Easy to Fall in Love

“So, I think this is my cue.” I sniffed and wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to hug away the cold. “I’m going to leave now. I’m sorry Nick.” I whispered the last part and quickly hugged him. I quickly walked around to the front of the building, the sound of my soft footsteps scraping the pavement while I simultaneously searched for my keys in the black hole that is my purse. And maybe that’s why I didn’t pay attention to the louder thud of footsteps catching up to me as I got to my car.
“Donia.” Justin stopped behind me, laying his hand on my shoulder. “Wait.” I could feel tears prickling in the corners of me eyes and I couldn’t just turn around. I should there in the same spot and he kept his hand on my shoulder and I tried to blink away the tears threatening to spill. “What—what are you doing here?” His voice cracked a little and he kind of tried to laugh it off. He took a deep breath and loudly exhaled. “God, the last time I saw you was the end of August, almost…almost a year ago.” I wiped my fingers across the skin under my eyes and turned to face him. I tried hard to smile, but I probably looked like a joker or something equally upsetting.
“It’s, it’s stupid.” I bit my lip and looked up. “It’s hard to remember the time before all of this, but you know I loved you guys. As bands. I loved you as bands.” I looked at my finger nails to avoid the undecipherable emotion in his eyes. “I felt dumb missing a show when I was so close by. I guess it’s hard to ignore the devotion I feel to all your guys’ music. I hope you know…” I trailed off and looked at Justin in the eye through my glassy ones. “I hope you know this wasn’t my intent. I didn’t think I’d run into any of you. I didn’t want to ruin anything you could have going on for you. I’m happy that you’re at good place through. Well, at least from what I can see you are.”
“Yeah, I suppose I’m okay.” He said the things that sounded normal but I actually didn’t believe that he meant it. “At least you’re not screaming at me today—that’s a plus.” He laughed awkwardly, and I suppose making my outburst seem humorous is the only way to deal with it.
“Well I’ve had quite a bit of time to deal with the anger.” I paused and switched the weight from my right to left and back to my right leg nervously. “And I actually agree with Nick. People make mistakes, you know?” I meant it too. I wasn’t angry anymore. I stopped being angry somewhere between New York and Maine. Now I was just sad.
“Yeah. I just hate that mine cost me you.” He cocked his head to my right and leaned his side against my car. It was silent for a while and we both looked at each other, than away, and then again. I coughed into the crook of my elbow. “I was wondering if we could talk later. After the show. I have to go on in like two minutes so…I just want to talk. I miss you.” He grabbed my hand for a second but he quickly let go and I pretended to cough again.
“I don’t know if it’s such a good idea Justin—“ I started, but he interrupted me.
“Please. I miss you. Austin misses you. We all miss you.” He gave me his best and biggest puppy dog eyes, and I suppose I’m just a glutton for punishment because I agreed to stay. I went backstage with him—while still maintaining a safe distance—and watched from the wings as they tested the guitars and microphones again. I could hear the murmur of the boys I hadn’t officially met behind me, but I was too insecure to introduce myself and I was waiting for someone to talk to me first. I heard a low whistle from behind me so I turned around and smiled, immediately knowing who it was.
“Watch out boys, we got a heartbreaker on stage with us.” None other than Austin Gibbs walked up to me and scooped me up in a hug. “How’ve you been?” He released me from his bear hug and put his arm around me.
“A lot better now that you’re here. How are you?”
“Well, I miss you a lot darlin’. And I had to deal with mopey Justin for months. Still do, but now these fine gentlemen get to share in the pleasure. Ten times worse that Sarah.” He looked down at me meaningfully. I rolled my eyes. “I mean, if that makes you feel better.” He nudged me and laughed. “Chill little lady, alright? I mean normally I’d hate you, cause Justin’s my main dude…but he kind of deserved it. Okay deserved isn’t the right word. But it wasn’t for no reason; I mean you had your reasons for blowing up on him. Still, I think you two should be together.”
“Seems to be the popular opinion with this crowd.” I murmured and scratched my neck. “Look, I couldn’t do anything, even if I wanted to. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and I’m still not a 100% sure he’s done with Sarah.”
“God woman, you are dense.” Austin shook his head and laughed.
“Um, excuse me?” I screeched. I punched him in the shoulder, but it really didn’t do much. I was about to curse at him for being an insensitive asshole, but I unexpectedly sneezed hard enough to knock over a log cabin.
“Bless you,” piped up Joel, popping out, seemingly out of nowhere. JOEL KANITZ. He smiled warmly and I forgot what English was.
“Oh right. Don, this is Joel. But I’m sure you know that.”
“Hi.” I held out my hand and he shook it. “I’m Donia.”
“Yeah. I’ve heard a lot about you.” He nodded knowingly and I groaned.
“Oh no. That sounds…not good.” I was about two seconds away from gauging out my eyeballs.
