Easy to Fall in Love

"Hello?" I called from the doorway of the motel. I shucked off my hoodie. The mid-morning coolness had instantly turned to sweltering heat.

"Hey, I'm in the back room, slowly dying." Hunter was lying on the sofa in his "office" with an wet cloth on his forehead. He had a wastebasket handy, and the blinds where drawn. It was dark and humid like a cave. I guess the pain of a hangover would make us even.

"You look like hell. How did you sleep last night?" I leaned against the door frame. I picked at my nails and looked around the room. Every time I thought about last night I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

"Like a rock. How did you sleep?" He asked nonchalantly.

"I knew you did that on purpose, you are such a jerk!" I threw my sweatshirt at him. "I was a hot mess thanks to you!" The simple pattern of his breathing was still echoing through my ears. "I couldn't sleep and I stared at the ceiling for hours." Mere feet away from me had been the only man I thought I could love.

"I don't see what the big deal is." He shrugged it off and gulped down a glass of water.

And no one could feel it, except me.

"The big deal is that not even an hour before, I...I did something stupid." I walked over to the desk keeping my back to him, so I didn't have to look at him. I took a deep breath and turned around.

"That sounds like your fault, not mine." He reached over for the aspirin bottle and popped some into his mouth. "What happened? Did you kiss him?!"

"What? NO!" I shook my head violently. "No way. I just said something I shouldn't have. I got caught up in a moment and...over shared." I dropped my head into my hands and sighed. I wanted to punch myself in the face. "I mean I might as well have proposed marriage. I basically confessed my love to him."

He cocked one eyebrow and sat up.

"Go on."

"Well it wasn't so dramatic. He was all weird last night so we made a deal. He tells me about his thing, I tell him about mine."

"Your thing?"

"The trip. My aunt."

"Well that stuff isn't exactly a secret."

"It's deeper than that. The feelings behind it." He gave me a strange look. "Long story," I waved him away. "I don't want to get into that right now."

"Okay so you talked about your issues, and he talked about his. And?"

"They were female-related. Of course. He might as well have ripped my heart out." I paused. "He asked what was wrong with him. I couldn't help myself..." I trailed off.

"Oh no." He laughed.

"Yes." I dropped my head even farther into my palms and dropped to the floor. "It sounded something like 'she's a bitch, you're my perfect guy, I would never even think about breaking up with you.'" I peeked behind my fingers at him. He was smiling like a fool. "I know I'm an idiot."

"I'm not laughing at you."

"Yeah right. People states away are laughing at me. I'm such a joke." I got up to stalk back to my room, but Hunter stopped me.

"Look. The sleeping arrangements weren't my idea." He emphasized the word my. "I was about to go to your room to sleep, but Justin volunteered first. He didn't say much else, but he was pretty clear about it." He gave me a meaningful look.

"No."

"Yes."

"You're lying." I stated.

"I'm telling you things exactly as they are. That's what happened."

"I gotta go." I grabbed my hoodie and turned away.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to be somewhere else."

"It probably means nothing. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out." He tried to console me.

"Don't you get it? I know it's nothing. I hate how much I want it to be something." My walking quickly turned to running. I shut the door to my room behind me. Everything in me was screaming and then suddenly everything in my body stopped. No breathing, no thinking. This was stupid. This was crazy. I'm freaking out for no reason. There's nothing to worry about.

"Hey."

"Hello Donia."

"How are you?" I sounded oddly formal.

"Good. How are you?" She had a soft tone.

"A mess. I'm a mess." I laughed. "I don't know why I called you."

The other end was silent but I could tell she was listening.

"I hate liking someone and knowing there is no chance. Because you try hard to fool yourself. But it never works. Your breath catches every time they look at you, but you remember how empty the glance is. But then you hate yourself for trying to pretend. So you get a reality check and for a while you feel empowered. You say 'I don't need them. The right person will show up. And they'll feel the same way.' Then you see them walk by and you crumble to pieces. You daydream. Sometimes you forget what's real. Then you see them with someone other girl or talking with a friend. And you're just so far away."

"The farther away, the less chance of getting hurt. That's how I used to live. It took a while to get through my thick skull that often, it's worse. Way worse. I can't tell you how to fix it, but if you assume that nothing's going to happen and letting it eat you up will push you away even more. Get in there. Let yourself be happy."

Let yourself be happy. Let myself be happy.

From: Unknown Number
Hey it's Justin. I just wanted to say thanks again for coming to the show. I can't wait to see the picture you took. Maybe we can grab lunch and you can show me some time. Anyway, I had a great time yesterday and while Austin may not be feeling it now, I know he did too. Thanks :)

Would it be so bad to let myself be happy?