Mutually Numb

Collecting my emotions in a box and packing them away, I stood up so that I could leave this stupid hospital. I never want to leave here, but I have come to despise this place with all of my might – it isn’t just the fact that Claire was injured and is a vegetable in a hospital, but the fact that they smell like powdery old people and you can always hear the screaming pregnant women. It definitely isn’t soothing or reassuring to have your head resting along your love’s cold and unresponsive shoulder as you hear blood curdling screams first from the women – then their newborn babies.

Your love’s cold and unresponsive shoulder

Your love’s

Love

I just referred to Claire as ‘my love’ in the first time I can remember. My own words slapped me across the face and slammed me into the ground. I choked on my next breath. I was anxious about myself. I was anxious about nothing. The neat and tidy box of emotions I had packed tumbled over and spilled its contents all over my brain. I grabbed onto the guard railing of her bed so that I may collect myself once more. I leaned forward on my arms, taking deep breaths. I don’t even know what my own thoughts have in store for me; life for me is moving so very fast and spinning so rapidly I can’t grab ahold of anything. It feels like one of those carnival rides that spins you around in so many repetitious circles that it must have been designed to make its passengers hurl. Essentially, right now, my life is one big stomach-stinging vomit.

Taking her hand in mine, I took one final deep breath. I needed to leave or else I would never get better. I would never meet-up with my daughter or band mates. My life would never continue. She’s already looking better than day one; it’s only been a few days, but most of her abrasions had healed, her lumpy patches of hair were beginning to grow in normal patterns and her skin was gaining color again. She always had beautiful tan skin. It was never too dark, but it was such a nice light-coffee color. It matched with her eyes so well, I really wish they would open, I miss seeing them look at me so much. Right now I would give anything in the world to see her up and awake for just a minute; just a second. I want to tell her that I actually do care. I want us to hug and for both of our bodies to melt into a creamy mass together.

I smiled at the thought of the thought of the two of us alive and healthy. It didn’t matter what we were doing, just knowing it wasn’t this made my heart flutter and brought the biggest butterflies to my stomach. I brought my hand and ran it across her cheek as I turned around to leave. Did it feel warm, perhaps? Or was it just my imagination?

Just then, my body bumped into a large mass also going through Claire’s door. It was a tall man with a very lean face and figure. His black hair hung right above his brown almond eyes and a few crooked teeth were visible through his parted lips.

I lowered my eyes due to embarrassment, “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to run into you.”

His gaze remained unchanged, and he replied, “Its fine”

At that moment I realized I didn’t know who this man was walking into Claire’s room. He very obviously did not work in the hospital; he was dressed in very casual attire. “Do I know you? Claire is a very close family friend.” I raised my gaze to reach his.

He thought for a moment, but shook his head and responded. “No, I don’t think so. I’m a friend of Claire’s too; I only just heard the horrific news. I had big plans, but I canceled them to come see if she was alright.”

I nodded my head, okay with the story he provided me. I was never this protective of Claire before, but I guess that by the circumstances, she wasn’t very good at doing it herself. “Well, it’s nice to know she will at least always be surrounded by those that love her. I’m Ruki.”

The man let a small smile creep on his face and he shook my hand. “I’m Toshiya.”

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The remainder of my days proved to be depressingly uneventful. It was full of band mates trying to cheer me up, Ash and me trying to work things out and Aimie playing and trying to forget this happened. Everything she did revolved around her mom, her drawings, stories, playtime with her dolls, even when we cooked or made food together. If there was a way to make the bread or noodles spell out “Claire”, Aimie was going to find it. There was no telling her no. What kind of father would I be if I did that? “Sorry that your mom is gone and we never had a stable home life in the first place. It hurts me too much for you to express yourself, no spelling that with your alphabet soup, and put those crayons down!” I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to a lot of things anymore.

