I Never Told You What I do for a Living

Up until that point I had been holding my feelings in. Gerard always wondered why I hadn't broken down, why I didn't mourn the death of our friends. And there was a reason; I had never been the kind of girl to let all her feelings spill. Sadly, that was something that was only okay on occasions not as devastating as that one. But this is when my life spiraled out of control.

~~~

I walked down the empty street, kicking an empty soda bottle in front of me. All that was heard was the laughter of the rich families that surrounded me, behind a cement wall where they wouldn't even notice me passing by. My thoughts went to my future. What could I become? What could my friends have become? I cried quietly, something I had learned to do since I never cried in front of others. My heart started racing when I heard a noise from behind me.

"Who's there?" I asked, turning around and seeing nothing but darkness. I continued my way but was stopped by Craig Thomas, a guy who had graduated the same year as Gerard even though he had failed twice before that. He was the guy who dated Abbey even though she was too young, the one who I made her break up with since he was nothing but abusive, "H-hi," I said, almost in a whispered voice as my hand pulled a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Where are you going?" he asked. He seemed concerned.

"I'm just headed home. See you later, Craig," I said, walking pass him.

"No, wait," he grabbed my wrist, pulling me toward him.

"Let me go." I said. He reeked of stale cigarettes and marijuana. I pushed him away, walking away quickly. My fast pace soon turned into a run. Before I knew it, he was out of sight. I let myself calm down. I was only a street away from my house but decided to take a shortcut through an alley.

"Come on!" Craig's arm pulled me into a chokehold. I tried to free myself but he squeezed harder. I felt myself getting dizzy before he pushed me onto the ground. He turned me over, crawling on top of me, pulling down my pants and unzipping his, "Why would you do that? I loved Abbey!" he screamed.

"Please, please stop!" I yelled out, hoping my screams would get to someone.

"Answer me and I'll stop!" he said, punching me hardly on the side of my face and causing my breathing to stop.

"Stop." I finally got a breath, but my words seemed whispered. I felt nothing but pain down there.

"Why?"

"Because I love Abbey." I cried. He stopped, looking at me in the eyes and then getting up. Through my blurry vision, I saw him get up and zip his pants up. I laid there, crying my eyes out as my head was spun, my heart racing, and I felt blood trickling down my thigh. I gathered all of my strength and pulled up my pants, trying to walk away. The pain I felt was indescribable.

I went straight to my house, trying to run by my father as quickly as I could. I went up my steps and locked myself in the bathroom. As I'd imagined, my father didn't even turn to look at me. Not even if I slowly went up the stairs as I sobbed. He didn't care. I cried on the floor, punching my knees before undressing myself and turning on the water.

I stood in the bathtub, only getting my feet wet. I quickly turned the water off and walked out, heading for the mirror, my wet feet making puddles on the ground. I opened up one of the small doors, looking at all my father's pills. One of them was poison he used to kill away any animal that got into his garden. I never really asked myself why he would keep it in the bathroom. All I knew was that a small portion would numb you, but the entire thing could kill you. I took the bottle and headed to my room, taking my dirty clothes with me and limping in my bare body. I threw the clothes on the floor and put on a white dress. I was about to end it. But for some reason, something inside of me told me not to do it in this home.

My father would go upstairs and see me laying there. Thoughts would surround his head, I was right downstairs.. I jumped from my thoughts and walked out of my room barefoot, walking down the steps and out the door once more. I started making my way toward the tallest building in town. It was one that Abbey had a key to, one she had given me a copy of in case I wanted to get a book late at night. Yes, it was the library. And most kids didn't go there, but since Abbey's family worked there, she had full access to it. I opened the door, shivering as my bare feet touched the cement floor. I walked in, closing the door behind me but not bothering to lock it.

I walked in, not turning any lights on and making my way toward the staircase. The staircase led to the roof top. If you were motivated enough, you could make it to the top in less than ten minutes. But perhaps it was the pain that I felt that prevented me from going fast, or maybe it was my head making everything seem longer since I was walking to my death, I seemed to be going up those steps for hours. I arrived at the rooftop, opening the door and letting the cold wind hit me. My white, slightly stained dress danced with the wind, making me feel as if I was being hugged. I stood in the middle, not knowing what to do.

