Diary of a Hunter

I had barely spoken to my dad since he returned with Sawyer after their shopping trip. Frankly, I had been avoiding him. I barely looked at him at dinner either. It was just too hard sometimes. After dinner, I went up to my room and got out my favorite book by William Faulkner. I just wanted the beautiful words to take me away to a place far more screwed up than my life was. I guess that's one of the reasons why I liked Faulkner so much.

I looked up as I heard a knock on my door. The door squeaked open and my dad peered in, looking around curiously. I rolled my eyes as soon as I saw him and returned to my book.

"Meredith, are we ever going to talk?" he asked.

I sighed, "What is there to talk about?" I looked down at my bedspread, avoiding his gaze.

"Are you going to stay mad at me forever?" he asked back. I swallowed and tried my hardest to ignore him but there were so many feelings just boiling up inside me. I was going to explode if I didn't say anything. Then again I was pretty sure that I was going to explode if I did say something to him.

"Faulkner. He was one of your mom's favorite writers."

"Don't talk about Mom," I mumbled.

"Excuse me, young lady?" he asked.

"I said, don't talk about Mom!" I exclaimed, finally making eye contact with my father. I glared at him and was taken aback when I saw the look of hurt in his eyes. I don't think I had ever seen him this vulnerable since my mom's death. But I had to keep going. If he wanted to talk, then fine, we'd talk.

"Don't talk about Mom when you've had this whole other family. You want to know what's upsetting me? It's the fact that I thought you were hunting this past year when really, you've spent the whole year with another family, Dad. I don't know what, or why, or, you have a family, Dad. You have one right here. I'm not going anywhere!" I exclaimed, trying to fight back the tears that were evident in my voice. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"Meredith," Dad started, reaching his hand out to touch me.

"Don't, please, just, don't," I whimpered, turning away from him. I hated the fact that he was seeing me cry. I wiped away the tears violently and crossed my arms across my chest, putting a guard up.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. Her mother was dying and I, I didn't even know that I was her father. Listen, Tish called me and I had no idea. She and I had had a fling several years ago and-," Dad started.

"But you don't get it, do you? You could've called. You could've told me! You had this whole other family and you kept me out and now you just expect me to be a part of it? After they took you away from and- you missed my birthday, Dad!" I shouted. Damn it, the tears were coming back.

"I'm sorry," he said, trying to calm me down.

"No, stop apologizing!" I yelled. I stood up, backing away from him.

"Look, Mer, I didn't want to fight about this. I get that you're upset and I, I feel really bad. Yes, I should've called but… don't you remember what it was like when your mother died?" Dad asked.

"Yes," I whispered.

"I didn't want to take you away from your life either. I called Bobby and he said that you were doing great in school, you were making friends… and then the Winchesters came and I knew that you would be safe and happy where you were. I didn't want to take that away from you… the normal life," my dad explained.

"So you were hunting with… whatsherface?" I asked.

"Sawyer," Dad replied.

"Sawyer," I repeated, processing the fact that Sawyer was about to come into my life.

"No, but pulling you out of a school for a year and then having you right back at Sioux Falls… it just didn't feel right," Dad said.

I shook my head, "So why didn't you call?" I looked my dad in the eye again and he really did look sorry. I felt bad now. The both of us did.

"Because I knew you'd want to come," Dad replied. He was right. I would've wanted to come and that got messy with the whole idea of not pulling me out of my normal life. Dad was right. I had created a life for myself here and he didn't want to change that – not when we had endured so much change already.

I nodded, "Look, I'm sorry that I yelled at you. It just hurts and… and I'm jealous."

"I'm sorry, too, Meredith and I know that it won't ever make up for what I did but I just want you to know that I love you," Dad said.

"I love you too, Dad," I replied, hugging him.

"So Dean took care of you last night?" Dad asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Good," Dad said.

Oh my God. He didn't even know about Dean and me. I honestly didn't want to tell him about us right now.

"You slept in different beds?" Dad asked.

"Yeah," I mumbled. I hoped he couldn't tell that I was lying.

"Are you still good friends with him or has that changed? I would think that high school would really influence him," Dad started.

"Actually, Dean's a really good guy, Dad," I corrected, tense.

"And what makes you say that?" he asked. I didn't answer him. I just stood there and stared at him. Oh God, he was catching on. "You're seeing him, aren't you?"

There was a long pause before I finally answered, "Yes."

"How could… John, why did he let you share a room? You should've been in different rooms last night. I can't believe he would've ok-ed this. Actually, I'm not surprised. John is reckless he-, Dean didn't do anything to you, did he?" Dad asked, starting to panic.

"No, everything's fine!" I exclaimed.

