Diary of a Hunter

Sunday would be the Winchesters' busy 'getting ready to leave' day and the Winchesters were leaving early Monday morning. I hated this feeling. It was that obnoxious feeling that there was a time limit on things and that every second, every moment, and every minute, was going to waste. I had to say my goodbyes today so that things weren't harder tomorrow.

The one person I was avoiding though, was Dean. I was so afraid that goodbye would be a real goodbye and that terrified me.

"Hey, Sammy," I said, sitting down next to him at the kitchen table. He was doing some homework. A boy after my own heart.

"Dad just kind of sprung that one on us today, huh?" Sam asked.

I nodded, "Hey listen, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drive or something. We can have our farewell Meredith-Sam chat, like we always do."

Sam chuckled, "Yeah, okay. Sure."

I smiled at him, "Alright then let's go." I grabbed my keys, Sam following close behind me and the two of us were off.

"So how are you feeling about… all of this?" I asked.

"It sucks," Sam admitted. I nodded.

"I completely understand," I said.

"It's like he doesn't even care about what we want. I get that he wants us to be with him and yes, but we're just kids! Did he ever think that maybe we need some stability?" Sam exploded. I had never seen him this angry at his dad.

"Sometimes parents do the strangest things for their kids. They think it's what's best for the kids when it's really what's best for them. They don't consider us…" I trailed off.

"God, I'm just, it sucks," Sam said.

"I know," I replied.

"You know, sometimes I just feel like taking off," Sam grumbled.

"Look, Sam, I know this must be hard for you and yeah, it sucks a lot but something else you have to remember is that your Dad loves you a lot," I said, softly.

"That's… the other reason I feel like I have to go. I know Dad loves me and… I love him. We just… don't see eye to eye a lot. And with Dean the perfect son, it doesn't exactly make things better between me and Dad," Sam explained.

"I'm so sorry that you feel that way," I said back.

"It's-, thank you. Speaking of Dean, have you seen him since this morning?" Sam asked, changing the subject.

"No," I replied.

After a long pause Sam asked, "You're avoiding him, aren't you?"

I nodded slowly, "Yeah, I am."

"Why?" Sam asked.

"Honestly? I'm afraid of what he has to say. Out of all of you, Dean must be the most eager to get back on the road. He's restless, that one. I just… I don't know, I think I know it's the end," I sighed, unsatisfied.

"Meredith, Dean may be restless but he also loves you," Sam replied.

"How do you know?" I asked, desperate for answers, looking over at him.

"Because he's stayed with you for seven months," Sam replied.

I laughed a little, "I love him, Sam." I was really trying to hold back tears at the moment. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want this to be real. It felt so surreal but I guess it just hadn't hit me yet.

"I know," Sam said, nodding. God, this was so hard.

"Hey, I think I'm going to turn around, if that's alright with you. We should start getting back," I said.

"Sounds good," Sam said.

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"I think I just want to say thank you for being a good friend. I came here not having anyone and you just… took me under your wing, I guess. So thank you," Sawyer said.

"It's no problem at all," Sam smiled back.

"Okay, let's hug this out," Sawyer said.

"Okay," Sam replied, chuckling a little. Sawyer hugged Sam and he held her close to him. Sawyer could feel her heart rate speeding up a little bit. She thought back to her conversation with Meredith. She just felt like if she told him now, it'd be too late.

Sam began to pull away and his hands slid right past her ribcage. Sawyer jumped a little, giggling. She covered her mouth and Sam looked at her funny.

"Ticklish?" Sam asked.

"No!" Sawyer exclaimed, jumping back a bit. She knew what was coming.

"Oh really? So you wouldn't mind if I just… you know," Sam started, playfully, grabbing Sawyer from behind and tickling her. She tried to push Sam's hands away as she laughed hard.

"Sam, quit it!" She exclaimed. But he didn't. Sam couldn't even believe that he was doing this. This is a move that Dean would pull. Did this mean that he liked her? "Sam, if you don't stop I'm going to pee my pants!" Sam laughed with Sawyer. She couldn't believe she had just said that.

"Alright, alright!" Sam said, playfully defensively. He stopped tickling her but he didn't let her go. The room got quiet and Sam felt confused.

"Hey has anyone seen my-," I said, coming into the room. As soon as I saw Sam holding Sawyer I tried not to smile. "Never mind I'm just uh, going to go… in there. I've got… stuff to do… yeah. Bye guys!" I hurried out of the room, trying not to squeal at how adorable they were.

