Burn

“I’m sorry,” Rae murmured, closing Harry’s door behind her. It was the first words they had spoken since leaving his parents house. His brief amusement at Rae’s outburst had vanished, replaced with a cold silence. But she wasn’t sure where it was directed. “I never would have imagined that it was like that.”

“What do you mean?” he demanded, the vehemence in his voice startling her. His eyes were flashing as she stood in the hall, shrugging and looking down at her feet. She felt guilty, and now she knew he was angry at her. “I told you! I told you it was a bad idea!”

That was very true. He had told her it was a bad idea, and she had suggested going anyways. She had gotten so excited at the thought of making his parents see that he was a good person, at maybe having them like her too. She had never considered the mental stress it would put on him.

Rae felt very selfish. And she didn’t know what to do about it other than to apologize. But Harry was already angry, and his fists were already clenched. Apologizing wasn’t going to make him feel better any more. And she hated that. “I know you did,” she muttered, looking at him. He was glaring. “I just thought-"

“What?” he asked loudly, throwing his hands up. “That I was lying? That they weren’t really as bad as they said they were? Well there you have it, Rae. That is my fucked up family, the ones who don’t care about me or you. They just liked your name.”

Though she felt guilty, the girl was starting to feel angry. She had stuck up for him. “Why do you think I said something?” she demanded, cutting her eyes at him. They both were still standing in the hallway. “I get that now, okay? I made a mistake. That’s why I had us leave, why I said something to you.”

“If you had just listened to me in the first place-"

“But I didn’t!” she yelled, feeling desperation claw her. Having him blame her was the worst feeling in the whole world. because she knew it was true. and she was feeling the tears coming, no matter how hard she swallowed them. “Thank you for reminding me I’m a proper idiot! I understand. I fucked up, you don’t need to throw it in my face.”

“Throw it in your face?” he asked, looking at her through narrowed eyes. Now they were both pissed off, the room heating with tension. She had no idea how this had gone to an argument. But it did. “I’m not throwing it in your face!”

“Yes you are!” she stormed towards him, brushing past him roughly. Grabbing her phone that she had left on the couch, she made her way towards the door and he sidestepped, blocking her path. “You are throwing it in my face, and now you’re being a fucking asshole and blocking my way. Move.”

“You’re going to leave now?”

“Yes.”

Rae ducked under his arm quickly, storming down the hall. Her footsteps were thundering as she neared the door, her breath coming out in heated puffs. “You’re so impossible sometimes.”

The girl whirled. “I’m impossible?” she demanded, pointing to herself for exaggeration. “Me? The girl who just insulted your parents and screamed at them in the middle of dinner because I think you’re amazing? Oh okay, that makes perfect sense. Sorted.”

“If you would listen to me instead of disagreeing with me half the time, we wouldn’t even be arguing!” he shot back, walking towards her and throwing his hands up. They were now screaming at full volume, their shouts echoing in his house. “Just like that time when you got roofied-"

“Fucking A, did you seriously just bring that bloody incident up?” Rae was appalled. Harry always managed to do that, always managed to bring something up that was completely irrelevant to what they were talking about, just because he wanted to prove a point. And even though Rae knew he was right, she was too proud and hurt to admit it. “That has absolutely nothing to do with this and you know it. You’re such a fucking idiot sometimes.”

“Rae-"

“Fuck off.”

Turning to leave, Rae felt Harry grab her arm, spinning around to face him. She stumbled slightly but his steel grip kept her from falling. It was so abrupt that she was dizzy from it, leaning away from him and frowning. The last time he had grabbed her like that was when she had taken his alcohol from him.

Harry was towering over her. It was his moments of rage that she remembered how tall he was, and how small she was compared to him. His hand was sealed around her wrist, and though it didn’t hurt, it certainly was not comfortable. “Don’t start this.”

“Start what?” she seethed, baring her teeth at him. The anger she had for his parents was now being directed at him, and she knew it. But she couldn’t stop it. She was just so angry and it was all coming out of her. “Defending myself when you’re being a prick? What do you want me to do, shut up and let you walk around like you didn’t do anything wrong?”

“Wrong?!”

“Yes- W-R-O-N-G. It’s a word, look it up.”

Throwing her wrist away from him, he stormed away from her. Rae had recoiled wildly, snatching her wrist to her chest in shock and terror. He had never flung her hand like that. And she never wanted it to happen again. Licking her lips she watched him walk to the living room, hitting books off his table.

So she did the only thing she knew how to do in that situation. She turned on her heel and walked out of the house, making sure to slam the door as hard as she possibly could. She heard him scream something through the door, but she was already down the steps, tears streaming down her face as she juggled her keys to unlock her door.

Inside the car, she sat in the drivers seat for a moment. Closing her eyes, she let out a very loud, very shrill scream of rage. Screaming was bad for the throat, but good for the heart. And in that moment, Rae’s heart needed to scream as loud as it could, because it was tired of being quiet.

Turning on the car, she drove out of his house, wiping tears of guilt and anger from her eyes. Sometimes she wondered if every good thing about Harry was worth his rage. Sometimes, she wondered if her dad had been right. You’ll realize your job isn’t to fix that boy.

Walking into her home, Rae sniffed, looking up at the voices in her home. Louis and Trystan were sitting on the couch, their conversation stopping as she stood in the doorway, mascara running, eyes red. Her gaze went between the two for a moment.

