always so happy and carefree. The one person that brightens the room. But I know that when she is upset that something huge happened and that she needs a hug. So I got up off of the floor and went over to her and jumped on her, causing her to fall backwards onto my bed with my on top of her. I hugged her tightly, her arms immediately wrapped around my torso.

“What happened?” I asked her after I sat up on my bed and crossed my legs. Selena sighed and mimicked my position.

“Me and Justin broke up.” She said as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

“Oh my god.” I gasped. “Why?” I was sure that those two were going to get married one day.

“Well last week we talked on Skype and I told him that this distance was getting to me. You know after the whole Nick and Miley thing I have major trust issues with guys. We both have our careers and we understand each other. I didn’t mean for it to cause problems, and he swore he would never cheat on me, but I found out that he did. It hurts so bad.” She started to really cry now. I hated seeing her so broken, Selena is the strongest person I know and for her to be so broken breaks my own heart. I pulled her into my arms and held her as she cried on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” I said as I rested my cheek on her head.

“Thanks. You missed one crazy bashing party last night.” She chuckled softly through her tears.

“Bashing party?” I looked at her, raising my eyebrow curiously.

“After I finished shooting Wizards, I didn’t want to be alone so I text Francia and she put together a girls night with Jennifer, Ash and Charity. And they went to twitter to bash Justin. I told them not to, but it was pretty funny.” She smiled weakly. “I text you to come over but you never responded.”

“I’m so sorry hon, I was in the studio and my phone was off. But I am here now and we are going to have a spa day. Nothing helps a broken heart like a good massage and a mani/pedi.” I tried to cheer her up.

“That actually sounds wonderful. Thank you for always being there for me, you’re truly the most amazing best friend that I’ve ever had.” She hugged me tightly.

“You helped me through the hardest time in my life after I pushed you away, so if we can get through that then we can get through anything. You are practically my sister and I will always be here when you need me.” I told her as tears welled up in my eyes. I will never forget they day she called me after I entered rehab and she cried on the phone because she was so worried about me. We hadn’t spoken in over a year because she kept telling me that I was hurting myself with all of the drugs, the cutting and my bulimia, but I didn’t want to listen to her. I convinced myself that I was perfectly fine so I pushed her out of my life. Something that I will always regret because she was right, I hurt myself. But for her to be the first person to call me to see how I was doing meant the world to me and for that I could never live my life without her in it. That’s how I know that she is my true friend.

“Okay let me change out of my pajamas and we’ll leave.” I patted her leg and hopped off my bed, knocking over a box in the process. “Crap!” I yelled as I looked down at the mess. It was a box of pictures and they were scattered everywhere. I bent down to pick them up, as well as Selena.

“Oh wow, look at this.” Selena said as she handing me a picture.

I looked over at her confused, not knowing what would be so shocking. But I completely understood once I saw the picture in her hand. It was of me and my ex, Alex Deleon. We had our foreheads pressed together and our eyes were close. We both had cheesy grins on our faces. This felt like a lifetime ago. It was four year ago, I was only sixteen. Alex had came into my life at a really good time in my life. I had just hit success and it was all so new to me, the pressure was unbelievable and I already had problems. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world and made me believe in myself. He always treated me like a princess and got along with my family. But I was so young and naïve so I ended up breaking his heart. I wish I hadn’t but I can’t change it.

“You know when you were with him, you were the happiest I ever saw you. He helped you in so many ways that none of us ever could. You actually listened to him when he told you that you were beautiful just the way you were and that you didn’t need to harm yourself. That was the best point in your life, other than now of course.” Selena pointed out to me.

“Can’t do much about that now, can we?” I sighed.

“It’s never too late to fix things.” She shrugged. I looked back down at the picture and bit my lip. Then I spotted another one of us from the same day. I was kissing his cheek and he had a huge smile on his face. This really was a good point in my life.

“Oh my god! Demi, you’ll never believe what I just read!” my sister, Dallas, yelled through the house. She froze when she got to my room and saw Selena sitting on the floor with me. “Oh hey Selly.” She smiled awkwardly which got me curious.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her with furrowed eyebrows.

“Well, twitter is kind of blowing up about Selena’s break up…” she trailed off then mouth ‘sorry’ to Selena.

“Your point? It’s not like you to read into gossip.” I was getting more and more curious.

She shook her head, “anyways, I was going through the topic just to see if I have to kick any little kid’s butts for talking crap about Selly, since she is like another little sister to me, and I saw some familiar people fighting over dibs of her.”

“Oh my god. What the heck? Who?” Selena gasped.

“Some of Demi’s exes actually.” Dallas said as she pressed her lips together, trying to hide smile or hold back a laugh.

“Who the fuck?” my voice squeaked in astonishment.