"So," Sam said, keeping to himself.

"So we'll keep in touch, right?" Sawyer asked.

"Definitely," Sam smiled.

I went outside to the porch and sat down on the porch swing. The late March weather was starting to get nice and nicer. I just sat there and thought for a moment. I just needed clarity and maybe some strength to get me through whatever was coming next.

"Do you mind?" I heard a voice ask. I looked up to see none other than John Winchester standing on the porch. I hadn't even heard him come out here.

"Not at all," I said, scooting over.

"Meredith," John started.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I want you to know that the fact that we're leaving has nothing to do with you," John started.

"Of course, yeah," I said back.

"Good, I didn't want you thinking that," John said. I didn't know what to say back and luckily John said something. "I remember the day you and Dean first met, clearly."

"Oh yeah?" I asked.

"You guys were about seven years old, I think and we were staying at Bobby's for a couple of days. Bobby had gone to pick you up from school and Dean and Sam were… probably picking on each other or playing some kind of prank. But you got home that day and the two of you locked eyes and I didn't even know what Dean had just gotten himself into," John chuckled, fondly remember that day.

"Oh and Dean tried so hard! He tried to do the whole tough guy 'I like rock music and I know how to shoot a gun' thing on me," I laughed.

"I laughed for days!" John exclaimed, happily and the warm memories. "I don't mean to be separating the two of you. That was not my intention."

I nodded, "Well thank you, for letting me know."

"You better take care of yourself, kiddo. I don't want to hear anything about any sort of trouble," John started.

"Oh don't worry, I'll stay out of trouble," I chuckled.

"And stay in school. You have such a bright future ahead of you, Meredith. I would hate to see you waste it all away," John said, serious now.

I looked at him, "Okay."

"So… I guess this is goodbye for now? Until we meet again," John said.

I smiled, "I like the sound of that."

John leaned over and gave me a hug and I hugged him back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dean approaching the front of Bobby's house. He was coming from the salvage yard. Where had he been all day?

"Hey," Dean said, approaching John and I.

"Hi," I said back.

"Son," John acknowledged. "Well this is my cue to leave." John got up walked across the porch and went back inside the house, closing the door behind him. It was now just Dean and I out on the porch. I sat on the swing while he stood a few feet away from. He leaned against the railings as I looked up at him.

"Where have you been all morning?" I asked. "You must have left early this morning. I didn't see you… when I woke up," I said.

"Yeah… Dad told me the news yesterday. I've been working on a couple of cars just to… get some stuff off my mind," Dean said back.

"Huh," I sounded.

"Hey, can we talk… about stuff? I uh, I want to take you somewhere," Dean started.

"Where?" I asked.

"It's a surprise," Dean said, raising his eyebrows once.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah okay." He took my hand and led me back into the salvage yard. We walked and walked for what appeared to be a pretty good amount of time. Once we passed all of the cars, we came to a grassy clearing behind Bobby's house. I had been here a couple of times but it was such a far walk that I didn't come often.

There was a blanket set down and a paper bag on the blanket. I was taken aback by the surprise. I couldn't believe Dean had done this. It was beautiful and made me wish that I could cling to him harder and harder. I wanted to hold onto him so badly.

"I thought you might be hungry so I made us sandwiches," Dean said, sitting down on the blanket. I sat down with him as he handed me a sandwich. This was really sweet but it was that nagging feeling that it was going to end soon that bothered me.

"So I'm pretty sure Dad told you right?" Dean asked.

I nodded slowly after taking a bite of my sandwich. I chewed and then swallowed before responding,

"Yeah he did. He wanted to make sure that I knew that you guys leaving had nothing to do with us."

Dean tensed up a little but then relaxed again, "Yeah. Look, I wish I didn't have to leave, Mer."

"I know," I said.

"But I do… this is important to me," Dean trailed off.

"No, I get it," I said back, understandingly. I reached out and touched his hand, smiling comfortingly. I wanted Dean to be happy, even if that meant we had to be apart.

"And so are you. I mean, you are... important to me," Dean added. I looked up, almost surprised that he had said that. "So I thought maybe we could talk about what's going to happen when I leave."

"Right," I sighed. "Dean, as much as I want to keep this… I mean, how realistic are we being if we say that we'll stay together? I just, you guys will be gone for a while. I feel like… I'm holding you back in a way."