"That boy is just like his father! The two of them are reckless, careless, and heartbreakers. I don't trust him," Dad said.

"That boy has a name!" I shouted. I couldn't even believe that my dad was going down this path.

"Dad, he loves me and I love him. I just hope that you can accept it and be happy for me because Bobby, John, and Andrea all are."

"Meredith, you have to be careful around him. He-," Dad started.

"You know what? You can ask Bobby, John, or Andrea, adults that have actually been around me the past year. Hell, most of my life. More than you ever have! Dean cares about me. He's not just screwing around," I said. "I can't believe you think that all Dean would care about, all he'd want from me… Jesus, I'm done fighting with you, Dad. I really am."

"Meredith, where are you going?" Dad asked, as I stormed out of my room.

"Out," I snapped, not bothering to even look back.

I ran as fast as I could down the steps and outside. I stood on the porch, letting the cold air hit my face tear stained face. I could feel more warm tears streaming down my face. I sat down on the porch swing and buried my hands in my face and just cried. We had made up and then suddenly we were fighting again? That was just so like my dad. He would do that. I sat on the porch swing and buried my face in my hands and just cried. God, this sucked. I never thought I'd ever say this, but things had been going fine until Dad had shown up. Ugh, I was a terrible person for even saying that.

"Are you okay?" I heard a voice ask. I looked up, only to see John Winchester.

"I'm fine," I sniffled. I wiped my tears away and tried to look like I hadn't just been crying. Of course, that didn't really work at all.

"Do you mind if I sit?" John asked, motioning to the spot on the porch seat right next to me. I looked over and then back to John.

"Oh, no of course not," I said, smiling weakly.

"Ok," John said, sitting down next to me. "Is everything alright?"

I sighed, "It's just… my dad. We got into a fight about Sawyer and then about me and Dean. I told him we were seeing each other and he… blew up in my face."

John sighed too, "I think you were about five years old when we had our first talk out here."

"Oh yeah," I said, remembering it.

"You had just fallen off your bike and you were really upset," John started, reminiscing.

"I didn't want to talk to anyone!" I remembered, chuckling a little.

"And so I came out here with some antiseptic and some gauze to clean off your scrapes," John said.

"Oh God and it hurt like hell! But you just started talking. I think it was about, I don't even know, ant hills or something and I just sat there and laughed and let you clean off my wounds," I said back.

"It was the beginning of the John-Meredith porch talks," John said.

I smiled, "Yeah, I miss those."

"You know, when you and Dean first told Bobby and I that you were together, I wasn't quite sure that it was a good idea," John started.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, curiously.

"Yeah. Having someone that he cares about so much could hold him back. What if on the next hunt he wouldn't leave with me? I worried that he'd break your heart and that maybe, just maybe you'd break his too. He's a lot more fragile than his seems," John said. I nodded. "But I started to see your relationship develop and just how much he really cared for you. You loved him and he loved you and I just, I couldn't stand in the way of that. Sometimes I feel like I make my kids miserable, dragging them along on these hunts. They need something to look forward to."

"Well, thank you," I started. "And I don't think Dean would ever pass up a hunt."

"Me either," John chuckled. I laughed too.

"He cares about you too. I think he'd do just about anything for you, John. You're his dad and he loves you," I said.

John nodded, "I know and I don't want to use it against him but I need to keep this family together. We're all we have left."

"Yeah and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I hope you know that," I added.

"I do. I think if it's one thing I've learned this year is that the two of you want what's best for each other," John said.

"I do, for him," I said back. There was a long pause and just when I thought the conversation was over, John said this.

"So, Dean told me what happened between the two of you last night," John said.

"Oh," I blushed. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed or pissed at Dean that he had told his father when the both of us had strictly promised that we weren't going to tell our parents or any kind of parental figure.

"I mean, he didn't tell me. I figured it out and got it out of him," John corrected himself.

"Oh," I said again, looking down. Oh, this was so awkward. So uncomfortable!

"I never thought I'd have to have this conversation with you, Meredith. I always thought it'd be Bobby or Andrea but at the moment, Bobby doesn't have to know anything," John said.

"Thanks," I said. I could hear my voice going higher in pitch. My voice always got higher when I was in an uncomfortable situation.

"He also told me you were safe," John said.

"Uh huh," I said back.

"Look, it's okay, Meredith," John reassured.

"I know, it's just… really awkward right now. My boyfriend's dad is giving me the talk," I said, chuckling nervously.

"Yeah, I'm on a roll today. Two talks in one day!" John said.

I laughed, "Well thank you for… caring enough to give me the talk."

"You're welcome," John said. "Let's get inside. It's cold out here and you have no jacket on."

"Okay, sounds good," I replied.