Hope for the Hopeless

Thinking of what lied ahead gave me multiple headaches over the first month of summer. Even my friends whom had already chosen which path they were going to take in College couldn’t help me with my dilemma. I’d asked Spencer for any advice but all he was able to give me was “follow your heart”, which didn’t even help out at all. We visited a few colleges, none of which tickled my interest. I was about to give up when grandma made a considerable suggestion.

“Why don’t you try majoring in Arts? Arya, you’re very good at that.” she encouraged. I couldn’t argue with her, she’d been with me since birth and probably knows me more than myself. But majoring in Arts? Just the thought of it made my legs turn into jelly.

“I—uh, I...” I stammered, words had left my train of thoughts. “I don’t know, Nana. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this whole college thing.”

“Don’t be silly, sweetheart. I know you can do it.” Grandma’s words overwhelmed my entire being, as if she knew exactly what to say to push me into this. But panic still ran through my veins.

We talked about it. Spencer even came over to hear the good news. He was pretty ecstatic when he found out. They talked about several colleges, tuition fees and dormitories—things I wouldn’t be able to comprehend even if I tried. There was still a part of me who believed that I wasn’t cut out for anything, that maybe I’d end up being like Mom. It’s not like its bad thing though, but they’ve made so many wrong decisions that it sort of brought them too much trouble.

“Arya, hey you okay?” Spencer’s voice snapped me back to reality. He was looking at me with enthusiasm in his face. He was even more excited than I am.

I tried to hide the panic in my voice. “Yeah, I-I’m just thinking…” I trailed off.

“Listen, grandma said you can stay with Aunt Hazel. Remember her?”

Yeah, I remember her. She was the one who helped Mom raise Spencer and I. Aunt Hazel didn’t have any children, she couldn’t, which is why she gave most of her time taking care of us, including Mom. She left right after our parents’ burial; although we had no idea where she went, she just said she couldn’t bear to live here since it was too painful. We couldn’t blame her though; she was, after all, the closest person to Mom.

“Yeah, I remember her.” I answered.

“Well, we decided that you could stay with her—in London.”

I almost choked on air. She’s in London?! Are they kidding me? It is already bad enough that I agreed in going to College unprepared, and now this? I felt my knees start to shake involuntarily. But I tried to keep myself calmed down. The last thing we all want is a surprise lashing of emotions by yours truly.

“What? Why? There’re a lot of Universities here, why do I have to—”

“It’ll be better, sweetheart. Trust us.” Grandpa cut me off.

My insides stirred and I felt a twist in my stomach. It’s the same damn feeling I get whenever the nervousness overwhelms me. “I can’t, I-I don’t think—,”

“You’ll be alright, A.” Spencer consoled. “We all know you’ll do fine.”

He was right. Even I knew I was going to be alright, but he doesn’t know that I get weak whenever I’m alone. What if Aunt Hazel isn’t around all the time? What if she isn’t there when I need her the most? It scares me a lot that so many things can happen and I’ll be left alone to handle all of it.

“You’ve grown up to be wise young lady, Arya.” Grandma took the liberty of giving me the ‘grow-up-you’re-already-legal’ talk. And she was actually right. I am a grown-up. Kids my age would probably laugh at me for being such a spoiled idiot who can’t even make a decision for herself. But they can’t blame me, even I couldn’t blame me. I’ve had a tough childhood; I couldn’t deny that fact even if I tried.