Status: Discontinued, but look out for new stories soon.
It's All About Reputation.
I lied.
I woke up at around midnight, still cuddled up to Alexander on the sofa in his living room. The room that I hadn't actually seen any of considering I hadn't had a chance to look at it in day light and it was now too dark to make out anything but the outlines of the couch and TV in the corner of the room. I nudged Alexander lightly, tying to wake him. "Alexander.. Alex, I need to go." I whispered softly, but I received no more than Alexander nuzzling his head in my shirt, hugging me more loosely. His breathing indicated to me that he was still fast asleep.. Stay with him, Jamie? My head asked, but I shook my head. "I need to go." I whispered again, both to Alexander and the small voice in my head.
Alexander made a noise that sounded like 'mmfn.' I gently took hold of the arm he had around me and removed it, setting it by his side and getting up. I looked back at the sleeping, still shirtless Alexander as I picked up my hoodie and put it on, zipping it up and turning to leave. I debated on kissing Alexander's forehead before I left and whispering a soft 'Goodnight' to him, but I didn't and if anyone were to ask, I'd deny any accusations. I walked around the sofa and to the door, glancing at him once more. Are you just going to leave him like that? No note, no text... Nothing? My head asked, curiously. I looked down to my feet before turning the door handle and leaving his noiseless and dark house.
I walked out into the cold midnight air, sighing. I looked down each side of the road to see rows of sleeping houses and lines of parked cars. The cool breeze made no noise and the moon seemed eerie and.. right in the scene that lay before me. It looked like the opening scene to one of those old fashioned zombie movies.. It was a few deathly silent, abandoned, long, twisting and stretching roads to get home, each twisting in a different direction. It could be a maze of horrors and flesh-eating parasites, the living-dead and other terrifying creatures. Who knew what lurked around the next corner? Who knew what secrets I'd run into in the depths and dark of the night? Who knew what creatures could break into Alexander's house and rip him limb from limb?
You know, douche-bag. You walked here in the day-time and it's exactly the same at night...
I shook the thoughts out of my head and started my walk home, my pace quick with big strides. It wasn't too far and the roads weren't infested with flesh-eating parasites or the living-dead... and I no longer had any reason to stay. I had no reason to crawl back up to Alexander and fall asleep in his embrace. I had no reason to be near him. I had no reason to want to be near him... After all, I'm a straight, 17 year old, guy. I didn't need to protect him from something that wasn't there. He could take care of himself. He didn't need me.
Is that why you created that scene? Because you wanted to protect him?
Of course not... I was simply comparing it to the horror films I've watched. Everybody knows of my addiction to horror movies and gory comic books. So don't be silly.. Why would I want to protect him?
The same reasons Alexander stuck around in that relationship for so long.. He wanted to feel wanted. He needed someone to need him as badly as he needed them.
"I don't need Alexander and he doesn't need me.. Just because he confided in me about him getting r... him getting... raped... doesn't mean that I owe him some great debt. All he wanted was some shoulder to cry on and to have someone to tell him everything will be all right. That's all I did. I convinced him that thing's would be okay. Just because I did that doesn't mean I'm going to sacrifice my reputation for him. Like Ray said, I could go back to getting shoved inside of lockers again and being beaten up... I don't want to be that guy any more. I slipped up and I'm fixing it. You won't change that. " I spoke aloud, trying to get my volume louder than the voice in my head.
You promised you wouldn't hurt him, James. You promised him!
"Yeah? Well things change!" I shouted, noticing that I had finally reached my front yard. I looked around my neighbourhood, trying to see if I'd woken anyone by my loud and sudden outburst. I hadn't, luckily, so I made my way into the garden and up to the front door, turning the handle and pushing it open. I turned to close it as quietly as possible, listening for the small 'click' signalling it was closed before I made my way up and into my bedroom, flicking on the light and closing the door behind me.
Nothing has changed. Alexander was right about you.. You're just a confused and power-hungry, Kid... He cried James. That's how much this all hurt him. He sat and cried in front of someone he probably still doesn't know the last name of. He trusted you. Don't hurt him even more. Just don't.
"What if I were to accidentally hurt him in some way? What if I did something by accident and the next day I went to see him, I found him dead? What if I break him?" I whispered into my room, sitting on my bed and looking into the mirror on the opposite wall. "I'd rather stay away from him. He's too fragile for me to handle."
You promised you'd never leave him! You can't break that too.. It's not like I'm telling you to fall in love with the guy. I'm just telling you not to hurt him any more than he's already been hurt. He's been let down so much already, James. He needs you..
"Well, I don't need him." I spat, spitefully.
So you lied about that too?
I thought back to earlier in the night... 'I need you.. to be okay for me.' I had whispered in his warm embrace. I'm a bad liar. Anyone who could of been there would know I should of stopped after 'I need you'. All I was doing, really, was giving myself more reasons and excuses by adding an end to my sentence. I shook the thoughts out of my head, holding the sides of my face and looking into the mirror. "Yeah? Well guess what?" I whispered, standing up and flicking off the light before returning to the mirror.
