Surrendering
Exclusion
You know I always thought the world was vast, even insisted upon it because you did. Each day it seems the world expands and constricts in such ways that free me while still making me so close to getting stuck. Stuck with you. Trapped. Lost.
It's so strange to see a new piece of jewelry. A gift. Especially a gift from someone new. I always heard gifts increased love and care between people. Really made social bonds stronger. But in this western culture giving a ring means so much less, it means a contract, it means the ownership of another over the wearer. It means that all over the world I suppose. This little band too often brands a person to another as taken. As belonging. As owned.
But to me, it's a symbol. When I got that first ring from you and it linked me so completely like glue, I never felt so crumbly. You never let me call me you my fiance. You never let me question wedding dates or even tell my parents. Everyone called me yours. I was no longer mine. I was a girl-friend. A woman who was available to you for affection, for going out with when it was convenient, a person who could be easily let go. A person who could be so completely attached to you and yet so easily severed. You let them label me girlfriend. You let our friends see me as temporary, as less than special, as less than unique. I was something replaceable. A girlfriend. I could become a name in a list of many.
This is how it's done here. You told me that so much I almost let myself be lost to you that day. How can you believe in following the immoral culture here of listing out the forgotten loves. How can it be love when it is so temporary. Love is consuming, full, fresh, enduring and strong. How can you call it love when you meet at a surface level, with shy emotions of love disappearing to be rash and raw, with no caring commitment ensured to each other beyond perhaps a ring? A label of love with no deep reflection or decision of having a family before you move too far. A little band, so easily gone from a finger, another so soon replacing it. Another could so soon have replaced me.
Months ago when I first met your sister I felt a little bit of care in a place so nearby to you I was finally set straight. Your care was not real, you had a contract assumed with your name signed into a band and secured onto my finger. Finally I stood free. Your fictional ties and securing, while reigning me in too close, had become clear. Cramped and crunched into your life and bowing to your decisions had me locked into a stable I could not even see. The hard wooden structure of your controlling affection was a fire hazard. The smoke had me coughing and kneeling down to the ground. I dropped to my knees and found myself in the perfect position to pray. And how I prayed during those last drops of night for freedom and a path of safety and good, had you seen you would have considered me a prisoner yourself.
Arrogant man. Demon.
You almost burnt me alive.
I had to take sanctuary. So I visited the center of the community. What some say is the equivalent of God's house. Some say it is the hospital for the soul. I went every week to sisters' circles. My local musjid had talks for women and understanding their rights and freedoms more comprehensively. The women that came were stronger than me, they had a real grasp on life, they told me that I had a right to be an individual. A right to a full commitment before I gave even one blink of myself away. And while I was with you I had become such a nothing that their advice made me strong, I had taken the wise assurance of these intelligent women and now I see that ring you put on me was more of a nothing than what I had become. How could I ever get a care out of you without a real marriage? You could vanish too easily after trapping me. Even your sister decided to help me find a better potential spouse when I met her there a few times.
She figured you out. And a month later she introduced me to her husband's friend. I can't be a passer of judgement here, but honestly, just praying for someone better and having him walk into my parent's living room and witnessing the brightness of his face light up the others around him, well that's just a clear successful person. Clearly a person with a light in their heart. A candle for others to see by.
Knowledge can set one free. Knowing for a fact that the only way he would get close to me is if he was allowed. If my father allowed him. And even more importantly if I allowed him. If I wanted to speak with him I always had my family present. And as the weeks went by and his family clearly shone in admiration of him and love and strong character, there was no other answer. The straight path was obvious. During continuous prayer. Being conscious of what I feared of this life and what might be better, it was clear that you were what I needed to walk away from.
Soon I was going to be the wife, the partner in life, the equally committed being in the proper relationship that love should solidify into. I was the wearer of the ring that simply meant that they wished to present me something to beautify myself and not to claim me. Something I never had to return even if our marriage did not last. Your ring, by the way, it's in the mail. I sent the cheque to a charity organization called SMILE in Canada.
This new ring had a meaning of acceptance, of commitment. Without the ring there was still commitment and with it I was still accepted. My friends did not think of me as belonging to anyone. I was connected to him. A life partner. The matched soul. I didn't have to wear a branded label all the time as you forced me. I wore a piece of jewelry that told the world that yes, I was soon to be married, but yet I was not claimed, not stolen. Not Trapped. Not lost in a waiting period of nothing. I had chosen, and accepted someone. I have chosen and been accepted by someone with great character.
No more anxiety, no more worries of being caught in those dark places you took me, those private meetings did not exist. I had brightness and freshness. Protection from the dark looming dangers of the relationship you strung me along on. My father would be with me to meet my fiance. Only when I was married would we be free to meet as a couple should. Before this we were still not each others completely. There was no point to meet alone. No reason to be lurking around. No hopes around such meetings to lead anywhere good.
Married, we would be completely accepted by each other and committed. No lost contacts, or far away emotions. Love and mercy and a true relationship. Rights. Freedom. Proper freedom. Not the despairing freedoms you pulled me down into. A true freedom of being together with one I love, really love, as there is no fear of disappearance without reason. No branding. No burning stables lit up by sins and burning me for eternity. No traps. Instead, a path, a clear path. A promise by God that nikkah(marriage) would increase the love between two people. A person to reflect upon life with, and enjoy. Safely. Happily. Perfectly. The way God intended. A couple. No lists. No secrets.