"Me too. I don't, in any way want to drag you into this. You deserve better than the hunter's life," Dean said.

"But at the same time every fiber of my being is screaming for me not let you go. Dean, these past seven months have been-," I started.

"Amazing," he completed.

"Yeah," I replied, sighing. "I love you. I've… never felt this way about anyone before but I think no matter what happens, no matter what we say there's just this feeling inside that keeps telling me that we're over."

"Yeah…" Dean admitted.

"So what do we do now?" I asked. I think the both of us knew what was coming next.

"I don't know. Do we have to say it?" Dean asked.

I took a deep breath, "I guess we make the best of these last few days and then… we go our separate ways." Now, I was starting to feel the tears and I knew that they weren't going to be avoidable.

"Yeah…." Dean said.

"I'm scared, Dean. I don't want to let you go," I said, looking down. A couple of tears fell out of my eyes. Damn you, gravity. I moved towards Dean and he held me close to him. I buried my face in his chest and he rested his head on top of mine.

"It's happening so fast, isn't it?" Dean asked.

"I just feel like… we haven't had any time!" I exclaimed.

"I know," Dean replied. He pulled me up to him and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. "I love you, okay? Hell, I probably always will. I know this isn't making it any better."

"It's fine, no you're, fine," I said. "God, I feel like an idiot."

"No," Dean said.

"God, there are so many things I could say to you right now. I could tell you that I love you or that you've made me happier than I've ever been but nothing seems to explain it all," I started.

"It's fine," Dean said, kissing me gently. I kissed him back and things became more heated. He started pull at the straps of my dress. I wrapped my legs around Dean and clothes started coming off. We had our own way of saying goodbye.

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Shhh, if anyone finds out we're here, they will kill us!" I whisper yelled at Dean. Dean had picked the lock to the school Sunday night and he and I had snuck into the school. I felt so badass yet so scared right now. What if someone busted us? I actually liked school… then again, Dean was leaving tomorrow and I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could – even if it mean breaking into the school. Dear God…

"Well, I have nothing to worry about because as of now, I officially do not go to school here anymore," Dean replied.

"Ugh, don't remind me," I groaned.

"Sorry," Dean said, biting his lip as soon as he realized the effect that it had had on me. "Come on, babe. Over here." Dean grabbed my hand and pulled me into our English classroom, locking the door behind us.

"Alright, so you either brought me here to talk, make out, or to kill me. I'm going to go ahead and rule out the talking part since we pretty much got all that out about you leaving, so I guess it's make out or die," I joked playfully. Dean stopped us right next to my desk and pulled out his pocket knife. "So… die?"

"I'm going to miss that morbid sense of humor of yours, babe," Dean smirked, pulling me in for a kiss.

"Make out and die?" I asked, pulling away just long enough to ask my question. Dean laughed and then pulled me in for a couple more kisses before finally ending it.

"Come on," Dean said, kneeling down on his knees so he could get a good look of the underside of my wooden desk.

"What're you doing?" I asked, kneeling down to get a good look of what Dean was doing.

"You know how most couples do the whole cheesy carving their initials into trees thing? Well, I figured we could do that but with your desk instead," Dean said, taking his pocket knife to the underside of the desk and beginning to cut a 'D' into it.

"So not only are we breaking and entering the school but we're also defacing school property. Oh, I get it now. Dean Winchester, you have been bad," I teased.

"Maybe you'll have to punish me later," Dean said, winking at me. I giggled and watched him finish his initials.

"Okay, my turn," I said, as soon as he was done. He handed me the knife and I began to carve "MS" into the desk. I nodded, satisfied with our work as I finished my initials as well.

"See? Now I can still be with you in school. All you'll have to do is run your hands over the initials and you'll think of me," Dean said.

"Wow, Dean Winchester, you are quite the romantic," I pointed out, raising an eyebrow.

"Believe me, babe. I'd much rather you running my hands over something else," Dean smirked.

"Dean!" I exclaimed. "Way to ruin a perfectly good, romantic moment."

"That's my name, babe. Don't wear it out," Dean shrugged.

"Okay, Danny Zuko," I shot back, rolling my eyes at his Grease reference. Dean held my hands in his, playing with them. I stared down at our hands before letting out a sigh, "I wish you didn't have to go.

"Me too, babe, but it's the thing that killed my mom, you know?" he asked back.

