Burn

It was warm out. There was a light breeze in the air, blowing across Rae’s back as she sad on the ground outside, watching the ripples across her pool from the wind. Her knees were tucked into her chest, her chin set upon them as she sat there, staring at the water.

Her eyes felt dry. And itchy. After the amount of crying she had done the past week, she knew that they would eventually feel like a desert, that her eyes would eventually just stop producing tears. She hated that it had gotten to that point, but she couldn’t help it.

In all her life, Rae had never felt so alone. No one understood how she felt, though Trystan was trying her hardest too. She wasn’t mad or annoyed with her best friend, she was thankful. But Trystan couldn’t really help. Rae tried her best to make her understand that, but she knew that Trystan was at a loss for what to do.

Empty. Empty is the best she could describe the way she felt. Everything without Harry had seemed to loose a little meaning, and she could barely understand why that was. Over and over in her mind, she could see the breaking point, that moment he lost control. She had pushed him right over that edge and he had snapped.

Rae relieved the sound of his crunching fist against the wall. It was like her own personal nightmare, that flash in his eyes and the sound of the wall. But the worst part about it wasn’t that he had done that. No, the worst part about it was that she had made him so angry that he had done that.

Sniffing, closed her eyes, feeling the wind going through her hair. It had been a week since she had spoken to anyone else other than those she worked with, Trystan and Louis. Louis had only come over for the first time yesterday, and all he had said was hello and gave her a look, a look that meant he would try and understand, but stay out of the way.

With her eyes closed, she could see all the pain built up in Harry. All the sadness in him. The fact that he thought she was trying to change him hurt her. She wasn’t trying to fix him to be like her, she was trying to fix him because he was broken, and because she thought that he was worth being whole.

Rae never thought that it could have gone so badly.

Thinking on it, maybe she was the one who was broken too. Rae, who painted out of the sadness of her mothers passing, the girl who’s father was so scared of losing her that he had forced a boy that she cared about out of her life with hatred. Rae never noticed that maybe she was the one with the problems.

Getting up, Rae left the warmth and comfort of the sun, walking back into her home. The house was empty, Trystan having to work, even though she had tried to take off. It was very quiet, save the sounds of the neighborhood through the walls of the house.

Padding upstairs, she walked into her studio, praying that she could find some sort of solace in art. Looking around, her eyes caught the picture of Harry that she had drawn. He looked so beautiful and so normal in the picture. Glancing at the floor, she gently ran her bare foot over the spot when her and Harry had first had sex. She was sure then that whatever they had, no matter how unusual, was permanent.

Ignoring the pain that shot through her, she grabbed her painting supplies, knowing painting her pain was better than drawing. Sitting down, she stared at the blank canvas, raising her brush and hesitating before she let the stroke fall. Her mind was blank. All she could see was the pain on his face over and over again.

Tilting her head down, she began to quake, gasping. She realized she was sobbing, and that choked cries were leaving her mouth. She was so sick of crying all the time. She threw the brush then, letting it hit the wall. Standing up, she kicked the tool, whirling and knocking over the easel in a tornado of anger and hurt.

A yell of hurt went through her as she crumbled, covering her face with her hand. She cried hard into her palms, not knowing what to do. She hated her father for whatever he had done, she hated Harry for making her this way, and she hated herself for being the one thing in the world that could make Harry so angry.

Hours later, Rae found herself sitting in the kitchen, a hot cup of tea in her hands. She had showered the tear stains from her face, and now was quiet, vowing herself to stop falling apart at every hour on the clock. Her damp hair hung in her face as she considered her tea. When she thought it was warm enough, she took a sip, letting it warm her from the inside out.

If painting could not help her, tea surely could. Absently, Rae reached her hand up to touch the necklace she always wore, the one that had been her mothers. She found strength in that necklace and took a deep breath, swallowing her sadness. It was while she was doing that, that there was a knock on the door.

Furrowing her brows, Rae got up and padded lightly to the door, opening it gently, just enough to see who was on her porch. She had not realized that it was pouring down rain outside. It must have started when she got into the shower, and continued on.

Leah stood in front of her, sympathy on her face. She carried a small bag, the contents of which Rae could not see. Leah’s blonde hair was damn from running up the path to Rae’s home, but she gave Rae a kind smile. “I brought chocolate. And lot’s of cookies. Nothing helps better than sweets, I should think.”

Rae wasn’t sure why, but the act made her think so much of her mother. Smiling just a bit, Rae opened the door and stood to the side, letting Leah in through the door. Though naturally the sight of Leah should have caused Rae sadness, it didn’t. Leah was a mother figure, and she brought comfort. “What are you doing, out in the rain?”

“Well if I cannot console one of you, I’m bloody well going to comfort the other,” she answered, her voice stern. It sounded like a scolding almost, that made Rae blink in surprise while Leah shed her coat and shoes. “Do you enjoy action films? I’ve just gotten this movie, The Avengers or something along the lines. We’re watching it.”

“We are?”

“That Hemsworth bloke is in it and he’s rather fit. And watching sad movies will do you no good, darling, no matter how much they say it will. So come along here.”

