ch. 1

"Why are you doing this to me?!"

"Doing what?!"

"This! Don't you love me?!"

"Not right now, no!"

"FINE! Then I'll leave!"

-end flashback-
With that, he was gone. My love, my whole life, my kitten Alan. You see, we've been together for almost four years now, always happy and inseperable, but somewhere down the road, we began fighting nonstop. From petty little fights, to huge ones that result in one of us sleeping in another bus for the night. But this one was different. It's been a month.... He hasn't come back.

To be honest, I don't know where he went. Whenever he left, he'd sleep in either Pierce the Veil or Breathe Carolina's bus. But when I went there after he left, they said he was never there. Maybe he was bus-hopping. Already considered that. I checked every bus, from Sleeping with Sirens, to Memphis May Fire, to even You Me At Six. Nobody saw him.

I began to worry, because I still loved him. He was my little ginger princess and i missed him. Where else would he go? I called his phone multiple times, but there was never an answer. It actually goes straight to voicemail, so, either his phone was always off, or broken. He wouldn't change his number, would he?

One day, I asked my band members.

"No, Austin," Tino sighed, "We're just as lost as you are."

"We haven't heard from him since he left," Aaron said, checking his phone, "It goes to voicemail every time."

He called Alan's number again, put it on speaker, then the voicemail message came on. The same old tears welled up in these eyes that are tired of crying. That's it. I need answers! I need my Alan. I wiped a tear and walked off the bus. The guys looked at me, worried, then began to follow.

"Austin, where are we going?" Phil asked, walking alongside me.

"To find my Alan!" I exclaimed, my voice breaking.

"Where do we begin?" Phil asked, confused.

"Everywhere," I replied, walking into a building.

It was an ice cream parlor Alan and I went to for our first date, and all the ones after. Just like the first one, we always shared a hot fudge sundae, no nuts, extra hot fudge. We always sat in the booth in the back. with one glance at it, memories flooded my mind.

Alan and I sat in the booth, both nervous; you could cut the awkward with a knife. I sat there, fidgiting, while Alan sat there, looking interested in his phone. The waitress came up to the table and pulled out her notepad, smiling.

"What can I get you boys today?"

Alan looked at me, "Wanna split a sundae?"

"Sure," I shrugged.

"A hot fudge sundae, no nuts, extra hot fudge," he said, looking up from his phone.

"Sure thing, sugar!" she replied, then left.

I looked up at Alan, who put his phone away. After a few minutes, the silence was broken.

"Ya know," Alan said, looking down at his hands, "I've been having these feelings lately, these......really odd feelings. In my head, they're weird, but in my heart....they feel right."

This caught my attention. I tried to play it cool.
"Oh, who do you like?"

He sighed and shook his head. "That's just it. I don't like them. I...." he paused, "I love him."

My eyes grew wide. "Woah, that's a heavy word to throw around. You sure about this?"

"Yes! I've never been so sure of anything in my life! That's why I'm scared...."

Concern laced my voice, "Why?"

"Because.... There are a lot of factors to play when you're in love; telling them, fear of rejection, then actually making time to be with that person...which, is actually really easy for me."

"Alan," I said, mentally preparing myself for heartbreak, "Who is he?"

He took a deep breath, then said, looking at his hands again, "It's you."

I couldn't believe he was saying this. My silence made him continue.

"I'm in love with you, Austin. I have been since the band started. It's....it's hard to admit it to myself, but now, saying it out loud, just makes it feel right, like I'm supposed to say it. So..." he looks up at me, "When are you going to reject me?"

"What? Why would I reject you? Alan, I love you, too." I replied, returning his gaze.

He was quiet for a moment, then said quietly, looking down, "You wanna go out?"

I nodded, then the sundae arrived.
-end flashback-

I snapped out of my thoughts, then went up to Kathy, the waitress that always took our order.

"Have you seen alan within the last month?" I asked, desperation coating every word.

"Oh, sugar, no, I haven't. Not without you. I was wondering what happened to you two," she replied, wiping off a table.

"We had a fight, and he never came home," I drew in a shaky breath, "Nobody knows where he's at, and," another tear fell, "I have a feeling, a strong feeling, that something bad happened to him. I just, need to know he's okay."

Kathy was silent for a moment, then said, "Oh, sugar.... I'm sure he's okay.... Was it a bad fight?"

"No! we always fought, said things we didn't mean, then he'd sleep on another bus for the night. He always left after a fight, but he'd come back! He always came back! Why didn't he come back this time?!"

At this point, I was sitting at a table, my head down, crying my eyes out into my arms. Aaron, Phil and Tino all tried to comfort me, but it wasn't working. After a few minutes, I wiped away my tears and sat up.

"Guys, can we go home?" I asked, shaky.

Aaron nodded and patted my shoulder as we walked back to the bus. I told the guys I'll be fine, when I said I wanted to be alone. They went in the lounge to go play videogames, while I sat in the kitchen, against the counter, on the floor, wiping away the rest of my tears.

My thoughts raced, all different, but all about Alan. He hates me. No, he's hurt. He got killed. NO! An image of Alan's smiling face popped into my head, making the butterflies dance in my stomach. Suddenly, Alan's in a car, all mangled and bloody. He's unconsious and his clothes are torn. The scene made the butterflies spiral out of control, their wings being ripped off, causing sharp pains in my stomach.

"NO!" I yelled, reaching for the cabinet and grabbing a knife.

