Mutually Numb

It had been four days, and the hospital bed was already littered with crayon drawings. Some of them were taped up above her, and others were sticking on the cabinet doors and chairs as well. Aimie’s favorite drawing – one of her and Claire standing with a puppy – was taped on the side of the metal railing of the bed. Not only was the drawing a loving present for her mother, but also a clever ruse to try to con me into buying a dog. Needless to say, the drawing was pretty cute, and she is my daughter – so it was working a little bit.

“Reita!” I heard Aimie’s small voice cry. She ran up to him and put her juvenile hands on his knees.

Reita mumbled something inaudible as he looked up from his drawing. He rested his crayon on the paper and looked down at my daughter, happy to see her running around and genuinely cheerful. “Have you drawn anything new yet?”

She giggled and clasped her hands in front of her, pressing them into her favorite overall-style dress. “I wanted to come and see what you had drawn! None of your drawings are up on the walls yet!”

Smiling, he lifted up his artwork. Aimie’s small fingers were all over the paper before Reita could even give it to her. Her tiny legs glided over to the wall behind Claire’s bed and she stuck the paper up to the wall with some tape.

Standing back with her hands propped up against her waist, she admired Reita’s drawing, in place with the rest of the band members’ and Ash’s.

“Thank you so much for coming here with me to see Claire…” I sighed to Ash.

She smiled and skimmed her hand over my arm in a loving gesture. “It really is no problem. I barely even knew Claire – and I do feel kind of bad that our first meeting was so traumatizing for her. I never wanted to cause any harm to anyone, I guess I didn’t really quite know what I was getting in to.” Her eyes drifted to the floor as her head fell limp on my shoulder.

I sighed and now it was my hand that was on Ash’s arm. I strung my fingers through her dirty blonde hair as I watched Aimie mingle with the rest of my band mates. She was already sitting on Kai’s lap, probably hearing a story from Uruha. They all looked pretty submersed in their little conversations they were having. Since the walls were already littered with drawings, I guess that they guys had finished all their portraits. Needless to say, we’re musicians, not a group of artists. Aimie’s little works of art were cute and adorable because they were drawn by a toddler. Some of the stuff that Aoi draws is just interesting. But everyone wants her to get better, so at least their best efforts were put in.

My daughter and I have been here almost every day, so Aimie reserved a whole wall for our crayon scribbles. I was never that good at drawing, so most of mine were short notes or simple drawings of flowers or other generic ‘get well feel better’ symbols.

I felt the weight shift on my shoulder and my partners face was right before mine in a few seconds. “Hey, Ruki, we’ve been here for a few hours now… what do you say we treat Aimie to a nice fun day out? She is very young, and it probably isn’t good for her to be so stressed out over her mom all the time.”

I knitted my eyebrows to her charming smile. I mean, maybe I’m just stubborn and obsessed, but I usually stay here until visiting hours are over. That is, after I take Aimie home.

A heavy and slow sigh emitted from me. I guess Ash was right. “Yeah, that does sound like a nice idea. I’m sure that she could use a fun day to forget about everything that’s bad in the world. And I’m sure that I could too…”

Her eyes brightened up and her smile widened so much that I thought her cheeks would burst open.

I rolled my eyes and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She was always so excited when I admitted she was right.

Ash’s petite body was up and moving before I could even pull my mouth away from her face. Her frail hands were on the crown of Aimie’s head, who was still sitting on Kai’s lap.

As soon as she broke the news of a fun afternoon out to the group, there was a cacophony of agreement. Kai let Aimie down onto the floor, as the rest of the band followed and got up too.

Seeing my distressed face, Reita came up and patted me on the shoulder. His eyes let off a certain signal and I couldn’t tell if he was being sympathetic or afraid to talk to me. After a second or two of silence he looked down. “I know you are incredibly worried about Claire… but sitting here all day and waiting really isn’t going to change anything. It’s affected you as much as the rest of the band – we haven’t had a single practice since the incident. If you go out with us, spend the day with your daughter and then have a couple drinks with the guys, it won’t hurt anybody. We all care about you – as band mates,” his eyes shifted back to where Ash was standing, “and as significant others.” A light smile drifted onto his face, “You’re still allowed to enjoy yourself.”

I guess he was right. They’re always right. Reita is always right. I looked over to Aimie who was wiggling from anticipation. I mulled the idea over in my head a few more times; but doing that only made me realize how right everyone else was. Finally, after moments of contemplation, I broke down.

“Okay.” I mumbled, “Fine, fine…” I quietly repeated, more unsure of my answer the second time.

Everyone in the room smiled, and I even did too. The tension seemed to become lighter, actually. My eyes glided over everyone’s cheerful faces. Right in this moment we were all happy just to be with each other. Happy to be alive, breathing, healthy and have each other’s company. After passing my gaze by Kai, my eyes saw Claire just for a millisecond – and that’s all it took for the feeling to go away.

Just like that it was gone.

I wasn’t happy to be here anymore, and my smile faded.

I almost wished I was in that hospital bed instead of Claire.

My eyelids fluttered shut for only a second, before I faced reality again. “I’ll go,” I nervously began, watching everyone’s faces, “But I’ll meet up with you guys later. I just want to stay for a little bit longer.”

Reita’s looked a bit disappointed, but his face lightened after a few moments. He looked back to Kai, nodded, and then back to me, still smiling. “We’ll meet up at Kai’s house, alright?”

Kai butted in, “I’ll cook everyone dinner and then we can go do something super fun!” He said as he put his hand on Aimie’s head.

My daughter’s face was filled with glee. She jumped towards me and hugged my legs with all of her might. “I love you, Daddy. I want you to have fun with the rest of us!”

I swear, she kills me sometimes. I closed my eyes and hugged my lovely daughter back. “I love you too, sweetie.” I lifted my head up and glanced at the clock, “You guys should probably leave relatively soon, and it’s starting to get late. I’ll meet up with you soon, I promise.” I patted my hand on Aimie’s back and lead everyone put of the room and gave Ash a goodbye kiss.