It's All About Reputation.

I couldn't help but think my head was right for once as I sat in the dark, unforgiving silence my room now seemed to be enveloped in. 'What are you afraid of?' That little voice whispered, again, and I couldn't help but try and think of some witty reply to myself... But of course, I didn't have one. I wouldn't lie to myself in the privacy of my own room and say I was afraid of nothing, so I opened the draw on my bedside table and pulled out a little notepad and a pen and began writing down what I was, in fact, afraid of.

'What are you afraid of?

1) Not being accepted.
2) Losing everything I've made.
3) Being beaten up again.
4) People knowing the real me.
5) Everything happening all over again...'

I stopped after I had written my fifth reason, putting the notepad down on my bed and falling back, looking at my ceiling. By everything, I meant all of the things that had happened in my earlier years of high school. I had only just entered high school as a new student a couple years ago. Most people had came up with friends from previous schools or neighbours, everyone seemed to know one another in some weird way.

Everyone except me.

I'd only just moved here at the time. I still barely knew the way around my block, but it was a fresh start Mom had told me. A chance to get things right. I'd fucked up pretty bad at my last school. I got into fights, my grades were fucked up and most of the teachers had given up on me. I was all about doing anything I could to rebel, literally anything, and one of those things had been standing up for anyone and anything I believed in. Like gay rights, for example. Even more so, the fact that you didn't choose who you loved. I hadn't gotten to a decision on a sexuality at the time.. I didn't really care either. All I knew was that when I eventually fell for someone, it wouldn't be my choice who it was. Be it a guy or a chick. I'd never been in love, though.. so how could I possibly know who I liked? I was young and when you're young, you're stupid.

I had found out that expressing this belief hadn't been the smartest idea after I had actually done it. I had also found out that the whole school, beside a couple of chicks, were homophobic or stupid, or both. People had brought my outbursts down to the fact that I had to be a 'closet-case' meaning I'd never openly admitted to being attracted to guys, but I apparently had to be because I thought it was possible. Anyone who thought that, in my opinion, was stupid... And of course, by calling most of the school idiots, I had gotten into a couple of fights.

And by a couple, I mean a lot.

Those fights had resulted in me repeatedly coming home with bloody noses, black eyes and cracked ribs. I'm not saying I didn't do some pretty bad damage myself, I mean, I can recall breaking a fair few noses and drawing blood in a lot of these fights, but eventually people ganged up on me, noticing my weaknesses and such. I may of only been short, but I could throw a damn good punch.. People realised that if there were more of them than me, I was basically fucked. I'd been beaten to a pulp, thrown into lockers and spat at after that.

It became a regular thing and I had been advised to 'lay low' by teachers, my mother and the people who were actually on my side.. Easier said than done. Soon enough, I'd heard the word 'faggot' thrown at me so many times, it started to hurt. It was like being pricked with a needle.. Every time they said it, it'd go deeper in. It would sting that little bit more.. Eventually, I just... Snapped.

From that point, I'd began hating anyone who had ever told me you didn't choose who you loved. I wished upon those people the pain I felt for trying to protect them. I had tied and failed, and that meant I wanted everyone else to fail too. I started hating them for making me stand up for them, but all the time, in the privacy of my own room, I still believed it wasn't a choice.

And that was what Ray had been talking about earlier in the day.

'... You know how easily your reputation could be taken away and people would start pushing you into lockers and calling you a faggot again.'

Ray was the only one who knew about what had happened. We had talked about it when I first moved here. I had told him about everything that had happened while we sat in my backyard drinking diet coke as the sun had started to set. He had been accepting of everything and cool to my surprise... Right up until he had asked one question.

-Flashback-

"So you finally came to your senses after it all then?" Ray asked me, laughing lightly. I awkwardly looked away from him at this point and stared at my, now empty, coke can, searching for an answer.

"T-Totally, I had only started the whole thing to rebel, anyway." I laughed awkwardly, trying to clear the air. "So, you think people choose who they love... too?" I asked, begging for him to reply with 'No, of course not!' but knowing I wouldn't receive that answer.

"No shit!" He shouted and laughed. "It's natural for guys to like chicks and vice versa.. All we need to do is pick out the hot ones." He added, seeming completely oblivious to my discomfort on this topic. I shifted slightly and laughed quietly.

"Ha.. Ha. Yeah. So, any hot chicks around this area?" I asked, the words seeming foreign to my mouth. Ray had started to ramble on about some girl called Jessica or something when I had decided what I was going to do for the next year. I was going to get myself a reputation to be proud of.. Even though I knew it meant lying for half of it.

-End Of Flashback-