Shed a Tear

My heart was hammering so quickly against my chest that I feared it'd burst right through my skin any moment now. I took my breaths in shifts, holding each puff of oxygen for as long as my lungs would allow before inhaling another. Every step I took inched me closer to paranoia. I feared that perhaps someone was following closely behind me and that my own footsteps were drowning theirs out.

I jumped over the puddles of wet grass having been created by the heavy rainfall earlier on in the day. As I took the last leap, I peered over my shoulders, making sure that there was no one following me. I hugged the black sweater I was wearing closer to my body, and walked to the rear of the old, abandoned house. The windows to the back door had been broken and smashed time and time again, eventually wearing out the real estate agent who'd tried to repair it some years ago. I enclosed my hand around the doorknob, giving it a turn before stepping inside.

The door shut behind me, making me jump. I held a hand over my heart and shook my head, trying to calm myself down. I tiptoed through the house, the wooden floors beneath my feet creaking with each and every step. The walls had been covered with graffiti and monstrous drawings. As I entered what would have been the living room, I froze in place.

Covering the large wall before me was the one symbol that made my skin crawl. It was the very cause for why I, along with my family members and so many others, constantly lived our lives in fear. It made a nauseous feeling grow inside of my stomach and I felt my hands tighten into fists, the skin over my knuckles going white.

"Boo!" a voice came from behind, startling me. I jumped and if I hadn't been so hyperaware of where I was and what I was doing, I was positive I would've screamed. "Calm down, Josie. It's just me," he stated, using his hands to gesture towards himself.

I shook my head, surprised that I hadn't had a heart attack yet. "You scared me, Matt! Do you have any idea what'll happen to me if I get caught? They'll kill me! They'll kill me and-"

He slapped a large hand over my mouth, a frown set on his plump lips. "Don't," he warned, his hypnotizing hazel orbs narrowing.

I settled for nodding my head and when he pulled his hand away, I took a moment to look him over. Unlike me, who'd opted to go for black pants and a black hoodie in an attempt to camouflage into the night, Matt was wearing a white wife beater underneath a red dress shirt, the buttons left unfastened, and blue jeans, the chain from his wallet hanging near the left pocket. There was a heavy pair of black Doc Marten boots cladding his feet and as I brought my stare back to his upper half, I reached a hand out, touching his freshly shaven head.

"I wish you could let your hair grow out," I whispered, making him chuckle.

"I do, too," he rasped before grabbing my hand and bringing it to his lips, placing a kiss against my skin. "It's been too fucking long, Josephine. I've missed you."

The tone of his voice and his words made my heart flutter and without thinking, I wrapped my arms tightly around his torso, pulling him into a hug. I could hear the humming of his heart against my ear and I closed my eyes, absolutely loving to hear that sound. "I've missed you, too, Mattie."

I felt him place a kiss against the crown of my head as his arms tightened around me. "I've only got two hours tonight, babe." I pulled away from his chest, looking up at him with an argument ready on my tongue, but he shook his head. "I'm already treading dark waters with Brian and the others, Josie. I've got to take what I can get without giving them any reasons to be suspicious."

I let out a long sigh, my eyes falling to the tattoo on his chest. It was peeking out from under the wife beater and I used my fingers to pull the fabric down, allowing me to get a full visual. Much like the identical symbol on the living room wall, it did exactly what its purpose was: put fear in me.

"I fucking hate that symbol, Matt. I hate it and everything that it's come to fucking stand for!" I stated vehemently, tracing the black inked swastika.

"Believe it or not, I've come to hate it, too," Matt breathed, and the hint of fear in his voice didn't go unheard.

I stood on the tips of my toes, allowing me to press my lips against his. His large hands cradled my head, holding me in place until we'd both gotten what we'd needed. When I pulled away, I looked into his eyes. "Are you scared?"

"To death," he admitted, staring straight into my brown orbs. "Are you?"

"Shitless," I confessed, making him laugh.

"We're in this together, Josephine," he told me, using the pad of his right thumb to brush against the apple of my cheek. "If anything happens - if anyone finds out - I'll do whatever I can to protect you and your family. Do you believe me?" I could only nod my head, not strong enough to find my voice. He smiled. "Te amo."

"You better not let anyone hear you say that," I teased before touching my nose against his. "I love you, too."

