Easy to Fall in Love

After wallowing in self-pity for a while, I went to watch the rest of Justin’s sound check. There was always something going on with us. I was afraid that I would always find a way to ruin us.

“Oh thank heaven, she’s so beautiful,” He sang the last line, dragging out the last syllable and his eyes finding me lingering by the doorway. I hurried backstage to meet him before he could get away from me. I wouldn’t blame him if he tried, though.

“Hey,” I said softly. He looked at me, but didn’t say anything. “I’m really, really sorry about earlier.” He thought for a long time, his gaze steady on mine. I wanted to shrink away, but instead I stepped a little closer. I was making him nervous, I could tell. He looked away and I bit my lip, wishing he would just put his arms around me and forget what a moron I’ve been today.

“Sorry enough to tell me the truth?” he asked. I bit down on my lip harder and tried to decide what to say. Do I tell him the truth or keeping lying? The truth seems to make more sense on paper, but this is a much stickier situation than one might think.

“I’m just…upset.” I let out a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding. “This is—I mean it… it has been the most overwhelming 24 hours and so much is going on. We weren’t together and I was afraid of ever seeing you again because, well, because I was so in love with you and I hated you at first and I was sure you hated me too,” I rambled. “And then suddenly were together again and we finally, you know, intimate—were intimate for the first time and it was so amazing to wake up next to you.” I was screwing this up and tripping over words, with my thoughts going a mile a minute. I was scrambling for a non-lame answer to give him. “Then the phone call happened and, and you were upset with good reason.” My voice cracked and I was afraid I was about to totally break down in front of him. “And there are other things on my mind—I’m just not really ready to get into details, so can you just accept that I’m trying?” Tears started to roll down my cheek as I realized how tired I was. That was not a lie. I am overwhelmed. I am happy. I am sad too. I’m just so tired of this shit. Once I had all the information I would tell him everything. I need to know what Adam wants and once I know every detail I can talk to Justin about it. If it’s nothing, what’s the point of hurting Justin? “I know this is a lot to ask of you, and I’ve already asked so much, but we have so much to look forward to. I just want to be happy. I want happy thoughts and memories of us together.” I tried to wipe away the tears but more just spilled down my face.

“Shhh,” Justin whispered and pulled me close. “It’ll be okay, it’s going to all be okay,” he repeated over and over, rubbing my back in a circular motion. I burrowed my face into his neck and cried. He stroked my hair, whispering that everything would be okay. It felt so nice to let it all out to him, even if it wasn’t the whole truth. He wrapped his arms around me while I cried and cried and he just held me. “I will love you no matter what you tell me, whenever you need to tell me.” I sniffled and bit my lip. He knew exactly what to say and what to do and he always gave more to the relationship than I did. I need to figure things out. I know I keep saying that over and over, but I really do mean it. I lifted my head and tried to smile.

“I go should clean myself up, I guess.” I laughed and untangled myself from his warm body, the scent of his skin lingering on my t-shirt. I hated that I just cried in front of him, but he made me feel like I didn’t need to.

“One more thing though.” Justin stopped me. “I know you booked a room for tonight, but we’re planning on driving during the night so we can spend the whole day in Chico.”

“I totally forgot about the day off.” I rubbed my tired, slightly aching eyes. “Well that’s fine. I think I might take a nap or something. I’m pretty exhausted. But don’t worry; I’ll be back before you go on.” I blew him a kiss, to which he smiled at, and left the venue. I went to the hotel and packed up the few things I had unpacked earlier. I grabbed my phone from its hiding spot and turned it back on. I had two choices. Do the mature thing, and figure this mess out, or I could be me. I was praying for the balls to do the former.

“Hello?” His voice sounded exactly how I remembered it. “Donia?” I took a breath deep enough to burst my lungs and spoke.

“Hey. How, um, how are you?” I asked. It sounded lame, but what was I supposed to say? Hey how’ve you been since I broke up with you during the birthday party you threw me? You know, the one when you found out I actually chose Justin, but he didn’t want me so I went with the second choice? Anyway, I had the strangest sensation after the words left my mouth. The whole time we had been apart, I only thought of how much I had hurt him; I didn’t realize that I actually missed him. I mean it’s not like how I missed Justin, but Adam used to be a big deal to me. And he’s just such a good person.

“I’m good, actually. I’m really good.” He almost laughed, and I almost did too. “I just…I think the way we left things was really shitty.” You mean the way I stormed out, forcing you to leave things that way? Yeah that sucked. “I was hoping we could get together and just talk. I have a lot to tell you.” He cleared his throat. He sounded nervous. I should be the nervous one. I mean, I did ruin everything.

“I have a lot to tell you too, but uh, well shit. I’m in California. With Justin.” I winced and waited for the response. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell him. To be honest I would have been okay if he never found out.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, he’s on tour. And we haven’t made any solid plans about me staying.” This was most likely the most awkward telephone call I’ve ever had.