“No, no, no, don’t even worry for a second. It was all good. Trust me.” He put his hand on my shoulder and my insides went a little soft. He’s single handedly proven that while I may be in love with someone else, man can I want to jump his bones. Hypothetically of course.
“C’mon Don. I’ll introduce you to the other guys. Just don’t fangirl too hard, okay? They’re human I promise.” Austin dragged me along to their little hangout backstage.
“I won’t if you won’t.” I followed behind him biting my nails and trying not to die from a brain explosion due to thinking too hard.
“It’s just so hard though. I mean they’re so…so…so sexy,” Austin joked back. “What’s a boy to do?” He shrugged his shoulders and mischievously smiled.
“Did someone say sexy?” I looked away from Austin and there was Pat standing behind him. Dressed as a girl. Austin turned around as well, and then busted out laughing. He doubled over while I stood there awkwardly. I had a flashback to all the Halloween pictures I’d seen of his, and never did I ever think I’d get to witness it in person.
“Donia, I believe you know Trish.” Austin regained his composure and patted me on the back to get me to stop staring and say something.
“Hi.” I waved and said, “It’s nice to meet you. I absolutely love your music,” I gushed.
“Aww thanks. You’re so sweet.” He hugged me and then I realized that I have this same dress. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.
“Alright, I’m stealing her back. C’mon Don.” Austin pulled me away and leaned down to whisper in my ear. “That’s yours by the way. I guess you left it at Justin’s house because I found it. I was going to give it back, you know if I ever saw you again, but Pat found it in my suitcase first.” I wrinkled my nose.
“Yeah well he can keep it.” I suddenly became very self-aware when we reached the guys hanging out together. I fidgeted nervously, fixing my hair, sure that they had just been talking about me.
“I know you already know, but this is John, Sean, Garrett, Jared, Alex, other Alex, Ryan, and Kennedy.” He pointed to each one as he named them off, like I didn’t have all their faces memorized. “Boys, this is Donia Hudgens, photographer extraordinaire and general badass.” Austin put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me tightly against his side.
“Hey.” John nodded his head at me and smiled, almost stopping my heart. The rest of the guys followed suit with various greetings. I smiled and said hi back, but I was growing increasingly uncomfortable. They were all just staring at me probably thinking “oh so this is the girl Justin wrote a million songs about” or “she doesn’t look like the crazy type.”
“Hey Austin, make a new friend?” asked a familiar voice behind me. All the boys looked up with wide eyes.
“Shit.” Austin muttered. He ran his fingers through his thick unruly hair and tugged on it. “Hey Jimmy.” He turned around to greet Jimmy and I tried to imagine the easiest way to asphyxiate myself with the tech gear on the floor. I kept my eyes to the floor and I could feel the eyes of all the boys on me. I realized I would have to face this eventually, but the fact that he is Justin’s brother makes this a million times scarier. I looked up finally and tried to think of anything of the slightest intelligence to say.
“Hi. I’m—“ Jimmy cut me off.
“I know who you are.” His face quickly went from friendly to stony. He turned away from me and said, “I’ll see you guys later.” He abruptly walked off stage and disappeared into the crowd of people. I brought my thumbnail to my mouth and started chewing. I’m thinking the microphone cord would be best. Austin wrapped his other arm around me and pulled me into a hug.
“Don’t sweat it darlin’. He’s his brother, of course he’s protective. He doesn’t see it how we do, you know?” I nodded into his chest and squeezed him back. We both let go and he patted my shoulder.
“He’s right,” piped up Jared. “All Jimmy sees is his little brother with a broken heart and the girl who did it. He’ll come around when he sees how much Justin cares about you.” He smiled reassuringly. I felt a little bit better, but also not really. They all kept saying how wrecked he was and how much he cared about me and I heard the songs he wrote that were so obviously about me, but at the same exact time I felt like none of it was real because I had a hard time getting past what happened in Nashville.
“How are you guys doing tonight?” I heard Nick call out to the crowd. They cheered in response. I walked closer to the stage so I could watch the boys play. I was standing only a few feet from Justin and he must have sensed my presence because he turned to look at me and smiled shyly. I waved a little and bit my lip. They started to play the opening chords to Mr. Right and Justin looked over out of the corner of his eye more often that he probably should have. It’s like he was expecting me to disappear any second, but I stayed the whole time. I swayed to the music and kept my eyes on him the entire time. And I thought of how amazing we could be. I imagined waking up every morning next to him, intertwined in arms and sheets. We’d sit on the river banks as he played his guitar and sang to me, while I took photos of him laughing and talking and being completely beautiful. He’d cook us dinner and I’d make dessert. We’d go out with his friends and drink and dance and fall even more in love every single second. Then every night I’d get to fall asleep beside him and repeat. And there was nothing I wanted more.
Hope to see you guys after the show, we’ll be at merch!” shouted Halvo before they all bounded off stage, sweaty and pumped up. Justin came straight up to me smiling wide, but it quickly faded.