A wide grin broke out across his face and without saying a word, he pulled me further into the living room until we reached a tattered mustard colored couch. It had stuffing coming out from the cushions and there was a certain musty smell accompanying the furniture, but it was our only option and so we took our seats. He cradled me close to his chest, his fingers running through my hair, making me instantly relax.

When I first met Matt, it had been outside of a corner store. I was waiting for my older brother, Victor, to finish buying whatever it was when I saw a group of all white boys approaching the front. Panic instantly took over my body, because this was our side of the neighborhood; the place where we were supposed to feel safe. They weren't allowed to be here - nothing good ever came from their kind visiting.

"Look what we have here, boys," one with high cheekbones said, his brown eyes raking over my body.

A shiver went down my spine, and I gripped the pocketknife that Victor had told me to keep in the pocket of my jeans. "You're not supposed to be here," I spat as all five men circled me as if they were sharks and I was merely prey.

"You gonna stop us?" one with a pair of beautiful green eyes and snake bites asked. In the blink of an eye, he'd grabbed my left wrist, causing my heart to skip a beat. "That was easier than I thought."

"Get the fuck away from me!" I yelled, trying to pull my hand free from his grasp."Victor!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, praying to God that he would wear me over the radio station playing inside the small building.

"Your boyfriend isn't gonna be able to save you, you fucking spic," brown eyes spoke, and I noticed that the others nodded their head at his words; as if they were all his little followers.

"Fuck you, you asshole!"

The leader's eyes narrowed into slits and the vein in his neck began protruding; he looked as if he were all too ready to kill me. I was suddenly grabbed from one hold into another. This man's arms were strong, pure muscle, and their solid chest was pressed flushed against my back, making me lose my breath. This man could kill me without even truly trying.

"That was a bit disrespectful, doll. Why don't you try apologizing?" the raspy voice whispered into my ear, making goosebumps prickle on my skin.

I turned my head slightly, my eyes meeting a pair of hazel orbs. He was giving me a stern look, but I wasn't going to apologize. Whipping my head back around, I met the chocolate gaze once more. "Chinga tu madre, pendejo," I told him, speaking each word slowly and precisely.

"You fucking wet-"

"Let go of her," a lethal voice spoke.

I met the stare of my older brother, who had his eyes fixated on the muscled man behind me. Hazel eyes, however, didn't even bother to lighten his grip.

"We don't take orders from your people," a tall man with blue eyes spoke up. "Your kind follows our orders."

Victor's jaw clenched. "Don't forget you're in our backyard, gringo." He took a step away from the doors of the store, gripping onto the waistband of his black pants. "You start shit here, you're as good as dead."

Brown eyes suddenly didn't look so confident. "Let her go, Shadows," he said through clenched teeth. "Let's get the fuck out of here. These fucking beaners aren't worth our time." With that, he turned on his heels and began walking away, as if he already knew the others would follow him.

And they did.

All but one.

"You're one lucky girl."

I turned around, coming face to face with 'Shadows'. "I'm sure."

A smirk tugged at his full lips, and his rough hand caressed the right side of my face, making me shiver. He noticed. "Count your blessings, beautiful," he breathed before turning around to follow his group.

It was him calling me 'beautiful' that truly captivated me. No boy, white, black, or brown, had ever addressed me as such and it left me feeling extremely puzzled. I hadn't known it, but 'Shadows' had started watching me and two weeks after the incident at the corner store, we'd run into each other once more.

It was during that meeting that he told me his name was Matthew. We'd talked for hours before realizing that we both had lost track of time. Before leaving, we'd arranged to meet again and over the past seven and a half months, that's how it been between Matt and I. We sneak away from our family and friends to meet ... to be able to share our love with each other.

"You're quiet, baby girl," Matt stated, breaking me out of my reverie.

I glanced at him, trying to smile. "I'm just thinking about things."

"What sorts of things?"

I couldn't help but to sigh. Matthew was persistent and it was a quality that could irk my nerve like nothing else. "I just ... how much longer can we keep doing this before someone finds out, Matt? And what happens when they do? They kill me and you two carry on your merry way. A dead brown girl will be nothing new in the papers."

A squeal escaped my lips as Matt gripped my hips, pulling me right onto his lap, allowing me to straddle him. His hazel eyes darted back and forth between my own and I couldn't help but to bite down on my bottom lip.

"Did you not hear a damn word I told you earlier, Josie?" he questioned, clearly a little annoyed with me himself. "I won't let any motherfucker come near you. You're my girl and I love you. I'll die before I witness someone ever hurt you," he stated matter-of-factly and with such sincerity in his tone.

