Easy to Fall in Love

I was so into my plans that it didn’t realize how late it actually was. I needed sleep. First thing in the morning, I told myself. No goodbyes, just leave; kind of like ripping off a bandage—quick and only a short sting. I sat in the middle of my bed quiet for a minute, staring at all my packed suitcases. I couldn’t even remember how I got here. It all happened so fast. And now it would all be gone in a few hours.

I woke up slowly and couldn’t remember where I was. The room looked so foreign without any of my photos up and clothes thrown across every free space. All that was left was the original generic motel furniture. I glanced over at my phone. One text from Adam.

From: Adam
Hey we should talk. Meet me at my house at 6.

So I guess Hunter told him. The anger from last night was starting to fade and I was thinking more clearly. I was too into the dramatics last night. Storming off with the last words was good in theory, but that’s not how I wanted things to end. I could go see him on my way out. That wouldn’t be so terrible, would it? If I really ditched them without so much as a backwards glance, I could never come back. They would never want to see me again. Maybe I should try a little closure—if not for me, then for Adam. I owe him that.

To: Adam
Okay. I’ll see you then.

I pulled up to Adam’s house at 5:55. I dialed May’s number and willed her to pick up. For once, she didn’t. I waited for the beep so I could leave her a message.

“Hey May…I just thought you should know I’m getting ready to leave Nashville. I know it’s short notice, but I’m kind of just playing it by ear. I should be getting out of here in a half hour, or so.” I glanced over at Adam’s apartment building. I couldn’t see his from the outside, but looking at the nearly identical ones reminded me of everything getting left behind as soon as I talked to Adam. Before the big Justin mess, we were so happy. I really thought I could love him. I was falling hard. He was the sweetest person. He was attentive and funny, he knew how to make everything better. There was only one thing wrong with him—he wasn’t Justin. “Anyway, I’m heading to Chicago. I’m going to stop somewhere in a few hours, but I should be there around 1 or 2 in the afternoon tomorrow. I was hoping maybe we could meet up…so just call me back. Bye.” I hung up and got out of the car. I walked up to his apartment on the third floor and knocked. I took a deep breath and waited. Nothing. I knocked again and waited.

“Adam?” I called out. “Adam, are you home?” I tried the knob and it was unlocked. I slowly pushed open the door and peeked in. It was pitch black. What the fuck? I stepped in and turned on the lights.

“Surprise!” shouted like everyone I knew here. Literally everyone. Justin, Austin, Adam, Hunter, and even Arlene. This is actually my worst nightmare—I’ve had this dream before. Except, in my dream version everyone threw cake at me, which would probably be better than my reality that was fast approaching.

“Oh my god!” I yelped in surprise (strangely enough). I covered my mouth and tried not to freak out.

“Oh babe, did we scare you?” Adam came up and hugged me. He laughed and kissed my cheek, but my mouth was still open in shock. I looked over at Justin who seemed to be very interested in his shoes at the moment.

“Yeah. Just a little.” I swallowed the lump forming in my throat.

“I know you said you just wanted to chill out, but I couldn’t resist. You’ve been so down lately. You need your friends.” Friends? I nearly laughed out loud. “I have to go check on the grill. There’s some food out from Daisy’s if you’re hungry.” Adam left my side and Austin went back to hitting on Arlene and Justin continued to look everywhere but at me. I grabbed Hunter and pulled him into the bedroom.

“Thank you. For not telling him.” I ran my hands through my hair and collapsed onto the bed. I looked around the room for possible weapons of suicide.

“It should come from you,” he stated coldly. His arms were crossed and he had a generally pissed demeanor.

“I know. I agree. That’s why I’m here. I thought he wanted to talk because you told him something. I was going to leave this morning but I couldn’t. I had to talk to him first.”

“Oh well that’s mighty big of you,” he sneered.

“Look Hunter, you’re pissed at me. I get it. I would be too. I am not handling things well.” I sighed. “I was coming over here to get some closure and tell Adam the truth. I didn’t ask for this—I tried to avoid it. But then Justin…and Sarah…and you, you’re my friend. And I care about Adam.” I rambled on. I buried my face in a pillow. “Life sucks.”

“Slow down. What?” Hunter sat next to me. He coaxed the pillow out of my arms and made me sit up. “What are you talking about?”

