Zimmer 483

New York had grown cold as the months flew by. My apartment welcomed me back with a creeping chill that couldn’t even be cured when we got the electricity and such turned back on. What broke my heart was that Abby seemed to confused as to why we were back in this stuffy old apartment,
“No more vroom vroom?” She’d ask me on several occasions while suitcases were bring unpacked.
What am I even suppose to say to that? Her concept of a proper home was lost. I guess she’ll just have to get use to it…
As the months moved on; the snow that fell greeted my very own birthday. It was weird because I felt much older than 19. The things I’ve gone through, the daughter I have. She’ll be old enough to start preschool soon. I think she’s excited about that the most; it’s all she talks about. The day care I send her to while Emerald and I are at work (Bliss at school) already started preparing the little ones for that kind of environment. It’s a good thing to know that I won’t have to worry about her being scared to death on her first day.
I set down a plate of mini pancakes in front of Abby,
“Pancakes? But that’s breakfast!” She pushed the plate away with a pout.
“Fine,” I sniffed. “Don’t eat.” I took the plate away and just as I was about to turn away, she tugged on my shirt.
“I’ll eat it!” I smiled triumphantly and placed the plate back in front of her. “Can I put skittles on them?”
I took a seat next to her at the table and propped up my elbows as I looked at her with a smile, “Why would you put skittles on a pancake?”
“Cause it tastes good!” She clapped enthusiastically.
I shook my head, “I’ll tell you what; you can have SOME skittles AFTER you eat.”
She shrugged, not really caring for skittles at this point.
I moved away from the table as she ate and quietly watched Emerald who was again talking in a low voice to someone in Spanish. She spoke slowly, using the simplest words so I don’t think this was a family member she was speaking to. I noticed that these phone calls were getting more and more frequent as the New Year was arriving. If I bothered to ask, she’d usual dodge the question. I didn’t really mind but I was really curious. She seemed to be getting too secretive and it was making me a little uncomfortable.
Her eyes flickered to me and upon locking eyes she quickly moved into one of the bedrooms and closed the door behind her.

