Phobia.

I woke up for the second day with his arm over me, with his skin touching mine.

But this time I felt like my skull was trying to rip through my scalp, and that bothered me far more than the contact.

In fact I wanted to push further into him, to feel the gentle heat radiating from him. I lifted my head slightly, eyes bleary but able to make out the red numbers blaring at me. 07:18.
We had only stumbled in around three...I think.

I felt the heat flush over me as last night again replayed in my mind.

My back against the wall, my dress hitched around my hips, one leg wrapped around him.
I blinked hard, willing myself to go back to sleep.
But I couldn’t, I didn’t want to be awake with him.
I didn’t know how he would feel about last night, the alley, back at his flat our clothes littered the floor.

Would he regret it?
I pushed myself onto him.
It may have been pity.

I rubbed a hand over my face, the black smudge of mascara and eyeliner on my palm a hint at how my face must look.
Probably about as messy as my mind.

He shuffled, his arm moving up, dropping over my waist and shifting closer to me. When he inhaled his chest brushed against my shoulder blades.

And I melted again.
Melted into him.
_________________

I woke up again, feeling feathers dancing on my shoulder, my hair tickling my scalp as I moved.
It took me a few seconds to break out of that dreamland and back into reality, they were his hands, thumbs rubbing lightly on my shoulder, fingers playing with the frazzled curls spread over the pillow.

“I know you’re awake.” He said after a couple of minutes passed, the hands moving from me as his lay heavily back down fully, “I’m sorry about last night.”
I winced, sucking my dry lips. He did regret it.

Stupid stupid Keira.

I felt the easy tears strike me, “Keira?” I kept silent, letting them roll down my cheeks, my face turned away from him. He sighed, his back cracking as he stood, shuffling around the room and into the bathroom, the shower sound hitting me a few seconds later allowing me finally to take the gasping wheezy breath I had held in.

Rolling onto my back I wiped fiercely at my face, the black now coating my fingers.
I’d ruined it, went too far, pushed him into something that was right under the haze of alcohol but wrong without.

Whatever affection was building, the butterflies dancing in my gut.
I’d broken that, tainted it.

I scrambled through what had become my bedside cabinet, rubbing a face wipe so hard over my skin it hurt, no doubt turning red under the pressure.

And then I threw clothes on, shoved a stick of gun in my mouth, a spritz of the perfume in my bag as I hitched it over my shoulder and left the apartment.

I needed air.
I needed space.
And I needed to work out what the fuck was happening.

I walked for hours, the trainers starting out comfortable but forming a blister on my heel that stung with every movement. The cold air piercing me through my thin jacket.
I looked like hell, I felt like hell.

I stopped eventually, now deep within Oldtown, close to the narrows.
Close to the apartment Jonathon and I had grown up in.
More I than him I suppose.

Standing there I could suddenly remember every little thing.
The hungry nights, the way he sacrificed food for me.

The long days, the school reports. She doesn’t speak

Him forcing me to speak, starting with screaming, crying.
What came after that was no more than mental torture.
As he developed his abilities, his pleasure at it.

I hadn’t meant to end up here, I had meant to go to Selina’s, to bitch, to find out things.
I didn’t even know what my plan was.

But being here.
There was a new family in the window, a young girl, no doubt had a baby too soon, couldn’t get back to school, couldn’t get a job.

Did I really have it that bad? Or was that another thing programmed into me by him.
How much of the me, even the me in my head...was me?

How much of it was his influence, his creation.

It was a question I had always wanted answering.
But had always feared the answer.

I wanted to burn it down, the flat, to try and burn those memories away, to watch them drift away with the smoke.

To burn the past shadows of us both.
I was still a shadow of it all.
_________________________________

He had left the key behind a scrunched up envelope in the corner by his door.
It was the one Bruce had left us the money in, the writing soaked into the paper further but still visible. I held it in my hand as I opened the door, keeping it there as I sat on the cold sofa.

That was one, represented with that envelope.
One person who cared about me...me and Blake.

Blake himself was another, whatever poisonous thoughts struck they could no longer convince me he didn’t care at all. He did, he wouldn’t have done this for any other reason. There was no payment by Gordon, and there seemed to be no pity.

Last night however was a whole different matter.

Gordon, after everything over the last eight years, he had always had a sense of care, and I had always liked him.

That made three.

There was Anna, although there was a more bi-polar relationship, friends and enemies in the same minute. The vision of her dead flickered behind my eyelids and I tried to focus on something else, burning again as it strayed to Blake kissing my neck, holding my gaze.
Selina...debatable...trustworthy?

Still three.
I blinked heavily, my gaze lingering on the envelope as I straightened it out.

Three wasn’t bad.

And the most important one of the three arrived home at the moment. Not giving me chance to open my mouth, to try and speak about last night, to explain if he did indeed regret it.

“We arrested Selina Kyle.” My mouth clamped shut, “Your ‘friend’” he continued. “She knew Batman, he’s gone...Bruce, Batman...gone and she said she...doesn’t know if he’s alive or not and...”

“Blake breathe.”

“She was the Selina you mentioned the other day.” I nodded mutely, his words fast, “You know she knew Bruce...Batman?” I shook my head, “She never mentioned it?” I shook my head again, “But she mentioned Bane..you said that.” I remained still. “Fuck, well Bane did something to Bruce, he’s gone...dead, gone? We don’t even know.”

“You arrest her?” Now he nodded.

“Yeah, she was the kidnapper of the senator.”

Well that explained why she had been at the Harvey Dent party at Bruce Waynes’.

