Some Call it Teen Angst, I Think I'm Just Crazy

Well hi there!

If you're reading this well kudos to you. I never thought anyone would give a damn about what I have to say! And hey if you know that the title of this....well I guess we could call it journal entry is from that Nick Jonas song in Camp Rock 2, well I automatically like you even more.

So if you read the brief explanation of what this would be all about, you know some of the basic details about me. Like my name, Bella. Not short for Isabella or anything, and don't you dare compare me to Bella from Twilight. I'm still pissed we share a name. But whatever, I blame Stephenie Meyer and her crazy fucked up dreams. Well anyway, you also know that I am a teenage girl who attends a public highschool-lucky me right? And you know all about my well I call them quirks, but all the doctors and therapists call them disorders.

People often miscontrue the who disorders thing. Like, yeah I have them, but it doesn't mean I am them if that makes any sense to you?

And plus if I didn't tell you, you might never even know. Well, I mean you might just think that I'm a little bit weird.

Because really it's not as bad as all of the stupid medical terms make it seem.

I mean, yeah I'm a little bit set in my ways. And maybe I have to wash my hands twice, and count, and touch things to keep myself from losing it. Okay and maybe I don't do well with changes that I have no control over. And maybe some days I'm sad for absolutely no reason at all, even when I have every reason to be happy. And like maybe I can't get up in front of people and talk, or like be in crowded places, or in any really stressful situations without having a panic attack. But really I'm just like everyone else...kind of.

Either way, I am first and foremost a teenage girl.

No, I am not popular at school. Actually I'm pretty far from it. Some people think I'm weird because of the disorders. Some people think I'm weird for the music I listen to, and the clothes I wear. Very few people think I'm weird because they actually know me.

I wouldn't say I don't have any friends because that would be a lie. I have friends, and I love them. They're a lot like me in that they aren't into the things everyone else our age is. Like me, they are into music, and arts, and all the other things the popular kids turn up their noses at.

I wouldn't say that the rest of the school population doesn't like us...Actually that's a lie. They don't really like us. Tolerate us yes, like us? Not so much.

Why don't they like us? Well I can sum it up for you in a single sentence.

We believe in doing/letting others do whatever it takes to love themselves.

Now let me explain before you get the wrong idea.

We believe that you should do whatever it is that makes you happy. If that means dying your hair, or getting tattoos and peircings then we accept that. If that means wearing all black, or wearing all neon colors we accept that. If it means being an artist or a dancer or a musician instead of going to an ivy league school we accept that. If it means being with someone of the same gender, or changing your own gender to match who you think you are we accept that. We accept it all if it makes you happy.

Because who are we to judge what it takes to make others happy?

So our ecclectic group of friends who dye their hair obnoxious colors, and have piercings and tattoos, and care more about music than school, who wear neon skinny jeans, or all black, who wear combat boots, and certainly march to the beat of their own drums, are not exactly in the running for most popular.

I couldn't be more okay with that though. Because we are trying to find who it is we plan to be in this world. And those kids who turn up their noses at us like we are absolute trash, well who needs them anyway?

I'd rather have a small group of real friends, than a big group of backstabbers.

I seem to have gotten off track... That happens a lot. My therapist says it's because my anxiety makes there be a lot of things going on in my head at once, and I ramble to try and get them all out, and to relieve some of the pressure I feel.

Honestly I think I'm just crazy. But I don't think I'd have it any other way.

The point is... well I'm not sure I have one. All I'm trying to do with this journal type thingy is figure some things out, and fall in love.

Yeah I know you're like, what? Where did that come from? Maybe she really is crazy!

But no.

What I mean is this. I figure if I write this all out, all the jumbled up thoughts in my head, and all the shit in my angsty teenage life, which I will admit has some very sit-com worthy moments, I can fall in love with my life, feel like it's really worth something in some way.

I want to fall in love with myself, be able to look in the mirror and smile at the girl looking back at me. I don't want to be just the girl with all those disorders and issues, I want to be Bella. Just Bella. I want people to love me or hate me for who I am not what I am.

And hey, as my therapist says, "Once you love yourself, you find yourself able to accept the love of others".

I mean it's not like I ever have much luck in the romance department... But maybe just maybe this whole figuring out who I am and learning to love myself thing will bring some better luck romantically!

Alright so I think I've probably rambled enough for today, but if you still for some crazy reason want to hear more about my journey to loving myself and who knows maybe a cute boy, you can check back in with me later :)