Lover Dearest

Lover Dearest

Uncontrollable tremors surged through Josh’s body as he sat alone in the confined space of his bunk. He placed his shaky palms over his closed eyes and let out a choppy breath. The sound, although very slight, managed to echo through the quiet bus and Josh faintly hoped he wouldn’t wake his fellow band members. This hadn’t happened for a while now, but once the thoughts had sparked the memories hidden deep in the back of his mind, his body reacted in the worst way.

Insomnia was a bitch, but impulse was the devil.

Images of crimson liquid and defined dips and curves flashed behind his closed eyes. Josh quickly removed his hands and stared at the wall of his bunk. He wouldn’t give in, he just wouldn’t. He had worked far too hard, been sober for far too long, to give in to a 3a.m. temptation.

The singer kept his composure as he attempted to calm his breathing. Just like they taught you. In, 2, 3, 4. Out, 2, 3, 4. His chest rose and fell rapidly, the textbook remedy failing. A broken sob escaped his lips and Josh felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He needed release, needed to slip back inside of his old habit just for a moment. You can’t kill depression; just drown it until it needs to breathe.

A faint knock caused Josh to freeze. “Josh? Are you awake?” Matt’s voice whispered from behind the curtain. The younger peeled back the curtain and his eyes widened upon meeting the singer’s. His dyed locks lay in a disheveled mess on his head, his usually sparkling eyes were replaced with puffiness, and his thin frame shook where it sat. A gorgeous travesty.

“Josh?” “Just leave Matt.” He said, his voice only dipping at the very end. “Like hell.” Matt replied. The younger climbed in to the bunk and closed the curtain behind him. Instantly, he grabbed Josh’s wrists and began rubbing smooth circles over his veins. They sat in silence as Matt comforted his friend until he was ready to speak. He knew he needed space, he knew he needed time, but he also knew he couldn’t be alone.

Josh tore his hands away from Matt’s and edged towards the curtain. “Whoa, where are you going?” the younger questioned, grabbing him by the shirt. “T-to the bathroom-m.” He stuttered, as his body shook violently. “No, you don’t need to do that Josh. Everything is-“ “No it’s not Matt! Stop pretending you know what this is like, because you fucking don’t.”

Matt stared at his friend, dumbfounded at his sudden outburst. A tear slipped from his baby blues as he took in the younger’s expression. “I-I’m sorry.” Matt opened his arms as Josh fell in to a fit of sobs. “Matt, I’m so so sorry-y. P-please forgive me?” “Shh, it’s okay Josh.” He replied.

The guitarist could feel the tears soaking his shirt, but he held his friend close nevertheless. Things hadn’t been this bad since high school. Josh had gotten better, sober, and clean; but now the nostalgia of hurt and comfort hit Matt so hard he could barely think straight. He held his friend’s head tight to his chest as his mind raced for a better remedy.

“This place is a hole and I don’t want to go. I wish we could stay here forever alone.”

Josh raised his head from Matt’s chest and watched his friend in a state of wonder. “What are you-“ “This time that we waste, but I still love your taste. Don’t let him take my place, don’t just sit there.” He continued to sing as he brushed the hair from his eyes and the tears from his cheeks. The singer’s eyes fluttered shut at the sound of his voice and Matt leaned down to nuzzle at his neck.

“Sometimes I wish you would leave me. Well, I’m not sick of you yet, is this as good as it gets?”

A muffled moan escaped Josh’s lips as his breath tickled the sensitive skin behind his ear. Matt raised his head and rested it against his friend’s. He gently pushed back on the singer’s shoulders, causing him to lie down in the small bunk.

“I’ll just say it, or I could slip in to you. It’s so easy to come back in to you.”

Their bodies fit perfectly against each others as Matt lowered himself so that their faces were mere centimeters apart. “I stand for a while and waited for words, seen but not heard and struggled to try.” The words stolen from the singer’s mouth now ghosted back, tickling his lips beautifully. “My tongue’s turning black, but I’ll take you back. You’re still the best more or less, I guess.”

Josh pressed forward, connecting them together at last. The younger sighed and rested a hand on his hip, itching to be even closer. Their lips mingled like their bodies, in perfect harmony and rhythm. The singer licked Matt’s bottom lip testily, asking for entrance. He allowed it with ease, and Josh’s mind was at ease, only focusing on Matt.

The younger separated his lips from Josh’s with a pop and gasped for air. He ran his fingers through the blue and black locks and rested their foreheads together. “Don’t you leave me Ramsay, I’m not sick of you yet.” He whispered with a slight force that made the singer shiver slightly. “I mean it Josh. You have me, you don’t have to do this alone.” He gently kissed Matt’s cheek and managed a smile. “Yes, lover dearest.”

And the bitter in you and the quitter in me is better than the both of us.