“Your name, well, sometimes yours, others I know you give is splattered all over her file...I thought you were careful Keira?”

“I was...most of the time, I don’t get it...where have you sent Selina?” He was agitated, pacing slightly, running his hand through his gelled hair.

“Blackgate, they put her in Blackgate but...we need to tell Gordon.”

“We will in a minute okay? Seriously Blake calm down.”

“What if he’s dead?! After everything, he was supposed to come back, to sort this out, not dump it on us...”

“That isn’t what he’s doing, Blake.” I took a step forward, pulling the hand from, “We...” I sighed, “We’ll go and see Gordon in a little bit okay?” He nodded, still breathing heavily, one hand resting over mine.

“Okay.” I sucked on my lower lip, letting the hand fall, clasp my own and leading him to the couch, moving quickly to grab him a glass of water, shocked by his agitation, his panic.

Shocked not because he shouldn’t be, but how much.
I was worried myself, about Selina, about Bruce.
But he was Batman, he beat everything he came back.
I swallowed deeply, he would come back.

He had too.

But Selina, in Blackgate, surrounded by mass murderers...the thought made me wince, although she had done more than enough to deserve it, lucky to have avoided it this long.

I placed the glass on the small table, sitting cautiously, legs crossed facing him.
His hero was gone, his icon since childhood had vanished right when he needed him most.

I stayed silent until he moved, taking a sip of the water.

“Let’s go see Gordon.” He glanced at me, “You might need to get...tidied up.” I grimaced suddenly remembering my poor appearance and darted towards the bed, quickly changing into some better clothes, slapping foundation over my pale face, a splash of mascara, a brush through my hair and another over my teeth.

“Okay,” I called, suddenly feeling tired from my lack of sleep, the reality of Blake’s words finally hitting home. “Want me to drive?”

“I can,” He said quickly, although he shot me a thankful smile and I bit down the want to ask him about last night, where this left us.
What we were.

The ride to the hospital was silent, Blake driving a little too fast, his turns a bit too tight.
My seatbelt didn’t feel tight enough.
Again we practically ran into the room, Blake having to announce at the front desk that the ‘detectives’ were here.

“So you think our friend is gone again?” Gordon asked, a nurse helping his sit upright, Blake nodded.

“This time...he might not be coming back.” his voice was grave, pained, his face taut.

“We heard off of a friend of mine...he may be in the sewer.” Gordon frowned deeply going to reply when Foley burst in and a decision was made.

And as it turned out it was a terrible one.
__________________________________________

The forms lay sprawled out in front of us, addresses of Dagget’s cement plants, several calls to find out where they had laid cement.

“Blake.” I said carefully, the red pen in hand making circles on a large map of Gotham. He glanced at me quickly, “I wanted to...”

“Talk about last night?” I murmured a yes, “I just...I don’t know what to say.” I swallowed hard.

“You regret it?” He didn’t answer straight away and I felt my throat clog again, his voice raising again.

Imagine Keira, getting so attached to the first person to show you any affection in years, how pathetic.

“Fine.” I cut him off, grabbing his notebook full of scrawls and holding it to my face, blocking it from his view as my bleary eyes stared at the lines.

I suddenly felt the need for my notebook, to mark off these last days, to count them all, to work out, if anything, how long I had lived.

I had to live long enough to prove Jonathon wrong, to spite him.

“Don’t do that.” I ignored him, succeeding until he snatched and flung the book across the room, “Do not assume and close off again, every time, every fucking time we seem to break a barrier you lift up three more.” I chewed the inside of my cheek, trying to hold my anger in check. He sighed heavily, his body crouched over mine in an awkward position, “You don’t realise how much of a head fuck you can be.”

“Oh I understand just fine, considering it’s just fucking head.” My teeth gritted and I saw he regretted his words, regretted again bringing up my lack of sanity. “But you are no better.” I went to stand but the way he was stopped me, leaving me trapped between him and the couch.

“Yes I am, as mean as it sounds I am...but you won’t see that because you’ve convinced yourself you’re not worth it, you’ve let him, everything convince you you’re unlovable, insane...You’re not. You’re making yourself that way for no reason.” I fought back a scoff, a part of me longing to believe him. I opened my mouth and again he shot me down.

“I don’t see that, no-one sees what you believe you are.” He paused, “And I know you can’t get beyond that you think there is an ulterior motive behind everything I do, but I promise you there is not. I am doing these things because I want to, okay?”

His eyes bore into my face until I nodded, still trying to avoid his gaze.

“Then why did you apologise earlier, if you claim you want to?” I felt his frown, my stare on his chest in front of me.

“The situation was wrong...you just...”

“Ruined it again.” My voice cracked slightly and I again pathetically trying to get past him.

“No.” His voice took on a harder edge, “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have followed you, taken you in, kissed you...last night was just...the situation was wrong, it shouldn’t have happened there. I...” the hardness melted away.

“I didn’t want you to think that it was all you were worth, some shitty alley way downtown, some drunken mess, because..you’re not. None of this would be happening if you weren’t worth far more than that.”

My heart elated and deflated at the same time.
I was speechless yet bursting to speak.

I just didn’t know what to say, how to express myself.
I’d never been worth anything.

“Keira,” I dragged my neck up to meet his eyes, shocked by the shine of tears, mine, as always, released down my cheeks. “I don’t do anything unless I want to, and I want to help you, I want you to realise how...worth it all you are.” I nodded weakly. “I want you.”

He finished, he moved his hand to wipe my face, losing his awkward balance and landing almost on top of me, causing me to squeal and giggle, finally able to move my face close to him.

“I want you too.”