All of It

“Jessica,” I ran a hand through my shaggy, brown hair that desperately needed cutting, “We need to talk.”

“We need to talk?” Worry immediately filled Jessica forest green eyes. The four dreaded words in any relationship. “About what?”

I let out a heavy sigh. One of those sighs that is merely a vain attempt at releasing all the pent up stress and pressure. “We need to stop kidding ourselves. We both know we can’t keep going like this. Half of my heart wants me to keep on loving you. The other half knows that we’re not each other’s one true love and it’s not right for either of us to keep loving each other in this way. It’s not fair.”

“So you’re breaking up with me? Are you kidding me?” Her voice boiled with anger as she stood up and stormed to the door, “You can’t be serious. You know I saw right through you the moment I met you and your rubbish about how you don’t believe in love and how you were meant to be alone because you liked being free to roam and making a home out of every country and every girls’ bed you’ve been in. I know what you are Harry. You’re scared. You’re too scared to let loose and give yourself to someone completely. You’re scared to love so you push away everyone and anyone who wants more than a one night stand. You’re scared of failing so you don’t even try. God I hope you realize that if you don’t change, you’re going to waste your entire life trying to find the perfect lover, when you should be creating the perfect love.”

The last I saw of Jessica was her blonde hair whipping around her as she left me and the place we called home together.

Together.

Are we even still together? No, I made that clear and she made that clear. We were indeed no longer together.

Now here I am again. Alone. Just like I was meant to be.

What did Jessica do to me? Before her, I always thought I was the type of guy who would never fall in love. I made a plan to stay the man that who can only love himself. Then she came along and she showed me how real love was and all that my love could bring.

I need a beer or six.

I grabbed my keys and my coat and I went to Old Paul’s, a trusty pub down the street. It was a hole in the wall kind of place where paparazzi wouldn’t dare look.

“I’ll take a pint of Carlsberg,” I told the bartender, settling into a stool, praying no one would recognize me.

She was so mad. But this was for the best. She just didn't understand that I’m not supposed to love. I can’t love. I’m on the road and she’s going to be a nurse. She just doesn't get it. Why doesn’t she understand that, that:

Half of my heart keeps imagining us together.

Romantic getaways. Getting married. Having kids.

Half of my heart keeps reminding me that I have her. I can call her right now and fix this. Take it all back.

But I can’t do that. I can’t take it back. Loving her with half of my heart just won’t do.

Half of my heart keeps telling me that I have a grip on the situation and know that staying together wouldn’t be fair to her.

She would regret all of this because I wouldn’t be able to love her with all of my heart.

But I know that I can’t stop loving her.

Half of my heart knows that I would marry her right now and would do anything to have her.

But if I did, she would hate me.

Maybe I don’t really love her but this romanticized version of her that only exists in my head.

“You should slow down, stranger,” The busty blonde bartender purred, “If you plan on getting drunk, I think tequila’s the answer.”

I sized her up, if I squinted hard enough, she looked like Jessica. “But you don’t even know the question.”

“With a boy as good looking as you, the question is always a girl.”

“I just don’t understand why she can’t understand. I’m not made for the long haul. She has so much faith in me. I don’t think she realizes that I can really only fall short for so long,” I finished off the pint. “Another, please.”

“What, is that your fifth? It’s not even six o’clock yet,” She smiled.

“I need it,” I mumbled. I thought about maybe hitting up a club, one of those teeny bopper clubs, where I can find a girl. Any girl. Maybe even a strip club.

“Whatever it is you think you need that for, maybe you shouldn’t.” She wiped down the counter, giving me a cool once over.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I took my wallet out and fished out some bills.

“Your money’s no good tonight. Just do me a favor. Whatever you’re about to do please don’t. Because it’s not going to help.”

“Thank you for the drinks,” I placed a few bills on the counter as a tip, “But I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I mumbled, not meeting her eyes. How did she know what I was planning? I half-walked, half-stumbled out of Old Paul’s. I paused and my feet started to carry me home, without thinking.

Maybe I am scared like Jessica said.

Maybe I should call her.

Maybe I’ve had too many beers.

“Hello?” Her smooth soprano was like an ice bath, shocking me back to reality.

“Jess,” was all I could say. How many beers did I have?

“Harry. Why are you calling me?”

“I’ve been thinking. A lot. Well not really a lot. But it feels like my mind has been going a mile a minute and I think you’re wrong. I’m not going to waste my entire life trying to find the perfect lover because you can't create a perfect relationship with an imperfect person. Even "perfect for each other" is a delusion. Either there'll be something about you that bugs me, or I’m so blinded by desperation that I don't recognize the flaws and neither of those is a perfect relationship. And there are no perfect people, so all relationships are essentially settling. That’s why relationships are inherently unstable: our dissatisfaction must at all times compete with our fear of losing them and never finding another as good. So looking for the perfect lover is a waste of time, but so is trying to create the perfect love. Either way, we're all fucked.”

“I guess you’re right. No love is perfect. There is no fairy tale relationship. There will be mistakes, and disappointments, and fights. There will be heartbreak. But it's that love that makes us grow, both together and as individuals. It's that love that will be the backbone in our lives. It's that love that's worth embracing and fighting for. Don’t you think?”

“I miss you.”

“It hasn’t even been a day.”

“I’ve been drinking.”

“I can tell and you know you shouldn’t.”

“I miss you.”

“With half of your heart or all of it?”

“All of it.”

Silence.

“I’m scared with all of my heart too. You were right about that. I’m scared. I’m scared of a lot of things. But right now, I’m most scared of losing you. With all of my heart.”

Silence.

“So come home. Come home so we can be together and love each other as imperfect as we are.”

Silence.

“Please say something. Please remind me that I’m not alone anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

The door burst open and there she was. Her cellphone pressed to ear, tears streaming down her face. “You’re not alone.”

Here I am in uncharted territory and its okay because I’m not alone and I’m not afraid to love with all of my heart.