Nine Lives

*Two weeks later*

I looked at myself in the mirror. Tie straight, my black blazer placed over my shoulders and since I didn't actually own any dress shoes I had to opt for black vans. I knew it was proper attire really, but it was my best.
"You ready to go?" Vic asked poking his head through our bedroom door.
I nodded and followed him out into the hallway, out the front door to the car.
Me and Vic actually left the group house about a week ago and got a place of our own. We were having issues that needed to be sorted out and we thought that having our own space would help in a way.
We drove in silence until we reached our destination.
The funeral home.
I sighed as I got out of the car and me and Vic walked silently to the entrance without holding hands. In all honesty, I hadn't really touched him per say since we got back to San Diego. I just wasn't ready.
We entered the building and stood in the reception with everyone else. Gabe and Tony arrived sometime between when we did and before the funeral started. We were all here for support.
We took our seats as the eulogy began.
"We're all here for the same reason really." Austin began, his voice rougher than normal "We're here... to mourn a loss, but I don't think we should be mourning this one. We should celebrate his life and his accomplishments. Alan Ashby he... he was more than just a friend and bandmate to me, as many of you are aware, and I'm honestly not sure what I'm going to do without him here... but... but I was with him... when he went... and he made me promise that I wouldn't cry." he let out a forced laugh "He said to me 'Austin... you can't cry a-and you have to promise me th-that you won't fall d-down.'" He was finding it difficult to speak now and he cleared his throat and wiped the tears at his eyes away quickly "His parents couldn't make it here today, but they asked me to read something on their behalf." he pulled out an overly-folded piece of paper from his blazer pocket and unfolded it and began reading "Alan, our baby boy. We're going to miss you so much, but we will always remember the joy you brought us throughtout our lives. From when you were little and would sing along to every song on the radio, to the family vacations we took every year to the Lake House. You were the light of our lives and it's difficult to face the truth that you're no longer here with us... but know that we love you and we will always be thinking of you. Take care baby, we'll see you soon." a few tears fell down onto the page and someone had to escort Austin off of the podium to sit down as he cried harder.
As much as everyone reassured me, I always felt like it was my fault that Alan was gone. If I had done something different, none of this would have happened. Even now, sitting in my uncomfortable suit in this uncomfortable chair, I found myself unable to even shed a tear like everyone around me. My face remained blank as I watched speaker by speaker go up to talk about Alan, yet I couldn't even cry one dumbass tear of emotion.
When the service ended I just felt a sudden urge to run, that I didn't want to be here so I could hear people say "Was that the one who caused it?", but I also didn't want to insult Alan's memory by not paying my respects properly; so I stayed.
Through the long wait of everyone breaking down next to his corpse sitting in a cherry wood box, it finally came to me and I was at a loss for words. Lucky I knew myself so I wrote a letter earlier this morning that if needed to I could place with him, which is exactly what I did. It was a one worded letter, but I felt like that one word held everything that I needed to say, needed to explain to him....

Sorry.