Burn

Liam and Niall lifted Harry from the car, carrying him up the steps. Harry wasn’t able to walk on his own, even though he swore up and down that he could. Zayn held the door open for them and Rae walked quietly behind, Louis carrying everything that had fallen out of Harry’s pockets. It seemed everything was repelling from him.

Inside, the boys set Harry down on the couch and he just lay there, too intoxicated to do much. Rae murmured a quick thank you, hurrying to the kitchen to get the trash bin. Trystan was already in their, gathering contents that helped when people were sick.

Back in the living room Trystan went about setting up Harry’s spot for the night. It was clear by his condition that he would not be moving for a bit. Rae then quickly went to the boys and hugged each and every one of them tightly, thanking them. She could not express her appreciation in words, but she was sure they saw it in her face.

When it seemed there was nothing left to do, they trickled out, telling Rae to call them if she needed anything. Louis stayed, though and so did Niall. Niall affirmed he did not feel comfortable leaving just yet, so he took up residence in the room Harry had stayed in the first time he’d ever slept here. Louis went to Trystan’s room, quietly saying goodnight.

Sitting herself on the arm of the chair, Rae looked down at Harry, wrapped in a blanket and on his side. For a moment his eyes were closed, but then they snapped open, a green tint etching in his color. She grimaced, knowing what was coming as he leaned forward a bit, heaving into the trash can.

Gently, she ran her fingers through his hair, very softly whispering words of comfort. She could feel him trembling underneath her hands as he retched time after time, nearly choking with the force. Rae closed her eyes, looking away, unable to see him struggling.

Though exhausted and too tired to do anything about it, she was angry at Harry. He had been so stupid, to go and do what he did. It didn’t matter how upset he was. He should have never… she could not imagine what would have happened, if Sean had harmed him, either drugs or physical wise.

Gasping for air, he leaned back on the couch, digging his nails in it like his life depending on it. Bending over, Rae grabbed a water bottle and rag, wiping his mouth and unscrewing the cap, handing him the bottle. He took small, baby sips out of it, trying not to overwhelm his stomach.

Nothing was said between them, for a while. She did not have anything to say to him, at least not while he was vomiting. So she remained quiet, brush his hair lightly and trying to comfort him, even though she was angry. She couldn’t show anger when he was so sick.

“Do you hate me?” he whispered after a while, his voice heavy with emotion. He was hugging the water bottle, his eyes fluttering closed, hiding their green color.

“No,” she murmured, looking at him. She thought that he looked quite like an angel, minus the fact that he was drunk and sick because of it. No, he looked beautiful no matter what. “I do not hate you.”

“But you’re angry with me.”

She almost laughed at the child-like quality in his voice. He did not scare her, not now, lying here like this. “Of course I’m angry with you,” she replied, watching as he turned to look up at her. “What you did was one of the stupidest things you’ve ever done. And I’m still angry about that hole in my wall.” A look of hurt flashed across his face. “But eventually, with work, I won’t be angry anymore. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week. But eventually.”

He nodded, looking away from her again. He focused on the wall as she continued to brush his hair lovingly. “I’m mad at me too.”

“You’re always mad at you, Harry. And that’s something you need to stop doing. You need to forgive yourself for whatever it is that’s torturing you.”

“I don’t know how.”

“You don’t have to know how,” she insisted. “It will come with time. But only you can change the way you feel. I’m here to help, but I can’t… I can’t make you like yourself.”

He shrugged. “I like who I am, when I’m with you.”

That made her smile. “Go to sleep, Harry.”

*

The next morning, Rae woke up curled up in one of the loveseats, her back stiff and her joints all sore from the sleeping position. She yawned and turned her head to see Harry laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, his hands folding gently on his stomach. He looked pensive, which she had never seen in the morning.

For a moment, everything that had happened the night before flashed to her mind, and she wondered if it was all just one fucked up dream. But looking around, she saw Niall’s shoes down the hall, and Harry’s shattered phone screen that had dropped from his pocket.

Everything that had seemed to be a nightmare was terrifyingly real. Sometimes, like was too real. It was like things you never though were possible, really were possible. Nightmares were not in sleep. Nightmares were reality, and they happened every day.