Some days I felt like I was already dead, and I was on my way to see Claire, wherever her mind was up in the sky. I often sat and wondered what her little soul was doing while her body lie down in that bed. I sometimes had daydreams that even though her earthly presence was horrible, her soul was as happy as ever because it was free from the burdens of this life. I got very emotional in my sittings sometimes, and often times I will let a few tears leak out. I always think it is only healthy. That is, until one night Aimie’s feet tiptoed into the room to find me a total mess on the bed. I was filled with so much shame when my daughter walked in and saw me like that. I didn’t even feel like a person or a living being; more like a stain on the bed –an awful and disgusting stain that just won’t leave the bedspread no matter how many times you bleach and clean it. I sat my worried and loving daughter on the bed with me.

“Daddy,” she said as she looked me in the eyes, “I miss Mommy too.” Her eyes became red and full of tears, but none fell down her face. “I know you loved her like the princes and princesses in the storybooks. But maybe this is the dragon you have to fight! This is the big bad guy that is in front of her tower.” She mimicked a sword battle with her arms as she began to speak, “The prince and princess are always happy together, until the big bad guy comes and takes the princess. When the prince saves her, they always fall in love and live happily ever after!”

I ran my fingers through her hair and laid my head on top of hers. “You have so many ideas up in your head – I don’t know how they all fit.” I cooed into her hair.

Aimie sniffled and wiped her runny nose with her forearm.

“Hey,” I began, picking up her head and looking her in the eyes, “We haven’t visited Mommy in the hospital in a week. What do you say we pay her a little visit today? We’ll go put some more flowers in her room.”

My daughter’s eyes curved as her mouth formed a smile. “Can we buy her sunflowers? I know she can’t see the real sun, but I hope they will be just as good. Maybe she will dream of playing at the beach or with us!”

Aimie, Ash and I (only me through much persuasion) thought it would be good to leave Claire be for a few days at a time. It had now been two months and there was no massive progress. Of course, she looked a million times better considering all her cuts, scabs and major bruises were gone. There were a few remaining scars on her wrists, her sides and there was a bald spot on the back of her head. The doctors said it was caused by force from a blunt object; like someone rammed a metal bar into the back of her skull. You could tell her veins were pumping healthy blood through her body. Her skin was a wonderful shade of light mocha again, just as I remembered it. Soon, it would lose its wonderful tone, however. Being under flickering fluorescent bulbs all day isn’t very good for a tan.

It now was the morning we were supposed to visit Claire again. I got myself dressed up in my favorite clothes, as usual. I didn’t need to look nice, but I always felt like it was respectful. I knew if it were me, Claire would always look great. She looked fabulous in whatever she wore. Before she had Aimie, she used to dress in such creative styles, and really let her personality shine though. I guess the work and stress of being a mother really cut back on her creative impulses.

This was it. This was the big moment. Time for Aimie and me to walk into Claire’s room, set down the flowers and a few other good luck talismans we picked up. My stomach was doing summersaults, just like I was 14 and it was my first date again. This was the first break I took from seeing her; maybe the nervousness was more from guilt than compassion.

I had to stop my train of thought regardless of what the answer was, it was time to lead Aimie down the hall and to Claire’s room. I know she knows exactly where the room is, but it feels nice to let my hand sit on her shoulder and let the two of us go on this scary journey together. As per her usual request, I handed Aimie the flowers. She loved to carry them into the room and put them up to Claire’s face so that she could smell them in her sleep.

Suddenly, my heart stopped beating

My palms became sweaty and my eyes almost rolled out of their sockets

My calves began to tremble

It seemed I couldn’t keep myself up anymore

I was made of jelly

I almost fell because Aimie abruptly left my side, knocking my balance off. Thankfully, I didn’t fall over and make a scene. I regained my composure as best as I could and began towards Claire’s room. I had dreamt of this moment every night and every morning and every second, but now that it is here I still was shocked. This didn’t seem real, it felt like a lucid dream. My body was floating through the entire space of the room. I had forgotten how to function, so my being had disconnected and slowly seeped out into the spacious hallway.

Looking up from Aimie, Claire raised her head and her eyes met mine. She tried to form a smile, but her lips were unable to. It seemed she had forgotten what real life was like; how to live completely. She was propped upright in the hospital bed and her shoulders were slouched inwards. Her muscles looked so frail, she looked so frail. I am sure a nurse set her up, because I doubt that after months of not moving that she would be able to do it on her own.

I neared her bed as Aimie held my hand and hers at once.