“Alex Gaskarth, Alex Deleon and his friends Brian and Stephen.” She explained which caused me and Selena to burst into laughter at the irony.

“What’s so funny?” Dallas asked confused.

“We were just talking about Alex.” Selena told her as she held up the pictures.

“Well it looks like they want your beautiful booty.” Dallas joked.

“So you were saying, Selena?” I rolled my eyes playfully.

“Hey we all know he still loves you, but you won’t give him the time of day.” Selena raised her eyebrows at me.

“She’s right.” Dallas pointed to Selena.

“Because he deserves better than a girl who broke his heart.” I retorted.

“He should be the judge of that. You were both young then, and both have grown a lot since then. It wasn’t like you cheated on him, you just needed to get your shit together. And he still pines after you, so why don’t you reach out to him and see how things go?” Dallas told me. I sighed knowing that she and Selena are right. But I’m scared of rejection.

“Even if I was scared shitless, I have no idea how to get ahold of him.” I told them, trying to get out of this situation.

“Twitter, duh! I’m sure he would die if you tweeted him or direct messaged him. Hell I could direct message him your number and he’d shit himself trying to call you.” Dallas said in a sassy tone.

“Plus isn’t he friends with All Time Low and William Beckett? They are your in, just ask one of them to set up a dinner or something and you casually show up and strike up conversation with Alex. It’s not as difficult as you’re making it. And I would do anything to help you. I even have an idea in mind.” Selena said with a devious grin.

“No, neither of you meddle in this!” I scolded them. “And what about you huh?” I looked at Selena. “You never looked happier than when you were with Nick, and don’t lie.”

“I was happy with Nick, he was my first love and I will never forget that. But he never loved me like he should have. I was second best; Miley was always and probably will always be his first choice. Hell he wrote a song about him not wanting her to get married to Liam!” she exasperated.

“You know as well as I that he is a song writer, we all are, and we write how we feel in the moment. He has said it’s not how he feels, just in that moment in time when he found out about the engagement.” I retorted. “Plus he did write Stay about you.”

“And look where that got us. He left me, again. I can’t trust him; he hurt me by continuously choosing her. I won’t be anyone’s second choice. I deserve way better than that.” She sighed. I felt bad for pushing the issue, especially after her current heart break. But if she’s going to try and get me my happy ending then I want to help her find her happy ending.

“Like you said, we’ve all grown up. Maybe he has changed, you may not have seen that he was in love with you, but I did. He was just a teenage boy who was insanely confused. At least give him a chance to be your friend again.” I encouraged her.

“Fine, I will talk to him. But only as a friend.” She pointed a finger at me. “Plus I just got out of a relationship I don’t want to jump into another one so soon. And even if I was ready, I have another guy in mind. Someone who I hurt and wish I could take it back.” She looked down at the floor and bit her lip. I have no idea who she is talking about but I am determined to find out.

“As much as I want to pick your brain about who this mystery guy is, we should get this spa day going.” I said as I stood up. “You coming Dallas?”

“Duh! But we have to get sushi after.” She demanded.

I went into my bathroom to change and went I came out Dallas and Selena were whispering about something. Most likely they are plotting which is never good. But if this helps Selena get out of her break up funk then I won’t say anything. I text Nick, telling him to call me when he’s back in LA because I needed to talk to him. Then I let my presence be known. “So who is driving?” I asked as I grabbed my purse.

“I will! And Selly said we can so a slumber party tonight.” Dallas said excitedly as she clapped her hands.

The whole drive to the spa all I could think about was Alex and how scared I was to even speak to him again. I know it has been wrong of me to ignore him all of these years, but I have never felt worthy of Alex’s affection. I’ve never felt beautiful or good enough to be with anyone because of all the bullying I went through. Alex is the perfect guy and any girl would be lucky to be with him. And I always felt that he could do better than me. That’s why I had to break his heart, I have felt horribly ever since. Okay there was a period where I didn’t feel bad about it, but that was the lowest point in my life, I didn’t feel anything. I have been through many break ups, some were good, some were bad; I’ve broken a few hearts and I have had my heart broken. After Joe shattered my heart and I went to rehab I have put walls around my heart and I don’t want them to come crumbling down.

I have made it publicly known that I am single because I want to focus on my career and myself. I don’t need to be tied down with a relationship, but that’s not the truth. At first it was because I needed to stay focused on staying healthy and rebuilding my career, if I even had one to rebuild at the time. But now I am just too afraid of rejection and getting my heart broken again. I feel like if I get into a relationship and get hurt, or hurt someone that I will relapse to my old ways. It terrifies me that I could go spiraling down again. But I guess I have to jump in order to see if I land on my feet. I can’t stay hidden forever.

I pulled out my phone and opened my twitter app. @ddlovato: “If this is love, please don’t break me. I’m giving up so just catch me.” Maybe this time I will let you ;)