Mutually Numb

A tiny bell’s tinkle rung throughout the house and two sets of footsteps came racing down the hallways. The two bodies simultaneously met at the doorway to Claire’s new room and were ready to be given orders.

I quickly put the bell down on the table and my face turned red, “Sorry,” I said, “I was just moving it out of the way for Claire. I didn’t want her to knock over her glass of water from the nightstand while she was sleeping – I was making room on the table.”

Ash’s eyes looked relieved while Aimie seemed disappointed.

“Mommy doesn’t need anything?” Aimie asked

“No, not right now, she is sleeping.” I answered softly, trying not to wake her. I’m sure the loud footsteps racing through the house were much louder than my talking, but it never hurts to be cautious.

“Come on honey,” Ash started, putting her hand on Aimie’s shoulder, “You shouldn’t be disturbing Claire right now. I know that she needs her rest, even though she would love to see you and play with you all day.”

Aimie sighed loudly and looked to Claire, “But Ash, I miss Mommy. I want to be with her right now, and I want her to hug me and let me know she isn’t going to leave again.” Aimie let her statement hang in the air coldly. She didn’t mean it with any venom, it was the simplicity of what she said that caught us all off guard.

An uncomfortable draft made its way through the room while we all stood in silence from Aimie’s statement. I was usually good with making stuff up to say to Aimie, but I couldn’t think of anything right now.

Like the proud and resilient child she was, Aimie walked forward to Claire’s bed. “You’re a great mommy too Ash, but I miss my real Mommy.”

I always wondered if Ash ever wanted Aimie to call her “Mom”. She just always called her by her name. Neither of us ever signified that she should call her anything different, but Ash was around all the time. She was the one who read her bedtime stories now, and the one who got her dressed for her first days of school, and the one who makes her favorite breakfast on Saturday mornings. However, the one thing she would not let Ash touch was Mable, her favorite doll. It was always by Claire’s side. She wouldn’t even let us wash it – I had to sneak it through the washing machine while she was away because it got so dirty.

Was the doll Aimie’s way of telling us who was her real mother? I would often get up in the middle of the night and find Aimie napping in here with Claire – tightly holding her hand. She really didn’t want her to leave again. I may not have strong ties with my family, but they were always there. Unlike Claire, who we thought may have been dead for weeks. It makes my blood curdle thinking about what I have put this family through – what I have put my friends through. Who on earth would ask for this? I sure as hell didn’t, but sometimes I felt like I deserved it. I’m not entirely sure why, but if anybody had to take the blow for this, it might as well just be me.

“Daddy,” my daughter began, clearing my current thought process

“Yes, Aimie?” I asked, turning around and sitting on the bed now that Ash was gone

“Why is Mommy so cold?”

I cocked my head to the side out of confusion. “What do you mean?” I put my hand on her forehead to feel her temperature. “Is Mommy okay? Is she breathing right now?” I swallowed my spit loudly and took a deep and panicked breath

A small smile appeared on Aimie’s face. “No, Daddy, not like that type of cold.”

“What do you mean then? Has she been mean to you? Do you mean that type of cold?”

She shook her head, denying yet another guess at what she was getting at.

“Love, what do you mean? Can you tell Daddy what you’re talking about so I don’t have a heart attack?” I let out a small laugh to lighten the mood from yet another death-scare.

“My teacher at school said that when somebody does something bad to you that they have a cold heart. And you said that Mommy was taken by a bad man when she was missing from home. Since Mommy was with that man with a cold heart, does that mean that she has a cold heart now and will do bad things? She is always under the covers because she is cold, she told me. I don’t want Mommy to be cold inside and do mean things!” Aimie had a serious look on her face and her eyes were welling up with tears

“Oh, sweetie,” I took my daughter’s head in my hands and laid her against my chest, “Mommy isn’t under the covers and shivering because she is evil. She is sick right now. The bad man that took her only made her a stronger person. I can assure you that there is absolutely none of that man inside Mommy, okay?”

“Are you sure Daddy?” She asked, looking up at me

“I am absolutely one hundred percent positive.” I confirmed as I rocked her from side to side.

“I have one more question.” She said while wiping her runny nose on her shirt sleeve.

I rolled my eyes and smiled. There was always just ‘one more question’. It never ended. “Yes, what is it?”

“Why did the bad man want to hurt Mommy? Does he hate us?”