What?
"I lied." I whispered into the mirror, no emotion or feelings tainting my voice.
So be it, then. But when you finally get why Alexander told you all of those awful things about himself into your thick scull, I won't be helping you with how to reply. You'll be on your own, Kid.
"On my own? That's all I've ever really wanted." I whispered into the darkness.
Alexander made a noise that sounded like 'mmfn.' I gently took hold of the arm he had around me and removed it, setting it by his side and getting up. I looked back at the sleeping, still shirtless Alexander as I picked up my hoodie and put it on, zipping it up and turning to leave. I debated on kissing Alexander's forehead before I left and whispering a soft 'Goodnight' to him, but I didn't and if anyone were to ask, I'd deny any accusations. I walked around the sofa and to the door, glancing at him once more. Are you just going to leave him like that? No note, no text... Nothing? My head asked, curiously. I looked down to my feet before turning the door handle and leaving his noiseless and dark house.
I walked out into the cold midnight air, sighing. I looked down each side of the road to see rows of sleeping houses and lines of parked cars. The cool breeze made no noise and the moon seemed eerie and.. right in the scene that lay before me. It looked like the opening scene to one of those old fashioned zombie movies.. It was a few deathly silent, abandoned, long, twisting and stretching roads to get home, each twisting in a different direction. It could be a maze of horrors and flesh-eating parasites, the living-dead and other terrifying creatures. Who knew what lurked around the next corner? Who knew what secrets I'd run into in the depths and dark of the night? Who knew what creatures could break into Alexander's house and rip him limb from limb?
You know, douche-bag. You walked here in the day-time and it's exactly the same at night...
I shook the thoughts out of my head and started my walk home, my pace quick with big strides. It wasn't too far and the roads weren't infested with flesh-eating parasites or the living-dead... and I no longer had any reason to stay. I had no reason to crawl back up to Alexander and fall asleep in his embrace. I had no reason to be near him. I had no reason to want to be near him... After all, I'm a straight, 17 year old, guy. I didn't need to protect him from something that wasn't there. He could take care of himself. He didn't need me.
Is that why you created that scene? Because you wanted to protect him?
Of course not... I was simply comparing it to the horror films I've watched. Everybody knows of my addiction to horror movies and gory comic books. So don't be silly.. Why would I want to protect him?
The same reasons Alexander stuck around in that relationship for so long.. He wanted to feel wanted. He needed someone to need him as badly as he needed them.
"I don't need Alexander and he doesn't need me.. Just because he confided in me about him getting r... him getting... raped... doesn't mean that I owe him some great debt. All he wanted was some shoulder to cry on and to have someone to tell him everything will be all right. That's all I did. I convinced him that thing's would be okay. Just because I did that doesn't mean I'm going to sacrifice my reputation for him. Like Ray said, I could go back to getting shoved inside of lockers again and being beaten up... I don't want to be that guy any more. I slipped up and I'm fixing it. You won't change that. " I spoke aloud, trying to get my volume louder than the voice in my head.
You promised you wouldn't hurt him, James. You promised him!
"Yeah? Well things change!" I shouted, noticing that I had finally reached my front yard. I looked around my neighbourhood, trying to see if I'd woken anyone by my loud and sudden outburst. I hadn't, luckily, so I made my way into the garden and up to the front door, turning the handle and pushing it open. I turned to close it as quietly as possible, listening for the small 'click' signalling it was closed before I made my way up and into my bedroom, flicking on the light and closing the door behind me.
Nothing has changed. Alexander was right about you.. You're just a confused and power-hungry, Kid... He cried James. That's how much this all hurt him. He sat and cried in front of someone he probably still doesn't know the last name of. He trusted you. Don't hurt him even more. Just don't.
"What if I were to accidentally hurt him in some way? What if I did something by accident and the next day I went to see him, I found him dead? What if I break him?" I whispered into my room, sitting on my bed and looking into the mirror on the opposite wall. "I'd rather stay away from him. He's too fragile for me to handle."
You promised you'd never leave him! You can't break that too.. It's not like I'm telling you to fall in love with the guy. I'm just telling you not to hurt him any more than he's already been hurt. He's been let down so much already, James. He needs you..
"Well, I don't need him." I spat, spitefully.
So you lied about that too?
I thought back to earlier in the night... 'I need you.. to be okay for me.' I had whispered in his warm embrace. I'm a bad liar. Anyone who could of been there would know I should of stopped after 'I need you'. All I was doing, really, was giving myself more reasons and excuses by adding an end to my sentence. I shook the thoughts out of my head, holding the sides of my face and looking into the mirror. "Yeah? Well guess what?" I whispered, standing up and flicking off the light before returning to the mirror.
What?
"I lied." I whispered into the mirror, no emotion or feelings tainting my voice.
So be it, then. But when you finally get why Alexander told you all of those awful things about himself into your thick scull, I won't be helping you with how to reply. You'll be on your own, Kid.
"On my own? That's all I've ever really wanted." I whispered into the darkness.