Either I take the poison and have it possibly fail, or I jump. My head went to the edge of the roof and I walked toward it slowly. Nothing but the street lights made my vision better. I cried for a good hour, holding myself tightly. I was about to let it all go, my head somehow got a heartbeat, my legs became shaky.

"Don't do it." a voice from behind me said. I jumped, losing my balance. I was held from behind me and felt Gerard's warm breath on me, "Don't." he whispered.

I cried more, turning and hugging him, "Agh - I can't keep doing this. I can't act like everything's alright."

"Don't do this to me. Not you."

"Why?"

"Because there's only three people that I care about in this world and you're the one I most love. I can't let you jump. And if you do, I'll follow you. I can read you so well, Roxanne. You act like everything's alright. No one can see through this play you put on. But I can."

"How did you know I was here?" my throat was swollen from the emotion let out through my tears.

"I was throwing rocks at your window but you didn't come out. Then I saw you run out and I followed you."

"Gerard, just let me end it, okay?"

"Then let me do it too!" he screamed, tears escaping his eyes as he cupped my face with his two hands, "Let's do it together."

"I - I can't let you do that."

"And I won't let you do it either."

"G-Gerard..."

"Listen, as long as we live, I'll make sure you're alive, and you'll make sure I'm alive, what do you say? A-and if we need to end it, we'll do it together."

He held me close before I departed from him, turning back around, "I promise," I ran toward the door, dropping the keys behind me purposely. My saddened tears had become angry, evil ones. I made my way toward the street I live on, letting rocks cut my already numb and bloody feet. I saw a shadow on the alley I laid just hours before.

"C-Craig, is that you?" the head turned my way, and the shadow turned into Craig.

"You haven't called the cops yet."

"You know I don't deal with things that way," I whispered, wiping the tears out of my face.

"What do you want?"

"Listen, I want to give you what Abbey couldn't give you. I want to be yours for just a few hours."

"What are you talking about?"

"Abbey says that you had been trying to get in her freaking pants before she broke up with you. So tonight, make pretend I'm Abbey."

He turned around, walking slowly to a dark house. All the lights were turned off and no cars were parked in front of it. I followed him, taking deep breaths as I watched his every step. He left the door open and I walked in, closing it behind me.

"You drink?"

"After what you did to me, do you think I care what the hell happens to me now?" he tossed me a glass bottle of rum.

"Let's get wasted and forget about today."

His lips met mine and soon, I found him having drink after drink. I didn't have a taste, though. That would ruin my plan.

"Give me some mo'." he said. I poured him a glass and took the animal poison, tossing some in and giving it to him.

He drank that, got up, and took the bottle.

"Wanna write a suicide note with me?" I asked.

"Yeah, I've been meaning to do that." a sketch pad was beside him. He started writing down his feelings and crying as he let every word onto the paper. His eyes closed. My heart slowed down and I bent down, reading what was written on the sketch pad,

I'm done. I can't take the wrongs I'm doing to people. I'm sorry for hurting Roxanne and I wanna stop it all now. Okay, bye.

It looked like the stupidest suicide note I had seen in my life. His grammar was incorrect, but what could I had expected from someone who was drunk out of his mind? I shook his arm, calling his name. No answer. I checked his pulse, even though deep inside I was sure he was just passed out. No pulse.

My heart raced again, beating faster and louder than ever before.

"Shit." I said, getting up and panicking, "W-what did I do?" I grabbed the poison bottle, dropping it into his glass of rum. I took one of his kitchen cloths and opened the door, running outside. My heart beat loudly, making me wonder if someone could see me. I ran to Gerard's house which wasn't too far from mine. I pounded on the door, almost letting myself scream.

"What's wrong?" Gerard asked, opening in the door and widening his eyes.

"Gee, I think I did something bad." I cried.