Method to the Madness

I ended up just laying on my bed, trying to get all of these pessimistic thoughts from invading my mind. I needed something…anything… that would help Elias, and my mind was completely fried from doing any creative thinking of the sort. It was like my mind had given up on getting my best friend back, yet my heart was still insistent that it was possible. God, how bad I wanted it to be a possibility… how much further I fell each time progress slipped further from my grasp. If magic was beatable, it had a very shy and easily-hidden enemy.

I heard the door slide open but didn’t move from lying on the bed; whoever was there could deal with inhospitality if they wanted to see me. No, instead I pulled my legs closer to my chest and buried my face in my pillow to seek refuge from the headache that had put an end to my optimism and let the pessimism set in.

Binx was laying close to my side – he had become even more cuddly since Elias had disappeared and reappeared; I knew that he was reading my emotions and trying to comfort me. It was slightly comical considering he never did take much of a liking to Elias – even though he had united us – and took to a low, guttural growl every time he was around.

I closed my eyes and wanted to sleep, but that was when I heard Binx’s low growl from behind my ear. Strange… the only person that he ever had a problem with was Elias… I was absolutely positive that he wouldn’t be coming around here any time soon. Maybe Binx was finally finding his “wolfish” ways and going to start acting like a guard dog for me…

“Uhh…hi…” I heard the familiar voice stammer. I closed my eyes tighter, wondering if this was just a dream that he was here so soon. “Umm, sorry… I don’t really know what to say,, but… I know that I used to know you, be your friend, and I’m your Guardian so… ahh…yeah, I thought we could talk. Would you mind?”

I stabbed my teeth into my tongue to check if I was dreaming – because nothing can hurt in dreams, right? Nope… definitely not dreaming… or maybe that old myth was just a lie.

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times. Elias was standing over by the corner waiting for an invitation. He looked so awkward in the room; if it were most days, he would already be slouched on the bed beside me – except with the slight fear of Binx. He showed that same fear of Binx now, but looked as if this were the last place he wanted to be.

Immediately, I sat up, running my fingers through my hair to make sure it wasn’t all messed up. (I was a girl! I couldn’t help the fact that I wanted to look good for him.) My heart started beating as I realized that he really was standing in the room as he had so many times before. The greater part of me wanted to rush over to him and wrap my arms around him in a hug, but I restrained myself; that hadn’t worked so well the first time…

“Of course, Elias!” I responded to his question after an extended pause of trying to decipher the whole situation. Patting a place on the bed beside me, I said, “Why don’t you come sit? Unless… unless that makes you uncomfortable… Then you can stay… standing or something?” I never was the conversationalist of the two of us; my skills had been slightly underdeveloped since waking up in Purgatory.

He walked slowly over to me at an uncomfortable pace, slowly glancing between Binx and me.

“Down boy!” I ordered to the pup who was cuddled into my side now that I had disturbed his position while I was lying on the bed. “It’s just Elias. You know Elias!” Not that that was a very good argument for him; he growled at him whether he had a memory or not. Binx relaxed slightly though, as I stroked my fingers through his thick fur.

Elias met with the corner of the bed and took a seat there, a whole mattress-length away from where I sat at the head of the bed. “So?” He started, though I could sense the hesitation.

“So, what?” I questioned, slightly upset that there were no more questions. ‘I’m your Guardian,’ he had stated, but didn’t seem to care to adventure those details any further. “You really can’t remember anything?”

“No, nothing! Except what people keep telling me… I’m a Guardian – I’m your Guardian, but that means nothing to me.” He stated.

The tears started to fall then. God, I had thought I was over those… It hurt to be sitting so distantly from him. To want to throw my arms around him and hold him close to me. To be having such an awkward start to a conversation that had always seemed so effortless before. All of it completely diminished my hopes that I could have him back.

“Oh!” He stuttered. “I’m sorry! I didn’t – I didn’t mean to make you cry!” He had hopped up from his seat and was headed towards me but was discouraged by the snarl that reanimated Binx’s face. “What is his problem with me?”

“You’re the one who gave him to me.” I explained. “Guess he kind of has sour feelings that you took him out of whatever is outside of Purgatory…even though he’s happy here.”

“I found him? For you?” He asked awkwardly in amazement. I nodded and grabbed his wrist, guiding him to pet Binx’s snout – whilst also accomplishing my ulterior motive of being able to feel him again. Binx complied with a slight piece of resistance but seemed to understand. My fingers were trembling from the touch of his skin and the feel of his breath on my skin as he reached across me to pet Binx made me shiver almost unnoticeably.

“I’m sorry!” Elias apologized again after he had pulled away. He looked so helpless and lost that I wanted to take his hands and tell him everything was ok. Then again, it wasn’t… I didn’t even have the luxury of being able to be friends with him the way we had before, so everything was not ok.

Suddenly, I felt a sense of rage. Maybe it was at whoever had done such a thing as taking away his memory; maybe it was at him for wandering away from Purgatory. Didn’t he know that I had loved him too much for him to go making stupid mistakes like that?!

“Maybe Oliver was stupid for making me come here in the first place. The last thing I want to do is hurt you more!” Elias said and my heart fluttered.

Still, a few words were out of place… “Oliver sent you?!” I cried even harder than I had before. It was hard enough having an awkward conversation with my lost best friend, and secret crush, but it was worse knowing that he hadn’t done so on his own accord – that he was being forced to do so. “Did you even care about the girl that went running away crying when you didn’t remember her?!”

“No, 0074 – “ he stuttered.

“Elias, you have no idea how badly I want to help you and get you back,” I spoke quickly between sobbing convulsions, “but please – I need to be alone right now! Please go!”

He backed away from me, surrendering that he had no words to say to make me feel better for the moment. “I’m sorry!” He called before retreating out of the room like a scared dog with his tail between his legs.

Instantly, I collapsed my face back into the pillow and let the sobs come as hard as they pleased. When I had first heard the door makes its noises of entry, I had hoped for nothing more than it to be reality that Elias was coming to visit me; now I wished it to be nothing more than a dream…