“Are you alright?” He leaned in closer.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I asked and furrowed my brow.
“Well…you’re crying so…” he wiped a tear from my cheek and I reached up to touch the wet spots on my face. I hadn’t even felt them falling from my eyes, yet here they were.
“Oh, no. It was a yawn. I’m a little tired; I’ve kind of had a long day.” I wanted so badly to have what we had before. But I couldn’t tell him that after everything. I hated myself for it, but I still didn’t trust him.
“Oh, I’m glad.” He looked around awkwardly and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. We never used to have awkward moments—unless of course it was because of the sexual tension. But we could always talk to each other and even in the weird parts it was just me wondering his true intentions; I wondered if his comments about how nice I looked where just friendly or if the lingering gazes were because there was an eyelash on my cheek. “You up for talking?”
“Well, I don’t want to miss the next set.” I replied honestly.
“They have a lot to set up; I doubt you’ll miss a second.”
“Okay. Yeah, we can talk now.” I followed him outside. We sat on the cold concrete steps leading to the stage door. The air outside was warm, but breezy and I could hear muffled voices of the crowd from outside in the alley.
“I know the last time we saw each other was bad and I was a jerk. And the time before that I fucked up. But I just—I need to explain.”
“You really don’t, I understand—“
“You don’t.”
“Justin, it’s okay that you’re not over Sarah. I’m fine now. I mean it would have been great to know before I got invested, but it is what it is. I just want to move on now and hopefully be friends.”
“I don’t want to be just friends with you.” Justin stood up and started pacing. “I’m not in love with Sarah, I’m in love with you!” he shouted to the rooftops. I’m sure even the noisy crowd inside heard him. “That day…was a mistake.” He quieted down. He crouched down in front of me. “I was down because you weren’t calling me back. I assumed you chose Adam and then she called with a lame excuse about forgetting a CD and I did a stupid thing.” He rambled on closed his eyes, like he was trying to erase the memory. “She kissed me and I let her. And then I realized what I was doing and I stopped it.” He held my hands in his and I could feel my eyes fill with hot tears. “I couldn’t be with her even if I wasn’t in love with you. We weren’t right together. And I told her this. I also told her I had someone else.’ He stood up and started pacing again. He took a long swig of his beer he brought inside with him, I could use one of those right about now. “You never called again. Then Adam wanted me to come to your birthday and I had to see you. I didn’t plan to ruin it, but I saw you two together and I’d never felt so enraged. I wanted to punch him in the face, but he’s also like the nicest guy in the world. Also I don’t think I would have won that fight.” He laughed and downed the last of the bottle and tossed it into a metal can nearby. I was trying to process everything he was saying, and I felt a little like I’d been hit by a freight train. I rested my head in my hands and took a deep breath. Everything seemed right. I was the one who felt wrong and I didn’t know why.
“Justin.” And I knew why I felt wrong. Because I didn’t trust myself around him. “I get why you did what you did. I mean, we made out while I was still with Adam and I was disgusted with myself—but you can’t justify what you did. Neither can I. This is just as much my fault. And I just don’t know. I can’t jump in immediately and pretend this whole year hasn’t happened.” I stood up. “And now I think it’s really time to go. I need to think.” I hurt people. I believed what I wanted. I made up my own truth and I ignored the obvious. I hurt Adam. I hurt Justin by being unavailable and then strung him along while trying to delay Adam’s hurt. And in the long run that hurt Adam more. And I got Hunter caught in the middle. I ignored Austin. I’m too selfish to understand reality.
“No, wait.” Justin grabbed my arm as I turned away from him. He pulled me close to him and leaned in to kiss me. His lips softly grazed mine and my fingers were shaking. At first I stayed firmly unengaged, but as he pulled me tighter to him I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck. In between kisses he spoke, reading my mind, “You’re not selfish.” Another kiss. “You’re perfect.” More fast little kisses. “I disappointed you—“ this time I interrupted him with a kiss. “And now you’re afraid of disappointing yourself.” He kissed my cheeks and tried to contain a laugh. And I didn't know why he wanted to laugh but it made me want to, too. “But I am never going to make you doubt me again.” He then proceeded to deliver the most lip numbing, limb tingling, and sensory exploding kiss I’d ever had. I felt like we were locked together like the first two puzzle pieces creating a picture that I wouldn’t understand till I was old and gray and the puzzle was finished. I knew it would be a pretty picture; I was just waiting for the rest of the pieces to show up. He stopped the kiss but kept his body pressed against mine. He rested his forehead against my forehead and whispered, “Just tell me that you love me. Tell me that you love me and we still have a chance.”
I wanted to. Because I would always love him. And maybe we still had a fair shot. I would be a hypocrite to condemn him for kissing Sarah when we weren’t actually together considering I kissed his while I was dating someone. And things would not be perfect right away. But I need to try. Or I’ll regret it until I’m eighty years old and stop remembering who I am.
So I did.