I sighed, I shouldn’t be worrying about this stuff. It’s gonna be January soon and I should really be planning Abby’s third birthday. The thing about this birthday is that I’m doing my best to distract her. Because of my Teen Mom status, I can’t really invite any of her day care friends over… Their parents are still judgmental and weren’t comfortable with me.
Another more important thing to worry about was moving… This apartment was small and sharing a room with Abby is not what it best. I wanted to get a bigger place, somewhere that Abby could have her own room. Maybe even a dog… Abby asked for one a month after we got back. I told her, “not now but maybe someday.”
I would hope to get out of here before her third birthday. It’d be nice to have a bigger space to celebrate in. Maybe we should move to another state?
“Boo!” I yelped as Abby wrapped her arms tightly around my legs.
“You scared me!” I clutched my chest playfully causing her to giggle for a few minutes. But her face grew serious… Almost confused with a hint of sadness. “Baby, what’s wrong?” I immediately crouched down to her eye level and cupped her face in my hands.
“When I was with Ms. Joy last time, the other kids talk abouts ‘daddy’s day.’ Ms. Joy said it’s when we have a party for all the daddy’s and stuff.”
“Oh…” I trailed off seeing where this was going. I could feel my heart in my throat, I wasn’t expecting this conversation for another 10 years. It would appear to have been easier explaining this to an older teenage Abby who might have understood better but as the question has surfaced now, there’s no point in avoiding it. Maybe at a younger age she’d adapt better than just having the truth slap her in the face when she’s 13 or something.
“Do I have a daddy?” She tilted her head, “Are Uncle Ankle and Ky my daddy’s?” She was really putting some thought into this.
I smiled softly at her and shook my head slowly, “No, no. Those are your uncles… Baby,” I searched for the words, “Some kids have a dad… which is like a girl and a boy. Mommy and Daddy…” I trailed off, even I was getting confused by my description.
“If you’re the girl then who’s the boy?” She questioned with a face.
I felt my muscles clench at the question, “Well… Only SOME kids have mommy’s AND daddy’s… Other kids just have mommy’s OR daddy’s.”
“So I only have a mommy?” She sounded disappointed, shuffling her feet and really analyzing what she’s been told.
“Yeah baby… It’s just me and you.”
“Oh.” She twisted her mouth and for a few minutes I was really concerned that she was going to cry.
But instead she smiled widely and asked, “Does that mean we celebrate mommy’s day two times?!” Her voice had grown excited and I let out my breath that I seem to have been holding.
“Anything you want.” I grinned.
She let out a small “yes” before scampering away happily.
I dusted myself off triumphantly before turning to the door to the bedroom that opened. Emerald slipped out with her back facing me and closed it lightly,
“Who were you talking to?”
She jumped and turned towards me, clutching her chest and cursing in Spanish; “God damn it Val. You scared me!”
I snickered, “Good. Cause that means you’re doing something you’re not supposed to be doing.” She scowled at me, “So. Is it a boyfriend or something?”
“Oh please.” She waved me off and tried to step around me but I took another step in front of her.
“Come on Em. Stop being so secretive, ever since we got back to New York you’ve been chatting it up with someone. Did you meet someone on the road?” I smirked, teasing her a little.
“You wish I did.” She chuckled, “Besides, curiosity killed the cat. It doesn’t matter right now.”
“Will it matter later?”
She seemed to freeze up a little, “Why do you want to know so badly?” She seemed on the edge and this only made me all the more curious as to who she was talking to.
I crossed my arms and studied her for a moment, she fidgeted under my gaze and it only made me even more concerned.
“Are you in some kind of trouble?” I asked softly, letting my arms go limp by my sides. “You’re being so secretive and it’s really concerning me. We’re supposed to be best friends; we should be able to tell each other anything. And if you’re in any kind of trouble, I can help you. No matter what.”
She shook her head quickly, eyes widening, “Oh no, no! It’s not anything like that at all!”
“So tell me!” I stomped my foot, getting tired of this stupid game she’s playing at. Was it really so serious that she couldn’t even tell me? I wonder if Bliss even knows.
“If I told you, you’d probably throw a bitch fit or something!” She was getting just as frustrated as I was.
“Do you not trust me that much anymore?!” I snapped, “Jesus Christ Em, has everything changed that much?”
“Well maybe it has!” She snapped back, causing me to recoil. “Maybe everything needs to change because you know sometimes you can act so immature about this whole situation.”
I felt my blood go hot, “What the FUCK are you talking about? Where is this even coming from? Is there a problem all of a sudden? Cause, you know, if anyone here has a problem with anyone it should be me after all you guys put me through.”
“Maybe if you weren’t such a child and grew the fuck up about the whole situation then we wouldn’t be having so many problems and you wouldn’t be acting like such a miserable bitch!”
We stared at each other intently, anger flashing in our eyes as we waited for one of us to break the eye contact. Instead, I spoke stiffly and carefully,
“I don’t know what brought this on Emerald. But you’re crossing the fucking line. You have no room to judge me and what I decide to do with my life at this point.”
“Maybe you wouldn’t be whining everyday about how hard your life is if you just told Bill the god damn truth about Abby!”
“You know what-“ I stopped myself, her words just registering to me. Emerald shouldn’t know about me lying to Bill. No one should besides Me. Emerald wasn’t even really present when I walked off with Bill as I assumed after her crazy antics she was dragged away.
I locked eyes with her again, “How do you know about me lying to Bill?”
She straightened and lifted her chin at me, “I don’t.” She tried.
“Oh don’t bullshit with me now, who have you been talking to? And how do they know what I said to Bill?”
“I only did what I thought was right.” Her voice softened.
“Stop beating around the bush and tell me!”
“It’s Tom Kaulitz. I've been talking to Tom Kaulitz.”
I felt myself go weak in the knees and I thought I was going to faint right then and there.
“When you went off to talk with Bill I was talking to Tom a little who was curious as to who we were. After everything, he found me at the bar the same night and told me about how Bill was. I felt awful but I’ll let you know now I was a good friend and didn't reveal the truth to Tom. But over these past couple of days, he’d been really concerned for his brother and has been wanting to talk to you.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and could already feel myself quivering out of fear, “What have you done?” Was the only thing I could ask as I fought to keep my cool.
“They’re visiting LA in two weeks. Tom managed to get a flight to New York and from here they’ll go to LA but they’ll be in the area for a couple of days. Maybe a week,” She paused to study my reaction. “I gave him our address. He deserves to have a conversation with you… It’s the least I could do after hearing about what’s been going on.”
I couldn't find it in me to even respond as all this information was swimming around in my head.
She twisted her mouth in sympathy, “It’d say I’m sorry… But there isn't anything to be sorry about. It’s time to take a little bit of responsibility. Maybe after you talk things out things will get better.”
“Please… Leave.” I took a side step to move out of her way and didn't even bother to look at her again as she sighed and left the small apartment.

I need a smoke.