"Of course. I get it why you have to leave, I do. I'm just selfish and wish you could stay with me," I replied.

"I do too. Maybe… if I get back," Dean replied.

I smiled weakly, "Will you?"

"I sure as hell hope so," Dean answered uneasily. He knew he couldn't but what was he supposed to say to her. No?

"Me too," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for another kiss.

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I had said my goodbyes and this was really it. The three Winchester men stood in front of us as they were about ready to go. Everything was in the car and they were just saying goodbye one last time.

"Bye, Sammy. Take care of yourself okay? And if you need to talk, you know where to call, right?" I asked.

"Yes," Sam said, smiling. I hugged him and then watched as he hugged Sawyer. If only he had stayed longer… they would be good together.

"You've gotta promise me you'll be good for Bobby, right?" John asked with a friendly smile on his face.

"Yes, I promise," I said, chuckling a little.

"Good. Take care of yourself," John said.

"You too," I replied, hugging him too. And there was Dean, loading the last thing in the car. I walked down the porch steps and over to him. It was good that we were away from everyone else because I think we needed a moment.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey, yourself," he replied.

I chuckled a little bit, "So yesterday… I think you're right. We get better at it every time," I smirked a little.

"I'm going to miss you a lot, Meredith," Dean said.

I nodded, "Me too."

"Take care of yourself and Sawyer okay?" Dean asked. I nodded and instead or responding with words, I kissed him.

"You too and… don't be a stranger, okay?" I asked back.

Dean grinned, "Okay." He leaned in and kissed me again. "God, I wish I could stay with you."

"Me too," I replied. "Will I hear from you?"

"I hope so… But I don't know. Things get busy and the hours of sleep I get lessen. I want to but… I don't want to distract you," he said.

I nodded slowly, accepting that he had basically said that it would be hard for us to even talk to each other, "I love you, Dean. I really do. You're going to change the world someday."

Dean looked so guilty at the moment, "I'm so sorry that I have to do this."

"Me too," I replied, weakly.

We kissed one last time before I let him go. We pulled away and looked into each others' eyes and I just pulled him into another hug. I held onto Dean and close my eyes, wishing that I never had to let go. I didn't feel ready for this but I knew I never would be. I slowly began to pull away and Dean and I exchanged small, sad smiles.

"I love you," was the final thing that Dean said.

"I love you," I replied. It felt like I understood those three words on a whole other level. I no longer took for granted those words but I really wanted Dean to know that I truly loved him. I would always be in love with him, no matter what.

"Okay, kids, ready to go?" John asked.

"Yes," Dean and Sam both replied.

Dean and Sam got into the Impala and John got into his car. John drove off first. Dean rolled down the window and the two of us shared a long look before he followed his father's car. That look right there had told me everything he felt. There was hurt, sadness, but most importantly love. I returned to the porch with Sawyer and Bobby and watched as the Winchesters took off. I didn't say anything but I could hear Bobby and Sawyer saying some things. I stared at the Impala and watched as it became smaller and smaller in my vision. They were really gone.

"You ok?" Bobby asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, blinking back tears. I didn't want to cry right now.

"Come on. I have to bake cupcakes for my class. Come help me?" Sawyer suggested.

"Sure," I replied.

"Hm, make sure to bake extras!" Bobby chimed in. The two of us laughed.

"Alright, let's go," I said.

Sawyer and I got out all of the baking ingredients and she got a recipe from one of the unused cooking books that Bobby has.

"Okay, we need two and a half cups of flour," I said, reading off the recipe.

"Sounds good. Hey, Mer, if you don't mind me asking… are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, sadly.

"You don't sound fine," she replied.

"Look, it just happened. I'll be fine though, don't worry. Hey, isn't that my job as the big sister?" I asked.

Sawyer chuckled, "Yeah, I guess it is."

"Hey, did you ever tell Sam how you feel?" I asked. "I saw you two in a tickle fight the other day."

"Yeah… about that. I didn't end up telling him, it just, wrong place, wrong time, you know?" she asked.

I nodded, "I get it."

I smiled at my younger sister and she smiled back at me as we began to make the cupcakes. Although this was the end of me and Dean, I was happy to be establishing a good relationship between me and my sister. I was going to get through this and who knows. Maybe I'd see Dean again…

He was my first love and I knew that I'd always be in love with him. Nothing was every going to change that.