Mutually Numb

“This legal stuff is total bullshit!” I yelled

The rest of the guys looked over to me, shocked and startled.

“What do you mean, Ruki?” Aoi asked. He was sitting on the couch next to me, half reading a magazine and half listening to the conversation.

“It’s been days now and I haven’t heard one word from anybody about Claire. Kai and I went down to the police station and had to fill out that stupid form. They told us they would call, but all this shit takes way too long! For all they care, Claire could be dead right now!”

“Ruki, you need to calm down,” Uruha started, “I’m sure that they have plenty of other cases to focus on right now. Plus, it takes a while for everything to get sorted. And they still need to do the investigations…” He trailed off

“I guess, but I’m just tired of this.”

“Hey,” Reita started, “All you’ve been talking about is Claire recently. I mean we are all together at Uruha’s house right now, why don’t we have another guy’s night? It’ll help put you at east and let you forget about it for a little bit.”

Everyone looked around and seemed to agree in unison. “I know it’ll be good for you.” Kai said as he put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m just as worried and stressed out as you are, Claire was a really good friend of mine as well.”

“You still don’t understand!” I retaliated. “This is way different for you than it is for me.” I got up from the couch and exhaled. “Look, I’m not interested right now in having a night out. It sounds great,” I sarcastically said, “But I just need to be alone with my thoughts for some time now.”

The rest of the guys didn’t say anything; they just sat there quietly until I left. I don’t think they talked for a while after I left either.

The rest of the drive to my house was in complete silence. My extended arm holding my cigarette was out the window. There was so much to think about right now that I didn’t want any distractions. I wanted no noise in the car, and nobody bothering me at home. I just wanted to go into my room and go to sleep. Maybe in my dreams I could forget about all of this.

I pulled up to a parking spot and walked up to my apartment door.

“Hi Daddy!” Aimie yelled

I lazily took my hand and patted the top of her head without looking over to her.

“It’s late, where have you been? It’s already almost 8 PM. Aimie and I had dinner without you.” Ash said as she was following me

I ignored her question and continued into the bedroom. I closed the door in her face and threw myself onto the bed. I felt my body sink into the covers and the many soft white pillows. I gulped loudly and let myself cry. For the first time in what felt like forever, I actually let myself cry. They guilt of everything I had finally done sank in, and it was horrible. If Claire was never found, I had no idea what I would do with myself. I really hope that a call would be coming in soon. I’m slowly driving myself crazy.

~~~

“Ruki, are you sure you’re okay? You haven’t even touched your food…” Ash quietly whispered from the seat next to me

I took my chopsticks and sifted my rice from one side of the plate to the other. I guess today was one of those days again; I just wasn’t hungry.

She let out an airy sigh. “You really need to start eating again… You’ve already lost a bunch of weight. Plus, I’m sure the guys miss you. You haven’t gone out in a while…” Her voice drifted off and her eyes shifted towards the wall behind me.

I bit my lip and inhaled deeply, to keep my emotions pent up inside of me. I was constantly at an inward battle with myself. I wanted to leave the house to escape my feelings and Ash’s nagging about me not leaving the house – but going out required effort and if I did manage to get myself together to go out, that would mean that Ash won. Being the stubborn man that I am, I always need to win. No matter whom the argument is with – a band mate, my girlfriend, a random stranger on the street – I needed to win. The only exception to this might be my daughter; I would do anything to keep her happy.

My feelings were constantly on edge and right at the breaking point. One of my biggest fears was that I would let a little bit of my anger seep out and I would explode after that and would never be able to recover from it. And right now is definitely not the right time to pick a fight with my girlfriend – Aimie is sitting in the chair next to me, minding her business, eating her broccoli. She’s such a smart kid. Over the past few days she’s learned to stay quiet when Ash and I start to get into fights or when I seem irritable. It probably isn’t a good skill for a five year old to have mastered, but everyone copes with situations differently.

Ash’s hand lightly brushed my forearm. My eyes looked up to hers, but we saw two completely different things. I saw a girl looking back at me that was incredibly worried and trying to do what was best for everybody. She saw a stubborn, underweight man who had lost the ability to feel compassion or understanding.

She cleared her throat and licked her bottom lip anxiously. “Are you going to finish your meal? If not, I might as well clean up the table and leave your plate in the fridge…” Ash had already gotten up and had her and Aimie’s plates in her hand.

I scrunched my lips for a response and promptly left the table, heading straight for our room.

The second I got into the bedroom, I shut the door and sat on the corner of the bed with my head in my hands. I could hear the dishes clanking in the kitchen outside my room, and murmurings of conversation.

Ash’s and Aimie’s moods sounded to have lightened a little bit since I let the room; which really wasn’t much of a surprise to me. It didn’t bother me, I was just glad to hear a little bit of laughter come from our house. For all I cared, the girls could have been washing the dishes forever if it made them happy, I’d be glad to sit here and listen to them talk and giggle quietly with each other.

The talking and movement came to an abrupt stop. I immediately lifted my head from my palms only to see that Ash was standing in front of the door, quietly closing it.

My eyes were still down looking at the floor, but I could see her small pale feet walking over towards me.

No words were spoken between us; as soon as she sat down on the bed she gave me a tight embrace. I moved my body so I could lay my head on her shoulder and hug her tighter.

A wave of emotions overthrew me that was indescribable. It felt like every emotion at once – I was angry, sad and elated at the same time. Yet, I expressed none of it. All I did was lift my head once more and kiss Ash.