“Okay, well I’ll be around whenever.”

“Sure. Goodbye Adam.” I hung up and let out a huge sigh of relief. It wasn’t anything to be terrified of. I only need to figure out how to tell Justin.

***

After the show, the boys went to hang out outside. I stayed back in the venue for a little, because I didn’t want to take anything away from their fans outside. I called May and we chatted about Justin and she said she wanted to meet him. She told me she moved to Seattle for the time being and how she wanted us to visit her when we stopped there. I promised we would and while we were saying our goodbyes, Halvo came in looking for me.

“Hey, are you busy right now?” His face was flushed and he had a giant smile on his face. It had been a good show and I’m sure he was still coming down from his performing high.

“Not even a little. What’s up?” I shoved my phone into my pocket and stood up.

“I just want you to come hang outside. The amount of people is dwindling and I can tell Justin’s antsy to see you. Also…I want you to meet Daisy. She’s really cool and I think you’ll like her a lot. Plus you’re probably the only person who won’t embarrass me.”

“Why Eric, I’m honored!” I placed my hand over my heart in a very dramatic fashion. I laughed and followed him outside. “That felt weird calling you Eric. I prefer Halvo.” There was barely anyone outside anymore, and it was getting pretty late. We were going to have to leave soon. As I trailed behind Halvo, I peered over his shoulder in the direction we were walking. Sitting on a low wall outside the building was two girls giggling and chatting animatedly about something. I looked up at Halvo and I saw him smile. They both stood up when they saw us approach and I could tell by the way the dark haired one bit her lip half nervously and half excitedly, that she was Daisy.

“Donia, this is Daisy and her cousin Alice.” Halvo introduced us and I smiled at them.

“Hi,” Daisy smiled back awkwardly. She fiddled with her hands kept looking sideways at her light haired cousin. Alice was endlessly beaming; she was probably one of the few who knew the extent of Daisy’s adoration of Halvo. I could tell she liked him a lot. I used to be her.

“Well it was really great to meet you, but I’m absolutely worn out. I’m going to head back to your place.” Alice piped up. She picked her bag up off the floor and patted Daisy’s arm encouragingly

“Oh, okay. Here take my keys,” she fished around in her bag, “I’ll take a cab.” Alice hugged Daisy and smiled at Halvo and me. She waved goodbye and walked off towards the parking lot. I turned my attention back towards Daisy and Halvo. He whispered something to her and her curls bounced as she laughed.

“So Daisy, I’ve heard a lot about you.” I said, bringing the two of them out of their own world.

“Really?” She smiled so brightly, she was practically glowing. Halvo widened his eyes at me and I grinned. He would thank me later.

“Uh huh. He says—“

“Hey guys,” Justin interrupted, sliding his arm around my waist and leaning down to kiss my forehead. He held his hand out to Daisy. “You must be her.” He smiled and looked at Halvo. “We’ve heard A LOT of good things,” he emphasized a lot. I pinched his side and he jumped a little. He raised his eyebrows in a fashion that said ‘what the hell are you doing’ and I stared back in a way that said ‘leave them alone.’ I wanted to get the ball rolling, not mortify him and make her incredibly uncomfortable.

“Her name is Daisy. And would you cut it out, you’re killing my macho dude street cred.” Halvo puffed out his chest and tried to do some kind of cool guy impersonation.

“Well it’s great to meet you Daisy, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to steal away my beautiful girlfriend.”

“Justin, I told you we were over.” Halvo shook his head and turned to Daisy. “He just can’t get over me.”

“Ha ha, very funny. We’re getting ready to leave soon, probably like 1 or 2 hours, okay?” Halvo nodded and as Justin and I walked away, I looked over my shoulder. Daisy was telling him something and he was looking at her so intently with the sweetest grin, while she looked at her feet and laughed.

“They’re so cute aren’t they?” I watched the two of them interact while Justin and I watched from inside the venue. Justin ran his fingers up and down my arm and nodded. “It’s kind of like looking in a mirror. The way she’s completely enamored with him…it’s like seeing you and me for the outside. Well at least it’s like seeing me. I don’t remember you gazing at me like that.”

“Oh but I do. I was so busy staring in wonder at you that I never knew you looked at me the same way. I guess that’s the thing about infatuation; you’re blind to everything else.” He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his shoulder. We were silent for a few minutes, swaying to the music in our heads. I lifted my head briefly to run my fingers over his mouth and smile as he closed his eyes, eyelids fluttering. A few seconds after I rested my head again, a thought popped into my head.

“I guess that’s the thing about mirrors; they reflect how other people see you.”

“But people look in the mirror and see something less than how beautiful they are to everyone else.”

“I guess. But I still think there’s something to be said for the idea.”

“All that matters now is that we see each other. And maybe they will too one day.”

“Maybe…”