“What are you thinking?” Rae had not expected Harry to speak, so she looked at him in surprise. he was still staring at the ceiling, no expression on his face, save pulling his lip between his teeth. “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I was thinking, that I’m not sure how things got like this.” There was no point in lying. Harry made a pained expression, but did not look at her. She shifted, so that she was facing him. “I just don’t know how things got so insane, so out of control. That isn’t us. That isn’t who we are.”

“What if it is?”

“That’s not who I want us to be, Harry.”

He looked at her then. “You still want, ‘us’ though?”

She gave him a soft look. “Do you honestly think, that you could scare me away that easily? But don’t take that as a free pass. We need to work on things. A lot of things.”

Slowly, Harry got off of the couch and came over to her. She moved to stand but he shook his head, giving her a very serious look as he knelt down in front of her, putting his hands on her knees and looking her dead in the eyes. It gave her chills. He licked his lips, looking down. “I know we need to work on a lot of things,” he agreed, nodding slowly. “I will see someone about my anger, I will see someone about the drinking. I will do whatever it takes.”

“Harry-"

He shook his head. “I want to make this work. I love you, Rae. I have never in my life, thought of loving someone, but I think about loving you every day. I love the way you breath, the way your tears hit the page of a sad book, the way you frown at a painting when you’re not sure the color is right. I love every detail about you. And it terrifies me, but I love that it does.”

“I…”

“I grew up thinking that my cloud would never have a silver lining, that I would never find something that made he feel that breath of happiness, that light in the heart. You are my silver lining, Rae.”

Breathing was difficult, Rae found. Harry was practically fumbling over the words, trying to get them out correctly, squeezing her knees to get her to understand him, to believe him. All she could do was nod rapidly and touch her fingers to his cheek in understanding.

“I love you too. I always have. We will work on it.”

For a moment, they were silent. Then Harry smiled tiredly, laying his head in her lap, hugging her legs to his chest. “I’ve never told someone I love you before.”

“Not even family?”

He shook his head. “You are my family, Rae. And the others. They are too. They are the only family that I ever want.”

She kissed the top of his head. “They are the only ones you need.”

*

Two weeks later

“Seriously?” Rae asked, sitting at the cash register and watching Harry walk in, smiling brightly at her. He carried a bag and a tray of starbucks in his hand, whistling while the sunlight filtered in through the window to the store that Tuesday morning. “Starbucks? At ten in the morning? You don’t wake up before twelve.”

“Well I was worried you would be hungry,” he asserted, slitting the contents of the bag and the drink carrier over to her. She stared at them and then back up at Harry, who was now leaning on the counter, a smirk on his face. “It’s your faaaaavoriteeee.”

“You’re sucking up,” she stated with a huff, crossing her arms over her chest and leveling him with a look. She knew that it was true. Rae had refused to let Harry sleep over or vice versa, take her on a date, buy her anything, and had refused to so much as kiss him. “This is the third time you’ve woken up early to bring me some nonsense about worrying about me.”

“Ugh,” he dropped his head against the counter, a loud thud sounding with the contact. Rae had told him a million times already that they were taking things slow. She was humping back into nothing, no matter how much she loved him. She wanted a proper date first, and until he could do that, she refused to fall for it. “What does a lad have to do to woo a woman? I am at a loss.”

She shrugged, taking the drink and sipping it. She was thirsty, despite herself. He looked up at her hopefully and she gave him a glare. His face dropped again, which was amusing. “You figured it out once before, you’ll do it again.”

Harry snapped his head up then, looking at her wildly, a huge smile spreading across his face. Rae slowed her sipping, raising a single eyebrow as he stood straight up, snatching the bag off the counter and turning around. “UM, I WANTED THOSE.”

He turned around. “’Harold, I will not accept gifts as an apology.’”

She scrunched up her nose. “I do not sound like that.”

“Oh yes you do.”

“Where the hell are you going?”

He wagged his eyebrows. “To set up our date.”

“I’m not-"

“I’ll pick you up after work.”

Harry left the shop and Rae felt a smile approach her lips. He had finally figured it out. The first date they had ever gone on, Harry had forced her to go, not taking no for an answer. Rae kept saying no to all of his requests, biding her time and hoping he would get back to the first time they had began their relationship.

Rae laughed, shaking her brown hair. “I always knew he’d figure it out.”