Mutually Numb

I made sure to check my reflection in his front window before actually knocking on the door. I didn’t have my makeup bag at Toshiya’s house, or really any of my other usual products. I didn’t want to look like too much of a mess; it’s always nice to look good before you confront someone and apologize. Aside from the super baggy tee shirt – which was still humongous even tied and bunched up – and the small knots in my hair, I would say I looked pretty decent. Not like I normally look, but not horrible. That was enough for me, I was only going to see Ruki anyway.

I slowly brought my knuckles up to the door and gave it three light knocks. I wasn’t sure if they were loud enough, but as soon as I was about to knock again, the door opened. Aimie stood in front of me and she had a huge grin on her face.

“Momma!” She happily squealed. She ran up and hugged my legs. Ruki came out of another room shortly, following behind her.

“What did I tell you about answering the door, Aimie?” It seemed he didn’t even acknowledge that I was here yet.

“Sorry…” She muttered out.

“It’s fine, for this time.” He said in a stern but still very caring voice. He shooed Aimie out of the room and then looked back up in my direction. “You sure look… different today.” I could tell he was at lack of better words, so I let what he said slide for now. Plus, I wasn’t the person to be judging right now.

I nodded my head. “Actually, I came here today to say something…”

He raised an eyebrow at me, walked out into the hallway, and shut the door behind him. I guess that he didn’t want me inside the house with Aimie in case we got into another heated argument.

I inhaled and exhaled deeply, collecting my thoughts again. I had my whole speech planned out on the car ride here, but now, being here and standing right in front of him, it all vanished. It almost felt as if nothing I said could make up and mend the situation. The longer that I stood there, thinking of what I was going to say, the more and more I hated myself and what I did. It felt like the weight of the world came crashing down onto me, and that everything bad that ever happened was entirely my fault. The fight could have just been Ruki and me, but now I dragged a whole other variable into it: Toshiya. I felt fine about it this morning, or maybe it was just the shower that made it seem alright. I guess I wouldn’t mind spending my entire life in a shower; if it would make me hate myself less.

Ruki cleared his throat, telling me to get on with what I was going to say.

I guessed that there really was no wrong place to start, everything was equally as disastrous. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Only tears. I broke down, yet again, into a sobbing fit. Ruki eventually came up to me and lightly hugged me for comfort. I’m not entirely sure if he took this as an apology or not, but it made him feel bad for me. I didn’t want his pity, but if it made him forgive me faster, I was alright with it.

After crying for a long enough time that I felt like there weren’t any tears left and it was hard to breathe, I looked up to him through his now tighter embrace. “I’m so sorry…” I managed to choke out.

He slowly and carefully brought his hand up to my hair and lightly patted the crown of my head.

“Please don’t give me any more of your sympathy…” I muttered out while trying to detangle myself from his grip. “I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible mother, a horrible friend and an awful…” I had to think for a moment, because I didn’t know what to consider myself to Ruki. “… Well and an awful whatever I am to you.” I spat the last part out like it was something bitter tasting.

He sighed and let his facial expression soften. I could tell that he wasn’t in the mood to fight again, so he wasn’t going to let it happen. “You are still on the whole ‘I don’t care about you’ topic, aren’t you?”

“Well, I don’t know what the hell to expect from you! First, we have a kid together, and then we remain friends. Even after I had sent out many signals and wanted us to be together in the beginning. As time passed by, I learned that we could just stay friends and that everything would be okay. If we stayed in contact I would be fine and sane. But, as we began to see each other more and as Aimie grew up, the only time we saw each other was as a family, or when the entire band would meet. I started to feel like you never really liked me, and only put up with me because you had to!” As I said all of this, a steady stream of tears began to fall from my eyes again. “Do you have any idea what it feels like? What it feels like going to bed, wondering if the man who helps you raise your child actually likes…” I paused for a moment, “… or even loves you? Not only is it stressful on me, but on Aimie! She asks me so many, many times, why we don’t love each other… or why we aren’t married. She compared out relationship to all of her friend’s parents… and it’s always the same question… ‘Why aren’t you and daddy like the people in the storybooks? Why don’t you two kiss? I wish you two were always together and happy.’ She brings this up all the time; it isn’t like I’ll just be able to forget about it! I am constantly having to come up with excuses.”

He stood there, speechless. I guess I talked his ear off a little bit more than he expected me to. He was still holding me, and I was almost completely limp in his arms from all of the crying again. This time my tears weren’t quite as sad, I got everything I wanted to say on the line. “Claire…” He softly began, sounding deeply concerned, “I had no idea how much stress all of this put onto you. I am so sorry.” His eyes looked like they were about to tear up, but nothing came out. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

I kept myself deep into his embrace, I always hated how I looked when I cried, and certainly didn’t want him to see me. “I always wanted to say something, but we never got a chance to talk. Remember? The only time we were together was with Aimie.”

“I… I guess that’s true.” He managed to stutter out. “Claire, I hope you don’t mind, but I already told Aimie that she would be spending tonight here again. I think you might need a little bit of emotional time to yourself; to get all of these feelings worked out.”

I wiped my tears off on his shirt sleeve, and looked up at him, nodding.

“You can come by any time you want tomorrow to pick her up, okay? Please don’t rush, I want you to take your time.” He gave me a small smile, obviously trying to lighten up the mood. “Do you want me to give you a ride back to your apartment? Kai will gladly come over to babysit for a little bit.”

I shook my head, and tried to return the smile back. I inhaled deeply, “I’ll be fine, I have enough change for a bus ride back to my house, or I could just walk. I need the time to think anyway.”

I could tell that Ruki wanted to object to my idea, but all he did was smile back at me. He gave me a small hug before we parted ways.

As I was about a mile down the street from his apartment, it struck me that voicing all of my problems to him actually did nothing for me. He offered no solutions, or his opinion on anything – all I did was simply restate my problems. If Ruki is going to be this hard to communicate with, maybe making up answers to my questions will be more fulfilling than actually getting them.