I pursed my lips and thought. I couldn’t even answer this question for myself, let alone tell my daughter. “Well,” I started, trying my hardest and fastest to organize my thoughts and spit out a coherent sentence, “There are some people in the world who are mad at what others have. Claire had a wonderful life that was full of friendship, love and many other great things. The man that took her didn’t have any of that. He was jealous of Claire, and wanted what she had. He thought that if he took Mommy, that it would make his life better. If he can’t be happy, then nobody can. He was a selfish man who doesn’t deserve any emotion – whether it be sadness or happiness.” I stopped myself before I got too emotional about this in front of my daughter.

“Why are there so many mean people in the world? Why can’t there be more people like you and Mommy and Kai and Ash?” She bit her lip with one of her remaining baby teeth. Most of her teeth were gone now, actually.

“Don’t worry, there are plenty of people out there who are like us!” I hugged her tightly again. “Sometimes you have to get through the really bad people to find wonderful ones that you love so much. People that you have so much love and feelings for that you want to explode inside just thinking about them!” I exclaimed lightly shaking Aimie in the hug.

She giggled and hugged me around my neck. “You mean people like me and Mommy, right?”

I laid my head on her petite shoulder. “That’s exactly what I mean.” I looked down to her and sat her on my lap. “Hey, why don’t you spend some alone time with Mommy while I go and get some food for us started, okay? And I think it’s almost time to give Mommy her medications, so you’ll get to wake her up in a bit!”

Aimie smiled with all her teeth and went towards Claire in a single motion.

I put out my hand to stop her, even though I was already too far away. “Not now! In a few minutes, okay? I let you know when. Just like you when you wake up for school, Claire is very tired right now. Her body needs lots of rest in order to make it happy and healthy.”

She nodded her head and played with Claire’s hair as I left the room. She always was a heavy sleeper. Especially now that she was on sleeping pills and five other kinds of steroids and antibiotics to fix the mess that bastard made of her.

I walked into the kitchen to pour four separate cups for dinner. Water for Ash and me, orange juice for Aimie, and Claire got water mixed with a few medications. I liked to add a bit of cranberry juice to it sometimes to help make it sweeter. The water we had to give her smelled rancid and I’m sure it didn’t taste any better. I felt bad giving it to her, but if we didn’t she wouldn’t be getting any better. It was always a hassle to even get her to drink cough syrup – even if it was the kid’s flavored ones.

“Ruki,” Ash quietly said, gently placing her hand on my shoulder, “I feel like I haven’t seen you all day. You’ve been holed up in Claire’s room”

I finished pouring the cups and set them aside for dinner. I wasn’t sure what to think of her statement. I didn’t want to start another fight, but I also didn’t want to back down. “I’ve mostly been in there to keep her company and give her medications. I don’t want anything to happen to her. We were so close to losing her before, I couldn’t take it again.”

“No, I understand that,”

I gave her a small glare. I wasn’t sure if she did understand.

“But it feels like our relationship is falling apart too. It seems like we don’t even live in the same house anymore! You even gave Claire our bedroom,”

“Ash, that’s my bedroom. This is my apartment.”

“That’s not the point I’m trying to make!” She said, waving her hands in front of her face. “All I was trying to say was that I miss you and have barely had any interaction with you. The little we have had has been fighting.”

I sighed and put my fingers to my temples. “I’m sorry I’ve been so on edge recently. I’ll try to be nicer and spend more time with you.”

“You’ll try?” She retorted, “This isn’t how you were treating me in the beginning.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Just as Ash was about to open her mouth, there was a knock on the door. We both stood there in silence, letting the sound echo in our ears. After a few moments, the knock erupted again.

“I’ll get it.” I mumbled. At least it was an end to our fight, I didn’t want Aimie to hear this.

I opened the door and looked up. “Hello?”

“Is there where Claire is?”

I was shocked not to hear a voice from a bandmate. The man standing there looked familiar, but I couldn’t quite say where I knew him from. “Yes, this is. Why do you want to know?”

“I’m a friend of hers. I visited her in the hospital not too long ago. I actually think I ran into you there. I’m Toshiya, in case you don’t remember.”

I nodded my head, but still kept my nonchalant composure. “I think I remember. I’m Ruki.”

“I tried to visit her in the hospital a few days ago, but they told me she was released. So, I did a little bit of research and found out she was staying with you. I’m not a creepy psychopath, I’m just a concerned friend.”

“Oh, well, Claire is taking a nap now. But we will need to wake her up for her medication soon. So, if you really want, you can come in. I’m sure Claire will be happy to see you, our daughter is in there now.”

He politely nodded his head and came in through the door, sitting on the couch. He didn’t really say much, I guess he was only here for Claire and not for friendly chitchat with the family. I could care less, I just want him out of here so things can start to improve. We don’t need another new variable bogging down the process.