I'm What Time and Consequence Have Made Me

After the night I spent falling asleep in John O’Callaghan’s arms I quickly decided that I needed a break from people. I had begun falling into a trap; a trap that I had made a silent oath to myself years ago that I would never fall into. I was convinced that I didn’t need any more people in my life, I had plenty, maybe not many in this country but I still had a handful of friends back home and for me that was more than enough. Regardless to my social break, John was relentlessly bombarding me with messages. Constantly pestering me and no matter how hard I tried to be blunt when replying to his endless texts, the message I was trying to send him just didn’t seem to sink into his brain and he just wouldn’t give up. I won’t lie, it was kind of nice having someone else to speak to other than Austin and the fact that he wouldn’t give up made me feel strangely happy but regardless, after the events that occurred the other night I was trying my hardest to push him away. I don’t need him in my life, I kept telling myself but an unfamiliar part of me desired to be in his arms again.
I had just got through the front door of my house after a twelve hour shift when my phone started ringing. Seriously? I can’t even get through the door without his obsessive calling. But as I pulled the phone out from my pocket I noticed that it wasn’t him at all: it was Polly. Polly was one of my good friends back home, she was one of the only people I actually bothered to say goodbye to before I hopped on the first plane to Alaska and she was also one of the very few that I still spoke to from back home.
“Hey.” I answered as I planted my ass onto the sofa, exhausted after my long shift.
“Uh-oh, someone doesn’t seem too happy.” She said, picking up on my kame mood immediately.
I laughed, “Just had a long shift, I’m pretty tired.”
“And what else?”
“What do you mean?” I asked slightly confused.
“Oh come on Hazel, tiredness isn’t the only thing wrong with you; I can hear it in your voice, what else is up?” I smiled to myself. Polly knew me far too well.
I sighed, “People.” I stated and I could almost picture her rolling her eyes down the other end of the phone. “Austin somehow got me to socialise the other night and well, it’s just gone downhill since then.”
“Stop being such a pessimist. But seriously, you socialised? Tell me everything.”
I groaned but proceeded to tell her it all anyway. Every single detail was included from the two nights I had spent outside of my comfort zone and right up to the point where I mentioned I was trying to get John to leave me alone. She wasn’t impressed by that part at all. “God Hazel, you need to stop shutting yourself off from everyone. It’s kinda weird.” She said bluntly causing me to laugh again. I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me doing it.
“I’m being serious Hazel, it’s worrying and you need to live a little or one day you’re going to look back on your life and realise that you have no good memories, only bad ones and missed opportunities and if you don’t stop now, this is going to become one of those missed opportunities.” I frowned slightly at what she was telling me and patted the couch beside me making Ringo jump beside me and them curl up on my lap. His presence was comforting.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I huffed.
“Don’t play dumb, it’s obvious that this guy is having some effect on you. I mean Jesus, I don’t think we’ve ever even talked about boys before and you’ve spent the last hour telling me everything about this one so stop trying to push him and everyone else away.”
“Polly.” I warned, “Stop acting like my mum.” She just laughed it off before carrying on with her serious speech.
“I’m just saying, I know you and I honestly think that if you keep ignoring this poor boy, who, may I add, is clearly showing some interest in you, then I think you’re going to regret it.”
“Whatever.” I told her before quickly changing the conversation topic. “How are you and everyone else back home?”
“Smooth Hazel, just change the topic.” She laughed catching me out but she quickly dove into stories of everyone back home and how everyone was doing. Conversations with people from back home always filled me with both happiness and sadness. Happiness because it was always nice to hear from them, especially the ones who helped me through the tough times back there but I couldn’t help but feeling sad whenever I spoke to them because of all the stories of people I used to be friends with made me pang with guilt for leaving them all behind and just missed them all too much to the point where I actually wished I was still back home.
“I miss you all.” I told her.
“You should come visit Hazel, we all miss you like hell.” She said with a tinge of pleading in her voice.
Frowning to myself I replied, “You know I can’t, there’s too many bad memories back there but you know you’re all welcome to come up here whenever you want.”
“It’s freezing over there. I honestly don’t know why you picked Alaska out of all the places in the world.”
“England is cold too y’know.”
“Yes, but not nearly as cold as Alaska but if you refuse to come home then I’ll come visit you soon okay?” I agreed and then we both said our goodbyes before hanging up on one another. I sighed and stroked Ringo’s ears for a bit not knowing what to do or how to feel about anything. He stirred from his slumber and ever so slightly, nuzzled his face into my leg.
Although I didn’t want to believe it, everything Polly had said was right. I was completely missing out on life and one day, I wasn’t going to have any good memories to look back on. Sighing with uncertainty, I picked up my phone and twirled it between my fingers for a couple seconds before flipping through the previous texts between John and myself. I felt like a bitch reading through them, the bluntness was unreal and I felt sorry for him especially after he spilled all his drunken secrets to me the other night.
I clicked the ‘new message’ button and quickly typed out: are you doing anything tomorrow? Before hitting send.
He replied within an instant:
Nope, why?
I was wondering if you wanted to do something tomorrow. No alcohol this time though, I’ve had enough hangovers this week to last me a life time.
I’ll drop by at one.
For once, I actually felt excited for something.