Your sister will be attending my wedding. However, my new fiance and father already put your face to memory. Don't plan on sneaking in. He's a black belt too.
It's so strange to see a new piece of jewelry. A gift. Especially a gift from someone new. I always heard gifts increased love and care between people. Really made social bonds stronger. But in this western culture giving a ring means so much less, it means a contract, it means the ownership of another over the wearer. It means that all over the world I suppose. This little band too often brands a person to another as taken. As belonging. As owned.
But to me, it's a symbol. When I got that first ring from you and it linked me so completely like glue, I never felt so crumbly. You never let me call me you my fiance. You never let me question wedding dates or even tell my parents. Everyone called me yours. I was no longer mine. I was a girl-friend. A woman who was available to you for affection, for going out with when it was convenient, a person who could be easily let go. A person who could be so completely attached to you and yet so easily severed. You let them label me girlfriend. You let our friends see me as temporary, as less than special, as less than unique. I was something replaceable. A girlfriend. I could become a name in a list of many.
This is how it's done here. You told me that so much I almost let myself be lost to you that day. How can you believe in following the immoral culture here of listing out the forgotten loves. How can it be love when it is so temporary. Love is consuming, full, fresh, enduring and strong. How can you call it love when you meet at a surface level, with shy emotions of love disappearing to be rash and raw, with no caring commitment ensured to each other beyond perhaps a ring? A label of love with no deep reflection or decision of having a family before you move too far. A little band, so easily gone from a finger, another so soon replacing it. Another could so soon have replaced me.
Months ago when I first met your sister I felt a little bit of care in a place so nearby to you I was finally set straight. Your care was not real, you had a contract assumed with your name signed into a band and secured onto my finger. Finally I stood free. Your fictional ties and securing, while reigning me in too close, had become clear. Cramped and crunched into your life and bowing to your decisions had me locked into a stable I could not even see. The hard wooden structure of your controlling affection was a fire hazard. The smoke had me coughing and kneeling down to the ground. I dropped to my knees and found myself in the perfect position to pray. And how I prayed during those last drops of night for freedom and a path of safety and good, had you seen you would have considered me a prisoner yourself.
Arrogant man. Demon.
You almost burnt me alive.
I had to take sanctuary. So I visited the center of the community. What some say is the equivalent of God's house. Some say it is the hospital for the soul. I went every week to sisters' circles. My local musjid had talks for women and understanding their rights and freedoms more comprehensively. The women that came were stronger than me, they had a real grasp on life, they told me that I had a right to be an individual. A right to a full commitment before I gave even one blink of myself away. And while I was with you I had become such a nothing that their advice made me strong, I had taken the wise assurance of these intelligent women and now I see that ring you put on me was more of a nothing than what I had become. How could I ever get a care out of you without a real marriage? You could vanish too easily after trapping me. Even your sister decided to help me find a better potential spouse when I met her there a few times.
She figured you out. And a month later she introduced me to her husband's friend. I can't be a passer of judgement here, but honestly, just praying for someone better and having him walk into my parent's living room and witnessing the brightness of his face light up the others around him, well that's just a clear successful person. Clearly a person with a light in their heart. A candle for others to see by.
Knowledge can set one free. Knowing for a fact that the only way he would get close to me is if he was allowed. If my father allowed him. And even more importantly if I allowed him. If I wanted to speak with him I always had my family present. And as the weeks went by and his family clearly shone in admiration of him and love and strong character, there was no other answer. The straight path was obvious. During continuous prayer. Being conscious of what I feared of this life and what might be better, it was clear that you were what I needed to walk away from.
Soon I was going to be the wife, the partner in life, the equally committed being in the proper relationship that love should solidify into. I was the wearer of the ring that simply meant that they wished to present me something to beautify myself and not to claim me. Something I never had to return even if our marriage did not last. Your ring, by the way, it's in the mail. I sent the cheque to a charity organization called SMILE in Canada.
This new ring had a meaning of acceptance, of commitment. Without the ring there was still commitment and with it I was still accepted. My friends did not think of me as belonging to anyone. I was connected to him. A life partner. The matched soul. I didn't have to wear a branded label all the time as you forced me. I wore a piece of jewelry that told the world that yes, I was soon to be married, but yet I was not claimed, not stolen. Not Trapped. Not lost in a waiting period of nothing. I had chosen, and accepted someone. I have chosen and been accepted by someone with great character.
No more anxiety, no more worries of being caught in those dark places you took me, those private meetings did not exist. I had brightness and freshness. Protection from the dark looming dangers of the relationship you strung me along on. My father would be with me to meet my fiance. Only when I was married would we be free to meet as a couple should. Before this we were still not each others completely. There was no point to meet alone. No reason to be lurking around. No hopes around such meetings to lead anywhere good.
Married, we would be completely accepted by each other and committed. No lost contacts, or far away emotions. Love and mercy and a true relationship. Rights. Freedom. Proper freedom. Not the despairing freedoms you pulled me down into. A true freedom of being together with one I love, really love, as there is no fear of disappearance without reason. No branding. No burning stables lit up by sins and burning me for eternity. No traps. Instead, a path, a clear path. A promise by God that nikkah(marriage) would increase the love between two people. A person to reflect upon life with, and enjoy. Safely. Happily. Perfectly. The way God intended. A couple. No lists. No secrets.
Your sister will be attending my wedding. However, my new fiance and father already put your face to memory. Don't plan on sneaking in. He's a black belt too.