I cradled his face in my hands, tears accumulating in my eyes. "I love you, too, Matthew. So much," I whisper as my voice began to shake. "I just ... this fear ... the fear of your people have been put into my brain since I was a little girl. It's not easy for me to overcome that."

Matt nodded his head, letting me know he understood. "It's alright, Josie. I just need to know that you trust me."

"Of course I trust you, Mattie," I stated, making a smile erupt on his face; putting his deep dimples on full display. "I love your dimples," I cooed, trying to poke them with my index fingers.

He smacked my hand away, laughing. "No touching, babe. I don't know where the fuck your hands have been."

I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "That's rich, coming from you."

He held up his hands, wiggling his fingers in my face. "You know my fingers have only been in you, Josie." His words made the blood rush to my cheeks, and I bowed my head. His hands gripped my ass, making me give out a small moan. "Only my fingers have been in you, right, Josie?" he asked, a possessive tone coming through; it was something that I loved, if I were being honest.

I closed my eyes, nodding my head. "Only yours, Mattie."

His hand came down on my ass, giving me a gentle, but firm smack. "You're for my eyes only, doll." That statement sent a chill down my spine, and it wasn't just because of Matt's words. My body visibly stiffened, and he noticed. "What? Did you hear something?" he queried, glancing over my shoulder.

I shook my head, letting out a slow breath. "Matt ... there's ... there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

He retracted his hands from my waist, his jaw slightly clenching. "Go ahead."

I rolled my eyes at his quick assumption. "I haven't done anything, so put your fucking hands back where they belong," I told him.

He gave a sheepish smile as he placed his hands back around me. "Sorry."

I nodded my head and looked down at my hands, which were fumbling around with the buttons of his shirt. I licked my lips, trying to think of a way to begin this. "A few weeks ago ... I was walking home from the store an-"

"What have I told you about that, Josephine!?"

I closed my eyes at his raised voice. "I know, but-"

"No fucking but's, Josie! I'm serious!" He tightened his grip on me. "I can't have anything happen to you. Please, just ..." He blew out a long breath. "If you have to walk somewhere, make sure someone else is with you; preferably your brother."

I nodded my head. "I will, I promise."

"Thank you," he said, kissing just on the side of my mouth. "Now, what happened when you were walking home?"

"I kept feeling like there was someone watching me and at first, I thought I was just being paranoid." I sucked in a large breath of air, trying to calm my nerves. "But when I passed by a store's window, I saw that there was a man walking behind me. He wasn't too close, but he wasn't too far away either." Matt tensed underneath my hands. "I walked as fast as I could, but I know that he followed me the entire way. It's not the first time either, Matt. When I'm hanging out with my friends, even in my own backyard, I can feel him watching me." When I finished, I realized I was shaking.

There was anger in Matt's eyes, and I could see the hues of brown becoming more prominent that those of green. "Did you see what he looked like? His skin or hair color? Was he tall or short?"

That was the one question I had dreaded him asking me, and it was only because I knew I was going to have to lie to him. I couldn't tell him the truth, and whether that was a good thing or not, I didn't exactly know.

"N-" before the 'o' could leave my mouth, there was creak coming from somewhere in the distance and Matt jumped to his feet.

He stood in front of me, his arms behind him, holding onto me. "Don't say a word, Josephine. Do you understand?" he whispered so lowly that I almost wasn't able to hear him. Feeling nothing but fear flow through my veins, I nodded my head. It was silent for several moments, but there was a pulling at my gut that told me we weren't alone. "Who's there? ... Fucking come out and show your face!" Matt's voice boomed throughout the old house and I clutched onto his arms, my heart beating quickly against my rib cage now.

If Matt and I were caught by someone from either his side or mine, blood would be shed and one of us would forever be marked as a traitor. White's and brown's were never supposed to mix; that would be an abomination.

"Matt, don't provoke them," I begged quietly.

He glanced at me. "What did I tell you?"

I opened my mouth, but once more, my answer was cut short by the sound of heavy footsteps walking across the floor. My entire body began to shake and I buried my face in Matt's back, silently scolding myself.

"He followed me," I cried.

"Jo-"

"Well, well, well," a low voice sang, tearing our gazes away from each other and onto the man standing across from us. His brown orbs darted back and forth between us, an ugly smirk on his face. "This is where you bring the girl you love, Matt? To the fucking projects?"