Finally, Louis stood, giving her a tender look that she had never seen before. He opened his arms then, gesturing for her to come over. Rae broke out into a cry as she bolted down the hall and into Louis’ arms, crying as he wrapped his arms around her. “I know,” he said quietly, holding her tight. “He’ll apologize tomorrow. Don’t you think he’s going to let you go over a spat.”

“Love sucks,” she sobbed, squeezing her eyes shut.

No one said anything. And Rae could not see as Louis turned to Trystan his, eyebrows raised. Because for the first time, someone had called what was going on with Harry and Rae love. Trystan smiled sadly. “I know, Rae. It does.”

*

It was around six in the morning when Rae turned on the faucet to her large tub, filling it with hot water. Pulling her hair out of her face, she tiredly stripped down, the lack of sleep written all over her tired expression and the slowness with which she moved.

When she was finally in the hot water, she drew her knees into her chest so that the tops were barely peeking out of the water, setting her chin on them and hugging her knees with her arms. For a while, she sit there like that, closing her eyes and letting the heat warm her body.

All night she had tossed and turned. All she could think about was the way that Harry had yelled at her, and how he had blamed her. Deep down she knew that he was just hurting, that he was taking his anger out on her. But even that did not give her solace; it hurt her to know that his parents had hurt him that deeply.

In bed, she had time to think about everything that had happened. In bed, she was always able to think logically- some what, anyways. She had finally come up with a result, at four that morning: Harry wasn’t actually angry with her, he was angry that he had been right about his parents.

Though sometimes neither one of them realized it, Rae knew Harry better than either one of them understood. She knew the way he thought, and she knew the way he felt. Even if he hadn’t said so, she had seen the way he flinched at the dinner table when his mother spoke of him… no, he was not angry with her. At least not in the way it sounded.

But it made it no better. Sitting in that water, all she had left to feel was guilt. Guilt for making him go sit through that, and then guilt for even arguing with him last night. She should have known he was starting an argument to hide the hurt. It was a typical Harry move, and she hadn’t even caught it. At least, not until it was too late.

Rae wiped a solitary tear. Knowing that she was fighting with Harry sucked. She did not like having a tension between them. In fact, it bothered her so much that all she wanted to do was go to sleep and wake up when they weren’t fighting. But with him, she had no idea how long that was.

After her long, leisurely bath, Rae walked out and changed into lounging clothes. When she had just pulled her pants on, there was a soft knock on her door. Turning, she saw Trystan stick her head in. “Harry wants to see you,” she said quietly, her tone implying that she would throw him out on command. Rae’s heart jumped. She could not deny that knowing he had come here made her heart sore. “If it matters, he looks miserable.”

Rae chewed on her lip before sighing, sitting on her bed. “He can come up.”

Her best friend nodded before closing the door, her footsteps receding down the hall and down the steps. Rae took a couple of deep breaths. She planned on apologizing for everything, but she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to get it out when her tongue felt heavy with confusion.

The door opening made Rae look up, and all apologies left her mouth. Harry shut the door quietly behind him, looking at the ground. He was in sweats and a tank top, which made his arm muscles pronounced. But what she looked at, was the expression on his face as he looked at the ground. Misery was written there.

Rae leaned to the side slightly, trying to get a better look at his face which was staring at the ground. He glanced up at her through long lashes, taking in her caring expression. She wasn’t sure what it is that made him break but he bit his lip then, turning to the ground and letting a tear cascade down.

Rae was up in seconds, running to him as he covered his face. In a million years she would have never thought she would see Harry Styles cry. But now that she was, she was wrapping her arms around him, sliding gently down the ground with him and leaning against the door as he buried his face in her neck, as he let out sobs.

The girl’s small arms were wrapped around him tightly, her heart stabbing with each sound of grief he let out. She wanted to hold him tight into her chest, to squeeze the pain away. Seeing him like this was the worst thing she could have ever felt, and she was near tears herself.

“They hate me,” he cried into her skin, done with trying to suppress the tears that he had for years. Rae could here the sadness that had been built up for ages, painted on the boy layer after layer. “They will never love me.”

That single utterance of truth seemed to break him even more. It was like for the first time he had shared his biggest secret: that his parents lack of care for him ate at him every day, wearing him down slowly.

Years of parental ignorance led to the huge boy clutching onto the small girl as if she were the only thing in the entire world. After so long of not knowing what love felt like, it was painfully obvious that the boy had nothing left to do but cry. After swallowing every tear, shoving away every slight, every insult, after breaking every single bond with them, he was too tired to do it anymore.

And that shattered Rae’s heart.

Here was a boy, who’s biggest secret was that he wanted to be loved. And he couldn’t even get it from his parents. It was a story of a boy with the biggest heart, who received nothing, who never had it easy. It was a story that Rae had been so unfamiliar with, but was watching fold out in front of her.

“They don’t hate you,” she whispered, brushing his hair softly, kissing the top of his head. She clung to him for dear life, afraid to let him go. She never wanted to let him go as he lay in her chest. “They just don’t know how to love, Harry. And that is their curse.”

“So what is my curse? To never feel love?”

“No,” she murmured quietly, continuing the slow strokes through his hair. He was already calming. “Yours is to feel far deeper than everyone else.”

Rae had never spoken truer words.