Surprisingly, Rae did as she was told. It was hard to believe, that eating sweets and sitting down on the couch with Leah could make her feel better, but it did. The task felt so normal, and it gave her no reason to be upset. it was then that she realized Leah was a mother; she was going to know how to do these things, even though her children were not old enough yet.

Despite herself, Rae chuckled a few times throughout the film. Nibbling on the sweets that Leah brought and drinking the tea that she had gave her warmth, and she no longer felt as empty, though Harry’s absence was still stronger than ever.

When the credits rolled in, Leah sighed, turning towards Rae. Rae took sudden interest in counting how many chocolate chips were in one of the cookies, knowing that it was time for the serious part. “Louis has already given me the full account of what has happened, so I don’t need to hear it again. So I’m just going to talk, alright?”

“Okay.”

Folding her hands, the other woman licked her lips. “The first thing you need to know, is to stop blaming yourself. It is no single persons fault, in a mix-up like this. There were too many elements and too many emotions running on high, and that is no single person’s doing. It was a collective effort, understand? So stop telling yourself late at night that it was you- it wasn’t.

“Second, you need to talk to your father. You need to tell him exactly how you feel, and you need to discuss what the meaning of being a human being is. I have no doubt in my heart and mind that the things he said- I’m sure you don’t know what he did say- were in his version of your best interest. However, that does not seem to be the end result.

“Third, do not give up on that by. No matter how you feel no matter what anyone says, if you love him, you better go after him or I will beat the bloody hell out of you. I haven’t time for stubbornness and neither do the both of you.”

Leah finished and sat back, pleased with what she had said. Rae blinked in surprised and thought over the words. Leah had hit many important points, but she had left out a few, probably because she wanted Rae to figure them out on her own. It seemed like something that she would do.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Rae admitted quietly, casting her green eyes up to the other woman. Leah raised a brow; she had just laid out the steps. “I’m… I’m not sure that I will ever be able to not fear Harry.”

She smiled sadly. “Do you ever thing, that Harry would ever let someone touch you? Do you ever think that he would hit you?” She shook her head. “He needs anger management, granted. But I’ve known him since he was a boy. He would not harm a hair on your head. Otherwise I would tell you to never see him again.”

“Everything just got so fucked up,” Rae whispered, replaying everything in her mind. “My dad, he’s just- he says these awful things, things I did not know he was capable of saying and I just got so careless. Why is it, that we always hurt the people we love, no matter how hard we try not to?”
“Because the people we love will forgive us.”

“I wouldn’t forgive me.” She shook her head and bit her lip. “Not after I left him. It was stupid.”
Leah stood then and gave Rae a look that she could only perceive as frustration. “Well maybe you should love yourself first. That’s what the tattoo says, yeah?”

Absently, Rae’s hands went to her ribs. She hit the fabric of her shirt, but knew the script was there, the ink that would forever mark her skin. Leah smiled, knowing Rae got the point. Rae needed to forgive herself before she forgave anyone else. With a nod, Leah left, pausing to kiss Rae on the head before walking out of the door.

With what she had said, Rae nodded to herself. And took a deep breath. “I am stupid, I am careless, and I should have been thinking,” she said out loud, voice stern. “But it is a mistake and I will learn from it. I forgive myself.”

And she did. A weight lifted from her shoulders and she relaxed into the couch. She did forgive herself, for those mistakes. She knew she would never make them again, and that she could only learn from them.

After a few minutes of breathing, Rae picked up her phone and dialed her fathers number, her hand steady. Her mouth was set in grim determination, as the phone rang on the other side. The sound of it picking up hit her ears, and she spoke before her father could. “I forgive you.”

“What?” He sounded very incredulous, whether because she had called him, or because he was confused at her voice she wasn’t sure. She could only imagine him, frowning.

“I forgive you,” she repeated slowly, nodding her head. “I forgive you for whatever it was that you said to Harry, though I do not wish to know. I forgive you for not understanding that Harry has become the key to my happiness, one that you have thrown away from me. I forgive you for thinking that you have my best interest, but making grave mistakes.”

“Rae… I don’t-"

“And because I forgive you, I need you to understand. I need you to understand that even though you do not know Harry, that even though you are scared of him, scared at the thought of him being with me, he makes me happy. He makes me feel like there is a life worth living, and like I can do anything in the world.

“Harry, for whatever is faults may be, is what I want, father. And I don’t know how to explain how I feel when he isn’t here, but I know that it doesn’t make me happy.” She paused, her voice breaking slightly. “I know that my happiness is all that should matter, and that’s what he is. So I forgive you. But don’t call me back until you understand, until you can grasp this. I love you.”

Hanging up the phone, she turned it off immediately. She did not want him calling her a million times to ask what her bizarre rant was. Closing her eyes, she sat there for a long time, letting what she had done sink in. But even though she had just forgiven her father, she knew it would be a little bit before she could face Harry. Because whether she liked it or not, it hadn’t mattered what Leah had said.

Rae Bastian was absolutely terrified by Harry Styles.