"What the fuck are you doing here, Brian?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that, Matt?"

A low growl escaped Matt and beneath my fingertips, I could feel his body heat rising. "You don't fucking follow me around! I may take orders from you when it comes to the shit we do, but you damn fucking sure don't dictate anything else in my life."

Brian shakes his head, his thin lips set in a straight line. "Tell me, Matt, what's it like having your dick buried deep inside brown pussy? Is it just as good as our girls, 'cause I've been won-"

"You don't fucking talk about her! You understand me, Brian!? I'll slit your goddamn throat!" Matt barked so loudly that it nearly made me jump out of my skin.

Brian, however, seemed to not be bothered in the slightest. Instead, his eyes locked in on me and Matt took a step further to the side, covering me completely. "You think you're the only one who noticed her that day, Matt?" he asked, his voice lowering. "I saw her, too; saw how beautiful she was with her cinnamon skin and curves. I had to be the fucking leader, though! I had to walk away and remind myself of who I was - who we were!

"I thought you'd understood that until I noticed how you kept disappearing, making up bullshit excuses. I saw you with her; saw you kissing her. Fuck, you have no idea how bad that fucking hurt. I tried to stay away, I really did, but I couldn't. Even if you weren't with her, I had to be near her," Brian's confession rendered both Matt and I speechless for several moments.

Matt shook his head. "What are you trying to fucking say, man? Spit it the fuck out!"

"I fucking love her and I can't just stand back and let you fucking get to claim her!"

Matt's entire body trembled in my hands. "Matt, baby, cal-"

"She's mine, you motherfucker! You ever, ever fucking touch her and I'll kill you!" he yelled.

I peeked out from behind Matt and my eyes caught the glint of metal in the dark room. I gasped. "Don't! Please don't!" I begged, tears cascading down my cheeks at the thought of a bullet going into either Matt or I or both.

"I'm warning you, Brian."

A devilish smirk crossed his features. "Do you really love him, Josephine?"

"Yes," I stated without hesitation, sobbing uncontrollably now.

"Enough to die for him?" he queried, arching a dark brow.

Matt pushed me back before I could answer. "You're not answering that," he ordered.

"Matt-"

"Answer the fucking question, Josephine! Do you love him enough to die for him!?" Brian's voice permeated the air.

"Don't-"

"Yes! I'd rather you fucking kill me than him!" I screamed, earning a deadly look from Matt.

"That's not happening," he spat.

"Tell him you love him," Brian said, pointing his gun from me to Matt. When I didn't make a move, he placed his index finger right over the trigger. "Tell him you love him," he repeated, his voice eerily calm.

Fearing that my death was coming at any moment, I turned to Matt and jumped into his arms, pressing my lips harshly against his, not caring that my tears were falling onto his skin. "I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you so much and I don't regret us," I told him, my fingers clutching on tightly to his shirt.

His hands cradled my face and I could see the glazed over look in his eyes. "I love you so much, so fucking much, Josie, and I don't regret us either, doll," he stated, giving me one more peck. "But you're not doing this for me. I made a promise to you," he whispered.

"Enough! Let her go!" Brian shouted.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Matt released my arms and Brian grinned as his finger pulled the trigger, aiming it straight at my head. In the blink of an eye, Matt had thrown himself in front of me, taking the bullet. He fell to my feet, his blood pooling around my shoes already.

I began screaming at the top of my lungs, shock settling into my bones. I dropped to my knees, cradling Matt's head in my lap. I began rocking back and forth, trying desperately to get him to come back to me. "Matt ... Please, baby ... Matthew, fucking open your eyes!" I shouted hoarsely, my throat raw from screaming and crying. I narrowed my eyes as I looked up at Brian, who was placing his gun back into the waistband of his jeans. "You fucking son of a bitch! Look what you did! Look what you did!"

He simply shrugged his shoulders. "Let that be a lesson to you, Josephine. I loved you when I first saw you, too, but I knew better. I knew to stay away. This will be a message to everyone," he told me before turning around and walking away.

I couldn't do anything but tremble as I held Matt's dead body in my hands. "Shed a tear, 'cause I'm missin' you. I'm still alright to smile," I cooed softly next to Matt's ear, singing our favorite song; the song he used to always sing to me with his beautiful, raspy voice. "There is no doubt, you're in my heart now ..."