Mutually Numb

“Are you sure you can handle this?” Ruki quietly murmured

“Yes, yes, Ruki,” I said, “I can do it all on my own. I’ve been getting better, I’m sure I can sit in a bathtub for an hour.” I coughed a bit into my shoulder; I’ve had a bad respiratory infection since I woke up in the hospital. The doctors think it was from the moldy room I was kept in for so long. All I know is that I want it gone.

Ruki set the towels down onto the bathroom counter and sighed. “Okay Claire, but I don’t want to come in and find out you have drowned or something dumb like that.” He let go of my shoulder and helped lead me to the corner of the tub, which was just about finished filling up. “It’s still hard for you to walk around-”

I stopped him mid-sentence. I tried to reach my arm out to cover his mouth, but I missed and ended up hitting his neck instead. “I’ll be fine. I still have my bell in here,” I said looking over at it, “So if I really do need anything, I will ring it and surely let you guys know. There isn’t much moving involved in taking a bath, I think that’s why it is considered relaxing.” I giggled

He rolled his eyes and turned around. “Okay Claire, I guess since you are still insisting on this, I’ll let you relax for a little bit. You do deserve it. I’ll make sure to keep a close eye on Aimie for you.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, I think her and Ash are out doing something fun together. They’ve been bonding more recently with me being bedridden. It’s nice to see.”

He knitted his eyebrows and turned his head around to look at my face. “Wait,” he thought for a moment before fully facing me and speaking again, “You don’t mind Ash and Aimie bonding?”

I ran my fingers through the bath water testing its temperature. “No, what do you mean?” I leaned over to adjust the bath temperature – it needed to be just a tidbit hotter.

“Well,” he awkwardly started, his voice shaking, “You didn’t seem to like Ash at first, you know, with the seeming circumstances.” He gritted his teeth awaiting my response.

I sat down on the edge of the tub and played with my fingers. “She makes you happy and Aimie happy, and that’s really all I want. It’s selfish of me to want something even though it will never work. I would rather have everyone around me be happy, that makes me happier. I hate being sad and miserable.”

Ruki looked down at the ground with a somber look on his face. “Looks like the tub is almost filled up, Claire. I had better leave you to do your girly things. Don’t be afraid to let me know if you need anything, I’ll be right outside the door.”

“Of course, of course.” I sarcastically said as I shooed him out of the bathroom.

Finally having a moment to myself, I slowly got myself up from the edge of the bathtub to undress myself. I was determined to do something by myself, it seems like forever since I have. Everywhere I walk to, I need to have an escort. When I go to physical therapy, I’m still at the stage where the therapist does everything for me. I can’t even get him to back me up, he says I need help walking still. My muscles had deteriorated because I didn’t use them like a normal human being and my spine was permanently damaged. I also had a new number of health problems such as this awful respiratory infection, bacterial infection in my intestines from being fed rancid food and my eyes didn’t adjust to light changes as well. It takes an extra few minutes for my pupils to dilate.

After finally getting my tank top and pajama shorts off, I walked into the warm and welcoming water that was my paradise for the next hour, or however long I chose to be in here.

I let my entire body sink into the milky water and bubbles. It felt so good against my skin and sore bones. It’s times like these when I wonder why I don’t take a bath all the time.

Closing my eyes, I let my mind wander as I hummed a quiet tune in my mind. I didn’t need to worry about anyone else, or even myself right now. It was Claire time, and that was the best time for me now.

Being so stressed out had really taken a toll on my mental health. It was astonishing that I had this much free time to myself now. I was normally so preoccupied with getting myself healthier and accomplishing small tasks that I never had time to just think.

I slid my body down the tub so that I could rinse out my hair and get my face wet. The water welcomed my submerging figure and allowed me to wash my hair. The water felt amazing on my skin, I rubbed some of the soapy bubbles around on it.

Gasping loudly, I arose from under the water. I forgot how short of a breath I had, I could barely stay underwater for a few seconds. I wasn’t necessarily sad to figure this out, I was happy to get to know myself better. I feel like I’ve lost touch with everyone, even who I really was, so I want to learn everything about everyone. I even want to learn about Ash and how she plays with Aimie.

Aimie loves this, sometimes we play “The Question Game” and back and forth we will think of the most obscure things to ask each other. I’m sure she thinks nothing of it and just likes talking and being silly, but I feel like I am reconnecting with old memories.

Sometimes I feel that by doing this I can sew my life back together. Being taken away from consciousness has torn my life into a few pieces, but I believe that by learning old memories and making more connections about my old life that I can piece it back together and hide the awful memories. Maybe it’s a stupid thought process, but it is all I am really clinging onto for now. I don’t know how recovery will go, if I will always be a freak, or if I can resume normal life and be a mother again.