I stared at my wrist as the inage of Alan's mangled body solidified on it. I gripped the knife and pressed it to my wrist, slicing the new paper white skin; the blade created red lines of crimson, cutting deep. I let out a shaky breath through my teeth, then cut my other wrist, just as deep. As I began sliding to the floor, a wave of weakness washed over me. I wasn't sad anymore, I felt......calm.
The voices didn't seem calm, though. They sounded frantic, panicing as they called my name. Lifted, I was being lifted, carried somewhere. But where? I chair; I got placed onto a chair, and now Tino, I think that's tino, placed a towel on my wrists to stop the bleeding.

"Austin, why?" Aaron asked softly.

"He was bleeding, and now I am...." I trailed off.

"Well, ya bled all over the floor!" Tino exclaimed, pointing to Phil, who was wiping up a small pool of blood.

My mouth formed an "Oh" then I fixed my gaze at the ground. Aaron took the towel off my wrists, and examined the pink cuts; they had dried blood all over them. He put a warm washcloth over them and cleaned up the dried blood. I suckedin a sharp breath through my teeth. Aaron noticed.

"I know, I know," he said softly, "Just a little bit more, then we'll be done."

After another excruciating seven seconds, he removed the washcloth ad put it in the sink. He further examined the newly cleaned cuts, then shook his head.

"Austin, you need stitches."

"What? No!" I exclaimed, looking at him, "Please don't take me to a hospital!"

"I'm sorry, bud, but you need them. They're too deep."

I really didn't want to go to the hospital. It's embarassing. What if they ask me why I did it? I sighed. They're already pulling me to my feet. Luckily, it's only a short walk down the street. We walked for a few minutes, until we reached the huge white building, and walking through the big glass doors. Tino walked to the front desk, pulling me along.

"My friend over here needs stitches," Tino explained, he nudged me, "Come on, show her your arms."

I held out my wrists. She took a glance at them, then placed a clipboard on the desk.

"Fill this out."

I took the clipboard and sat down, and filled it out. After a few minutes, I leaned over to Tino.

"Tino, what's the date?"

"The sixth."

I wrote that down, then gave it to the nurse at the desk.

"Alright, come with me."

I followed her into a room, then she layed my arms over a desk. She brought out the supplies and began stitching up my wrists. I cringed and began to writhe so badly, Tino came in to hold my arms still. After another minute, she wrapped bandages around my wrists, and put everything away.

"Okay, you're free to go," her monotone voice said, leaving the room.

Tino and I left and returned to the waiting room. I sat in my chair, when Phil looked at me.

"You okay?"

I nodded. Suddenly, an alarm went off down the hall. An announcement came on- "Code blue in room 27. Mr. Ashby stopped breathing."

Mr. Ashby as in MY Alan Ashby?! I jumped to my feet and bolted down the hall, to the room. I couldn't see at first, until one of the nurses moved and I saw red hair.

"NO!" I screamed, attempting to reach the bed.

"austin, no!" Phil yelled, grabbing my arm.

"Contain him!" a nurse yelled, the same nurse that did my stitches.

Tino came in and held me back, Phil and Aaron helping.

"He's not breathing!"


The beeping started up again a few seconds later, and I breathed a sigh of relief. All the nurses exited the room, except one, who was writing something on his chart. I approached her.

"Excuse me, but what happened to him?"

She looked at the chart, "A month ago, he was in a car crash, really bad, instant coma. He's been in one ever since."

I covered my mouth in shock, preventing a cry from escaping my lips, but it didn't stop the tears. After a minute, I spoke.

"I thought he forgot about me. I thought...he died. After the fight, I thought we broke up for good..." I looked at Alan, God, he looked so peaceful, "When do you think he'll be out of the coma?"

The nurse got a pained look on her face, then sucked in a breath, "Oh, honey. It's hard to determine that. We don't know if he's going to come out of it..."

Silent, I stood there, letting my brain soak in her words. Tears fell down my face, sliding off my cheeks. I couldn't comprehend this. There's a chance I may never hear his voice again, see that sweet smile, hear that laugh that gives me butterflies......

The nurse's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "I have to clean the sheets, so I'll give you five minutes," she said, then walked out of the room.

I wiped away my tears quickly, before walking to the side of the bed.


Part of me expected an answer. I grabbed his hand, lacing my fingers with his.

"Alan, baby, I don't know if you could hear me or not, but in case you are," I sucked in a breath, but my voice cracked anyway, "I want you to know that I love you, I never stopped, and I know I never will. Just thinking about being with someone else kills me. I don't want to be with anyone else; I want to be with you..." another tear fell.

"i'm so glad you're still alive. I honestly thought something horrible happened, that you died," more tears, "The nurse said you may not make it out, but I think you will. I just want to know what happened after you left. What caused the crash?"

"I just feel so bad about that day. The last thing I said to you was that I didn't love you... I hope you didn't believe that. It wasn't true. I was just angry at... Actually, I don't even remember why we argued in the first place. That's beside the point. You left angry, thinking I hated you. I want to take that back. I love you, Alan Ashby, and I will be there, as soon as you leave this hospital and come back to the band."

The nurse walked back into the room, holding new sheets.

"Alan, baby, I have to go. I'll visit you tomorrow, okay? I promise. I'll make sure we're not apart anymore." I kissed his hand, "I love you......."

I brushed his hair out of his eyes, then leaned in and kissed his cheek, before releasing his hand and walking away from the bed. After that, I heard that absolutely heartwrenching sound.