“I screwed up terribly. I really, really fucked things up.” I looked at him, feeling tears welling in my eyes. “When Justin came home and his friends where here he told me he loved me. I was over the moon—you know how I felt about him. Then I realized I can’t just throw Adam out like a used tissue—especially if I wanted to salvage our friendship.” I grabbed his hand. “I took some time to think…and I chose Justin. Something was missing with Adam. He’s not a bad guy, he’s practically perfect. He just isn’t for me.” I stared at the floor. I had two guys and couldn’t decide who I wanted more, and now I have zero. “Then I caught Justin with Sarah—again. How? How does that even happen, you know? I went back to Adam and I fell like complete shit for using him like that. That’s why I had to leave. I couldn’t bear it anymore and I know that’s selfish. I couldn’t look at his sweet face and live with the fact I pretending he was someone else. I couldn’t talk to you every day and pretend everything was okay. I couldn’t be in the same town as Justin praying I wouldn’t run into him.” Hunter was quiet for a complete minute. I wasn’t sure if he would yell or storm out or go tell Adam how awful I was.

“If I were you, I would have been gone last week.”

“I wish it was that simple.” I let out a short laugh. “This is why I was kind of avoiding you.”

“Look, you got to tell him. Today. I’ll ask Arlene to help me keep him busy for a while so you don’t have to act all lovie dovie and make it worse on him. I won’t tell her why obviously, but you just need to get rid of Justin and Austin.”

“Okay. I can do that.” I hope. I marched out of the room, followed by Hunter. He made a beeline for the tiny back balcony and grabbed Arlene on the way, whispering something in her ear.

“Hey guys,” I approached Justin and Austin.

“Where have you been? I haven’t heard from you in weeks! I was starting to think that you didn’t like us anymore,” Austin scolded me.

“Sorry. I’ve been really busy…and in a weird place. Listen, I know you just got here, but I need you to leave. I have something really private to tell Adam. Really private. You do not want to be around for it, trust me.” I rushed them towards the door.

“What—,”

“Don’t worry Austin. Probably just wants to talk about how much she loves him,” Justin suddenly spoke up.

“It would be really uncomfortable for you.” I tried to explain, meanwhile ignoring Justin.

“Did you know that Austin? Do you know how much she loves Adam? So much, she’s been MIA for a month. So much love she has for Adam.” I glared at Justin.

“I’ll call you later Austin. This has nothing to do with you.” He looked between the two of us, aware he was missing something.

“She loves Adam so much; she completely DESERTED everyone else who cares about her, everyone who needed her!”

“SHUT UP!” I yelled back. “I am sick of your hypocritical remarks! You are such a jackass! Do you think things would be like this if you didn’t keep making out with Sarah behind my back? Do you think if you could keep it in your pants we would have a problem? You’re all torn up because A TOTAL SLUT cheated on you like A YEAR AGO, but you keep getting with her despite you saying you’re in love with me. The first time when I found the texts, were you lying? Was the story about her getting the wrong idea true, or were you making it up to cover your own ass? Last month when she was at your house, where you just talking then? I bet you didn’t expect me to come over, huh? Well I did. And there she was, tan legs wrapped around your waist and tongue in your mouth. See, that didn’t look like a misunderstanding to me. I think you knew exactly what you were doing.” Justin’s eyes were wide and he looked absolutely scared shitless. I clenched my fists at my sides and tried to control my heavy breathing. I looked up and Hunter, Arlene, and Adam were all staring too. They had no doubt heard me screaming and came inside to see what was wrong. Hunter bit his lip, Arlene looked bewildered, and Adam had a blank expression.

“Is that true?” he asked softly. After a while of staring straight back at him, I replied.

“Yeah Adam. It’s true. Now you all know what a big fucking joke I am.” I laughed humorlessly. “Adam, I am so completely sorry. I fucked you over because I was too selfish and couldn’t handle being alone and didn’t have the balls to tell the truth.” I looked at his still emotionless face for another second, then moved on to Hunter. “Hunter I’m sorry you’re in the middle. I hope you two can forgive me one day for all the shit I put you through. Arlene, I’m sorry you have to be here. You don’t need to see me be a psycho, so I’m sorry you had to witness it.” I paused. “Austin, I’m sorry I dropped you because I couldn’t handle being around Justin. It wasn’t fair.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I walked towards the door and opened it. I turned back around and said, “And I’m really sorry I ruined your party.” Then I actually left.

***

I made it all the way to Kentucky before I remembered I needed to stop and sleep. I found a local motel along the interstate and checked in. Everything reminded me of the motel in Nashville which reminded me of my friends—or the people who used to be my friends. After that show, I wouldn’t want to know me either.

Right before bed I checked my phone that I had turned off after I called Auntie May. No new messages. Big surprise there.