I squirted the shampoo out of the bottle and made a nice palm sized circle in my hand. I massaged my scalp with it and made sure to get my hair really clean. I’m not entirely too sure when the next time I will be feeling well enough to bathe will be. Every time I do take a bath or shower, I always make sure I am super clean. At least I am better than when I first came home; Ash had to help me bathe, but we had some girl bonding time then. She was always really modest and sweet about it. She would be sure to let me know where she was washing, what she was doing and she would ask me before going into personal areas.

I got regular baths then, but now I won’t let her do it. Ash completely understands that I want to do it on my own, so she doesn’t take any offence to it. If I need to be smelly, so be it, I am going to do everything by myself.

After I washed the shampoo and conditioner out of my hair, I observed my legs through the water. I could see all the fine hairs on them had grown to become really long and fuzzy, it was at least a month since I had shaved them. I always hated shaving my legs.

I groaned and searched the bathtub for a razor. Luckily, I found Ruki’s razor sitting on the edge. I guess he won’t mind me using it for now, it’s only my legs. I’m not entire sure what he shaves in the shower, but I guess it’s going to be touching me now.

I adjusted myself so that I could lift my legs out of the water to shave. It was quite the challenge, this was hard enough to do before I had health issues.

Still situating myself, I wriggled in the small tub to try to find the perfect position for leg shaving. I moved my shoulders and hips in and out of the water. My moving body hit a metal can of shaving cream off of the bath tub and it loudly rattled against the tile floor.

I immediately stopped what I was doing and dropped Ruki’s razor into the tub. The metal sounded horribly similar to something very familiar to my ears.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes trying to block out a bad memory, but as fast as the can hit the floor, the bathtub I was in was the basement floor again. I was covered in dirt and still bound up.

I tried to open up my eyes as hard as I could, but it was impossible. The scenes just kept replaying in my head. I clenched and unclenched my fist and ran my nails against my skin to remind myself that it was just my mind. I screamed and thrashed in the water trying to get out of this awful nightmare again – it all felt so real.

I heard the icepick fall to the basement floor again, just like the metal can had. I had another big gash in me and I could feel the pain all over again.

Another blood-curdling scream left my mouth as I continued to throw myself against the porcelain bathtub walls. I wanted out, I had already lived through this once. If I had to go through it again I would rather die.

As I opened my mouth to scream again, I heard a loud bang and something else hit the floor.

Still thrashing and crying, I was lifted out of the water.

My mind wasn’t back at the apartment yet, but the bad memories were fading. I let out another screech before being cradled.

After some uncountable moments of silence went by, all of my muscles relaxed and I was able to breathe again. I was still being held. Slowly, my eyes opened, only to see the outside of the bathtub and the mess of water that I had left behind.

What had just happened was hazy in my mind, I don’t remember it happening, but I know that the event had occurred.

My breathing slowed down to a normal rate and I looked around, trying to see who was holding me.

Ruki looked down at me, soaked in my bath water and worried to death.

I bit my lip and my jaw quivered. A stream of tears flowed down my cheeks as I threw my face into Ruki’s shirt.

He adjusted himself and took both his arms and embraced me, trying to soothe my crying. “Claire, what’s wrong? Everything is okay now.”

I swallowed loudly and gasped, puling myself away from his hold on me. I panted heavily trying to get my breath back from sobbing so heavily. “I-” for some reason the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. “When I was...”

His eyes stared me down until the seemingly burned holes through my face. I guess they were caring holes, to say the least.

I took one last deep breath and recollected my composure. “I had a flashback.” Was the only way that I was able to describe it without going into hysteria again.

“But… that’s the first time this has happened since you came back. Why just now?” He looked completely puzzled and looked to me for the answer.

“I wasn’t reminded of it until now…” I choked out, “certain sounds can trigger memories for me… thank god Aimie wasn’t home to hear this…” I said looking down at my hands. I gasped and fidgeted my body realizing that I was still completely naked in his arms.

“What? What’s the matter now?” He anxiously asked. “Oh,” rolling his eyes he replied, “You’re really worried about that? It isn’t like it is anything I haven’t seen before. Besides, you were screaming bloody murder in there, did you expect me to take the time to pick you out an outfit and then see if you were alright?”

“Well... you could have at least put me in a towel…” I mumbled.

Standing up, Ruki held on to me and carried me to the bedroom. “Claire, after that incident, I don’t want you out of my sight. You scared me to death and I don’t want it happening again. I knew you shouldn’t have taken that bath by yourself.”

“Okay, you were right, but can you at least get me something to cover myself?”

“Here.” he said throwing a blanket and random clothes at me. And, of course, the clothes didn’t even match.